Mental Illness: The Sun Also Rises… Barely
November 19, 2009
Something strange has been happening lately; the sun is falling out of the sky! Or at least, it feels that way to me. I don’t mean that metaphorically, like: I’m depressed and so the world is in perpetual darkness. I mean, it feels like the sun has lost its will to live.
Let me frame this for you, so you can understand where I’m coming from:
As many of you know, I grew up in Costa Rica, and that meant spending LOTS of time at the beach. My siblings, friends, and I would head off exploring down the beach to the estuary (where the river meets the sea), sometimes for a few hours. My mom would pack a lunch for us and say something like, “Be back by 1:00!” (Or two, or whatever.)
None of us wore a watch, of course; I’m not even sure we owned a watch, but that didn’t matter. Costa Rica is practically at the equator, and that means that at noon the sun is directly overhead. Rises in the East, sets in the West, overhead at noon. So, if the sun was on our right in the morning, when we left, we should be back when it has gone overhead and slightly to the left (West, towards the ocean).
Clockwork, right?
I could always count on the sun to let me know what time it was, within a reasonable margin of error.
Fast forward to college, when I got my pilot’s license, in California. The sun wasn’t quite as reliable as a clock, because it wasn’t directly overhead at noon… just a few degrees off; but, it made an awesome compass. If I was flying around and my compass stopped working, I would know my heading by the position of the sun. If it’s 9:00 am and the sun is to my right, over the mountains, I am heading North. If it’s 4:00 pm, and the sun is to my right (over the ocean), I am heading South.
This seems pretty obvious when we have mountains and ocean to go by, but it comes in really handy when you are flying out in the desert… say, to Vegas, or Palm Springs, where all you see for a zillion miles is sand below you and sky above.
So, as a rule, the sun has always been pretty helpful for me, in terms of my sense of direction and spatial awareness. I know where I am because of where IT is. Only now, IT isn’t there anymore!
Vermont is a FAR cry from being near the equator so, at least in the Winter, the whole East to West, Sunrise to Sunset thing happens somewhere to the South of us. It’s like, the game of life is going on “down there, somewhere” and we are on the sidelines, watching it happen.
Now, at 3:00 pm, if I am facing the sun, it feels like I am facing West, but it’s really South… or South by Southwest, or some other random combination that just makes me feel LOST. At noon, the sun is only slightly above the horizon, so I feel like it is really mid-morning. All of a sudden, 4:00 pm rolls around and the sun is setting!
“Eeek! But, I haven’t DONE anything yet! Where did the day go?”
“Where am I? And, where has my day gone?”
This is kind of what it feels like when you have a late onset of any sort of mental illness, in which your brain chemicals aren’t doing what they are supposed to do. Sometimes this happens naturally; sometimes it’s induced by meds, or trauma. The world and everything in it has been one way for your whole life, and suddenly, it isn’t. All of a sudden, nothing works the way it used to; people don’t seem to be like they used to be. The world, and your role in it, has changed.
How do you make decisions in a world you don’t recognize? Can you trust your brain to show you what is really happening? The thoughts you are having are NOTHING like the ones you used to have… which ones do you act on?
In my immediate family, I have dealt with depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. I hate all three of them, each for their own reasons. But what they all have in common, is that they make us feel lost, confused, isolated, frustrated, and a little afraid. The simplest things become very difficult when you can’t trust your own brain to show you the way… just like I can no longer count on the sun to show me the time or direction.
So, what are we to do when all the “constants” have changed?
Find something new to trust.
The very best way I have found to cope with any of our mental illnesses is to have a person (or a few people) who we trust in a major way. When our brain is confusing us, making the world seem foggy and mysterious, we turn to those people, and trust what they say… no matter what. Trust them to differentiate between the thoughts you should act on, and the thoughts you should ignore. You CAN manage this.
If you really need a reminder that you can overcome any challenge, you should see Josh Hanagarne’s video, No Excuses. It’s time to get back in the game.
As for my disorientation in Vermont, I guess I’ll buy a compass… and a watch.
Question for You:
Do you know anyone who deals with a mental illness? How do they find their way?
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Posted in about me, depression, mental health
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The only mental illness that I’ve had to deal with personally is depression, and the way that I handle it is by riding through it when it comes. I’m not depressed all the time, I just have depressive episodes now and then. When they come around, I have to forcibly remind myself that it’s not real…that this isn’t who I am. I have to tell myself again and again that it will end, and that I’ll feel better eventually. The more this has happened, the better I have gotten at dealing with it, but it’s still difficult.
I keep a “happy file” full of emails, letters, and things from people who have said that they love me, or appreciate me, or have otherwise been touched by me, and when I start feeling depressed, I go through it to remind myself that I am making the world a better place, and that I would be missed (no matter what my brain is telling me to the contrary). It helps, a lot.
As for you and the sun, well, you just have to give yourself some more time to get acclimated to it. You’ve done this before…you know that it’s always disorienting when you move to a new part of the country (or new country!) This is really no different…it’s just a bigger change than what you’re used to. It’ll take you a season or two (or maybe a year) to get used to the position of the sun in the sky, and to really get your bearings, but you *will* get them eventually, it’s just a matter of time.
And so that’s it…in depression, and in acclimating yourself to a new home…you just have to give yourself time.
