How to Use Friends and Take Advantage of People

May 19, 2009

My dad’s favorite coffee cup had a picture of Garfield, with the words, “Use your friends wisely.“ He was real fond of that phrase, and used to preach it to us like it was the gospel. I was outraged!!!

Judging my father like only kids can, I used to believe it was despicable that he would even consider USING his friends! ”How unethical!  How very shallow and inconsiderate!” (How quick we are to judge our parents harshly before we truly understand them.)

What I later came to realize was that we were each reading our own version of the phrase. I focused on the USE YOUR FRIENDS part, whereas he was focused on the WISELY part… as in “make the best use of your friends so that it’s a win-win for everyone.” It’s the efficient delegation of duties so that no one is disappointed. 

This is the basic concept behind team-building, right? A good football coach wisely uses the light and fast guys to run, and the big heavy guys to block… or so it would seem. You have to know who to turn to for each of your specific needs, according to what the other person is good at, or enjoys doing. Having unrealistic expectations of another person only results in disappointment for both. 

I recently went to the Chateau Elan Spa with my friend, Alison. We both love the place, the services, the tea times, and the winery, so it’s a win-win for us. While we were there I noticed a few couples waiting for their spa services. The husbands, honestly, looked like they would much rather be out on the golf course than waiting for His & Hers Pedicures. The wives looked a little disappointed that the husbands weren’t tickled pink about the romantic ambiance at the spa!

“REALLY!?” I scolded these women in my mind, “Did you seriously think this would be his cup of tea?” Granted, for some guys it is, but these guys… they were clearly not feeling it. ”Why would you try to make him fit into a mold that obviously was not designed for him?” Let’s put it this way: I’ve been there once with my husband, and three times with Ali (and she lives clear across the country!). Know your loved ones, and be considerate of their interests.

Use And Be Used

I’d like to tell you a story about two dear friends of mine, Yensel and Gaye. Yensel is a super efficient wonder woman who lives in Costa Rica. Recently, when I was trapped there because of my immigration ordeal, she repeatedly saved my arse. No matter what crazy requirement immigration came up with, and no matter what inconvenience the third world country threw at me (no power, no internet, insane traffic), Yensel always found a way to solve my problems. I essentially USED her (with her consent) to get what I needed, and she loved that I did… because she LOVES to be helpful and feel needed. Solving problems makes her happy.

Gaye is a tender loving soul who was my neighbor in Austin. One day she came to my house and asked, in her usual sweet way, if I would like to go walking with her (the exercise kind, not the stop and smell the roses kind). I responded openly and honestly, “No… I really would not.” I didn’t want to go because I hate exercise, but I love spending time with Gaye, so I invited her to come in for a chat instead. It was my responsibility to let my friend know the best way for her to use me. If you’re looking for a workout buddy, you should find someone else.  If you want company, conversation, or a shoulder to cry on… I’m your gal!

Make sure you know your friends and loved ones well enough to understand what each one would enjoy helping you with. But also, make sure they know what they can come to you for. This way, everyone gets what he wants, and no one is disappointed by his own unrealistic expectations.

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Posted in choices, family, happiness, helping others