Adventure: What About the Children?
June 8, 2009
I love great adventures. I think everyone should go on one any chance they get. Extraordinary adventures will give you a whole new view of life, whether things go as planned or not. They serve as a re-evaluation point… a break in regular life so you an take stock and make sure you are living the life you want to be living.
What happens when we have kids? Do we need to put our Spirit of Adventure on hold for 18 years? That’s a bit like a prison sentence. Kids can easily be included in small adventures… road trips, local exploration, visiting museums and the like. But what about the big stuff? What happens to that crazy dream you’ve had since college? Do you have to set it aside?
Earlier this year I met a fellow blogger online who really impressed me because she and her husband decided to go on a grand adventure with a baby in tow. They drove around Europe and stayed at different farms, working in exchange for room and board. You can read all about her adventures at Living The Rural Dream. The take-home lesson for me was that your adventure dreams don’t have to die when parenting begins.
But, how much is too much?
Recently I’ve been reading about a family that is riding a bike from Alaska to Argentina. A mom, dad, and two boys will take about three years to reach their destination, while learning about all the countries along their route. This isn’t their first trip, either. They have done this sort of thing before. You can read their amazing story at Family On Bikes.
My initial reaction was similar to what I felt about the drive around Europe. I thought, “Awesome… they didn’t let parenting stifle their spirit of adventure!” It’s clever, exciting, unique, and admirable. But now I’m starting to wonder if perhaps it should be a little different when we have kids?
I can see how this adventure is great for the parents, and even fun for the kids right now. But, will they be able to go on to have “normal” lives (whatever that means)? Marriage, home, jobs, whatever. Will they ever have peers, or people they can relate to in any way? Will those kids fit in anywhere (as most kids want to at some point)… and does it matter if they do?
I don’t know.
Really.
So I thought I’d ask you. It’s pretty clear that parents can retain some of their adventurous spirit while including their kids. But, is there a point at which pursuing your own dreams actually hurts the children?
I wonder…
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Lisis,
Great post!
I think the answer is yes. My philosophy on raising children is that your job is preparing them for life. I’m sure most adventures would be fine, but a three year bike ride means that they aren’t learning much about the other things you mentioned – steady friends, frequent socialization with peers, and so on. I’m sure in other ways they learned more than their peers, but it seems imbalanced to me.
Roger – A Content Life’s latest post… My First Zen Experience
Interesting question!
It probably depends on the motivation. I can imagine doing stuff as an expression of freedom and to prove that having kids hasn’t changed anything. Well, having kids does change things so that’s trying to prove the impossible.
But I also think it’s possible to do pretty much anything together with the kids. There might be some limits due to physical limitations (climbing Everest? deep sea diving?) but probably not many. Might take more preparation, might need more time to do stuff. But kids are more resilient than we think! Why not do the big trips and the adventures as a family?
Ian | Quantum Learning’s latest post… Life: powerful and fragile
It’s impossible to tell how that trip would affect the children, but I suspect they’ll be fine. They will have been given a broader look at the world they live in and its people, as well as a very strong bond to their own family. Normal does not necessarily mean good. I think it will be easier for them to make friends and identify with people than their untraveled peers.
David Cain’s latest post… And My Destination Is…
I definitely agree that kids are super resilient, and the family bonding time is great… the exposure to the world and other ways of life is good too. And I’m clearly not a traditionalist, since I’m doing the whole Zen Homeschool thing.
But I’m still not convinced about the extreme, full time adventure lifestyle. For instance, we used to move to a different country every couple of years when I was little. As a result, I feel I can interact with people anywhere but it’s very hard for me to form deep, lasting relationships (compared to my friends who have known their friends their whole lives). We were always on the go, which tends to keep things kind of superficial. So, I could identify with people and make acquaintances everywhere, but not so many friends.
Still… does that really matter? I dunno.
I suspect, Lisis, that if you had lived in the same place your entire life in today’s world, the difference would be that you would find it very hard to form deep, lasting relationships, because the world today encourages people to always be on the go…. Oh, hang on, that would be the same, wouldn’t it? Never mind.
I’m kidding, of course, but the point remains. The challenge you describe is quite common, and I’ll bet that at least some of the friends you see as having deep, lasting relationships may not see themselves that way. Plus: I grew up in a small town of 8,000 people, never moved anywhere until I went to college, and I still have that challenge because of the demands of taking care of a special needs child, a mother with Alzheimer’s, a demanding job, etc.–the specifics vary, but it’s a challenge that affects most people, I think. It’s not inevitable that we SUFFER from it, but the release doesn’t come from external circumstances, since they’re not likely to change.
Given that, I would still say that a) it is certainly possible for parents to put their own dreams ahead of the welfare of their children, but b) in this particular case I think the kids are going to be better off than they would be sitting in a Government Warehouse, um, I mean, Government School.
Obviously, this is just my opinion, and as my teenage daughter would be happy to tell you, my opinion is worth less than a politician’s promise.
