Depression: The Long, Dark Road
February 26, 2009
From time to time, I will write about mental health since most of us either know someone, or are someone, who is suffering from one of the mental illnesses. For some reason, these topics are still a little taboo; no one likes to talk about them. But they are real, and they can certainly make the road to happiness take longer for the person suffering and for their families.
Today I would like to tell you about depression, since it is the one I personally have experienced. In future posts, I will also cover bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Keep in mind, I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. What I know about these diseases has been learned first hand… in the laboratory of life. Maybe that counts for something.
My older sister has always had a relatively sunny disposition. Recently she asked me what depression feels like, because it is hard for someone who is not suffering from it to really understand. It is one thing to be depressed or unhappy because life hasn’t worked out quite like we hoped. This is a circumstantial and temporary condition.
But, why would someone be depressed even when everything seems to be going perfectly well? This depression may well require medication, since it is caused by certain brain chemicals not doing what they are supposed to do. This depression, the one that can’t be reasoned with or explained away, is the one I will describe to you as well as I can. Here is part of an entry from one of my old journals, just a peek:
(I had been writing about long road trips I took with my sister and my dad. We would take turns driving during the night so the other person could sleep.)
“I remember feeling so tired and uncomfortable. I wanted to drift off to sleep and dream of wonderful, restful things. But I kept focusing on that line in the middle of the road to make myself stay awake. Everything else was total darkness.
Once in a great while we would drive through some city, or small town. For just a few moments the darkness would go away and, it its place, were a bunch of lights and signs and fascinating sights. I would feel wide-awake and happy to be there, excited about our adventurous journey. Life was good!
Before long, though, all the lights were gone; and I was back in total darkness, except for that line in the middle of the road. I was instantly exhausted, uncomfortable, wanting desperately to fall asleep, and trying with all my might to stay awake. This is how depression feels for me.
Most of the time I am surrounded by the darkness that is in my head. Everything hurts; I feel exhausted. I want to go to sleep for a long time. But I make myself focus on my baby, my centerline. I drink coffee, pinch myself, talk to myself, and turn the music up loud, whatever it takes to keep going. I know it can’t be too long before I find another “town†or the sun comes up. Right? I can make it a little longer… I just don’t know how much longer.â€
I am happy to report that I no longer feel this way. However, there are still occasional days when I will relapse. On those increasingly rare days, I am inconsolable, and I try to make sure my husband and son both know that it has nothing to do with them. It’s just “one of those brain days†like when I get migraines. I know, and they know, the darkness will pass and life will be good again.
If you know someone who suffers from depression, just try to keep in mind that it is not about YOU. If you suffer from depression yourself, know that with treatment and effort, it can be managed and sometimes overcome. There is always hope!
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Lisis, you are wise beyond your years. Your blog covers so many aspects of “life” and you say just the right things, helpful things. You are much more insightful than any psychologist or psychiatrist. Thank you for making my mornings of reading your blog to the start of a positive day for me. D
Aww… you’re welcome, D. I love that you start your days here, with me! In fact, YOU are the reason I set my posts to publish at the crack of dawn; to make sure a new post is waiting for you when you first long on.
I don’t know if I’m any more insightful than the PSY’s, but I’m sure to be more accessible and affordable (at least according to my experiences with them so far)! I just want to reach out to as many people as possible so they know, no matter what they are going through, it can get better.
Thanks for your comment and for being my constant visitor here.
Lisis
Hey, Lisis … this is a post I can really relate to! Depressed from an early age (9), throughout my formative years. But don’t you feel blessed, in the end? I think I have a depth of faith, humility, courage in some ways, empathy, that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t suffered this way. Without the crucifixion, there’s no resurrection, just ordinary mundane life. My life is extraordinary
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I have just discovered your blog, and I am grateful to have found it. I look forward to digging through the past blogs to mine for more gems. Thank you for talking about the taboo topics……depression, and other mental health issues. It is a very lonely place to be when you suffer from chronic low grade depression as I do and have since my teen years. I’ve been in therapy for many YEARS and it helps a bit, but DAILY moderately intense cariovascular EXERCISE( fast walking, reclining stationary bike, or a Walk Away the Pounds video 3 miles) is the only thing that keeps me afloat. If you can do it outside all the better. Also 5 minutes of meditation twice a day seems to further bolster my resiliance. I found some hopeful and helpful information in a book title When Your Body Gets The Blues. A website with the same name was also very helpful. Hope you are well.
Thanks, Cyndie! Welcome to Q4B!!
I really appreciate you sharing the techniques that have worked for you so far… you never know who will read this and find exactly what they need to make it through a tough patch. I’ve never heard of that book (or website), but will certainly check it out.
As for those taboo topics, they are near and dear to my heart, having dealt with several mental illnesses in my family. I know they aren’t the funnest topics to cover, but I believe it’s SO important for us to start talking about them so they can become LESS taboo. After all, they really aren’t as rare as everyone would like to pretend. And when you have them, or care for someone who does, it can feel so tremendously isolating. I just want you, and other readers to know, you are not alone.
It is unfortunate that there is still so much social stigma in the United States around issues of mental health. Even while there has been a lot of awareness, there are few people who will actually talk about struggling with depression, bipolar, or any of the other mental health conditions. But it is SO common: 1 in 10 or even more numbers than that are dealing with a mental health issue. Thanks for your sharing of your journey, for it is in community that we are not alone.
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