Great Expectations: Wanting the Best for Our Kids
February 24, 2009
Recently I wrote a post about how parents sometimes impose their expectations on children, often without considering what the kids themselves want. I know lots of people my age that ended up in their fields of study or careers because they were encouraged (or required) to do so by their parents. Many of those people are successful, but not at all happy today.
I would like to discuss the expectations that WE, now that we are the parents, have for our kids. Since I homeschool my son, I get a lot of questions from other parents, like:
* Will he get a high school diploma?
* Will he do well on standardized tests?
* Will he be able to get into a good university?
* Will he be able to get scholarships through sports or academics?
* What about grades, team sports, cutting-edge classes, competition, preparation for life and careers?
These questions always amaze me because I find myself thinking, “Are these really the things you worry about for your kids?” Kids today spend anywhere from 6 to 10 hours at school every day, depending on after school activities. They are constantly learning, studying, competing, worrying about grades, trying to keep up, and hoping not to disappoint their parents.
Kids as young as pre-K are often already on a “track” for a certain high school or college! They haven’t even learned how to write and they are already being evaluated (and labeled) for their future potential. What kind of childhood is that? Have we just become our parents? How did we like it when they put us on their preferred “track”?
What if, instead of worrying about grades, universities and careers, our expectations for our children revolved around them becoming happy, healthy adults who willingly do their very best to contribute to society? What if we let them decide what they love and help them work towards their goal?
For example, my son loves LEGOs. He has always loved designing and building things. He loves math, science, computers, and graphic design. Other parents tell me he will probably be a great engineer or architect one day, if he does well and goes to a good school.
I think, “Yeah, he might. Or, he might just build LEGO models for Legoland, or make it an art form, like Nathan Sawaya.” If he loves LEGOs, why can’t he just build LEGOs? Why does his passion necessarily have to lead to a prestigious career in some well-defined field?
Maybe I’m way off here, but it just seems like our parents set us up on very solid, conventionally accepted paths to success; but now we are finding we would rather have happiness. Perhaps we could do our kids a favor and just let them be happy.
I wonder what an entire generation of truly happy individuals would do for the world?
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great thinking…I hope your son becomes a “happy” individual rather than successful.
Isn’t that what we,the parents,failed to achieve in our life,impose those sub-concious wishes upon our children and make their daily life miserable.
by the way, to me,happiness is dichotomous to success . I will deal with this in my next post of my blog. Please check with.
http://evilsalternate.blogspot.com/
thanks
beg your pardon for the typing errors.
No worries, my friend. I will not be grading grammar on this blog.
I look forward to reading your next post.
Thanks!
Hi Lisis,
Thanks for another great article! We homeschool too, and after all these years (our oldest is 19) I still find myself entertaining doubts about our choices. I grew up in a very competitive educational system in So. America where the schools are ranked, the students are ranked, and the family’s honor rests on your performance in school. Obviously this kind of programming is hard to overcome…in my opinion it even reflects some of what you’ve written about addictions/compulsions.
Hi, Acooba! It’s so nice to “see” you here!
I know what you mean… I grew up in the Costa Rican private school system, and it was all about grades, performance and discipline. We even had to RE-write our class notes so that our teacher could grade those too! I felt so much pressure to perform and get fantastic grades I hardly enjoyed the process.
Sometimes I kind of envy my son because his education is ALL fun, entertaining, engaging, etc. We work at his pace and around his interests. I think that is more representative of real life: find what you are interested in, then work hard to learn all about it.
I don’t have all the answers, but I know one thing: I don’t value grades and standardized tests at all. “Train the heart, and the mind will follow.”
Thoughtful post. We live in a time that places too much pressure on kids too early. It’s better to give them guidance then allow them to be who they want. Not who we think they should be.
So true, Gennaro! Maybe one day we’ll just let kids be kids and let them have a little fun.
Thanks for stopping by!
For me it’s all about having options…
It really doesn’t matter what my boys want to be when they grow up as long as it’s something they choose. I would hate for them to be stuck in a career/job that they hate because they have no viable alternative.
As for education, I would encourage them to touch on a broad range of subjects but it would be their choice as to which ones they pursue further.
Show them the direction to happiness but let them choose their own path.
Hi, Gwynn! I totally agree that they should get to choose their path. And if they make a mistake or two, taking paths less traveled… well, that’s OK. They will have learned from them.
My approach to education is to teach my son some really solid 3R’s (Reading, Writing, Arithmetic) and a passion for learning. I figure, if he has a strong foundadion and loves to read, he can learn about anything he wants. He will discover what he likes by trying different things.
I know you and Sherri are already on the right track with your boys.
Thanks!