Why Losing Some of the Time is Necessary to Winning All of the Time
November 6, 2009
Please Note: This is a guest post by my wonderful friend, John Anyasor, from HiLife2B. Be sure and visit his awesome blog, and subscribe for free updates by Email or RSS.
We all want to be thought of as the winner. The one that everyone can depend on. When others are in a jam, we want to be the ones everyone else looks towards to save the day.
We want to be fearless. We want to be courageous. We want to be strong.
And when we’re staring challenges right in the face, we want to be the ones who conquer them effortlessly.
I wanted to feel this way for a long time. I thought, when you faced great hardship, you had to be invincible, in both body and mind.
Little did I know that the only way to become truly invincible in the face of a challenge (being fearless, courageous, or strong) is only possible if you attempt it with no effort at all.
Otherwise, you’d better believe that you have to get your hands dirty if you truly want to conquer the obstacles that lay in your path.
You are only invincible in your dreams, but never in life.
A few years ago, I faced a significant challenge of my own.
For a long time, I was an introverted person. I feared that the world would reject me for being who I am. And for a while, I was right. The majority of the student body constantly regarded me as weird, different – an outsider. High school took a lot out of me.
To stop this mental torture, I decided to conform. To roll with the punches and do what it took to be thought of as ‘normal’ by the rest.
It was pretty painful to have to sacrifice your sense of self to fit in. To me, graduation was a Godsend.
But when I started college, I decided that I would change myself for the better. No longer would I pretend to be someone I was not. I would not give myself any chance to be revert back to my old ways.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Four years of conformity isn’t an easy thing to get rid of. I expected to fail. But I didn’t care. I was tired of the way my life was going. Some sort of change was absolutely necessary, so I felt I had no choice but to act.
You guessed it… I lost A LOT.
I decided that no matter how scared I was, I would make new friends by being myself. I would open myself up. And I would ignore the criticisms of others.
This part wasn’t fun at all. Sometimes I would say something stupid, awkward, or just socially inept, that made people raise their eyebrows.
But over time (while I was afraid and practically making myself look foolish,) I began to notice mistakes that I used to make, and stop them before they happened. It was incredible. It was like my mind was on auto-pilot (mistakes were at some moments present, but easily forgotten).
I learned something precious then:
If I had never lost, I never would’ve won.
All of the embarrassment I felt, all the conversations, and all the blood, sweat, and tears – they were necessary to make me the person you see before you.
These losses may feel disheartening at least the first time (trust me, I’ve wanted to give up SO MANY TIMES), but underneath the pain, there is insightful knowledge to be gained.
Forget what the “experts” say.
All of this controversy regarding whether failure is necessary to succeed, or whether you can succeed without failing, has to end. It doesn’t matter who you are – you have failed at some point in your life.
Failure has been misunderstood. We tend to think failure as the end of the line. Like there are no more chances after we fail.
Well, that’s not true.
We lose battles all the time.
Find something you’ve long since given up, but still care about. Or pick something you currently feel disheartened about. Do you see it?
Now, get back on the horse.
We lose battles for a reason. Losing prepares us for the winning that is soon to come.
You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to quit everything I’ve ever done – school, my blog, or just something trivial like beating a video game.
I’ve wanted to quit all of these things, but I knew that I would hate myself if I did. Giving up just wasn’t in me. And it shouldn’t be in you either.
You can lose 10, 20, or even a 100 times. But get back up a 10, 20, or a 100 times more than you lose.
Forget the fearlessness, courageousness, and strength that you think you need to overcome great hardships or massive challenges. Just try, and fail… a lot. Eventually, you’ll get the success you seek.
Always remember that it is only when you’ve reached a certain number of attempts and defeats can you truly be deemed a winner.
Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What about you?
Does fear of failing hold you back from trying to achieve your goals and dreams? Were there times when you almost gave up, but chose to get up and keep going, instead?
Related posts:
- How I Stay Thin Despite My Neurotic Aversion to Intentional Exercise, and Obsessive Love of Desserts
- Adventure: Play Like a Kid
- When Life Knocks You Down
- Fellowship Fridays: LEOpalooza! The Essential Motivation Handbook
- Net Worth vs. Self Worth: The Passion Paradox
Posted in Life, Overcoming Challenges, balance, choices
content rss
Heya!
Inspiring post!
I went through pretty much the same thing when it comes to girls and being social.
If you are not good at something, don’t pretend to be someone else. Be yourself, but make yourself better. Go through the process and journey. Eventually it will make you so much stronger!
Cheers!
Diggy – Upgradereality.com´s last blog ..Be Formless,Be Water
Lisis,
What a great guest you have today!
Hi John,
Great to see you here. That which we deeply want…it will not just be handed to us on a silver platter. It takes work, it will have challenges, there will be struggles, and if we persevere – if we want it bad enough – victory will be there. That’s not to say that the “victory” may not look different than we first imagined – it may or may not. It will be there, though.
