NLP Book Review: Conversations with Richard Bandler
July 28, 2009
As most of you know, I am not a psychologist… so when I first heard about Neuro-Linguistic Programming I had no idea what to make of it. I did the only reasonable thing I could think of: I Googled it.
I started reading different sides of the story: some people believe NLP is the best thing ever to happen to psychotherapy, others don’t believe it belongs in the world of psychology at all. With opinions all over the spectrum, I didn’t know where to turn for objective information.
Here’s what I found on Wikipedia:
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as “a model of interpersonal communication chiefly concerned with the relationship between successful patterns of behaviour and the subjective experiences (esp. patterns of thought) underlying them” and “a system of alternative therapy based on this which seeks to educate people in self-awareness and effective communication, and to change their patterns of mental and emotional behaviour”.
I thought the concept sounded intriguing, and an awful lot like my idea of Personal Propaganda… we tend to believe what we tell ourselves, so let’s change what we tell ourselves into something helpful and productive, rather than defeatist and self-sabotaging. I get that. I like it. Seems simple enough.
But Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a huge movement, created in the 70’s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder as a more effective and efficient form of psychotherapy. That’s a BIG deal. I wanted to know more about it. So I turned to a book called Conversations with Richard Bandler
The book did not exactly meet my expectations, and didn’t really add to my understanding of the subject. Perhaps it was intended for someone who knows the basics already? Or maybe it is more appropriate for other NLP practitioners? But for my level of inexperience, the book didn’t quite sell me on the NLP concept. It felt more like an infomercial to establish Richard Bandler’s authority on the subject, rather than an explanation of NLP for the rest of us.
Honestly, I didn’t love it. The book was not my cup of tea. However, as with any other book I’ve ever read, I made it a point to find the lessons that add value to my life. For instance, there was one part that said, “They forget that life is not about remembering and reliving unpleasantness from their past, but about going forward to look at life as the adventure it can be.” I completely agree with this assessment of how life should be.
In another section he writes, “The evil monsters that exist in this world come in the form of sadness, fear, anger, hate, and despair. When you can face them all and know you will succeed, you are free.” I happen to believe that the first step to finding lasting happiness and inner peace is to learn how to deal with and overcome negative emotions. Once we can handle those in a healthy fashion, they lose their power over us, and we can spend more time and energy cultivating positive emotions. I don’t know that this requires NLP, but it is definitely one of the keys to happiness.
One of my favorite passages in the book is about the source of joy:
The source of human joy lies within you. It always has, and it always will. It lies within the way you use your brain and the way you control the way you think. It lies within the way you create powerful positive changes in yourself and others. It lies within your ability to control the way you feel about yourself, your life, and your problems. It lies within your ability to connect with and be loving to other people. It lies within your ability to become spiritually enlightened and loving towards the universe and all the diversity that exists in it…
…Live free. Learn the lessons of life. Connect with as many people as you can. Experience the true highs and deal with the true lows of life. Let yourself roam free in a world full of love. At some point in the past, you were put on this earth. At some point in the future, you will die. While you are here, make it count. Live. Really live.
That pretty much sums up my whole philosophy and my approach to life. I agree with the overall message of NLP, that we should let go of the past and choose to be happy; but I can’t buy into the method… yet.
Ordinarily I close comments on Tuesdays, but I’m leaving them open today because I’m hoping some of you can share your knowledge of NLP, or understanding of this book, with me. Please, enlighten me.
If you have NLP experience, as a practitioner or a patient, I’d love to hear about it.
Thanks!!!
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Hey!
This sounds interesting, I came across the concept of NLP about 2 years ago when I read this book about dating, and some guy came up with this concept of using NLP to get women to like you. Very sneaky and I must say almost unethical, even though with NLP you are able to make people feel very good about themselves or about you.
The mind is a powerful thing!
Thanks for sharing!
Keep well and until next time!
Diggy – Upgradereality.com´s last blog ..How to get more dates
Stumbled your post
Thanks, Diggy! You know, I never would’ve thought of using NLP to get others to like me… or, for that matter as a manipulation tool. I guess people in Marketing are probably well versed in NLP as a means of influencing consumers.
Hmm… interesting angle you just added to the mix. I would imagine others have applied it to parenting and marriages, too. We need to get Tim Brownson to educate us on the actual benefits of NLP, used as intended.
