Letters from Readers: Overcoming Grief and Guilt
April 16, 2009
I recently received a beautiful letter from one of my readers in response to my post, New Beginnings: Letting Go of the Past to Start Anew. I asked her if I could share it here because I would like to encourage others who have a story to tell, or need to confide in someone, to email me directly at: MyQuestForBalance at gmail dot com. In addition, this blog has very insightful and caring readers who may have their own words of advice for this particular grieving soul.
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” –Heinlein
The Letter: On April 18th it will be one year since my mom’s passing. She fought a very long battle with Alcoholism and well, it won. Until about five years ago I was very angry with her, blaming most of my childhood and teenage “fallouts” on her.
It wasn’t until I realized, that if it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I pride myself on being a good mother and a strong person. It wasn’t until I let that blame go, that I could really enjoy her as a mother, person, and friend.
I now struggle with guilt… I knew she had started to drink again, and every time the phone rang the last few months of her being here, I would choose which calls to answer… for the sake of sanity. I didn’t want to hear her on the line intoxicated… like I had most of my life. The night before she passed was my daughter’s birthday; she called to say Happy Birthday to her.
When I picked up the phone we spoke very briefly, but she told me how she had been battling the flu, and wasn’t feeling well. I thought it was an excuse… like maybe she was trying to sober up again, and well, I just didn’t want to hear it. The phone call ended with her asking me to tell everyone, including my sisters, that she loved them and I finished with, “I’ll give you a jingle over the weekend.” I hung up the phone, slid it across the table and rolled my eyes at my husband. Four hours later she died.
The guilt inside of me is quite overbearing at times, and with the one-year anniversary coming up, well, it just seems harder. Reading your blog has given me a sense of hope that it will get easier, and that eventually I will just be able to let it go.
** This was my response to her:
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it’s never easy, no matter what our parents put us through. We still love them, since they are the only parents we have. I wanted to address a couple of things you mentioned:
Avoiding the phone calls – My siblings and I used to do the same thing when my dad got manic. He would call everyone at all hours and ramble incessantly. His calls and his actions would frustrate us so much that we actually started looking forward to his depressive phases, when he didn’t bother anyone for anything (even the basics). Imagine! Wishing our dad would just hurry up and get depressed again so life can get back to normal!!!
That last call – I remember my last conversation with my mom as if it had happened yesterday. She called me at work on a Friday afternoon, and I was real busy. I knew she was moving back to Georgia (from Florida) that weekend, so I said, “OK mom, I’m really busy… can we just talk about this on Monday, when you are HERE?” The next day I got the call from the police department in Ocala.
I used to torture myself because I didn’t make time to talk to her that day. But now I think, “Well, at least I got one more chance to hear her voice, and those words I would give anything to hear today: I love you, and I’ll see you soon!”
Same with your mom. At least she got to call and send her message of love for you and your sisters. Her life was probably a mess, but that had nothing to do with you and your sisters. If anything, I would imagine you were the highlight of her otherwise disappointing life. She loved you, as best as she could. And, I’m guessing, you loved her… in spite of everything.
It is OK to let go… to move on… to have a great life. Your mom lives on in you, so give her the life she never got to have. The best way to honor her is to have a wonderful, happy life.
I’m so glad you emailed me! Please know that I am here for you if ever you need me.
Do YOU have any words of wisdom or comfort for this reader?
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Posted in grief, guilt, helping others, Letters From Readers, love
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PS: Did you notice the heart in the picture… up in the sky?
Dear Author of the Letter
Sounds like you’d like to fully mourn and grieve for your mother? I’m guessing you would have liked to be able to tell her how much she meant to you, despite everything? How much you loved her? And part of what’s preventing you mourning is a wish you had been able to say goodbye to your mother in a different way? And thinking about how the last conversation went and your assumptions – you’re wishing you had listened to her more compassionately?
It’s hard to connect with you through comments on this blog … but if you can look behind the guilt and the sadness, maybe that can help release it.
Ian | Quantum Learning’s latest post… Do my words improve silence?
It is OK to let go, to move on, to have a great life. Your mom lives on in you, so give her the life she never got to have. The best way to honor her is to have a wonderful, happy life.
Perfectly said, Lisis.