Great thoughts!! And great to think about, especially in those moments where things aren’t going quite as expected…
Lance´s last blog ..RAOKA: Kindness
Hey, guys! I’m sure John will be over here later to reply to comments.
John, I just wanted to say that this post really spoke to me on a different level, as a mom, since Hunter has a unique and somewhat isolated social environment (by choice). I know that his re-introduction to regular society some day could be a bit cumbersome at first, but I have hope that he will overcome the awkwardness, as you did.
I’ll have to remember this post when that time comes.
Thanks for an awesome guest post!
Awesome post, really inspiring. For me failure is just an opportunity to learn and improve the next time. I still thank the day when I learnt this lesson.
Oscar´s last blog ..How to Prioritize Tasks in Your Life
@Diggy – Hey, Diggy! Thanks for being here on my first guest post on Q4B!
Yeah, this post really hit home while I was writing. I remembered all of the times I pretended to be someone else in order to achieve a goal. Most of those times, the goal I had would run right past me. It’s because I wasn’t going at it with my true self – with everything on the line.
You can bet I’m a lot stronger now, and since you understand this process, so are you!
@Lance – Hey Lance! I’m happy to be here
I get what you’re saying. Challenges are really all apart of the journey. Things won’t always be perfect and even if you may succeed the first time (rarely) you’ll fall down many more times. When things don’t go as planned, I go like, “Alright another challenge! Bring it on!”
I’m glad you enjoyed the post. And you’re welcome
@Lisis – I’m here Lisis! – At least for a little while before my first class starts
I really wanted this post to be relatable to everybody, so I’m ecstatic it struck a chord with you. I believe that he may have a better time getting used to society when he truly enters it – since you’re such an amazing mom and all
P.S. I plan on informing you of my time of social isolation I endured for 17 years… I’ll shoot you an email later today.
And thanks for giving me this opportunity!
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
@Oscar – Hey Oscar! I’m glad you liked the post. Failure is essential to any individuals success. And really it’s the best way to learn, even if it feels like most painful.
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
Hey John,
Great post here today! I can relate to the problem of losing yourself. I’ve lost myself so many times that sometimes I think I should really get my contact information tattooed on myself…so people can send me back to me
A quote, by e.e. Cummings:
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
The key (as you pointed out) is to never stop fighting…fail 100 times, try 101 times. Keep doing that, and success in life is guaranteed!
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Perfectionism Myth
John, it’s good to see you here as a guest post. You and Lisis always have such great content. I must admit, you have me curious as to why you found it so hard to fit in. Losing (and making mistakes) is part of growth. As you said, we all fail sometimes. The important thing is to learn from those failures.
It’s funny that you mention video games. I usually play games through to the end, but every once in a while I get into an epic game that I just grow tired of. Grand Theft Auto comes to mind, I never finished that one.
Eric | Eden Journal´s last blog ..The Open Mind Test – Part 2: A Great Teacher, A Little Philosophy, and A Whole Lot of Love
Hi John,
Congratulations on having a guest post here! I have always been the person who always stuck out. I never have been able to just simply blend in and conform. I tried many times but it was a disaster because my true self would always come out some how.
As for failure, my attitude has always been that whenever I found myself knocked down by life, the only choice every time was to pick myself up and keep on going.
Life is about learning and it is up to us to see the lessons in each experience. And we always have to be true to who we are and see the beauty in it too.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Woundology 101
Hi Lisis!
If I didn’t learn by falling a hundred times – and keep getting up and trying again – I would never have skated competitively, learned dressage, or water/snow skiing. Not to mention, the failures in cooking would not have served a purpose to make me a better cook – and I could go on and on. Socially – in my youth I went for quantity over quality with friends. Now it’s the opposite. Failure is THE “f” word in my estimation, but also a great teacher!
Great post – as per usual!
Hi Lisis, thanks for having John at your table today – he’s certainly a winner to me!
Hi John,
It has been so great getting to know you. This post made my heart ‘twang’ (is that a word?) because I can remember so many times feeling what you’re feeling.
Even now.
You have no idea how this resonated me with me today. I know that sounds cheesy, but it really did. I’m in the middle of a project that I REALLY REALLY want to quit, but I know that I need to finish for many reasons.
So, I will. And I thank you for saying what you did today, they’ve really helped me out.
Thumbs up to you, John!
(P.S. Did you ever get that stocking cap???)
Lori´s last blog ..Inspirational Funny – by Steven at Human Explosion
Hi John,
Good to see you outside of HiLife2B. You already know that this hit home for me. I’ve been questioning myself since kindergarten. That kind of life was HORRIBLE! I’m a very observant person and have seen a lot of people make it being something that they were not, but later on in life, I started noticing a lot of people becoming successful by being themselves. There were a lot of things I wanted to accomplish in life, such as being a very good piano player and many other things, that I eventually quit because I thought about how I would be perceived. Enough is enough. I’ve taken the much easier and less stressful approach by being myself. THANKS!
