New Beginnings: Letting Go of the Past to Start Anew
April 9, 2009
Spring is a time of new beginnings, new possibilities, and new life.
A year ago, my dad passed away; he simply wanted to stop suffering more than he wanted to continue living. My parents, together, had an amazingly fun and adventurous life… until 1999, when my dad’s plane crashed. It ran out of gas, clipped a tree, hit the ground and skidded to a stop when it hit a house. The homeowner, when interviewed that day, described what he heard as, “A knock on the door.”
That’s it.
No big drama, no tower of flames or screaming people. A knock on the door.Â
If the plane had been a low-wing, everyone would have survived. But it was an Aerocommander, and the wing collapsed onto the back seat, killing my mom and her good friend, Ruth. My dad and Ruth’s husband, Ron, were in the front seat and suffered serious, but not fatal injuries. Both of them ended up in wheelchairs.
Because my dad and Ron survived, my siblings and I never really had the luxury of giving in to grief. We had to press on. We had to find ways to help my dad find his will to live. We had to reassure him that he hadn’t killed our mom, the love of his life. It was an accident… these things happen… we didn’t blame him.
But the guilt, or the despair, was too much for him; it completely broke him down. He went through an awful episode that was the beginning of a battle with Bipolar Disorder. It was a battle that would test each of us in unimaginable ways, and one he would eventually lose.
Why am I telling you this?
Last week I told you a little about my Costa Rican adventures and learning opportunities. But what I didn’t mention was the reason for the trip: my siblings and I went to spread my parents’ ashes. It was the first time we were all together in five years. Most of my mother’s ashes had been spread in Upstate New York, near her hometown, in 1999. But my dad kept some of them with him at all times. So we joined the two, and spread them at their home in Costa Rica, and into the wind over the airport.
That was a beautiful day… the end of a difficult chapter in all of our lives. Finally, we mourned the loss of our parents, and the life that we had known with them. Time to let go.Â
The time has come for new beginnings. What will our lives look like now?
One of the things I realized while I was staying there, watching planes take off and land, was how much I miss flying. At the time of the accident, there was nothing I loved more than aviation… NOTHING. This was one thing my dad and I shared: that love for flying that cannot be expressed, it must be experienced. But after the accident, I stopped flying completely. I even got out of the aviation industry (I had been working at Lockheed Martin).
I always told my dad I had lost interest; or, when I had my son, that it would be irresponsible for me to fly, realizing how dangerous it could be. I even convinced myself that I was afraid to fly… “It has been too long; it’s just a footnote in my story.” I said this to him, to friends, to myself… but I lied it. I always wanted to fly, always.
To this day, when a plane flies overhead, I run out to see what kind it is and where it is headed. The sound of the engines makes my skin tingle and my heart beat faster. If it is a twin-engine, I listen for the sound of synchronized propellers, achieved only by pilots with experience, finesse, and attention to detail. As the plane flies away, and the sound fades, it takes a little piece of me with it… and I feel a little emptier inside.
What I realized in Costa Rica was that the reason I stopped flying, the REAL reason, was guilt. I felt guilty wanting to go out and enjoy a day of flying when my dad was grounded and yearning to be aloft. I felt guilty thinking of what it would do to him if something were to happen to my plane, and he lost his daughter to aviation too. Mostly, I felt too guilty to ENJOY anything, because he couldn’t.
Ten years… without my wonderful mom, without my adventurous, fun-loving dad, and without flying. Some wonderful things have happened in that time. I met and married Jeff, had my son, Hunter, and had some great adventures. But part of me has been dormant, just waiting… Now that chapter is over.Â
No more waiting.
No more hesitating.Â
It’s time for a new beginning.
I hope you enjoyed this post, and that you will consider sharing it with others, subscribing to this blog, and emailing me directly. I know most blog readers don’t leave comments, and I would love to get to know my readers better.
MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com
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This is a beautiful, touching post. When I was a little boy, my biggest dream was to become a pilot. I remember watching the planes that flew over my hometown in just the same way as you describe here. When I was about 16 or 17 years old, I took a “discovering flight” course where I met a pilot, and he walked me through all the pre-flight checks and procedures, then we went up and flew for a while. It was awesome, but I never pursued it any further. I still love planes, though, and still love flying.