Hi Lisis,
I know the book does have its dry spells. But hey, you always manage to get the best out for us isnt it..
Heres what i like the best from your excerpt : While you are here, make it count. Live. Really live.
Just that line says so much. The emphasis on really living make us so aware.
Thanks for sharing the best parts of the book.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Wants vs. Needs
Hi, Zeenat! That was one of my favorite lines… that whole last passage is like my battle cry. We absolutely need to make the most of our time here.
I just noticed your blog post title (Wants vs. Needs). You may want to check out David’s last post, at Raptitude, if you haven’t already. He discusses that same subject.
Thanks for your comment!
Hi Lisis,
A lot of what Tony Robbins presents comes from NLP, or ideas that evolved (were developed) from it.
I find it helpful in understanding how psychology works, but disagree with some of the ideas that come packaged with it. And I certainly don’t appreciate the way some people try to use it as a shortcut for manipulating people.
Thank you for the book review!
Haider
Haider´s last blog ..Goodbye, Day Job!
Hi Haider… I suppose that makes sense, too… that motivational speakers would use or apply NLP principles to “re-program” the audience’s way of thinking. If it is, indeed, as powerful as it is touted to be, it seems almost inevitable that NLP would be used as a means of manipulation. It would take a highly ethical and compassionate person NOT to take advantage of the sense of “power” over another.
Hey, I just checked out your blog post and realized that you are embarking on a similar journey as we are… leaving your job with no real Plan B. Neat to know someone else who is taking this giant leap of faith right now. Best of luck with your transition!
Hey,
I am an NLP Coach and NLP Practitioner. I can see why people would become wary of being manipulated but it depends on the person with the NLP skills. Our trainer screened us before we attended the course, this was to ensure that the attendees wouldn’t use for it for the wrong reasons. Everything should be used in an ecological way. One has to be responsible with the skill. The other problem is that people create a negative stigma with NLP. The brain is incredibly powerful, we don’t realize that we are being manipulated (wrong word choice – coerced would be better I think) everyday, copywriters & advertisers use NLP daily. The book I think Diggy is referring to is called The Game. A friend told me about this last weekend.
NLP is all about how we communicate within ourselves and the outer world. It is a science on how we think, how we have feelings, how we perform etc. All humans create a model of the world through their five representational systems, these being visual, auditory, kinesthetic (feelings), olfactory(smell) and gustatory(taste). It is through these senses that we create our perception and also how we give meanings to events/things. NLP Coaching involves using various techniques to loosen up the client’s model of the world(perception). We can’t perceive reality as it really is, we only create our perception of reality through our filters. NLP helps people understand and change these filters to create a more fulfilling life.
We also use TimeLine Therapy which is an amazing way to release past negative emotions. Negative emotions are not good for the body, we use a variety of techniques to help your brain release the emotions and take the positive lessons. We have all come here to learn but when suppressed emotions aren’t released it causes bodily harm. We can also delete limiting decisions/beliefs, resolve inner conflicts etc. We use the conscious and sub-conscious to gain overall congruency.
More info here.
http://www.nlp.com/whatisnlp_benefit.aspx
http://www.nlpla.com/articles_presuppos.htm
http://www.timelinetherapy.net/
Namaste
Brendan
Interesting! There are so many “methods” or systems – whatever you want to call it – that basically are intended to help us realize our full potential, live with passion, overcome fears etc. but I agree with your last comment that THIS system, from what you wrote, sounds manipulative. Isn’t it as if there is now dogma (like religions) in these different methods? I know all the yada yada about sales and marketing – getting people to buy into something – but I personally shy away from the concept of having “power over”.
suzen´s last blog .."Millie-wisdom" Lessons in Living
The quotes you selected represent great concepts. They sound eerily similar to the Yoga Sutras, which are thousands of years old. Great to see these ideas filtering into Western culture in a different form. I guess even ideas are subject to reincarnation.
Thanks for putting it out there!
Hey,
It is our perception/belief that other people actually have power over us. We all have choice in how we feel and this involves giving our power away.
Rapport between two people is an unconscious trust, we do this all the time with people we know and trust. NLP helps one build better rapport with other people using various skills.
I can understand your perspective and don’t mean to shove NLP down anyone’s throat. I have seen the amazing transformations in my clients and I believe I have the most fulfilling job.
