Dear Blog: It’s Not You, It’s Me

June 23, 2009

Dear Blog,

This is a picture of me at Ben & Jerry’s in Chattanooga this past weekend. It’s also a picture of me NOT thinking about you. For three days I was away from you completely… no internet at all. I had no access to email, Twitter, Facebook, or anything else online. And you know what? It felt pretty good.

At first I was ashamed of that fact, but then I read Jay’s post, Lazy Summer Days, and realized I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about being out, enjoying a good time away from you. I had a great life before you came along, believe it or not.

Maybe it’s time we had the dreaded DTR talk… you know, Define the Relationship. Look, Blog, what you and I have is kind of a love/hate thing. I truly and deeply love what you do for me, and others, in your comforting and caring moments. I really do. I’ve never experienced anything as intimate and passionate and beautiful before. I have grown completely addicted to those moments… I live for them.

But there’s another side of you that I don’t quite know what to do with. You are needy, and selfish. You get jealous of the time I spend with anyone else, or even alone. You want me all to yourself.

I can see what you’re doing. One day you tell me your server needs fixing. The next day you claim your email delivery system needs to be adjusted. Then you act like you can’t publish anything on your own, and need me to stay up all night with you to make sure the process runs smoothly.

What IS it with you? Why can’t you be a little more… independent? Why do you need me to do every little thing for you?

You really need to get a life of your own!

OK… don’t cry… that’s not helping.

I’m not saying I want to leave you, and I’m definitely not saying I’ve stopped loving you. I just would like to see more of the strong, independent, confident you; and less of the needy, co-dependent, possessive you. I need you to understand that I have a life I love. I don’t want to miss out on it, and I don’t want to feel guilty about it. I have to be true to myself and the things that I value. I shouldn’t have to choose between you and my life.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s not you; it’s me.

I need my “me time” and I’d like to know that you aren’t going to fall apart while I’m doing other things. Maybe I just need to work on not feeling guilty when I’m away from you. I should just take the time I need, and enjoy myself, not worrying about what it will do to you. After all, if we are meant to be together, you’ll still be there for me when I get back.

So, if one day you come to our daily meeting place and find only a photograph with a little note from me, please don’t be upset or feel short-changed. Instead, know that it means I am thinking about you; I still love you and want to share things with you, but I may not have time for our usual, long conversations that day.

Please be patient with me as I figure out how to make this relationship work within the context of my life before I met you. I am certain we are meant for each other… just bear with me while I struggle to find my way.

Love Always,

Lisis

PS: I’m sorry I said I wasn’t thinking about you this weekend. I didn’t mean that. You really are always on my mind, and I am so fortunate to have found you.

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Posted in acceptance, balance, choices, guilt, helping others, love