Dear reader,
I’m not sure what your religious/spiritual beliefs are, but they will play a large part in healing you from this grief and guilt. Most traditions of the world believe that the soul, or spirit, survives beyond the physical death and enjoys a period of relaxation and peace.
If you believe that this is true, then your mother is still with you. You can still tell her all the things you want to tell her, and you can share anything with her. You can cry with her, talk to her, or even yell at her if you feel like that’s what you need.
If you don’t want to express yourself verbally, you can write her a letter, and pour all of your emotions into the words on the page. Make it a long letter, tell her every single thing you can think of. And try not to do any editing…keep your words as honest and spontaneous as possible. Raw emotion is what you are going for…get it out and onto the page. Once you are done, burn the letter in a little ceremony.
Be sure to include the positive things you want to say, too. Don’t forget to tell you that you love her, that you miss her, and that you are grateful for the good things she gave to you and did for you. Laugh with her as much as you can, and send as much love and peace to her as you can.
In all likelihood, you will go through periods of time when you are sad, when you are OK, and when you are happy. Grief is a process, and it’s often three steps forward and two back. Don’t try to force yourself to feel any certain way, just accept the emotions as they happen, and always remember that the bad ones will pass.
Healing takes time. That’s just all there is to it. But rest assured that your mother is in a place of peace, love, and light, and that she is happy and whole for the first time in a long, long time. She loves you more than you can even imagine. She loves you, and she is proud of the woman you have become.
Love always,
Jay
Both of my parents have died, so I can definitely sympathize. I also wish I had another 30 minutes to talk to my parents and tell them how much I appreciate them. In my mind, I sometimes talk to them and that seems to help ease my pain.
In any case, it does get easier with time.
Roger – A Content Life’s latest post… What’s Your Favorite Charity?
I’m a big believer in peer support (like this post!). There is a special sub-group of Al-Anon called Adult Children of Alcoholics, that would be a great place to look for some healing.
Regina’s latest post… Job Interview #1
My mother died back in 2005 from terminal cancer. My mom and I were close but our relationship was far from perfect. The first year after her death felt like a haze. So many things came to light and I began to question so many things about my past. My mom had a lot of pain but just did not know how to express properly. I know she loved me in the best way she could and I am sure that is what your mom did too.
Life is short and there is no sense beating yourself up over things you cannot change. Each experience in life provides a lesson so see what the lesson in this experience is for you. And the best way to honor your mom is to have a happier life and to be the best version of yourself.
Hope that all these comments provide some comfort. Please know that you are not alone. Losing a parent is never easy.
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s latest post… Who Do You Want To Be?
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.†(Heinlein)
While there is no greater joy in human relations than loving another person, love’s focus is truly on the other person and not one’s own happiness. For example, people willing put themselves at risk or even give up their lives for those they love.
Having one’s happiness depend on the happiness of another is itself problematic, as well as the idea of having one’s own happiness central to one’s life. When happiness comes, it’s incidental…
(I’m getting some kind of message that there’s a problem with my site showing. My site’s up and running fine but just in case I’m at http://www.originalfaith.com.)
All great responses to a difficult situation. I’m going to reiterate what Jay has written above; practice what he wrote.
And I’ll add that, when a soul’s time has come to continue its journey, that timing is unstoppable.
You’re well within your rights to have had boundaries with your mother, boundaries for your own mental/emotional health and that of your family.
And your mom left you the gift of guilt which can be used to fuel your continued personal growth. It’s not a matter of letting the guilt go, but transforming it. Understand that none of it is random, no life is a waste, no experience is pointless.
You continue to be each other’s teacher. There’s meaning even in suffering. Her soul is growing on another plane. Yours is growing on the earth plane with the residuals of this relationship. Make sure you fully engage this opportunity & blessings to you on your path.
Pamir | Reiki Help Blog’s latest post… Healing Resources: Books
Thank you for all of your comments so far. I know she is reading them, and will be able to look back on them whenever she needs to. She may or may not surface in the comments later today; it’s entirely up to her… but she will know she is not alone.
I am especially thankful to those of you who are commenting for the first time, who have come out of your shells to share your heart and warmth with someone who needs it. And to my regulars: you know I love you already!
Keep ‘em coming! There is nothing more healing than knowing we are part of a loving community.