Jay Schryer’s latest post… Integrating the Whole
Lisis,
What a lovely tribute to your parents. I’m sure they would be very proud of you and all the good you are doing with such a painful experience. Guilt is a terrible thing and I’m glad you will be letting go of it (it will take time) to pursue things that bring you such obvious joy. Good for you and thanks for sharing such a personal story it really is beautiful.
Sherri (Serene Journey)’s latest post… Go Ahead Make Your Day: 50 Ways To Make Today Shine
@ Sherri: Guilt is definitely a horrible, insidious poison that I am so glad to be free of. I didn’t really stop to think about how much it had imprisoned me until I started writing the post and couldn’t stop crying! But now I am excited about the new beginnings and possibilities.
@ Jay: You better watch out! As soon as I get current, I’m taking you flying. I know where you live… sort of.
Lisis, I don’t know what to say except I feel for you, and I’m glad you’ve reached a new stage in your recovery from this grief.
God bless you
Thanks, Regina! I am too… I feel 50 pounds lighter these days (which is always good for flying.) =-)
What a moving post. It really inspired me to let go of the past and to start fresh. Letting go of the past is never all that easy, but it is essential to moving forward with life. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us.
Positively Present’s latest post… the definition of happiness
Hi Lisis,
This was my favorite post so far and I love all of your posts. This was beautiful!
As you know, my mom passed away some years ago too. I know the pain so I can relate. I think there comes a time when you are ready to move beyond the grief. I came to the realization that I owed it to my mom to be happy. I know with all my heart that she would want me to enjoy life and not waste it by having grief.
Took time to reach that point so I am happy for you that you have turned the corner. BTW, we cremated my mom too and we still have to spread her ashes. My dad is not ready yet.
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s latest post… Laughter Does The Body Good
We can think of our life story as chapters in a book. The first few chapters of your book have been extremely tough, but they’re done now and have laid down the groundwork for who you are and the rest of your story.
How the remaining chapters turn out is up to you.
(It sounds like they’re going to be good ones! This blog, the community you’re creating, getting back into flying, I can’t wait to see what’s next!)
Gwynn’s latest post… 3 Important Questions To Consider
@ Gwynn: That sounds like a challenge… I’d better come up with some GOOD stuff to do this year! The only limit is my imagination, right?
@ Nadia: This was my favorite post, too; though it was tough to write. But I feel so much better now that it’s all “out there,” outside of my little head. Now I can just release it into the wind and move on. I’m so glad your daddy’s not ready yet.
@ PositivelyPresent: By all means, now is a GREAT time to let go. =-)
Well my friend, I can hardly believe its been a year since your dad passed and ironically you and I got to visit for the first time in so long. I think of your parents often actually. I had such a connection with your mom that has never really left me. And your always charming father who loved to keep me guessing with all his antics. I miss them both and grateful for having known them. I am very proud of how you have dealt with such a painful time in your life and wish for things to always be wonderful in your life. You are well on your way to a positive and fulfilled life. Love ya, Mel
Mel! My crazy friend, Mel… do you remember that time that you and Ali and I went flying and we had to get Symon to rescue us because the weather got crappy and I wasn’t Instrument Rated yet? Poor damsels in distress, indeed! Boy we have some stories from THOSE days, huh? It’s great to see you here, it really is. I’m coming back to SoCal very soon for our next reunion.
Hey girl,
It’s your squirrely, long-distance neighbor. So glad to read your post today. Been away for awhile working on all kinds of things. You better get in that plane and come visit Dottie and me, fly the pipe line and tip your wings to say hi before you land and we’ll have some party in the yard waiting for ya!
What a great picture of your parents, great way to remember them!
Now that you mention it, Chandra, that pipeline plane used to torture me every day! For those who don’t know… when I lived in Austin, I lived next to a giant Pipeline (Exxon, or one of those) and there was this Cessna that flew the length of the pipeline every single day, checking for potential problems. I was glad to have him there, but I would have preferred to be IN the plane than watching him.
Welcome back, Chandra… I missed you! =-)
I feel lucky to have known your parents, and to have such warm memories of them. I know they would be immensely happy for the life you have created for yourself, the support you continue to provide to your entire family, and the wonderful friend that you are and always have been! : ) I’m up for more adventures, too! Bring it on!
