Were My Parents Naive, Or Is Life More Dangerous Now?
March 17, 2009
When I was 11 years old, my parents sent me away to Brazil for six weeks. Believe it or not, they weren’t trying to get rid of me; they wanted to teach me about the rest of the world. I went as part of Children’s International Summer Villages (C.I.S.V.), an organization dedicated to the idea that “the ultimate source for peace, long range, lay with the children.”
The way it worked was that they sent delegations of two girls, two boys, and a chapperone to camps in other countries. Each host country ended up with delegations of 11-year-olds from 10 to 20 countries. We spent a week with a host family before camp, a week after camp, and one month at the village. We wore traditional costumes from our country of origin, did folkloric dances, and taught each other about our respective languages and customs. It was a little like the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World.
My sister went to C.I.S.V. in Italy, and my brother was sent to Sweden. It was an incredible experience for all of us; something we are not likely to ever forget. It taught us early in life that people everywhere are just like us. They may look different, or sound different, but they love to laugh and play, and learn from each other. We have more similarities than differences.
I am so glad my parents sent me, but I can’t imagine sending my son today. I would LOVE for him to have that experience, but I don’t think I could send my 11-year-old on a plane, to stay with a host family, to spend six weeks with a bunch of people I have never met. Is it just me? Am I just over-protective and paranoid? Or, is the world a different place today… a little more dangerous?
When I was 13 years old, I used to spend my summers in Costa Rica with my best friend. I had to travel from California, by myself, change planes in Miami, clear customs in Costa Rica, and spend two months away from home. At 14, my parents would drop my friends and me off at Disneyland or Magic Mountain (Six Flags) when the parks opened, and pick us up at night. This was LONG before cell phones, so we were completely unreachable all day.
My dad sent me to Hong Kong as a representative of his business when I was seventeen! I was completely alone, in China, meeting with his business associates. Then at 18 he signed me up for flight lessons, which became solo student flights over the California desert, then multi-engine instrument training. It’s scary enough to think of 18-year-olds driving a car… but, flying!?!?
I used to think these experiences were incredibly cool and something everyone should get to try. Now that I am a mother, I can’t help but look at them a little differently. I believe I’d be scared to death letting my son do any of these things. Maybe it is because he is only eight, so I can’t imagine just how independent and capable he will be when he is… 11!?
I would love to hear from other parents reading this. What do you think? Were my parents naive to send little ol’ me out into the world at such a young age? Was it fine to do it then (early 80′s), but crazy to do it now? Am I just paranoid and over-protective?
What would you do?
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I guess the world is genuinely more dangerous nowadays — but I also think we’ve become a little over-protective, a little paranoid. Are you parents around, that you can ask them how they felt when they sent you to Brazil? I bet they were nervous, too. When I first saw little kids taking the public Metrobus alone to school in D.C., my first reaction was shocked concern, but really … I don’t know. I think if that CISV program is well chaperoned, it’s not SO much different from sending your kid to overnight camp nearer to home. Call them — ask if there are parents who’d be willing to talk with you, who have done it recently.
Funny … I ran out of tofu yesterday and decided to put a raw egg in my smoothie for protein. Now, this egg was laid by my hen in my backyard, I myself took it from the nestbox, and I know the shell was clean (eggshells are porous, the salmonella gets in from the outside). But still — even though we used to put raw eggs in what we called “shakes” back then, when I was a kid, and never thought twice about it — I know there’s nothing to worry about, really, but I still feel a little uneasy.
Spirit of Adventure, Lisis, spirit of adventure!
PS, easy for me to say — I’m not a mom
What a great answer, Regina; Spirit of Adventure, indeed… It probably was just as nerve-wracking back then, maybe moreso because the world seemed like a bigger place. Unfortunately, I don’t have either of my parents anymore to ask them. I guess that is one of the reasons I am throwing this out there to my readers as my son quickly approaches that magical age.
I love your story about the egg because I have caught myself doing the same things. Still, I see people here (in Costa Rica) doing things that seem incredibly risky, like drinking milk straight from a cow. But that is exactly how milk was consumed for thousands of years. Now we have been made to be a little afraid of the natural state of anything. I suppose we overcomplicate things unnecessarily.
Thanks for your answer, Regina. I can’t wait to read some of my other readers’ opinions on this. Any parents out there want to weigh in?
