Fellowship Fridays: Be True to Yourself, and to Others
April 24, 2009
“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” (Alexis Carrel)
This week has been all about relationships for me. My dear friend and blog partner, Alison, came out to visit me for a long weekend. We both got to meet a fellow blogger, Jay from Porsidan, for the first time. I received a touching letter from a reader about the difficulty of ending a long term relationship when you are the first to recognize it is over. I met new people and connected with old friends through Twitter and Facebook. And, I had a heart to heart conversation with my family which made me realize how much they have missed me since I started blogging.
One of the areas in which it has always been tough for me to find balance is my relationships with others. I struggle with the dichotomy of my roles: Lisis the person (with selfish wants and needs) vs. Lisis the (selfless) mom, or wife, or friend, or helper, or anything else. I know who I am and what I like to do, so I could just lose myself in those pursuits. But I do not exist in a vacuum. There are others who count on me in all sorts of ways; I have to find the right balance between the things I want to do and the things I should do. It’s more complicated than that, really, because I want to do ALL of them… but I can’t.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)
So, for today’s Fellowship Fridays I went in search of articles about being true to ourselves while connecting with others. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with these sometimes conflicting goals. If any of you have found the winning formula, I would love to hear it. If not, please join me on my quest to find that balance. These are the articles that are helping me get started:
1. Form Meaningful Relationships, from Serene Journey
2. Let Go Of Expectations, from Joyful Days
3. Don’t Fake Yourself Into Failure And Unhappiness, from The Rat Race Trap
4. Do We REALLY See People, from Quantum Learning
5. Can You Embrace Your Authentic Sense Of Self While Raising Children?, from Create A Balance
I’d like to thank each of the bloggers mentioned for these very thoughtful posts. Maybe one day we’ll find the answers.
Related posts:
- Fellowship Fridays: There is a Reason for Everything
- Fellowship Fridays: Dealing with Special Needs
- Fellowship Fridays: The Magic of a Smile
- Fellowship Fridays: Notice the Little Things
- Fellowship Fridays: Getting Your Groove Back
Posted in Fellowship Fridays, beauty, choices, family
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Hi Lisis,
What an honest, heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing your experience and struggles so openly and inspiring us to do the same. Thanks also for the link love, I’m glad my post was helpful. I’m going to check out some of the other posts that are new to me!
Daphne @ Joyful Days’s latest post… 7 Kreativ Posts on the Dance of Life
This is beautiful, Lisis!
One of the things that I’ve started working on recently is being actively present with the people I am with. As much as possible, whenever I’m with someone, I try to give them my full and undivided attention – actively listening, actively engaging them, making them the center of my world for a few moments, if not longer. This serves two purposes. 1.) It makes them feel special, and they feel like they are getting more of “me”. They need less “Jay time”, because their time with me is well spent. 2.) It allows me to feel better about myself whenever I feel the need to be selfish, and take some time for myself. Because of this, I don’t feel like I’m slighting anyone else when I need my alone time.
Jay Schryer’s latest post… Dear Daughter
Lisis,
You are certainly not alone. I too was finding it a bit difficult juggling all of the responsibilities I had. I truly believe the answer comes in identifying priorities and planning around them. It also helps to stop every once in awhile, reevaluate and change course if you need to.
I’m pretty sure all mom’s feel guilt on some level, I know I do. To be blunt, I really think it’s inevitable. As moms we always feel bad for something…either not spending enough time with our kids, focusing on a “selfish” hobby, not cleaning the floors today or going for a walk etc…
I think there needs to be a balance between what makes *you* happy and able to reconnect with yourself and your relationships with others. I don’t know what you talked about in your heart to heart but perhaps ask your family what they need from you and let them know what you need for yourself. Setting expectations on both sides should help? For example if you need 2 hours during the day to do something just for you (blogging, say) maybe ask your son when during the day he wouldn’t mind you being “away” and on the computer to do your own thing. This way he comes to expect it and it also gives him a chance to do something on his own, which is great in of itself. If you need time on the weekend maybe do the same thing with Jeff and say I need 4 hours this weekend to myself when would work best?
Maybe by doing this and coming to an agreement/understanding with your family you’ll be able to do the things you love while feeling a little less guilty since you know your family is on board and supportive.
Sorry for the post of a comment
but I really want you know you’re not alone in trying to figure this all out. It sounds like you have a really supportive family so I’m pretty confident that you’ll find something that works well, it’ll just take time to sort out.
Oh and thanks for the link I’m really glad you like the post and that it helped you a bit on your quest.
Sherri (Serene Journey)’s latest post… Guest Post At On Simplicity
Lisis,
I think finding a balance in relationships is one of the hardest things in life so I guess you have a great name for your blog.