Patrice´s last blog ..Your Reflection Should Be Your Motivation
@Jay – Hey Jay! *I love saying that because it rhymes
*
Get up hard, strong, and fast, regardless of the obstacles placed in front you. I’m a bit confused on what you mean by “losing yourself”. I meant that losing is good for you. (or maybe you were just joking – sorry it’s been a long day)
Thanks for everything Jay!
@Eric – It’s nice to be here on Lisis’ blog, Eric.
Before, I guess I just didn’t realize the value in failing (until now of course). Everything’s good now
The problem with me and Grand Theft Auto is that after I beat the game, I get bored of it directly afterwards. No more GTA for me…
@Nadia – Thanks so much Nadia! I love Lisis’ blog and I am more than honored to be able to post here!
I’m actually happy you couldn’t conform. You should never try and hide your true self from being seen. It’s apart of you so don’t try and suppress it. Keep on going, yes, but don’t try to hide something that you should embrace.
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
@Suzen –
Hey Suzen! I’m touched that you think that I’m Lisis
Your talents are amazing – you’ve achieved all of these skills and attributes, all through the power of failure. Happy you’ve learned much from the pain it brings, though I agree that it is the best teacher.
@Lori –
Hey Lori!!! So happy to see you on Q4B!
Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me. In regards to the post, I’m psyched that it made your heart ‘twang’ (if it wasn’t a word before, it is now!). Now all that’s left for you is to keep going. You’ve already failed countless times. What’s a few more attempts as opposed to regretting the amount of effort you sunk into your project.
It will succeed, Lori. Trust me
P.S. Getting a hat is still in the ol’ memory bank. Going downtown tomorrow, so I’m getting it then
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
@Patrice,
Hey Patrice, glad you could make it! Remember that being yourself isn’t easy. It takes effort to become comfortable exposing yourself. Just keep trying with all of your heart, and with your best effort – no doubt you’ll succeed.
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
What you say is really important and relevant to finding ourselves. It reminded me of two quotes:
Bob Marley: “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!”
and
a Japanese proverb “Fall 7 times, stand up 8.”
and of course
Nietzsche’s famous saying, “Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger.”
lena´s last blog ..Using "The Peaceful Scene"
Great post! I would add that trying is winning. If we keep focused on the winning that someday will arrive, we could have a very challenging time ahead. When we learn to enjoy all the journey, we enjoy avery attempt of winning, and then we will be winning everyday!
All the best!
Hi Lisis and John. I’ve always stuck out didn’t fit into the crowd. I still don’t. But I don’t care. I’ve always liked being different. People think I’m weird and crazy even though that doesn’t necessarily show up in my online world. I can’t relate to wanting to fit in because I never have. What I can say is that I’m glad you found your true self and I’ve never seen a case where fitting in and being something they were not ever made a person happy. Whatever rewards there are to fitting in come at a cost that is not worth it. You are losing your soul to gain something false.
John, when you conform you will not be noticed. You will just get lost in the crow.
Lisis, thanks for hosting John on your blog!
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..Should You Trust Your Intuition? – Part II
John: Glad to have read your post. Inspiring!
And Lisis thanks for bringing it to us.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Terrapin Flyer, Dennis Reasinger. Dennis Reasinger said: Reading: "Why Losing Some of the Time is Necessary to Winning All of the Time" (http://twitthis.com/ozsyfg) [...]
@Lena: Hey Lena, thanks for the quotes. I’ve never heard of those before
@Boris: Thank you, and you have a great take on trying as winning. With that mindset, you’ll become a winner yet!
@Stephen: Hey Stephen, glad you could make it! Your words are very inspiring. But I have to admit, I’m kind of skeptical. You’ve never wanted to fit in, even once? Everyone wants to belong at some point in their lives. If you haven’t though, congrats to you!
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
@Sunny it was nothing really. Lisis gave me a chance and I took it
John´s last blog ..Thank You!
The fear of rejection held me back from achieving what I really want in my life. I was a sales person back then. It took me a few years to really come to myself and discern the essential for me
Thank God I didn’t give up gave up or I wouldn’t be here. Be happy!
Hey, John! You are doing an awesome job keeping up with comments, despite my lack of the Subscribe to Comments plugin! I’m impressed. However, you still owe me your “locked up at home” story.
@Adventurous – I still have the fear of rejection from time to time, but I don’t allow it to rule my life. I’ve beaten this statement to death, but it’s worth repeating:
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
I’m happy you’re happy that you didn’t give up. Keep going forward, my friend!
@Lisis – No problem and you’re welcome. ha ha and don’t worry Lisis! I’m working on it
John´s last blog ..When Taking Action, Be the Snail and Not the Rock
[...] Why Losing Some of the Time is Necessary to Winning All of the Time | Quest for Balance [...]
What a great post! I did really appreciate the read which made me think about many things in my llife. As someone has already said, it is very difficult to be oneself…
Kate Coole Spiele´s last blog ..Sunny und Peter schreiben ihre erste Mathearbeit