I love what you wrote in your response and I completely agree. It’s okay to let go, to move on, to have a great life. Everyone deserves happiness and to have a wonderful life. It’s so difficult to let go of the past sometimes, but it’s really the only way to embrace the present moment.
Positively Present’s latest post… the resolution
I’m really amazed — but not surprised — by the outpouring of warmth and acceptance that is coming from our community here. How wonderful to see a few new faces today, and that you are all here to help. It’s nice to have many different perspectives, to hear everyone’s story. It reminds us that we are far from alone. I can’t speak for the one who wrote in, but I hope she takes comfort from your kind words. I know that I would.
Alison | Quest for Balance’s latest post… Letters from Readers: Overcoming Grief and Guilt
I am completely humbled by the words of the above readers. As I had explained to Lisis, I had many people telling me that some sort of support group would help me out-this was certainly a start.
To everyone who left me these wonderful comments, my sincerest thanks.
To Lisis who gave me the chance to make my little voice heard, I will forever be grateful.
Love to all
Stephanie
p.s.-I read these comments at work, and just as I started reading the last one, my radio started to play “G-L-O-R-I-A” by Van Morrison….that’s my Moms’ name..I reached for the mute button, but instead took it as a sign from her..;-)
Hi, Stephanie! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I hope that the words collected on this page, and all the sentiments behind them, will bring you some comfort in the days ahead.
I think your mom, Gloria, would be so proud of you for reaching out to others and happy that you will no longer be going through this alone. It’s time for new beginnings, my dear… everything happens for a reason.
I’m sending you lots of love and giant hugs!!!!! =-)
Dear Reader,
I lost my father last fall. There are things I wanted to say to him that I didn’t get a chance to. That was probably the hardest part of losing him.
As far as I’m concerned, there are two types of guilt.
The first type is the kind that nags at you for something you still have an opportunity to do. It is useful because it can prompt you to do the right thing.
The other type is the kind that nags you for something you wish you have done. This kind is much more insidious because it can’t be resolved by doing something. You just have to up and say one day “I am not going to explore this anymore. I am not going to scold myself over what I can’t change. I am not going to entertain any more thoughts or fantasies about what I wish would have happened.”
There are always loose ends like this when someone dies, particularly when it’s unexpected, and I think that’s part of what makes it so hard.
The truth is, you probably could not have done anything for her. Addiction is so overwhelming, and it takes a personal resolution for someone to get out of it. Others cannot make this resolution for that person.
Just remember, whatever situation you find yourself in, you always did the best you were able to at the time.
David Cain’s latest post… Thank You
I Really Love Reading Your Blog. Excellent. Keep up the great work!
Thank you so much! And welcome to Quest for Balance (sorry your comment got tied up in moderation for a while.) =-)
Everything written above references past losses and letting go now. The harder question to answer is what do I do about my guilt NOW when the person is in the process of dying and I find myself having to say no?
When isn’t it a legitimate request from them to talk to you?
When isn’t it reasonable for them to ask you to do them a favor?
When is it too much to ask for you to take them to a medical appointment that directly conflicts with your job?
How do you handle the guilt *now* when you say no? You just “let it go”? I don’t think so.
You’re right, Pam. Most of the discussion centered around having lost a loved one, in which case, all we can do is let go or hang on to toxic feelings that won’t do us any good.
What you are talking about is a whole different situation because the person is alive. I can very much relate to your question, since my dad was “in the process” for several years. He was in such bad shape that he felt entitled to ask anything of anyone, but at some point, everyone else has their own life to maintain (jobs, families, health, etc.).
I guess what I would tell you is there is no easy way to handle that situation, but that it’s a bit like the gas mask scenario on an airplane. They always tell you, should the masks drop down, put your own on first BEFORE helping your kids or anyone else. The reason for this is, of course, if you pass out you can’t help anyone. So you have to take care of your needs and THEN help in any way you are able to.
They can ask for favors all day long, but it will be up to you to decide which ones you can actually help with and not lose yourself in the process. VERY tricky (and painful) process, I know… and “let it go” doesn’t really apply here.
Thank you for adding this angle to the conversation and, feel free to email me if you would like to vent or talk some more (myquestforbalance at gmail dot com).