Alison | Quest for Balance’s latest post… New Beginnings: Letting Go of the Past to Start Anew
Lisis, this is such a moving post. Touching without sentimentality, which I consider to be a real art!
Your story of flying reminds me of my grandmother (she passed away a couple of years ago). She used to live on the flight path into Heathrow and the planes would pass over her after taking off. She was never bothered by it except for Concorde. You always knew when that was taking off because the engines made a very specific noise. Every day, she would go into her garden and watch it take off (she was well into her 80’s then) and dream of flying in it. She wasn’t a woman of dreams, but this was her dream. And she realised her dream on one of the tourist flights they sometimes did where they would just take off, fly over the Atlantic and come back .. about 90 minutes in total. She saved up enough money and this was all she wanted to spend it on. She was in heaven and somehow made her life complete.
I never really understood what that was all about until I read this post. Thank you for bringing my grandmother back to life in my heart again.
Ian | Quantum Learning’s latest post… 6 reasons eating vegetarian food is best
@ Ian: Awww… I think I would have liked your grandma! I’m glad she got to fulfill her dream (and good for her for not giving up on it!)
@ Ali: You were with us that last Christmas… ah, the memories… time to make some new ones, mi amiga!
Dear Lisis,
The opening line of this post “Spring is a time of new beginnings, new possibilities, and new life” is so true.
So much can be buried and made dormant beneath Winter’s cloak. But when we ourselves dare to live – to allow old dreams and hopes to reemerge and blossom despite the Winter – then Spring itself returns.
Lisis, thank you once again for inspiring me with your tremendous strength and courage.
“Beneath Winter’s cloak,” indeed… that’s beautiful. I’ll think of that when I see my crocus and daffodils starting to reemerge each spring.
You’re so very welcome.
Leap,
Tears. I had no idea. I am so sorry. But I know one thing: YOU were born to fly. Love you madly! xo
Lisis,
I can see you spreading your wings! Stumbled, obviously.
Want to write more but can’t sit any longer. I’ll go fly 
Come join me…
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Oh! You’ve almost wet my eyes.Feel really sorry. A sad story. But what to do since we are not controlling the things which happen on this earth.
But I’m really glad you are letting it go. That’s the only thing we can do. I remember a quote,
” Grief and sorrow do not come to us by chance, they are sent to us by the divine mercy for our own perfecting.”
Move on with your courage. Like Mic has said “So much can be buried and made dormant beneath Winter’s cloak”
Have a nice day!
Lisis,
Wow! My heart goes out to you, Lisis. I hope you start flying soon again.
I’ve lost both my parents and I know how difficult that can be. The one idea that helped me was that death is as normal as birth. We all die sometime and it’s easier if we just accept the idea.
Roger | A Content Life’s latest post… I Love My Books Too Much
@ Brandy: Thanks, luv. I know YOU know about me and flying… it is long overdue, huh? We still have to have our big catching up session one of these days. It seems I’m also overdue for a trip to Cali!
@ Sunny: You know better than anyone how fragile life can be, don’t you? I am so glad you made it through your heart attack, and I LOVED the post you wrote about it. Thank you for sharing those lessons with us.
@ Vikum: I love that quote! Sometimes I feel fortunate to have suffered so young, because it is almost a short-cut on the path to personal development and understanding.
@ Roger: I’m sorry for your loss, too. One thing that has happened to me is that I don’t just accept death, I fully expect it now. I think about the very real possibility that I may not live to see my son get married (like my mom never made it to my wedding date.) I want to pack as much love as possible into however many days I have left with him so he’ll always remember me. It’s a little like the present moment on steroids.
No time like the present to start flying then, right?
I have had many loved ones pass away in my life,but the two that were the hardest for me to wrap my mind around was the death of my father and my grandmother. I couldn’t understand why the two people I cared about and who cared about me were taken from this earth while my mom who abandoned me and my grandfather who molested me were allowed to live on this earth.
I still struggle with it to this day. With my dad there was no closure as he committed suicide when I was three and my grandmother died from sepsis which took her life in two weeks time. I was 29 when she passed away.
It makes me feel better when I get to read stories of how people get to have these special moments of closure with family and sometimes a few close friends of the family. I hope that your parents continue to watch over you and yours as I do honestly believe in angels and that they watch over us all the time to provide guidance.