Namaste
Hi Lisis,
One thing that I find interesting about NLP and many other systems that are designed to help people have a better perception of life is that all these systems are based in spirituality and are a matter of common sense. Then again, my idea of common sense may be different than most. But I think we all know we will die and I think we all know that we need to make the most out of life. The problem, I think, is bridging the theory to actually living it considering the amount of fear and limitation that people are faced with on a daily basis.
Those are my two cents!
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..The Spirit of the Free
Great view! I took an interest in NLP awhile back and bought a few books on it but never read them. You’ve inspired me to take a look at them and to pick up this book while I’m at it!
Positively Present´s last blog ..greet yourself with love
@ Everyone: MAN, this conversation is getting interesting… and I’m tied up on another project right now. But I’m reading all the comments and will reply to them later on. Keep ‘em coming, though, because I’m learning a lot more than I expected to about NLP. You guys’ve got me thinking now (and that’s never good!).
As you know Lisis, I was really disappointed with this book and Bandlers previous work “Get The Life You Want’
Neither books are good intros into NLP imho, and neither really helps lift the vale.
You’re right that marketers use NLP, especially anchoring and language patterns. So do politicians and lots of sales people.
@ Diggy I’m guessing you’re talking about ‘The Game’ right? An excellent book and those guys were using a lot of advanced and hypnotic language patterns. A bit slimy, I admit.
Tim Brownson´s last blog ..Self Development Is Easy
Tim and Brendan: I really appreciate you two stopping by and sharing some of your knowledge on the subject. Any reader who is interested to learn more about NLP would do well to contact one of you two through your links here.
I get the sense that it can be a very powerful and life-changing tool when used responsibly, and potentially troublesome when abused. But then again, almost anything can fit that description, huh?
@ Suzen: I tend to shy away from the “power over” thing too. I’ve never even been able to have a dog, ’cause I can’t deal with their need for me to be their master. I stick with cats, because they are completely indifferent to what I want.
BTW, your yada, yada, yada comment reminded me of that Seinfeld episode! Ha!
@ Liz and Nadia: I do think there’s a lot pulled from spirituality in this. I like the concept of reincarnated ideas… I guess that’s what every idea is at some level.
@ Dani: It’s definitely an interesting subject. You should check out those books you already have and, if you are still interested, get in touch with Tim or Brendan. They seem to have a firm grip on the subject.
Question: Is it just me, or does it seem like an over-complicated version of positive affirmations?
@ Nadia – I’m not at all sure where NLP and Spirituality collide. In fact is anything I would say NLP is aspriritual. I consider myself spiritual and it is a side of coaching I have become more interested in as time has progressed, but I don’t think there is any crossover from NLP whatsoever.
Tim Brownson´s last blog ..Self Development Is Easy
I’ve done some NLP training myself, and I’ve found some of the basic ideas useful. The way NLP practitioners ask questions to understand people’s model of the world — the assumptions they make about themselves, others, and so on, has been helpful to me. I haven’t found NLP patterns quite as useful in working to change people’s beliefs.
As someone who knows almost nothing about NLP, I’d just like to thank all the great people who have commented today. NLP is one of those things that I have seen from time to time, but never really studied. Thank you all (especially you, Lisis) for sharing your thoughts here!
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..I Totally Screwed My Karma
Oh, you’re welcome, Jay! You know, any time we can all benefit from my ineptitude and ignorance on a subject, we might as well put it out there.
Tim, now I’m REALLY curious to learn more about it and look into the spiritual vs. aspiritual question. The plot just keeps on thickening.
Chris… the way you phrased that makes NLP sound a bit like the Socratic Method, designed to get at the root of people’s assumptions to find out if they are valid and worth keeping. Did I read that right?
Hi Tim,
Spiritual is a broad term that can mean so many different things to different people. Many people think spiritual means religious or something with faith. In my mind, it means realizing that you are capable of so much and a perception of life. Please know that this is a basic definition for me…I could write pages on this topic.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..The Spirit of the Free
I’ve heard of NLP here and there over the past couple of years, but, as others here have commented, never really took the time to read more about it.
Lisis, you have a very cool way of getting to the heart of things and being very real about it, so I thank you.
I also want to echo Jay’s comments; thanks for everyone being here to help me learn more about NLP. This is just great.
