Depression: So Many Shades of Blue

May 13, 2009

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“It seemed like this was one big Prozac nation, one big mess of malaise. Perhaps the next time half a million people gather for a protest march on the White House green it will not be for abortion rights or gay liberation, but because we’re all so bummed out.” –Elizabeth Wurtzel

(Photo by Flynn Wynn) These days everyone throws around the word depression like we’re talking about the common cold. We all know someone (or are someone) on antidepressants; that’s the cure for everything now. The doctors just lump all of our issues together into one common enemy: depression, with one common cure… which never seems to quite do the trick.

Gertrude Stein coined the phrase “A rose is a rose is a rose,” but the same is not true of depression. In fact, there are so many degrees and sources of depression, it would be impossible (and boring) for me to list them all. But it’s important to understand that all depressions are not created equal. They all feel terrible, but stem from different places. If you know which type you are dealing with, you can find the best way to address it. Just to give you an idea, here are five distinct depressions I have experienced personally, and how I overcame them:

1. Grief and Loss - I lost my mom, my dad, and a very dear friend. I have felt the unfillable void… the one that reminds me every day that life will never be the same. There are no words that make this sadness go away. There is no pill that brings my loved ones back. The only way I got through this depression was to allow myself to feel the pain, accept that my life was going to look different from that point forward (though not necessarily worse), and try to live the best life possible in order to honor their memory. The last thing any of them would have wanted is for me to live my life with sorrow, despair and emptiness. I miss them. I love them. I’m blessed that I knew them. I am a better person because of them.

2. Post Partum - I had my son the year after I lost my mom. He was a big baby, and I had an epidural. Some people say these may be contributing factors to Post Partum Depression. But who cares, really? Because when you get home from the hospital, and everyone is congratulating you, and you look at your perfect little baby and your loving husband, but your only thought is, “I don’t love this baby… I am a terrible mom,” it doesn’t really matter WHY you are having those thoughts.

All that matters is that you are… and you don’t dare tell anyone about them, and you won’t take antidepressants because you want to breastfeed your baby, and you know you’re not a bad mom and that you’ll grow to love this little stranger, but you feel awful because other mommies look so damn happy with their babies right from the start! All you want is to feel like a good mommy!!! I finally talked to others about it, and took the stupid meds (Zoloft), and was able to appreciate the joys of motherhood at long last.

3. Clinical - Once the Post Partum Depression went away, I was able to love my baby, and I loved him a whole lot. I was so thankful to have a healthy son and a wonderful husband. We were fortunate in that I was able to quit work and stay home with Hunter, playing, gardening, reading… generally enjoying life. And yet, I wasn’t. My life looked great by all rational standards, but felt awful. I had a perpetual dark cloud hanging over me, no matter what I did. Life was always out of focus, since I was looking at the world through tear-colored glasses.

My husband thought I wasn’t happy with him, or with the life we had created together. But it wasn’t that. I had everything I ever wanted. I had everything but the right amount of dopamine in my brain. No matter what reality looked like, my brain saw a faded version of it… one that was lacking some indefinable thing. But what was actually lacking was one puny brain chemical. Kinda like Parkinson’s Disease, only the lack of dopamine affected my feelings instead of my motor skills. So the docs put me on Wellbutrin this time… a “dopamine reuptake inhibitor” (fancy phrase for: lets you experience pleasure again).

4. Search for Meaning - So I’m trucking along, I have a loving family, the meds keep me from crying all the time, and life is basically fine. But that’s just it… life is just fine. It’s not great. I’m not doing anything wonderful, or helpful, or even terribly productive. I am unfulfilled. “Life has no purpose,” I think; “Why am I here?” This is the eternal question, right?… the very reason for art and literature throughout the ages. What is my raison d’etre (reason for being)?

This is when I entered my journaling cocoon. I started reading everything I could find on philosophy, spirituality, and every major religion in a desperate search for answers. One of the best books I found was Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. I wrote down all my thoughts and feelings, trying to discover some common threads and the little things about me that make me unique. I discovered that, among other things, I am insanely empathetic. I have suffered enough that now I recognize the same suffering in others, and I feel it with them.

“Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your vocation.” (Aristotle)

5. Stress and Fear - Lately, there’s been a new kind of depression lurking, threatening to commandeer my thoughts, if I let it. The stress and fear associated with these difficult economic times sometimes makes me feel like we have no options, no way out, no hope of finding a good solution to our everyday issues. In the past, we were fearless. When we went to Costa Rica in 2004 Jeff just quit his job and we sold our house, without even a second thought. No worries. Now, we would like to make a move back to Austin but… can we sell our house? Can he get a job? Should he leave a sure thing, even if he is unhappy there, in order to follow his dreams? What if he gets a job, but we can’t sell the house? Which to do first?

These thoughts, and others like them, are a vicious cycle of fear that feeds itself. If you allow them to take over, they gladly will, paralyzing any hope you may have of chasing your dreams. All we can do is face each issue as it comes, and deal with it pragmatically. We’ll try to sell the house. If it sells, we’ll rent somewhere and look for his job in Austin. If he gets one, we move there and figure out the next part. Baby steps. Breathe… things will work out.

They always do.

The thing to remember about the different types of depression is that they are all illusions. They do not accurately represent reality. The internal voice that says, “Life is no good,” is no different from the delusional voice that tells the schizophrenic, “People can read your mind, and are trying to come after you.” They are false, imaginary voices even though they feel very real. We need to learn to recognize these voices and choose not to believe them.

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Posted in acceptance, depression, grief, Overcoming Challenges