Hi Lisis,
As someone who has seen first hand the dangers of when one parent does not go after their dream, I am a big believer that a parent owes it to themselves and to their family to go after their dreams. Because if the person doesn’t, it will lead to regret and a whole bunch of other issues. Kids are aware of how their parents feel and if a parent is happy, the kid will be happy whether you are in your home or somewhere in the rainforest in Brazil.
Nadia-HappyLotus’s latest post… Listening to My Intuition
This is me, not really having an opinion one way or the other, but cherishing the rare opportunity to comment on your blog
Jay Schryer’s latest post… Mindful Meditation Monday, Week 4
Since I don’t have kids, I can’t really comment on this, but I think that there has to be a way to strike a balance between following your dreams and living a life that is healthy and productive for your children.
Positively Present’s latest post… trust me: to be happy you need to trust
Jay… you crack me up.
I think the rest of you are getting to the heart of the matter, which seems to be the same answer we’ve uncovered for most of our issues on this blog: find a balance that works for everyone. There’s always a line to walk between doing what we want to do vs. what we need to do, or what WE would like to do vs. what others would like us to do… our rights and our responsibilities.
Certainly there are worse things we could do to our kids than take them on an eco-friendly, self-propelled tour of the world. I think, if given the choice between the traditional path and this extremely non-traditional way of life, I would lean towards the adventurous side… except for the part about the bikes (unless Jeff is towing me on a tandem).
Hey, Roger!!! Yikes! Your comment got tied up for moderation and I just now found it… several hours later!
It does feel a bit imbalanced to me, too… I definitely consider an extreme, and I try to avoid those. I like a little bit of “normal” with a dash of “nutty,” just for good measure.
This is an interesting question.
Lisis, we share a similar nomadic upbringing (that I don’t regret in the least), and I was tempted to go the “sucker’s choice” route and write that one could raise children that were well versed with great abilities to adapt or those that were well grounded with great abilities to provide constancy.
Or to go down the “scarcity” path, I can pursue my brilliant dreams or I can be a brilliant parent.
But I ain’t doing either. If I value equally well versed and well grounded, as well as brilliant pursuits and brilliant children, I’ll make it happen. Period.
It’s all in the approach. Not projected outcomes.
+1 for the A to A bike tour.
Nadia : I’d be curious to learn whether you feel you were most affected by your parent’s decision to not pursue his or her dream or the resentment (if any) that decision caused.
Nelia’s latest post… The Hit Man : What Makes a Woman Approachable
I suppose it depends on what cultural norms and what kind of future you expect to socialize your children for.
Growing up with such an adventure background might make trying to fit in suburban lifestyle a bit difficult, but then so too would a background that involved a family that moved constantly for a job or the military. Even simply traveling every summer can set some children apart from others in terms of experiences and understanding that changes the way they relate to their peers. (I know that was true in my case.)
Any decisions made on the type of lifestyle choice as a young family will have trade offs. The adventure-focused, globe-trotting family may find that the kids later have difficulty with some things that stationary society takes for granted (i.e. steady friends, roots, history and memories in a single place). But then too, the average lifestyle as a child is just as likely to make it difficult for them as an adult to adjust to a more globally nomadic lifestyle. In the end, it’s impossible to say which one the kids will need (or would want) to be prepared for.
Fazia Rizvi’s latest post… Baked Salmon
@Nelia: It’s true, you know… if I could choose to relive my childhood the way we did or a more stationary life, I would still choose the life I had. I love that I’ve been lots of places and seen how similar people everywhere are. Wouldn’t trade it for the world… which is good ’cause my son is having a similar experience! I think we move every two years! I like your focus on the approach, rather than the outcome.
@Fazia: You raise an interesting point… that even among more traditional families, there are still those who go to Aspen every winter and Maui every summer. Or those who go away to summer camp, or boarding school, or who knows? There are so many factors that can create bonds or divisions among kids and their peers.
And if it is impossible to know the outcome… the effect on the children (which I’m sure it is) then the best choice is whatever makes the parents happy. At least then there won’t be the resentment that Nelia was referring to in her question to Nadia.
Hmmm…. very nice… I like where this is heading!
Hi Lisis,
Nelia asked me a question so I hope you don’t mind me answering it here.
Nelia: It was only my mom who did not follow her passion. My dad is the complete opposite.My mom passed away with so much regret. So if anything, I am more like my dad. I am a big believer for going for your dreams and passions. Life is too short. As for any resentment, there is none, I just feel bad for her because she did not need to pass away with regret. Actually, no person should feel regret when their time is up. Hope that answers your question.
Nadia-HappyLotus’s latest post… Listening to My Intuition
Having children is pursuing a dream…it’s a wonderful delight when it is and awful burden when it isn’t.
Kaushik’s latest post… Acceptance – 7th Awakening is Simple book excerpt
You are so right Kaushik… the full spectrum of exquisite joys and unbearable pains.