Hi again,
I just thought of an example of NLP which I think matches a spiritual concept. I think in the book that is featured today, there is a segement where Bandler says that when dealing with someone suffers from schizophrenia (or some other mental condition), in order to help them, you have to think and act like them. That is a perfect example of putting yourself in another person’s shoes in order to see things from their perspective which is a spiritual thought.
To be fair, my view of spirituality is based on my experience, so I guess it depends on the person.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..The Spirit of the Free
Lori, you are very welcome. I definitely have found that being open and honest (particularly about what I DON’T know) is the best policy for me.
Nadia: Thanks for bringing up that issue in the book… Bandler’s take on mental illness. That whole thing really threw me. Was he suggesting that schizophrenics can be cured with NLP? Like they just need to tell themselves a different story? Or was he just talking about a way for the practitioner to gain the trust of an otherwise paranoid patient?
I don’t expect you to have that answer, I’m just throwing it out there. It seemed to me he was rather flippant about what I consider REAL mental illnesses.
I believe that, arguably, the best known person advocating / training with NLP techniques was (is?) Anthony Robbins. As you are probably well aware, he put out a number of books and audio programs to assist in learning the technique.
I think there is a basic understanding flaw in the some of the posts above. NLP is used to change weaknesses you perceive in your character and/or to learn how to do something in less time. You wouldn’t learn how to make yourself “appear” more attractive to the opposite sex, you would change aspects of your character, through time, so as to become more attractive / appealing to the other sex.
In addition, one of the examples Anthony Robbins used in one of his audio programs was a training program for the military to train, I believe, sharp shooters. Half the class trained on the rifle range, as normal, and half the class split their time between the rifle range and NLP (visualization) training. The optimum method for learning through NLP is to combine visual, auditory and kinesthetic aspects, where practical, into your mental visualization process of learning / training.
The only person who might be in a position to take advantage of others using NLP would be unethical instructors teaching the method to students through repeated suggestions over a period of time.
Hey, Rick! Thanks for such a thorough and informative comment. There is definitely a major understanding flaw at least on my part and also for a couple of others I know. In fact, NLP seems widely misunderstood, which may be why it is so controversial.
I’d be curious to know how that sharp-shooter experiment turned out. I’m guessing, since Tony Robbins mentioned the example, that the NLP-trained guys did better. I suppose that can be really powerful and great when used by the right person.
One of the problems I’m having with NLP is that it doesn’t seem real easy to explain. I could explain the Socratic Method, or Freudian Psychoanalysis, or Talk Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy pretty easily. But I can’t seem to put my finger on what Neuro-Linguistic Programming is, aside from a cleverly crafted catch phrase: using certain words to retrain the brain. I’m sure that’s just my own limitation, though.
Thanks for a great comment!
Not the best book on NLP, far better are the author’s earlier efforts including Use your Brain for a Change. Also check http://www.nlpmp3,com for Bandler interview
I’ll definitely look into those, Nick! Thanks for the tip!!
Lisis, if you send me a quick email, I can arrange to send you some info about NLP from Dr. Tad James. You can see my email, so feel free to let me know .
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this book Lisis, You are right about your impressions of NLP, it’s not the easiest model to explain. Richard Bandler doesn’t seem to be as interested in talking about the basics as much as promoting himself.
NLP is not just a psychotherapy, it’s also a business model, a relationship model, a hypnotic model etc. The problem is that it never decided what it wants to be, it can be adapted to anything.
But personally as a psychotherapist I see it as a ‘bonus pack’ of techniques to boost my success with behavioural and cognitive behavioural therapy. If you understand cognitive behavioural therapy you’ve understood a big part of NLP. The difference is that CBT uses language to neutralize negative emotions whereas NLP uses the same language theories to promote positive emotions, often involving ‘bending’ the perceived limitations of reality. Actually, many CBT tenets are exactly the same as the NLP Mind/Body model. It’s how they’re used that differs.
Thanks for the review. From what I read in your article this book is very inspirational! I’ve been interested in NLP for a long time now. In fact it helped me to go through changes in my life, to become more self-aware and conscious:) I read about R. Bandler in books written by Sue Knight – another amazing NLP trainer and from Christopher Howard’s Breakthrough to Success seminars – he is one of my mentors now.
NLP is so powerful when used with integrity:)
Jasmine´s last blog ..Work From Home Stuffing Envelopes…
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NLP has had some great results with people I know. Like anything though, one size doesn’t fit everybody, and if you are resistant to the idea (for instance because of the language used to describe it) then it won’t work.