Seriously, you can’t please all the people all of the time, so it’s a bad idea to try and do so. The best you can do is negotiate and periodically re-balance.
Also, you can’t really be a good partner in a relationship unless you have inner-balance. This means that you need to take time for activities that are important to you. If you do so, you can dramatically improve the QUALITY of the interactions in your relationships.
Roger – A Content Life’s latest post… Staying Open-Minded With Others
Great post Lisis.
Sometimes we find ourselves spread so thinly being all the things we want to be or are expected to be. Like Roger says, its finding that balance, and that can change from day to day as life changes. The other option would be like a round-robin where you would flip from person to person, dropping them as soon as you have fullfilled their needs, but I think that would be a non starter.
Garry – thisimprovedlife’s latest post… Treat Each Day As a New Chapter
Thanks, guys (and dolls!) I think it is all about finding a workable balance and continually making little adjustments along the way. Part of what makes this so challenging is that variables change, right? Just when you think you’ve got it all worked out, something happens.
For instance, Hunter had a playdate every afternoon for a long time (from 3pm to 8pm) during which time he had NO use for me whatsoever. I could spend all that time working on blog stuff without him even noticing. Once I got used to that schedule, the friend stopped coming over, taking my little window of opportunity with her! Now I have to find a new time that works for everyone so we can all get what we need: family time AND personal time.
Sherri, thanks for the very thoughtful response. I know you totally *get* this dilemma, because you have two ever-changing little ones running around testing your carefully crafted balance. How lovely it is when we DO work it out, though, huh?
It can be hard because what I want is not always what is good for me or what I need. The balance between work and people, the balance between which people the balance between myself and other people, it goes on.
Hi Lisis,
I really appreciate this post and your honesty in what you are dealing with. Like all the others said, you are not alone. I have a packed schedule. I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, a blogger and a lawyer. It sometimes is hard to fit everything in but somehow it works. I am also fortunate to have so many people who love me unconditionally and they know that I do my best to reach everyone. I also somehow manage to find time for myself too.
I learned a long time ago that it is important to be calm. When a person is calm, it is amazing how many things they can accomplish. Stressing about it just makes it worse. It is also best to have a fluid schedule. Meaning that when a schedule is not so structured, you can make room for the unexpected events. It truly, in my mind, boils down to attitude. There is no limit to what a person can do in a day.
Nadia-HappyLotus’s latest post… There Is No Excuse for Laziness
I LOVE the picture you used in this post. It’s beautiful and the words are so true. This is a great and honest post and I really enjoyed reading it. We are all involved in so many relationships and sometimes it’s really difficult to balance it all. Thanks for posting the helpful links. I will definitely check them out.
http://positivelypresent.typepad.com
Positively Present’s latest post… wisdom from wonderland
@ Cody: I completely agree. Life is all about finding balance in many different areas. The way I stay sane(ish) is by avoiding the extremes and seeking the Middle Way… Aristotle’s Golden Mean. And it’s an ongoing process, like you said.
@ Nadia: I definitely am calm about things; it doesn’t really stress me out when I can’t accomplish all that I’d like to, it just disappoints me. My friends and family understand and love me unconditionally, but it’s hard for ME to have to recognize that I can’t do all the things I’d like to do with each day. I really would like to spend all day playing with my son, or working on the blog, or hiking with Jeff, or traveling to see family, or reading a good book, or gardening, or flying, or… so many other things. What I have had to come to terms with is that there IS a limit to what I can do in a day. It may not be the same as someone else’s limit, but there is a limit… for me. All I can do is give it my best effort.
@ Positively: Thanks! I love that picture too. It’s actually the 15-year-old daughter of one of my very dear friends; she takes her pictures and alters them in neat, artistic ways. I featured another of her pictures on my Fellowship Fridays: Inner Peace post. I’ll tell her you liked her work… she’ll be very excited about that.
If I want to be free I have to be me, not the me the world would want me to be!
Cody Dream-Life-Coaching’s latest post… 3 Steps To Financial Freedom
Yes, yes, and yes – can totally relate, as others have said…and I think blogging and social networking is particularly tough in this regard, because you never ‘go home’ – there’s no definitive end to your workday, and you always feel like you could be doing more, or you might be missing someone’s comment or tweet…I sometimes fall into that and I am not even striving to be a full-time blogger…also all too easy for me to think I’m with my family when I’m only half there because I am checking my reader or twitter every two minutes! So I have gotten very strict about 100% non-computer time during certain hours and days…thx for another sharing post…
Lisa (mommymystic)’s latest post… Poetry, Music, Art and the Mystic Experience
I’ve been spreading myself a bit thin too. This weekend I’m going to be cutting a few things loose.
All of you parents who are managing a blog in addition, you have my deepest respect. I feel spoiled to have no commitments of that magnitude. But still I manage to fill up my time with all kinds of things.
