Is it Love, or Mere Illusion?

May 21, 2009

Many of my boyfriends were imaginary. I don’t mean that other people couldn’t see them; there were actual boys standing in for my make-believe versions. But those flesh-and-blood people were NOT the ones I was having a relationship with. I was in love with my idealized version of who they could be, and a fantasy of who WE might one day be together.

Lately I’ve come to realize that this fictionalizing of the real world is what often leads to affairs and broken hearts. Particularly in these days of texting, instant messaging, twitter, facebook, emails, and other virtual social lives, almost every human relationship has become a bit imaginary. I’m not saying every affair is based on lies and imaginary conditions, but I do know that a good many of them are. The problem is that the illusions eventually fade.

“Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.” (Ben Franklin)

There’s something about that look, that longing gaze between two people that one interprets as, “You are the greatest creature that ever walked the Earth; I adore you and must be with you,” but another simply thinks means, “I’m horny, and you’ll do.” For both people that look represents a passionate, almost desperate need to fuse with another; to become one and no longer feel “separate”… if only for a moment. There is precious little those two would not venture for a moment devoid of lonely suffering, and replete with pleasure, though it may not lead to lasting happiness.

It is not always clear when, or why, that look is given or recognized. It is not always at the most opportune moment or in the most noble of circumstances. But it always represents the desire to connect with another, to be fully SEEN, accepted, and loved (though it may be only an illusion). We are tired of being strangers who pass others in the world, unnoticed. We wish to believe the fantasy that we are special somehow. We project our own fantasies into that look.

Boredom, curiosity and the ever-present seductive undercurrents of society recently conspired to lure a couple I know into a fog of lust and desire. She came to believe she was so clever, so alluring… she fancied herself his Muse! A moment shared with him had the power to excite and thrill her deepest passions in a way her marriage never did. A day of absence from him caused her almost unbearable despair, as she thought of him incessantly. She was lost in her thoughts, and hardly present in her real life.

He seldom thought of her at all, except when he wanted fuel for his fantasies to get him through nights when he was stuck at home with his wife. Their forbidden trysts got to be a bit of a habit for him, after all… she made it so easy. She offered precisely the sort of no-strings-attached entertainment he sought, when he had nothing better to do. But when he couldn’t have her, he would find another, equally desperate and willing. One of them is still married; the other is not.

Why Does This Matter?

“There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.” (Diana, Princess of Wales)

This story is about a specific couple I know… but this same thing is happening every day all over the world. Marriages are ending, families are breaking apart, children are often caught in the middle… and for what!? A fantasy? An imaginary moment of perfection in an otherwise lackluster life? Is it really worth it? Are you in danger of being the next one lured into that intoxicating fog? 

If so, STOP. THINK. Prioritize. Choose Wisely.

Are you in love with an illusion?

Three Helpful Resources:

1.  His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
2.  The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
3.  Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

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(Photo Credit)

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Posted in bad habits, choices, family, love