I think it’s a little of both. The world *is* more dangerous now than it was when we were kids. However, because we live in the age of 24/7 cable news, and news on the internet, we are exposed to a lot more “horror stories” than our parents were. 25-30 years ago, child abductions were rare, and it was even more rare for them to make it on the nightly news outside of their geographic area. These days, child abductions are only slightly more common (but still fairly rare) but we hear about them all the time from the national news. All of that exposure has illuminated the problem, which in turn has made us slightly more paranoid than our parents.
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Hi Lisis,
I am not a parent but I will say that the world is more dangerous now than it was when we were kids. I remember all the kids playing outside and no one watched us. I remember when Adam Walsh was kidnapped and that changed everything. All of a sudden, one of the parents would watch us as we played.
I think the world is much more chaotic now and as a result there is so much more fear. I liked what Regina said about the food, I remember my mom making cupcakes or cake, and licking the bowl to my heart’s content and no one cared about salmonella poisoning. Eating raw dough was a right of childhood and now I was watching a movie and someone told someone not to eat the dough because of salmonella poisoning. That is so sad.
Btw, I did a lot of things on my own too when I was a kid and looking back at it, I think my parents were crazy but times were different.
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Jay and Nadia, thanks for sharing your opinions with us. It is interesting to consider whether life IS more dangerous, SEEMS more dangerous, or is about the same and we are just more paranoid.
Now we need some parents out there to let us know if they would send their own 11-year-old kids to another country for a 6 week camp. I know it is one of the best childhood memories I have, and I would love to send my son… I just don’t have warm fuzzies about it. Maybe someone can convince me otherwise.
I’m not so sure the world is more dangerous, I think fear is just more popular these days. I have noticed parents these days are more protective than my parents were of me, but I think this is a function of increased paranoia.
Particularly since 9/11, the news has become more and more negative. Fear sells, and I think generalized fear is now a bigger part of western culture than it was 20 years ago. Fear is marketed today like never before. As a selling angle it makes a lot more money than it did before 9/11. So they give us more to worry about.
News stories about abductions and murders are actually popular these days and they still generate high ratings. People seem to love it in some strange way.
If you look at crime statistics in the US, violent crimes have actually declined steadily (and significantly!) since they peaked in the early nineties.
Like Nadia-HappyLotus described, after there was an incident, suddenly everyone changed how they did things, but that doesn’t mean there is any more good reason to be afraid than there used to be.
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Hi Lisis,
I have to agree with David. I don’t believe today is particularly more violent or dangerous than 20 years ago. Perhaps the difference is what’s in the news and how it’s communicated. News can be delivered instantly now via all sorts of media (like Jay mentioned)– TV, internet, radio, magazines etc… and it’s not just local news. One incident in a remote area of the world now makes your local paper’s front page.
I don’t know if I would be comfortable sending an 11 year old that far away but it would really depend who they were going with and if I felt I could trust the chaperon and the other kids. Both Gwynn and I really want to encourage our boys to explore the world and experience other cultures, we think it’s really important. The mommy in me wants to protect them and keep them close but the adventurous side says to let them go for it explore, try new things…I know this is something we’ll face in the future too but for now I’m enjoying the fact that the two of them are napping in their cribs upstairs.
@ David: I think you are right. My gut feeling is that the world isn’t necessarily more dangerous, but that our fears are sensationalized. And yet… it seems unfathomable that I could send my son on one of these trips (that I desperately want him to experience).
@ Sherri: I’m with you; I like the idea of my son exploring the world, but I really like the reality that he is right here, safe in the nest with me. Maybe it will be easier when he gets closer to 11… I hope!
Yes your parents were naive, No the world is not more dangerous now than it was when we were younger. I think the others who responded very eloquently about the mass media changing the way things are perceived are exactly right. Another aspect of this perception is a cultural shift that in some ways can also be connected to the media. When I was a kid the word Cancer was rarely spoken and when someone was brave enough to say it it was whispered. This morning I just blogged about cancer myself and read a blog about breast cancer. We are much more open about these things. My blog: http://raisingmaine.mainetoday.com/blogentry.html?id=12080
I also remember a time around the mid to late 80′s that was particularly strange for me in terms of information people shared. I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse. When I was abused people never talked about things like that. If it wasn’t happening in your family and sometimes even if it was most people had no idea how prevalent a problem it was. There were no “Good Touch/Bad Touch” lessons being taught then. A few years later, I’d say ’86 or ’87ish, Oprah, a survivor herself, really hit this issue hard. She came forward, people came forward on her show, statistics came out, and our communities and organizations couldn’t continue covering this stuff up and whispering about it in the same ways that had been done for years.
