The Danger of Jumping to Conclusions

July 16, 2009

Jeff and I have been married for almost ten years, and I guess you could say we’re “happily married”. I really don’t have any point of comparison because Jeff is my first husband. But I don’t even remotely want a divorce and, as far as I know, neither does he… so, for the time being, I’d say ours counts as a happy marriage.

But there was a time, in our first few years, when I nearly divorced him… because of a coloring book incident. Yup, a coloring book.

Hunter and I went to San Diego to visit Ali for a week. Jeff stayed in Georgia because he had to work. One night I called his cell phone, expecting to find him home and ready for bed, when I heard a woman’s voice in the background. “Who’s that?” I asked, as casually as I could manage.

“Oh, that’s Alyssa… you know, from work; I am at her house.”

Well… THERE was something I did not expect to hear. “Oh yeah?” I said, pretending my heart wasn’t racing.

“I was out with Joe, and he recently started dating her. So we stopped by here.”

“OH, OK… your FRIEND is dating her.” I was a little relieved to hear this, but not entirely because, a few years before meeting Jeff, I had been through something similar. Only that guy, Prince Charming, was actually sleeping with a bunch of women who he SAID were dating his friends. Or, maybe they were dating his friends, but that didn’t stop him from sleeping with them anyway. I never knew it, though. I trusted him blindly, like an idiot, and found out about it only AFTER the relationship ended.

“But,” I kept telling myself, “that was Prince Charming; he was a liar, a sociopath, a cruel and heartless jerk! Surely Jeff is different… he’s a nice guy.” I was rationalizing… or was I being naive again? This debate continued in my head during the entire San Diego trip and even after I got home, but I didn’t let Jeff know. After all, he hadn’t done anything wrong… that I could prove.

Then one day I was cleaning Hunter’s closet and found his Thomas the Tank Engine coloring book. I flipped through it, trying to decide if I should keep it or trash it, and found this note scribbled in pretty hand-writing:

“Hunter, thanks for letting me color in your book! Love, Alyssa“

My heart sank.

Oh… no… she… di’n't. This was straight out of “Fatal Attraction,” not only coming over to seduce my husband while I’m away, but leaving a note for ME to find among my son’s treasured belongings?! “How sick is SHE?” I remember thinking, “Whatever happened to trying not to be found out when you are screwing someone’s husband in their own house?” Obviously, she was trying to make a point: she was not going to be ignored.

The Confrontation

“What the (any expletive will do) is THIS?!” I demanded, showing him the note.

“I don’t know,” he said rather simply, all things considered.

“Really?! So, it’s just some weird coincidence that your friend’s girlfriend, your co-worker, was coloring in Hunter’s book here while Hunter and I were in San Diego?”

Still in an innocent, yet confused, tone he replied, “She’s never been here; I don’t know how that happened.”

This was Jeff’s response, and it was fairly convincing. But still, the evidence was in my hands! We went back and forth on the issue for WAY too long, with me refusing to believe his feeble excuses (determined not to fall for it again), and Jeff totally confused about how and, more importantly, WHY she got into our house and colored in Hunter’s book.

Tensions were running high, and time was running out. Jeff was trying to find a reasonable explanation for something that seemed completely UNreasonable. I was trying to muster the courage to pack my stuff and leave for good, with Hunter in tow.

“Wait!” Jeff broke the angst-ridden silence. “Wasn’t there a girl named Alyssa at your uncle’s house in New York, when we visited last month?”

“WHAT?!” I thought he was really stretching things to find an excuse. But he was serious when he said, “In New York… your niece was playing with another little girl and I think they were coloring!”

Just to humor him, since he was so adamant (and I really wanted a valid reason NOT to leave) I called my sister and asked her the name of the girl my niece had played with. When she responded, “Alyssa,” I heard a choir of angels sing, and all the tension was instantly lifted. “Hallelujah,” I thought, “he was telling the truth!”

Needless to say, I felt like an idiot. But more importantly, I couldn’t believe that my marriage almost ended over a misunderstanding about a coloring book! Granted, there was some left-over paranoia about being cheated on, but still… the whole incident happened because I jumped to conclusions.

We’ve never had another big fight since then, and I’ve never considered packing my bags since that night. I don’t jump to conclusions anymore. I don’t worry about being vulnerable anymore. I don’t expect the worst from him… I trust him.

As I was remembering this story the other day, I got to thinking… I wonder how many good relationships have ended over misunderstandings, jumping to conclusions, failed communications, and strange coincidences? Or how many long and drawn out arguments between couples or families are based entirely on false assumptions, when maybe there isn’t any REAL issue to argue about?

In our desperate desire to be right and to never get hurt again, I wonder how many of us make these stupid and careless mistakes that can cost us what we value most?

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Posted in bad habits, choices, family, love