Do You Believe in True Love?
June 11, 2009
This was the question a reader recently asked me in the comments section of my guest post at Urban Monk. Do I believe in “true love”? The short answer is, “Yes!”
But wait, there’s more…
I left a brief reply to her comment, then thought I should elaborate here… that way I can bore YOU to tears with my sappy love story about how I met my husband.
I grew up reading romance novels, among other things. Many of my girlish notions of what love would be like were shaped by those books, primarily Jane Austen’s descriptions. Let me tell you, if I had a day to spend with Jane Austen, I’d give her a piece of my mind. Because of her, I wasted so many of my youthful years on “diamonds in the rough” that were really nothing but useless lumps of coal all along.
Everyone recognized that, except for me, because I was busy believing that they were just misunderstood, in this world but not of this world, too intellectual or passionate to be appreciated by the simple masses. Jane Austen made me think that, if I could be interesting enough, or love with sufficient ardor, these rogue gentlemen would come around, sweep me off my feet, and live happily ever after with me.
THAT Love… the Romantic, fantasy-based, idealized, fairy tale kind of love that used to be my one and only goal in life… THAT one, I don’t believe in. Not anymore. I know now it was never real. Jane Austen invented those men to be her companions in her otherwise eternal solitude. That myth is perpetuated to this day to encourage sales of flowers, chocolates, jewelry, wedding dresses… you name it. It’s a dangerous myth.
But there is another Love… the more elusive and rare, True Love.
The Sappy Love Story
Jeff and I met under somewhat unusual circumstances. He was recently divorced, and had a two year old daughter. I had just lost my mother, and my dad was still in the hospital recovering from the plane crash. So, between hospital visits, diaper changes, Barney, and a river of tears, we were both open, honest, and vulnerable. Neither of us had the energy or desire to play the usual dating games.
You know those games… where you both try to be perfect so as to not blow the deal. Every date is like a job interview, you plan for, stress out during, and analyze after. Assuming you survive the first three dates, this song and dance goes on for months, maybe years; then there’s a wedding. Suddenly reality kicks in and all the rough edges start to show.
You can’t pretend to be perfect forever, so at some point you both start being real… and you have to get to know each other all over again. Sometimes, you still like each other. Other times you end up with buyer’s remorse, and you want out.
We skipped all that. From day one we were as real as real gets, and trying to be strong for his daughter, and my dad. We leaned on each other. Six weeks after our first date (a blind date) we got engaged. I didn’t want an engagement ring. I didn’t see the point of spending thousands of dollars on a thing that has nothing at all to do with our feelings for each other. We got simple wedding bands for the ceremony; I think mine was $70.
We didn’t want a fantasy wedding either. Ten thousand dollars (maybe more) for a one-day party? Not a chance. Our friends organized an engagement party for us in their backyard… it was lovely. My brother paid for our honeymoon in Jamaica. As it turned out, we could get married at the resort for $700, including cake, champagne, and pictures. So we did. The only guests at our wedding were a couple we met at the pool that day. We got married four months after we met, against everyone’s advice… that was ten years ago.
Here’s the thing about True Love: it’s not always all pretty and frilly and packaged in the perfect words. It isn’t scripted, rehearsed and delivered with emotive perfection. It is not dependent on ANY of the things money can buy, or anyone else’s opinion. True Love is very real, and very attainable. But it is only possible between two REAL people. No games, no pretending, no faking, no hiding. When YOU are ready to show up and be yourself, you will find another who is also ready… because True Love, well… you know:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
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