The statistics then and now are actually about the same. They are appalling. 1 of every 4 girls and 1 of every 6 boys are sexually abused. Only about a 10th of these kids are abused by someone they don’t know (statistics from http://www.darkness2light.org). The difference: your parents did not have this information. Ignorance is bliss, and in many ways those who did not suffer this abuse probably had better childhoods because of the lack of fear, and the ability to trust others. If the statistics haven’t changed in the past 20 years then knowledge has not been power in this particular battle. That also suggests that the protective toy filled worlds we’ve created for our children are not the best solution to prevent the ills of this world from reaching them.
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I don’t think the world is more dangerous. My son lived with a family for the summer in Costa Rica when he was 16. It was a great experience. I think you should send your child.
Do you want to pass on your fear of the world to your child?
Such an interesting topic — in 1991, I moved to east Germany at the age of 16, for a year. Not only did my mother let me go, but we didn’t even receive my host family’s address from the exchange organization — so we didn’t know where I was going. I just got on a plane and flew to Germany. I wonder often if I would let my children do the same thing – I can’t imagine it, and I don’t even have kids yet! But I hope I manage to come around by then, as I think it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
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@ Roger: You know, it’s funny because I have never considered that I have any real fears, especially about travel and getting to know any other countries. I suppose my fears are mostly about something happening to my son when I am nowhere around.
Last night a friend of mine told me of a time when her daughter was 11, and she sent her to Alabama for Space Camp (from Costa Rica). While she was there, the daughter got really sick and had to be quarantined in the hospital with just the chapperone there to check on her. But my friend didn’t drop everything and fly up there. The little girl recovered, came home, and everything was fine.
I am starting to lean towards sending him. It is definitely a once-in-a-lifetime adventure and wonderful experience.
@ Alison: Hey! I just missed your comment there, when I was replying to Roger! Thanks for joining in here.
Reading about your Germany story, and Roger’s Costa Rica story reminded me that I have never heard anyone wish they hadn’t taken one of those youthful adventure trips. It seems like anyone who has had these experiences, even if there was a crisis or two to contend with, is thankful to have gone. I’m sure the benefits will outweigh the costs.
I have 3 girls and I would be extremely nervous about letting any of them go on a trip like this but it sounds like such an awesome opportunity and I believe it would make my children more independent. I have always been a parent that is overprotective but I truly believe if one of them had an opportunity like that I would let them go.
My daughter, our first child, was born exactly one week ago. I think your parents were geniuses. Living in Southern California I see children that are pampered and protected into a stupor. If we want smart, adventurous and innovative children then we have to accept that there are some risks (less than we think) that come with that. If we don’t accept risk as a part of life then, ironically, we ensure the failure that we are trying so hard to protect them from.
I hope I’m as visionary and committed as your parents were. They sound fantastic.
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Lisis, I think you should call CISV, tell them how you feel (both the enthusiasm and the fear), and ask them if they can put you in touch with parents who have participated recently.
Happy adventuring!
@ Gennyfer: Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful answer. I’m sorry it didn’t show up sooner. For some reason your comment got tied up for moderation and I didn’t see it until this morning.
I do think there is a lot of truth to what you are saying; there were dangers then, even if people weren’t talking about them. Your experience, as a survivor of child sexual abuse, gives you a very unique perspective. I noticed on your twitter profile that you are also a parent now, so I can’t help but wonder if you would send your kids to a camp like this? In any case, it was a fantastic comment.
@ Sherie: I think I am a lot like you. The thought of sending him makes me nervous, but I will probably do it anyway because it is such an incredible opportunity.
@ Brian: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I am so happy for you that you are a new daddy! I love that you use such powerful and energized words to describe your approach to parenting (adventurous, innovative, visionary and committed). Your little girl is in for a really neat ride. =-)
@ Regina: I will definitely be looking into CISV in further detail as my son gets closer to 11. I have a couple of years left to pretend he’ll be a baby forever.
Hi Lisis,
I don’t think I can’t add anything new to what’s already been said here.
I’m in agreement that it’s our perception of the danger that has changed over the last generation rather than the actual level of danger. True living is inherently dangerous.
Personally, I value the opportunity for great life experiences and growth, more than the idea of over sheltering our children. But ultimately I think it comes down to the desire and maturity of your son (is he really ready for it?), and your (and also Jeff’s) faith in God and humanity.
I would be inclined to allow him to go. Acooba would too – but she would insist on going along.
Lisis,
Yes I would send them. I send my older kids to sleep away camp in the US but if the opportunity arose to do something in another country I would not hesitate. I always worry until they are back in sight but I can’t make sure they are safe forever, even if they are by my side. What I can do is give them as many tools as possible to keep themselves safe and process the bad things, whatever form they take, that will happen.