Some of my activities are deserving of the time I give them, and some just aren’t. I have to admit, much of my time in front of the computer is unfocused. I click from one blog to another, and half the time I don’t have a clear purpose or desired outcome. I know I have plenty of time, I just have to get out of the habit of getting lost in the internet.
David Cain’s latest post… 7 Profound Insights From the Beatles
thankyou for such an honest and thoughtful article. I read each line and it felt like you were inside my head, talking about my life. That is great for two reasons; 1 – I am not alone, and 2 – you have shown me things I need to see.
My life in the last 4 years has changed beyond all recognition, no longer do I chase the money or the status or the material objects, now I enjoy my daughter and my family and I also give of myself to voluntary organisations, people in need of care and the church through my Licensed Lay Ministry role. Of course the down side is that I have not had my prayer answered for an extra 2 hours each day!!! Family comes first, always, and Rachel gets my solid attention when she’s at home and awake; but my long suffering husband often gets slid down the list behind the rest of the world in need. Of course this is not because he’s worth less but because the joy and fulfilment I get from helping others is spectacular for me and beats watching the TV any day.
Having read your article and done some soul searching I am going to schedule time for my husband, it sounds formal but it’s necessary. without him I couldn’t do the work I do for others, emotionally or physically
thanks
emma’s latest post… From Calling to Application
@ Emma: You know you are so right… for some reason the spouse usually gets the shortest end of the stick. A boss has to be catered to, a child is dependent on us, friends and family have inflexible expectations of us, our hobbies and passions are easy to get lost in because they make us feel so alive. So our spouse is the one we just assume will always be there… that one can wait… he’s last in line. I first recognized this when I was trying to be a working mom, so I decided to quit my career (easy to do since I didn’t love it.) This is a little trickier because I love blogging and helping others, but I still have to remember to keep things in perspective. I think it’s great that you volunteer to improve the lives of others, just be sure to add him to the list of people you devote time and energy to.
@ David: Thank you. I think it’s neat that you recognize the added challenges of juggling kids in the blogger’s mix even though you haven’t gotten to that phase yet. The beauty of this is you can make the most of the time you have all to yourself right now. There are all sorts of wonderful things about being married and being a parent, but it’s best to appreciate the phase you are currently IN. Focus on the positives of your situation. Having said that, the same rule applies to you as to the rest of us: limit your time online so that you focus on the most important things while you are there, and still have time for “real” world activities.
@ Lisa: You raise a very important point about being fully present even when we are not online. When I first started the blog, there was SO MUCH to think about that even when I was not at the computer my mind was still on it. I remember noticing several times that my son would be telling me something about LEGOs or HotWheels for a few minutes, and I would smile and nod, but had NO IDEA what he just said!!! I felt awful because I realized I was not really THERE with him… only my body was. I’ve gotten better about leaving blog thoughts at the computer so that when I’m away from it I can focus on the things going on in Hunter’s or Jeff’s life too.
Lisis, first of all thank you soooo much for the link love! I really resonated with this post. Like most else I go with my gut. When something feels right it usually is. Also, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. If you are not happy, if you are not satisfied, if you are not fulfilled you are NOT going to be able to enrich the lives of others.
Do we think our children benefit from a stressed-out mom who is not the most loving, happy, and fulfilled person she can be? No! Take time for yourself and then be able to give your complete self to others. Quality time is more important than quantity time. People who make this mistake are withholding something from those they share themselves with and that includes your children.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap’s latest post… Harness the Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Changing Your Inner State
Good stuff.
I find the key is living your values. Opposites attract, but similarities bind. When you live your values, you’re true to you and other people know what to expect. It’s integrity and congruence.
I think where things go south is when we try to fit in situations that really don’t match our values.
J.D. Meier’s latest post… Finding Your Process
@ JD: I think you’re right about that. I definitely need congruence to feel like I’m on the right path. Whenever I start to take on things I don’t really believe in, or start to tread down someone else’s path, that’s when life gets out of balance. I believe I know what my North Star is… now I just have to remember to follow it even in light of the many distractions.
@ Stephen: Quality time definitely makes ALL the difference. The other night I spent about 30 minutes doing candle art (extreme candle meditation) with Hunter, and yesterday we sat and built LEGOs together for about the same amount of time. It wasn’t a LOT of time I was spending with him, but it was completely devoted to him… and he noticed. He kept telling me how much he loves doing things with me. We’re always physically in the same house together, but he means WITH my full, undivided attention. Kids notice every little thing.
Lisis.
I found the formula! At least, I knew what it was when I was a child – I just forgot it as an adult.
Thanks for the link! And I’m very jealous that you, Alison and Jay all met up. Did you all match up to the expectations you had before meeting? Any shocks?