Letters From Readers: Healing Toxic Family Relationships
July 15, 2009
Recently I received this letter from a reader:
I moved away from home when I was in my late teens. I don’t visit much now–at most maybe once a year, sometimes every other year–but I know I will fall apart when my parents die.
My mom and I fight and don’t get along (I don’t know what to do about it… I’ve tried everything), but my dad and I are very close. It makes visiting home nearly impossible as my mom is always upset at me, and my dad gets upset with my mom for her crazy ways.
About five years ago, a friend of my parents’ told me that my mom and dad fought like dogs over how to raise me. I was a bit of a handful when I was a teenager, and I think I drove a wedge between the two of them back then. Ugh… I hate to think about that.
I can imagine what you’re thinking: that you wished very badly that you still had your parents; what the heck am I complaining about (are you rolling your eyes?)? But what does one do when one parent, basically, doesn’t like me (I truly believe this) and we can’t communicate, and the other makes up for her deficiencies?
Do you happen to know of any good books that address healing the relationships of children and parents, or moms and daughters, specifically? I’d really love to work on this aspect of my life. I’m not proud of it, and it causes me a lot of sadness. Thanks for your help.
*
This was my reply to her:
Here’s the deal with any toxic relationship… You have two choices: avoid the person completely (to avoid poisoning your life), OR accept and love them as they are. The one choice you don’t have is changing the other person… in this case, your mom.
It is quite possible that back in the day, maybe when they first added children to their family, resentments between your parents started building. It is not easy adding babies to a romantic relationship. There’s a lot at stake and tensions run high. Where do those tensions go?
Sometimes couples take them out on each other, which often ends in divorce. Sometimes one or the other, or both, take them out on the kids. But when one parent takes it out on the children through abuse or neglect, and the other is protective of the kids, things can get really difficult. The closer the protective parent gets, the more alienated and resentful the other one becomes.
What’s my point?
The issues your mom has had about you and your family most likely run deep, and have little or nothing to do with you personally. You just happened to be a “convenient” place to dump those feelings. I know too many people who do this same thing with step-kids because they are so frustrated with the ex-spouse, and there is nowhere else for those feelings to go. The couples fight, and the kids get yelled at, even though they don’t have anything to do with it.
A friend of mine recently divorced, in part because her husband felt that he had lost his wife the day they had their first child. He never fully bonded with the children because he saw them as an intrusion on his life. But, as I’m sure you’ll agree, this is not the kids’ fault in any way, and the way he handled things is his own doing.
I say this because, if you can come to a point of feeling that the resentments in the past weren’t really ABOUT you, then you can start a new relationship with your mom, from this day forward.
In this relationship, you are a loving, patient, forgiving, understanding grown up. You feel for your mother because she is in a bad situation that she created (and most likely regrets), but you don’t take it personally when she says mean things. You respond only with love. Not the sarcastic kind, that says, “It’s OK mom, I forgive you for being so mean,” but the non-judgmental love that says nothing instead.
Acceptance.
She is how she is.
When my dad was manic, he said awful, horrible, often obscene and malicious things to us. At first we took them personally, but later we just felt sorry for him and looked forward to the good moments sure to come. When they did, we soaked them up and reveled in them, knowing they probably wouldn’t last. But we stopped adding fuel to the toxic fire.
Does this make any sense? My point is that you get to choose what you want out of any relationship, so long as you understand that the other person most likely never will change. Take the good, leave the bad.
*
Ordinarily comments are closed Tuesdays through Thursdays, but today I’d like to make an exception. I know I have lots of readers who are caring and compassionate, and who may have just the right words to help this young lady heal. If you are one of them, perhaps you could take a moment to share your thoughts on this subject. You never know what pearl of wisdom will make all the difference in someone else’s life.
Thanks!!!
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Posted in acceptance, choices, family, guilt, helping others, inner peace, Letters From Readers, love, Overcoming Challenges
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Dear Friend,
I feel it’s important that you understand that you matter, your life matters. You are a unique and amazing individual. We all are. In our own ways – each of us is special and uniquely our own self.
It’s hard to fully understand another individual. Sure, we can maybe partially or even mostly understand. But we can’t really get inside their head and their heart and fully understand the road their life journey has taken them on.
