Be Social: Connecting with Others

February 16, 2009

Be Social is the third level of my version of the hierarchy of needs. I wrote about the first two levels in these previous posts: Just Be, and Be Safe. This level is all about our need for relationships with friends, intimate partners, and family. We all have a need to connect with others.

Here is where things start to get interesting, because our needs no longer revolve around stuff. Once we have all the stuff we need, we start dealing with people and emotions. This takes some careful consideration and can be infinitely more rewarding. Our human connections fall broadly into three categories:

Friends and Associates

These are people we connect with through common interests or activities, including hobbies, work, and ideologies. I believe it is not necessary to have hundreds of friends (even the virtual kind,) but it is important to connect with someone. Loneliness, unless it is a personal preference, can become unbearable.

Most of us want to feel heard, understood, and accepted. We seek out a sense of community of like-minded people for support, protection, and validation. Having peers, network contacts, and even online “friends” (Facebook, Twitter, LiveJournal) helps us feel like we are a part of something, and like someone out there cares. Sometimes that’s all it takes to meet this need.

Partners and Marriage

Finding “that special someone” seems to be everyone’s favorite pastime at some point or another. The thing I would point out about these relationships is that, ideally, they should benefit both parties. Although you are trying to fulfill your need for a relationship, the other person is doing that as well.

We need to get away from the “what can you do for me?” mentality and instead think about how we can benefit each other: “What have I done to make your life better today?” I think you’ll find that this approach pays higher dividends than the self-centered strategy.

Here are three things you can do to help make your primary relationship wonderful:

1. Apply the Golden Rule; treat him (or her) as you would like to be treated. This is not rocket science.

2. Have realistic expectations. Maybe he’s not the most romantic, or doesn’t say all the right things, but he’s a good man, a great father, and a husband with integrity.

3. Realize that both of you change over time. I always hear the complaint “he’s not the man I married” and wonder, how could he possibly be? I know I am not the person I was ten years ago, when I was a blushing bride; I’ve grown, matured, perhaps improved?

Family, Kids, and Kin

If we’ve been blessed with a marriage or loving partnership, then family won’t be far behind. Sometimes this means just the couple and a pet and/or a few kids. But usually, it means we inherit a whole new set of relatives and even a little chaos. That perfectly calibrated life we had when we lived alone is null and void.

This level of relationships requires compromise, sacrifice, patience and open-mindedness. Having more people and more emotions to contend with can get fairly complicated. But when times are toughest, sometimes all we have left is our family. Surprisingly, sometimes that can be enough.

If you have met your basic needs, and have the luxury of seeking emotional fulfillment from relationships, for Pete’s sake: Don’t trample all over them and take them for granted! These are people we are talking about, people just like you… they want to be heard, understood, and accepted.

I have purposely avoided the word Love in this discussion, because it means too many things to different people. But compassion, decency and respect are fairly concrete and easy to grasp terms. Practice them wisely. Tomorrow I will continue this series with my fourth level of needs: Be Strong. Don’t forget to stop by.

Do you think you give your best self to the people you value most?

Read more about the 5 Steps to Finding Fulfillment:

1. Just Be
2. Be Safe
3. Be Social (This article)
4. Be Strong
5. Be Happy

Related posts:

1. When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Explorer!
2. Inspiration from Yoko Ono: Seasons Pass

Posted in family, love, needs