Old Self vs. New Self

May 5, 2009

Ever since my parents’ accident, I have looked at these two statues and thought I had become like the Weeping Buddha. I felt like I was always sad and withdrawn, curled up in a ball and avoiding real life. The Happy Buddha reminded me of my old self: young and fancy-free, always out doing things and having a great time. I kept thinking I needed to get back to my “old self” and back in the game.

But then one day, I was looking through my old journals and realized, I had it all wrong. Back in the days when I was young, single and out living it up, I was really distracting myself from feeling painfully alone and disillusioned. All I ever wanted was to grow up to be like my mom… a loving wife and wonderful mother, and back then I thought no one would ever marry me. I went places and did things to keep busy, to avoid giving in to my inner sadness.

The year of the accident I also met my husband; and the following year I became a mother. Now my life may not be as glamorous and extravagant as it used to be (I’m not flying to El Paso for lunch, and Vegas for dinner) but I have everything I ever wanted. I am a wife. I am a mom. I am loved. I am now the Happy Buddha. When I look back at my old self, the one before the accident, it was that self that was perpetually weeping, despite outward appearances.

Do you ever catch yourself thinking, “I just don’t feel like myself anymore“? Or promising that one of these days you’ll get back to being your “old self” again? Maybe you want to get “back on track” because you made some poor decisions that led you off your original path.

Here’s the thing though: your life journey is not set out in a clear and definite path. When you make a mistake, or take a chance and try something different, you don’t temporarily fall off the tracks, only to have to find your way back later.

Life is more like those directories you find all over the shopping malls. No matter where you come in, you will find a map of the enormous, over-complicated structure, with a little marker that says, “You are HERE.” This is your reminder that only the present moment exists.

From this point, you can see what is on the map, to get an idea of what your options are. You pick your preferred destination and head out in that direction. But what ends up happening, is that something distracts you along the way. Maybe you deviate to the food court for calories you didn’t need. Or, you are drawn to an over-priced store to spend money you didn’t have.

“Darnit!” You hate yourself for stopping there; you really wish you hadn’t. “I should have known better… well, I guess I should find my way back to where I was headed.”

So you find your nearest directory, and what do you see? Does it show you where you started from, and how to backtrack? No. It shows another marker that says, “You are HERE.” No matter where you came in from, how you got here, or where you were originally headed, THIS is where you are NOW.

At this point you have a couple of choices: you could re-trace your steps and head back to your original destination; or, select a new one, relative to where you are now. When you were at the last directory, you made a choice based on what you knew then. But now you’ve seen more; you’ve been places. Maybe now you are in the mood for something entirely different. So you set off in a new direction.

This is how life works. We started on a particular path based on the information we had at the time. When we were 18, we chose a college and a major based on advice we received from parents or career counselors. But how could we know at 18 what we would love, or want to spend our life doing?

Somewhere along the way we stop, look around, and wonder, “How the heck did I end up here?” Are we going to backtrack to our starting point for a do-over? Not likely. We take stock of where we are, who we are, and what we want. Then we chart a new course for our New Self, knowing that the path may change again along the way… and that’s just fine.

When you were born you were one person: Baby You. As a teenager you were another: Teen You, different from the first, but still you. Then there was College You, Career You, Relationship You, Family You, Weak You, Strong You, Sad You, Happy You… all different, depending on where you were in your life; but all of them YOU.

There is no “self” that defines who you were, are, and always will be, because you are constantly changing.  So there is no “Old Self” to get back to, or wish you were like.  There is only THIS you, the one here and now; and THIS you gets to decide where you are heading to next. All that matters currently is, “You are HERE.”

Where do YOU want to go now?

As you may have noticed, I turned off the comments for this post.  If there is something you would like to share with me, you can contact me directly at:

MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com.

Or, if you prefer, you can tweet me @Serene_Balance.

Thanks!

Related posts:

1. Exposing Our Insecurities to Find a New Balance
2. 10 Things You Should Know About Yourself (aka: “So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish!”)

Posted in balance, choices, happiness, inner peace, present moment