As Lisis has said, we can accept them. Accept your mom for who she is. The good and the bad. And really do this out of the deep love you have for her. Which I think relates very much to compassion.
Maybe these moments with you mean the world to her, and she feels like she’s losing you – like you’re slipping away out of her life – and dealing with that can be hard. And maybe this is her way of trying to deal with it. Or maybe there are problems at home you’re not aware of. Or at work. Or any other of a myriad of problems that could be going on.
So, all you can do is show compassion, and do that all from the deep love you have for your mom.
Love. Caring. Compassion.
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Painting The Masterpiece of Our Life =-.
Thank you, Lance… for getting our “group therapy” session started today. Our Dear Friend would like to remain anonymous, but will email me her replies later today for me to pass on to the group.
I hope we’ll have lots of kind souls sharing their love, caring and compassion with this reader today. It made a huge difference the last time we did a letter from a reader… so I’m very much looking forward to this.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
HI friend,
Firstly, Let me tell you how sorry i am you have to go through the hell you’re going through because of as Lisis says TOXIC relationship.
One thing that you need to ask yourself-
“Do i really want to heal the relationship with my parents?”
The reason you need to truly and honestly answer yourself is because there is a chance -
{1}the answer might surprise you.
{2}the answer itself will show you a way
{3}the answer might just make you truly reach within yourself and find that link which might lead to healing of yourself and your relationship.
The other thing is that you must remind yourself is that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
The instance you are truly able to answer the above question and realise its not your fault, you will start the healing process…and here i talk of healing “yourself” first. Cause only if you can heal yourself can you try and heal the relationship.
Also you might be having the same problem with almost all your other relationships.You might be unwilling to accept ..and ready to blame yourself for almost all your failed relationships. Am i right?This is the reason you need to resolve this within yourself first.
As soon as you are feeling upto it…and are TRULY READY &have gathered the strength emotionally you WILL be able to face your mother and very naturally be able to renew your relationship with her. The one key to a truly complete relationship is honesty. The day you can be first ‘honest with yourself’ and then with your mother….you will have succeeded.
Do remember she is after all your mother. She has brought you into this world and has felt the pain and joy of your birth…she will understand you…you just need to be strong yourself first.
Do let me know how it works out for you. You can contact me through My Blog or email me directly.zeenatsyal@live.com
I will pray that God gives you the strength and courage to face this.
With lots of Love,
Zeenat.
.-= Zeenat{Positive Provocations for mind body and soul}´s last blog ..See The Positives In All Situations =-.
This says it all:
I don’t think I have anything to add beyond what you already said in your response, Lisis. That’s my advice, listen to Lisis.
.-= David Cain´s last blog ..100 Years Hence =-.
Great advice, David! I’ve been trying to convince everyone I know that’s the way to go… they just don’t listen.
Zeenat: Thanks for your very thoughtful response, and for the link so our Dear Friend can reach you to. One can never have too many resources for emotional support.
Dear Friend,
I know your pain very well. My mother suffered from depression her entire life and she took out a lot of her frustration on me. I thought this was normal parental behavior until I got older.
My father had no idea how bad my mom was when he was not around until after she died which was about four years ago. My mother and I never fully talked about what happened but before she died, she explained herself to me and told me how she wanted to live through me and was frustrated that I wasn’t doing what she would have wanted to do. That one sentence made a huge difference and made me see that she was hurting.
Mothers love their children, they really do, but they are human beings too. Sometimes they take out their frustrations on the people that they feel can handle it. Maybe your mother has no one to talk to or vent to and you are the safest resource. Sounds crazy but some people seriously do think like that.
Just know that what your mother does has nothing to do with you and more with her. I know it does not ease the pain but it explains the behavior. People do things for reasons and they usually act out of what they feel is right. If you can try to look at your mom more objectively and see how she sees things, it may help.
I could write so much more on this subject because of my own personal experience but this comment would be HUGE. Feel free to contact me, Lisis has my email address.
Wishing you all the best!
.-= Nadia-HappyLotus´s last blog ..Dear God…It’s Me Again =-.