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Thanks, Michael and Gennyfer for sharing your confidence with me. I definitely feel more inclined to send him after reading all the great comments on this post. I have to admit, though, I’m with Acooba: I would feel much better about it if I could be one of the chapperones!
I think it depends on the individual. I probably wouldn’t have been mature enough to go on an exchange even when I was in high school! Yet some people, such as yourself, really gained a lot from the experience. It’s kind of the same with boarding school – I went there and quite enjoyed the independence and got a lot out of it, but some kids hated it and got really bullied.
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I’d say you’ve got a false dilemma there. Life is just as safe as it was back then, probably safer. The only difference between now and then is back then no one would jump down your throats with all the dangers of sending your child off to camp before they could look at the benefits. An adventure like that would be priceless for a child. That’s the important thing– how would your child feel?
Hey, Dana! That’s a great point… just like back then we rode our bikes without helmets, and got spanked by our parents without Children’s Services coming out to file charges. Our perception of danger (paranoia) is higher than it was back then… but the reality is probably the same or better.
The key for me is, like you said, how Hunter (my son) would feel about it all. He’s a pretty adventurous sort, so I think he’d LOVE it.
Thanks for your comment!
I am a parent and I must be underprotective because I clicked on that CISV website when I got to the end of the post, looking to find out when and how much.
I grew up on military bases and my favorite three years of my childhood was when we lived in Izmir, Turkey. My parents let us wander all over the city by ourselves. I was 6, 7 and 8. I saw things that no 6, 7, or 8 year old would ever get to see in 2009 in the US.
First of all, to even see kids out in the suburbs by themselves draws glares from worried, paranoid parents, who then go and spread rumors about that “The Smith child out by himself, with no adult! Where was his mother!??”
It’s the raw egg and the raw cow’s milk and the 911 and the Amber alert consciousness that has ruined childhood from the beautiful wonder time it was when we were kids.
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Hey, Amy! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views on this. I believe you are right that a paranoid mentality has set in and is really robbing kinds of the fun of childhood. Having been through CISV, I would have to highly recommend it. That camp is still one of my fondest memories of all time.
Hello Lisis, I am a parent in the same situation, my son is 11 and has the opportunity to go to a CISV camp next summer, but I can’t seem to get to feel alright about this, I am very fearful to send him off for such a long time with no way of helping him if there is a problem. Why is it that the kids sent there have to be so young? Why can’t they be a little older like 13 year old? I am leaning towards not letting my son go, but his mom is finding this to be a good idea. However when I have a bad feeling about something like this I think it’s better not to take a chance. I did have a talk with my son about these thoughts of mine, to find if he had any worries, turns out he did have the same thoughts, so I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better for us just to travel for about the same period and enjoy a foreign culture together as a family. I also find the information I read on the CISV website to be kinda kooky, and not quite informative about what the “program” is all about. How they do “turn” kids on to their way of thinking. In fact that is what made me start looking into other peoples real life experiences of the CISV program in the past. Well, just writing about this to you has makes me feel a little less troubled, haha. Maybe I just need more information from other parents who have recently sent their 11 year old’s to this!
All the best to you and your kids, Eysteinn the (overprotective) dad.
Hey, Eysteinn! I wish I could just get over my fears, but I just can’t. I tend to be overprotective too. I don’t know why it is, but it FEELS like we have more predators and weirdos interacting with kids these days.
I guess my take on it now is, if my son REALLY wanted to go… was looking forward to being independent and doing something different, I would get over myself and let him. But I don’t feel like I should MAKE him go, if he isn’t comfortable with the idea. You know? Some kids just need more independence and are more adventurous and OK with fending for themselves no matter what. Others hover closer to the nest, just in case they need mom or dad.
I think you, your son, and his mom need to sit down and figure out who really wants this, and why? If they are both pretty sure they want to do this, then you probably should try to get in touch with other parents who have sent their kids to get their impressions. My feeling is they probably loved it, and will help you feel much better about making the decision.
Thank you for adding to this conversation.. it still weighs heavily on my mind too as we quickly approach 11 years old!
Hey Lisis, thank you so much for writing your thoughts here, I think you are very sensible to open up this dialogue. And create a forum of discussion about what is the good and right thing to do about summer programs like CISV. What is a concerned parent to do? Whenever one ask for information I seem always to get propaganda, and I feel my concerns about the dangers of sending kids across continents are met by glib remarks, so it is fantastic to be able to voice my worries with fellow parents, to read your concerns (and others here) just to measure against how I feel about this. Whew, that was a long sentence.