Nadia, I am so glad you did reply to Nelia. I meant to email you about her comment since our Subscribe To Comments plugin hasn’t worked properly yet. I just fell off the face of the Earth yesterday with a bit of a migraine. So, thank you for checking back in here. You must have “sensed” you were needed because you were “Listening to your intuition.”
Lisis : I’m on the same page. Love my travels. Love my life.
Nadia : I don’t think Lisis minds if we hijack her thread. She seems accustomed to traveling a different path on a whim.
So it seems the “dangers” of which you wrote were limited to witnessing your mother’s regret? And is it fair to write, that if you hadn’t witnessed her regret, the “dangers” would not have existed?
In my mind, it’s not a question of whether or not one chooses to pursue one’s dreams. One can choose to pursue her dreams only to regret not spending more time with family (which as Kaushik posted can be a dream per se). It’s a question of regret. And I think regret is a byproduct of the mindset of sacrifice. And sacrifice the result of the scarcity mentality.
Which brings me back to the question posed in Lisis’s post (see Lisis, I’m not completely a lost cause), it needn’t be either/or if one approaches this question with the mentality of abundance.
Thanks for sharing such a personal insight, Nadia. You’ve provided me an opportunity to think. And I love to think.
And thanks, Lisis, for the post. Great stuff.
Nelia’s latest post… The Hit Man : What Makes a Woman Approachable
Thank YOU, Nelia, for hijacking my thread… I love a good hijacking now and again.
Y’all know eachother… don’t mind me. I pop in and out of here at times just to see how the party is going and if I can get anyone anything. Coffee? SereniTea? Just say the word, I aim to please.
I once met a family who travelled around Australia in a bus (there were 9 of them in total!), home-schooling as they went etc and it seemed to be a wonderful experience for them, but 3 years seems a little too long. Perhaps too unsettling for the children when they get back home?? I don’t know.
I think @positivelypresent has it right “strike a balance between following your dreams and living a life that is healthy and productive for your children.”
Melanie Thomassian’s latest post… 6 Ways to Eat Out Healthy and Cheap
I agree, Melanie… balance is key. A family of NINE in a bus, huh? I don’t think I could handle that, although I’m sure it was quite an adventure for them. I bet they’d have some great stories to share.
My parents took me everywhere, we have pictures of my mom and me camping when I was 5 days old. I went on job sites with my dad, we went on long trips, in short, they pretty much took us along everywhere. It was a great experience.
We have not been that adventurous (part of it is the lack of money) but I know we will be in the future:)
Angie, it sounds like the seeds were planted early in you. It might be time to let your spirit of adventure blossom!
Hi Lisis!
I have internet for a few days so I thought I would play a bit of blog catch up and there I am, mentioned in this very post! Thank you for the link!
As someone who has travelled around for the last year with my young daughter I of course only have good things to say. My daughter interacts well in many situations, finds wonder in the new experiences / scenery she sees every day. In addition, as a family we are building (hopefully) a great bond during this time. HOWEVER, once she reaches school age we hope to be settled somewhere on a more permanent basis because I do also feel that it is important to form long-term bonds. But this really could be up to the age of 10 at my estimation … most of my lasting friendships were made around that time.
From my own experience and from conversations with travelling families across the globe, I really don’t think that this lifestyle is damaging. I think it is a great way to show children the greater world and help them to become more worldy, broad-minded and accepting of many different people/cultures in the long-term – surely a good thing?
I would also like to pose the question of ‘what is normal?’ … normal is so many things to so many people.
The most important thing to me is that my child has a love that is constant and secure to give her the confidence to go on in life and achieve whatever she wants to. And far from living out our own dreams with little regard for our daughter, I think it’s more that we are being true to ourselves by remaining ‘ourselves’ thus giving our daughter a true and real picture of who we are and teaching her what is important to us.
Great and thought-provoking post!!! sorry if I’ve rambled!!!!
Alice
[rq=1917,0,blog][/rq]Caravan Stuckage and the Love of Horses
Hey, Alice! I’m so glad you surfaced, and ecstatic that you had a little time to “ramble”. I definitely think your family adventure is providing countless benefits for your daughter… partly because she’s so young, and partly because you’re still basically mingling with others in the same ways we all do… just in different places.
The thing about the family on a bike that got me wondering, primarily, was the age of the kids; I think they are 8 and 10. That seems to be an age where peer interactions would start to matter more. And, though they are seeing a lot of the world, they are mostly transient… not really settling into any place long enough to take part in the way people are living (society, community, relationships, responsibilities, etc.)
But, again… “what is normal?” And is “normal” such a great thing anyway? I really don’t know. I can’t say that Jeff, Hunter and I have stayed on a “normal” path since we’ve been fairly nomadic. We stay in one place for a year or two, then move on. That may be the worst thing ever for a kid… but we sure are having fun!
You’ve got no worries; I can tell from your blog that your daughter is having a ball!
Take Care, Alice!