Hello friend,
It’s always hard dealing with individuals you may not easily get along with and it’s even more painful when that individual happens to be a family member. I think in most if not all cases, it has nothing to do with you personally. Like others have mentioned in their comments, your mother probably has something going on in her own world that’s causing her to react to you the way she does. As Lisis mentioned, you definitely can’t change her. She IS the way she is, and she’s the only one that can make the change. As that saying goes, “You can’t change a person, but what you CAN change is the way YOU react to the person…” or something like that..=).
Acceptance is tough though. I’ve been in situation where I’ve tried to accept a person, but I’m not gonna lie that the negative energy does get to you. So my next question is this. Have you openly discussed how you’ve been feeling with your mother? If not, it might help to open up the space for healing, by sitting down and talking to her about it. That way you’re not drawing your own conclusions in your head as to why she may be acting the way she is; there’s a story behind everything. And after knowing the story behind it, you might find it easier to accept her as she is.
Rhythm Rob
.-= Rhythm Rob´s last blog ..Where Have All the Good Samaritans Gone? =-.
I’d like to thank those of you who have commented so far… and encourage others to do the same. Here is our Dear Friend’s response to the comments above:
Hi Lisis,
Your post was nicely done today; and huge thanks for maintaining my anonymity. I can feel how deep a wound this is that I don’t even want to show my face.
When I was re-reading your response and the comments from your readers, tears started streaking down my face. Who the heck are these people? They have ever met me and don’t even know who I am. I am blown over by the compassion shown by them. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lisis, for giving me this opportunity today. It really means a lot to me.
I can understand what you and all your readers are saying to me. And I’ve pulled out some pearls of wisdom (of which you spoke) that really hit home for me and altered my thinking. I think your readers’ advice will change my life and how I approach my relationship with my mom. The responses were just great, I thank all who commented from the bottom of my heart. It really means a lot to me.
From Lance: “…she feels like she’s losing you – like you’re slipping away out of her life – and dealing with that can be hard.” [I hadn't thought of this, I was hoping that when I left home it would be her chance to start living how she wanted and would be glad I was gone. Maybe I was wrong...]
From Zeenat: “You might be unwilling to accept ..and ready to blame yourself for almost all your failed relationships. Am i right?” [This one really shocked me, you are right. I am very hard on myself and blame myself when my relationships go wrong. And, I do have an issue with acceptance. too. Huge issues with that. Thank you for your email, too, Zeenat. You'll be hearing from me.]
From David: “That’s my advice, listen to Lisis.” [This advice is what has been keeping me going! Agreed!]
From Nadia: “Sometimes they take out their frustrations on the people that they feel can handle it. Maybe your mother has no one to talk to or vent to and you are the safest resource.” [I had never thought of this...I've always been the 'strong' one in our family.]
From Rhythm Bob: “…your mother probably has something going on in her own world that’s causing her to react to you the way she does.” [I need to keep reminding myself of this, as I am sure you are very right.]
Thank you again, Lisis. Now I feel I have a better-stocked emotional tool box with other options than feeling boxed in by guilt and depression over this toxic relationship.
Love,
“Dear Friend”
Dear friend,
Toxic relationships are tough, there’s no doubt about that. No matter which path you choose (cut them out completely or accept them as they are), it takes a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice on your part. It’s grossly unfair to you either way, because you’ll feel like you’re the one making all the sacrifices, doing all the work, and your mother just gets to continue along her merry way. It’s incredibly frustrating and confusing either way.
I wish I had more advice to give, but the comments before me all did a pretty good job of saying what I would say, so I’ll leave you with those. But just know that you’re not alone. We’ve all been there before, and we probably all will be there again. Take comfort in knowing that you are loved, and accepted.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..True Confession =-.
I am in the situation of your father. My daughter has a father who is making it hard for her with his crazy ways. What has been important to her is that I acknowledged that his ways are crazy and that she is allowed to feel how his ways hurt her. That has helped her hugely, acceptance of what is so and acknowledgment that his ways ARE crazy. The difficulty is that as this is the only father she has, for a long time she had no idea about what ‘normality’ was and she and I struggled to make sense of what was going on. Now she and I both know how he behaves is NOT normal and with that knowledge she can bring up compassion as you would for a sick child who is behaving badly because it feels miserable.