Ok, you are right to point out that sending children at this age is best done with everybody in agreement & that we need to find out if the children really wants this. We the parents over here have by now talked seriously about this and we do not agree what is best, it is now a bit of a conflict in my family. Or I should say correctly I’m the one conflicted, as I am still not at all comfortable with the idea of my 11 year old son in the hands of strangers in another country for weeks on end and no telephone calls allowed. Weird huh!
I do see the benefits as well, that it can be great for kids to be in a program like this with many different children from all over, and the parents I have talked to seem fanatical about this program (or in denial that anything negative can happen). I am now learning more about CISV by reading all the material available online and the real life stories I can find, but so far my worries are intact. I’d much rather not send my son than take a chance on letting him go away. I think you say it best in your point that we the parents need to sit down and figure this out with our 11 year old if he really wants to go or if it just us pressing him into the unknown before he is ready. Last thing I want is to make him go if he doesn’t know what he is going into.
There are summer camps in my country as well, he has gone to them with other kids and had both a good time and some troubles as well, it felt good to know it was only a phone call away to fetch him if he felt miserable. Saying all this I do realize that CISV program is special and very great when it works, so my mind goes back and forth in trying to figure out this conundrum. Right now I think more time needs to pass, I have to sleep on this and in January find out with the other members of my family if my son is to go or not.
Meanwhile I am enjoying every moment with my 11 year old as if it was the last minute of his childhood. Already missing this child as he seems to grow up so very fast. I wish you the best in figuring out what you will do about your son, if you will feel confidant in sending him to CISV on his own or if you choose to be cautious (or some would say over-cautious) and have him grow up without it. For now, all the best wishes to you & yours for December Noel time, from me & mine in Iceland, Eysteinn.
Hi, Eysteinn! Iceland, huh? How very cool.
I wish this wasn’t causing so much tension in your family right now, but at the same time, I can’t say I blame you about your concerns. On the pro side, I can tell you that two of my siblings and I went, loved it, had a great time, and still look upon it as one of our favorite memories of all time. On the con side, I still feel like there are more dangerous or perverted people these days (though it may be only because we are more aware of them).
I definitely would not force your son to go, just for some idealized experience, but I also would not deprive him if he feels ready. The other thing to consider is, maybe he could skip the 11 year old trip and go later as a Junior Counselor at 15? He would still get to be a part of the international coolness, but it might be a more appropriate age for him. At least, that’s one of the things I’ve considered for my son.
I have a feeling my son will NOT be ready at 11. He’s 9 now and still doesn’t like to spend the night away from home, even with his very best friends. So, at this point, I’m thinking he has a better chance of attending the 15 year old CISV experience.
The biggest complication for you, really, is that you and your wife do not agree about his current level of readiness… which is why your son will probably have to be the one to decide (unfortunately). If he feels ready, you may just have to let him go and trust in him, in God, the Universe, whatever you trust in that things will work out fine.
Either way, I know this is a very difficult decision, and I wish I could make it easier for you.
Happy Holidays, my friend! Please let me know what you end up deciding.
Lisis
i am not a mum but i am a cisver….i was in the US in 2001 for a village and participated ever since. nothing has happened to me. i am fine. i went to another country to go to uni. i dont think i would be as confident as i am today without cisv. so i say- send your kid away and he will come back a person.
Lina, did you start as an 11 year old in 2001? If so, were you already a fairly independent 11 year old? I’m just curious because I know some kids who can leave home and go stay with a friend or relative for a week at a time, and others (like mine) who doesn’t want to be away at all.
I definitely think if I sent my son to cisv he’d come back a whole lot more independent… he would HAVE to. But that’s also a bit of a “swim or sink” approach to getting him ready to face the world. Is it possible some kids are ready before others are? Could the same independence be achieved if he starts going when he’s 15, instead?
I’m coming at this from a weird angle because I, too, went, loved it, and survived. So, I have faith in the value of the program. But I feel like I’d have to FORCE my son to go, and that doesn’t feel right to me.
Why don’t kids come with owner’s manuals?
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I guess parents have different insights in parenting. In your case, your parents would like you to explore the world and challenge yourself. Face your fears and become successful.
Our parents would always wish for the best for their children, but sometimes we’re just too naive to see them right away. But either way, we should be thankful in every way that God gave us such wonderful parents.
Just spread the love and enjoy.
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