Joe Cheray aka wildheart4vr’s latest post… The Top 10 most asked Questions When Searching for Paint Shop Pro Information:
Hi, Joe… I really appreciate you taking the time to leave me this comment. From time to time I get emails from readers who tell me their experiences with grief and loss, and how it helps them to read about how others are handling it. I think it helps just knowing that we are not alone.
I experienced something similar to what you described above. When the accident happened I was considerably closer to my mom than to my dad. She was the loving, sweet one that stayed home with us, he was the busy, working disciplinarian. When the plane crashed, I remember thinking, “If one of them had to die, why did it have to be HER?” It sounds horrible in retrospect, but it’s the truth; that was exactly my feeling. I don’t suppose I’ll ever know why it had to be her.
I finally decided that she had been so good in her life, so loving and caring and compassionate, that she probably fulfilled her “mission” earlier than most of us do, and didn’t have to stick around in this world of suffering any longer. Now she gets to be my guradian angel. It may be nonsense, but it got me through.
Coincidentally, my dad died of sepsis. He got in such a depression that he stopped caring for his wounds, and the infections spread to his heart. I’m not sure that means anything, I just thought I would mention it because it surprised me to see the word “sepsis” which I’d only seen once before… on his death certificate.
In short, I don’t have any answers for you as to the reasons or the timing of these deaths of those you loved. The only thing I can offer you is that it does get better. I had to wait ten years for closure of any sort, but I learned a lot during that time. And if my experience can help anyone else cope with their grief, and lessen their burden, then I’m glad I had it.
Thank you for joining this conversation!
Today in church the minister talked about the voids left in our lives due to various experiences of loss in ones lifetime. I had to laugh softly to myself as he was giving his sermon as he had been preaching about something I had just been talking about here on your blog just the day before. It is really ironic how this signs are placed in our paths and the timing of these signs.
Sepsis does exactly what you described it takes over your whole body because of the poison in your body taking over your entire immune system on every level. There is another term called septic shock which is similar to insulin shock but at a more severe level. I am glad I am not alone on learning how to let go.
Joe Cheray aka wildheart4vr’s latest post… The Top 10 most asked Questions When Searching for Paint Shop Pro Information:
Well Joe, Easter Sunday seems like the perfect day for new beginnings, huh? I’m glad you are paying attention to the signs that are all around you… particularly, that you are not alone.
I’m so glad you are here.
Lisis,
For some reason, I was drawn into click on this link today. I’m so glad I did. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose a parent, let alone both. And the story you’ve shared here, I find so moving, and a wonderful tribute to your parents, and the deep love you have for them. I’m also drawn into this idea of going after our dreams…dreams that too often get pushed aside – because we aren’t listening to our deeper selves, or because we think they’re foolish, or because…(the list could go on and on). Now is what we have, this moment in time. And as I read this, I’m thinking about where I really stand in all of this…
Thanks so much for sharing this touching story.
Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day
Thank you, Lance. I’m glad you landed on this post too. It’s one of my favorites because it’s a tribute to my parents, explains a lot about me, and tries to show that it truly is possible to get over even the BIG painful challenges in life and continue onward. It’s never easy, but I think the best way to honor those we have lost is to live a really good life… the life they would’ve wanted for us.
From this post forward something clicked in my heart and mind that said, “It’s time to stop wallowing in the sadness of what was and what could’ve been, and time to start creating the life I want to live today.”
[...] and I’ve visited her mother in the nursing home. As many of you know, my mom died in a plane crash ten years ago, and I never got to grieve properly because my dad (who was the pilot) survived, but [...]
[...] New Beginnings: Letting Go of the Past to Start Anew | Personal Development | Quest for Balance http://www.questforbalance.com/2009/04/09/new-beginnings-letting-go-past-start-anew – view page – cached My parents, together, had an amazingly fun and adventurous life… until 1999, when my dad's plane crashed. — From the page [...]
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I loved this post. I have never heard of anyone feeling so passionate about flying and I can only imagine the conflict of emotions that arose with the loss of your mother.
I am also pleased to hear that you found a way to say goodbye to your parents and the burden of lies that went into maintaining that stiff upper-lip.
Good luck on your future adventures!
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Thank you, Alex! I really appreciate your kind remarks.