Is Being “Gifted” Really a Good Thing?

May 20, 2009

Do you ever feel like you are the one parent who is doing it all wrong? I was just reading about Hothouse Kids and the trouble with “giftedness” in our quest to be special. What is the deal with superstar (Hothouse) kids and their parents? Why do we compare ourselves, and our children, to them?

I don’t get it. I see these kids on TV and I am totally fascinated for the entire time they are on stage. They are talented and funny and gifted and fearless and charming and determined and, most importantly, four or five years old! But when I look around at all the kids I know who are that age, I don’t see any prospects of that. 

Were these particular kids born that way? Did their parents force it upon them? Or was it just that each of these kids had a particular interest or talent which the parents then went WAY out of their way to cultivate? I don’t approve of the practice of forcing kids into stardom, whether it is academic or artistic or based on appearance. But these kids don’t appear to have been forced. They seem very happy and fulfilled, in fact.

What’s wrong with me?

All of this makes me wonder why I don’t have a whiz kid. It’s not that I WANT one, mind you; it’s just that I don’t understand what is lacking. Is it that my kid just isn’t capable of these amazing feats? Or, is it that I don’t do enough to help him be all that he can be? 

When I see a four-year-old playing Mozart to perfection, I think, “I can’t even get my son to GO to a piano lesson, much less practice or be dedicated.” Another child is reciting the Declaration of Independence and the “I have a dream” speech perfectly and eloquently. I can’t even get my son to read Dr. Seuss to me, unless he just happens to be in the mood for it. Granted, each kid has his or her own area of expertise. It would probably be impossible to get the pianist kid to recite historical speeches or the memory whiz to excel at the piano. 

So, at least part of the trick lies in finding the one thing that each child likes, is fascinated by, or is good at. If my child is not a whiz kid by the age of 6, it is at least in part MY fault for not finding and cultivating his talents and interests. Is this something I should be actively trying to do? After all, is there anything wrong with a kid who is just a kid? Or, is “just a kid” something that happens to children whose parents fall short of the ideal? 

Are we really talking about superstar kids, or superstar parents? I wonder what would motivate a parent to hone a child’s skills to such a level of perfection that he is then appearing on TV shows all over the country? Is the parent overcompensating for something? It seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on a young child.

On the other hand, if it isn’t about the parents at all, then the kids are just BORN superstars. Something in their genetic makeup allows them almost superhuman abilities in certain areas, which happen to make interesting TV shows. The parents are just there to watch it unfold.

Looking Ahead

What happens to these fantastic kids when they grow up? Maybe they are those amazing grown ups the rest of us can’t compete with. They are in a category all their own and always have been. Perhaps we should stop comparing ourselves to superstars, just as we should not compare our children to whiz kids. 

It sounds terribly un-ambitious, but what’s wrong with being average? When I was in high school I stressed out about getting all A’s, but my mom would tell me to aim for B’s… “B stands for Balance,” she would say.  When I took my written exam to be a pilot, I scored a 98; my dad joked that I “wasted” 28 points, since I only needed a 70 to pass.  He said I overshot my landing and should’ve spent my time flying, instead of studying. 

I guess both wanted me to know that most often “good enough” really is good enough, and balance is better than stressing about getting everything right.  Maybe the Hothouse kids eventually crack under the pressure of having to be perfect and become sociopathic, taking on dysfunctional roles in society because all they ever really wanted was to be normal, and to be loved for who they are inside. Who knows?

I do know one thing: I have NO idea what the take home message is when I watch shows about whiz kids. It does have entertainment value, but at what cost? I am left feeling like something is terribly amiss. Either my child is lacking talents, or I am lacking as a parent. Either those kids are going to conquer the world (making life far more challenging for “average” kids), or they’ll end up wanting to destroy it. Either their parents are the very best or the very worst thing to ever happen to those kids. WHAT am I supposed to learn from this!? Perhaps if we had a little more background on the kids and how they got to be where they are, we could feel better about the whole thing. 

Most likely though, I’m reading too much into it, and it just doesn’t matter at all. They are who THEY are, and my son is who HE is. Perhaps my son feels superhuman compassion and has an uncanny ability to connect one-on-one with those who need it most. But even if he does, that won’t ever make the headlines. Still, I think it’s worth recognizing. I DO have a super kid; his heart is made of solid Gold.

So, don’t let others erode your confidence or make you think you are doing it all wrong. Love your kids just as they are with all your heart… nothing else matters.

Were YOU a super-gifted kid? What are you going to tell your kids?

(Photo Credit)

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