Personal Development is a Prisoner’s Dilemma

June 10, 2009

I am starting to think the Self Help / Personal Development industry ought to be done away with, since it is keeping us from truly being happy.

Have you ever heard of the Prisoner’s Dilemma? It is a situation in which two prisoners are kept isolated from each other during interrogations. The strategic reason for this is they are far more likely to confess, or turn on each other, than they would be if they were together.

Keeping prisoners isolated messes with their mind. Guilt, paranoia, fear, conscience, and whatever the cop is saying, make the prisoner panic. It gives the cops an unfair advantage. If the prisoners were together, each would know the other hasn’t cracked or pinned anything on him. If they could stick together, they might be set free.

My personal feeling is that the “Self Help” industry works the same way. By focusing on messages like, “You need to love yourself before you can love others” or, “YOU are the root of all your troubles,” they have put each of us in an isolated silo of misery… a prisoner’s dilemma.

When we panic that there is something wrong with us, we rush out to buy the books and DVDs so we can “fix” ourselves and, maybe one day, rejoin society in a normal way. But when we do that, we get trapped in our own heads, and are subjected to our own defeatist thoughts. Of all the places we can be trapped, our own head is by far the most dreadful. It makes us feel less “normal” and more aware of all our faults… so we keep buying books and DVDs.

The trouble with Self Help and Personal Development is that it keeps all our energy focused on our individual selves. We analyze and over-analyze all sorts of trivial things. We start to believe we are more screwed up than anyone else, and don’t deserve to be “out there” with the others.

What would happen if we didn’t buy into this anymore?

The irony is, as soon as you go out there, reach out to others, be willing to help, care and be vulnerable, you will see that everyone else is just like you. These “flaws” you’ve been trying to fix aren’t flaws at all. There is nothing WRONG with you… you are exactly as you are meant to be. Perfect… imperfect… who cares? We are all in the same boat.

Sure, you have some challenges and burdens, but so does everyone else. You may even realize yours aren’t that bad; you should be helping those with greater challenges. It will make you feel better about yourself.

Or maybe your current challenges ARE the worst ever, in which case, you should be reaching out to others who might help you carry your burden. Isolating yourself will only make things worse, and keep you thinking your challenges are insurmountable.

If we stop the obsessive focus on our own problems and inadequacies, and turn that energy outward to help others, we will feel better AND they will feel better. Everyone wins… except the people making millions on Self Help books and DVDs.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” (Gandhi)

Here’s where the Prisoner’s Dilemma Paranoia kicks in. “What if I’m giving help, but everyone else is just taking, and not giving back?”

You will still feel better about yourself for doing something meaningful and positive.

You will still have a healthier perspective about your problems, than you did before.

You will still feel less isolated and “broken” as you reach out to others.

You will still win, and the selfish one remains a self-centered prisoner.

YOU are free!

All I’m suggesting is maybe we could change the focus from, “How can I GET more?” to “How can I GIVE more?” (and I don’t mean money). Instead of, “How can I make MY life better?” we can think, “How can I make someone else’s life better?” And keep in mind that little things make a big difference.

Let’s take the SELF out of Self Help, and change PERSONAL Development to COMPASSION Development. You can still sell books and DVDs for these new topics, if you want to, but at least more of us will actually be able to find happiness as a result.

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Gracias!!!

(Photo Credit: First, Second)

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Posted in choices, compassion, happiness, helping others, inner peace, love, Overcoming Challenges