Standing Alone, Serenely Balanced

May 12, 2009

There are so many times when I feel completely alone. I have my family, friends, neighbors, and random people all over the place, but I’m still alone. No one else knows, really, what it is to be ME. I can talk about it, and write about it all day long, but I’ll never be able to fully convey what I go through each day… what I’ve been through in the past… what my hopes are for the future.

It’s not that I believe no one cares; I know there are people that do care. But how much of myself can I share in a 695 word post, a 140 character tweet, a five minute phone conversation? Even if we had an all day long conversation, and we talked all week, you still wouldn’t KNOW me. No one will ever know me… completely.

There is just me.

“Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,
Only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness;
So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another,
Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.”

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

All the memories, experiences, good times, regrettable moments, brilliant achievements, shameful decisions, hopes, dreams, regrets… they are only mine. They are my little box of treasures that I can’t show anyone. I can tell you a snippet of this story or that one, I may even show you a picture or two… although the picture doesn’t really capture it, does it? Come to think of it, neither does the story. All these treasures I collected are just for me to admire… for me to know about… for me to one day forget.

I wish I could forget them now, today. As Dante said, “There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.” I wish none of it ever existed so that I would be a blank slate, and each time I met someone, or exchanged an email with someone, that person would know my entire history. That person would know ME… all of me. And we could share that together, and revel in our togetherness.

But it doesn’t work that way.

Even the people I’ve known the longest know so little about me, and I’m not trying to hide anything. I am as open and honest as I can be; it’s just the nature of being human. We are each such complex individuals, with such unique histories, no one will ever know us completely. But we can know ourselves.

I am, by default, my own best friend. The least I can do is get to know myself better, to pay attention, to listen, to treat myself well, perhaps even love myself. That is truly unconditional love, because I know every little thing about myself and still find a way to love the person I have become, mistakes and all.

On a rock in the rapids
sits
a fallen camellia

-Miura Yuzuru

This is a Japanese poem that I first read on Mommy Mystic. I don’t know much about poetry, but I do know that this little guy went straight to my heart, describing how I often feel.

The rock in the rapids sounds like a solid, strong body standing up to a constant stream of chaos and confusion. But the rock… sits. In other words, it is calm and unperturbed. On this rock is a camellia… a little bit of random, delicate beauty in the most unlikely place. And this camellia is “fallen” so it is a little sad, a little weak, a little soft.

I know I stand alone; but because I have come to terms with this, and because I have learned to know and love myself completely, I am able to stand alone, serenely balanced.

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