She is now no longer looking at him as from a child perspective, but has forgiven him and his imcompetencies. That allowed her to move on and she has learned to accept what is on offer, which is not as much as she would have liked.
She knows she will never be able to have a relationship she sees others have with their father, she knows that is not going to happen, like a mother never can change a child with a disability.
It has been hard to accept this reality but once she had, it made things a lot clearer and a lot easier. That we both have grieved for that has helped her and me as well.
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Is this the reason we like firewalking and abseiling so much? =-.
Jay and Wilma, thank you so much for your comments. I will pass on our friend’s responses when I get them. I’m interested to know how she’ll feel about your comment, Wilma, since it’s from a very unique perspective. Might shed some new light on this old, painful issue.
I sure do appreciate you guys helping out!
My mother is a definitive Borderline Personality Disorder. At the same time, of course I love her.
Most of us have images of what “acceptance” is. If we accept, that means we can’t get angry or do things that are “mean”.
What I’ve realized is that the more I accept my mother for what she is, the most I am engaging in appropriate distancing – including not talking to her. She may not feel loved, but by loving myself and taking care of myself first, I exponentially increase my loving thoughts of her.
That’s a great point, Matthew… your final statement. I’m certain that will help our friend.
As for Jay and Wilma, here are her responses:
From Jay: ” It’s grossly unfair to you either way, because you’ll feel like you’re the one making all the sacrifices, doing all the work, and your mother just gets to continue along her merry way. It’s incredibly frustrating and confusing either way.”
[Thank you, Jay, for acknowledging this. I appreciate it. This has been one of the issues nagging at me. It makes this issue very confusing because maybe it is only me that feels the pain of our relationship. I appreciate your comment and thank you! Thank you for taking the time to send me your thoughts, making me feel valued, and your good wishes.]
From Wilma: ” I acknowledged that his ways are crazy and that she is allowed to feel how his ways hurt her. That has helped her hugely, acceptance of what is so and acknowledgment that his ways ARE crazy.”
[Unfortunately, my dad just shrugs his shoulders and hasn't gone as far as you to acknowledge my mother and my diseased relationship. Your daughter is a lucky woman to have you as her mother.]
“…She is now no longer looking at him as from a child perspective, but has forgiven him and his incompetencies.”
[This is a wonderful statement. We're both adults now and I have the choice to forgive her as an adult, not her child.]
“…She knows she will never be able to have a relationship she sees others have with their father, she knows that is not going to happen, like a mother never can change a child with a disability.”
[Again, I am an adult now. I need to move beyond the parent-child relationship and see her as an adult. I see how my mother interacts with her friends and even strangers, and I need to stop feeling left out that she can't see me in the same light. Your words have been very helpful, Wilma, and I thank you for taking the time to explain your experience and knowledge.]
Here’s her response for Matthew:
From Matthew: “Most of us have images of what “acceptance†is. If we accept, that means we can’t get angry or do things that are “meanâ€.”
[I see the topic of acceptance as a common thread and I think this may be at the heart of the matter. Once I've accepted the situation, it is up to me to decide how to behave. I've tried avoidance, but it puts an unacceptable distance between me and my father. I think I may need to take some time ensure I've fully accepted the situation--then decide how to proceed. Thanks, Matthew, for taking the time to share your experience. I really appreciate it!]
[...] fact, this week, when I posted a letter from a reader who needed some comfort and words of wisdom, Lance was the first to jump in there and lend his [...]
Lisis, there is no point in becoming a recluse. Parents are parents in any way. They must be facing their own problems while bringing you up, and you became the victim of their frustration. Forgive your father, instead Love him. He will reciprocate love.
Hi, Anamika! Thank you for your beautiful response. I will be sure to pass it on to my friend.
I wish I had more advice to give, but the comments before me all did a pretty good job of saying what I would say, so I’ll leave you with those. But just know that you’re not alone. We’ve all been there before, and we probably all will be there again. thanks…
.-= holistic healing´s last blog ..Various types of wines =-.
I think you gave a very insightful response to your reader. When it comes to relationship between parents and children, children often blame themselves. This is completely wrong because a child couldn’t really understand what’s going on.
You have done a really good job explaining it.
Win Ex Back´s last [type] ..What Can I do to Get My Ex Girlfriend Back