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Loving It for What It Is
Lisis,
Boy did you hit the nail on the head! It’s not mental illness, but I am an only child of parents who divorced after 30 years. 8 years later and it’s like my whole childhood was a big lie. These people -my parents, who I thought I knew so well, have evolved into people I barely recognize. My mom is depressed and has so many medical problems it’s amazing she is still functioning, but emotionally she is screwed up and my father has spent the last 4 years with a woman that has turned him into an alcoholic. I know it is not just me, because she managed this year to turn him away from friends he had had way before he met her. I have to work with him, so I can’t get completely away from it, but we don’t socialize.
I tried so hard to hold it all together, but I am realizing the only constant I have is my husband. He is a rare man who does what he says and says what he does. He is my rock and we have been through a lot, so he is the one I trust to tell me what is up and what is down when the whole world is topsy turvy.
Stephanie Smith´s last blog ..You can’t pause the world
@ Jay: I know what you mean. Depression, as you know, is my albatross too. It isn’t always awful, and most of the time I can navigate through it (or wait it out). But when I can’t… that’s when I call in backup… YOU! You are always that objective voice of reason that reminds me of the good stuff. When I’m in the fog I don’t feel it, but I always believe you ’cause I know you have my best interests in mind. It’s kinda like having a Designated Driver… you’re my Designated Compass!
As for the darkness, the cold, and the Vermontiness of this place… I’m sure I’ll settle into a rhythm soon enough.
@ Stephanie: I want to thank you for your comment because, although the post was basically about mental illness (since that’s how this manifests in my life), it was REALLY about those sudden shifts in our perception of reality. I experienced something similar when my parents had their plane crashed. Life up to that point was one way, and after that day it was totally different. I was suddenly thrust into a whole new reality that I was not prepared for.
As for your story, it absolutely fascinates me because I know so many couples who stay together “for the kids”. I can see how your parents would’ve stayed together those 30 years, thinking they are doing the best thing for the family by masking their true issues. But then, when the kids are gone, and the NEED to stay together has faded, and the real feelings rise to the surface, they have no bond to work with. It seems perfectly reasonable to separate at that point (like, they did their duty for the kids and have earned their freedom.)
BUT, and this is the part that never occurred to me before… those grown kids are still the kids… the product of this marriage. And if the marriage was a falsehood, then what does that say about the entire family experience… which was your entire childhood? And now you are grown, facing parents you thought you knew, and with no siblings as credible witnesses to help you sort it out. I am so thankful that you have your husband as a constant, a lighthouse in this fog!
It also makes me really think about the experience my son (an only child) will have of his life, and any decisions we make along the way. Sometimes we think we are doing the best thing for the kids, when really it isn’t.
Thank you, Stephanie, for your contribution to this conversation. You’ve really got me thinking now.
I had a disorienting experience recently while traveling. After landing at the airport of a new city I had never visited before, I exited the airport on the north side, but THOUGHT I was exiting to the south. I couldn’t get my bearings the entire week. If it hadn’t been for my GPS, I wouldn’t have been able to get anywhere.
My most recent shift in perception came during my recent layoff. I know I’ve mentioned it here before, but it was such a big shift that it’s still in my mind. The time off with my family was simply amazing. Now that I’m back at work, I’m constantly looking for a way to support myself and my family and spend more time with them. It’s funny I need more support now that I’m back at work then I did after I lost my job. I’ve done just what you mentioned though, surrounded myself with people I trust, and even met some new people with great outlooks on life and positive attitudes.
Eric | Eden Journal´s last blog ..Mish Mash Free for All – November 2009 Edition
Hey, Eric! It’s such a weird feeling, not knowing which way to turn or how to get where we want to go. A sudden layoff is a definite game-changer, with a whole new set of variables thrown at you. Your experience is a bit like Srinivas’ because the “downtime” has been so fulfilling and wonderful that it makes it really hard to go back to the paying job scenario… especially when it means giving up time with your wife and daughter.
We’re in a similar boat now, although we chose to leave the rat race. Now we are loving this new life but struggling to make it pay the bills and trying to decide where to go from here? I don’t even know how to make these decisions… what do I base them on? I’ve never been in this situation before.
You and I both have been looking for ways to make a living online. It seems like the way to go these days, when SO many others are finding ways to do it. Or are they? Maybe we’ve heard about 500 case studies of people who are “career renegades” and have “four hour work weeks”, but that’s out of 5 Million people who tried to do the same, and failed. I’m not saying that’s the case, and we should give up. But I am saying, I DON’T KNOW. I have no idea how to make decisions in this new environment.
Definitely a shift in perspective!
Don’t worry Lisis, you’ll come to love VT. Thanks for posting this. As you know I am all to familiar with mental illness and it’s good to talk about it and make others aware so it doesnt carry the stigma it used to.
Thanks, Charity! I think it is important to talk about mental illness openly, just like we talk about diabetes or parkinson’s or any other condition people struggle with. Part of what makes mental illness difficult to cope with (whether we suffer from it, or know someone who does) is that no one wants to talk about it. The subject is still taboo, and carries negative connotations from the days of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” But how are we ever going to make progress in understanding and dealing with these illnesses if we won’t even talk about them?
Well, I have WAY more experience than I ever wanted with a few of these diseases, so I guess it’s up to me to start the conversations. I use these posts sparingly because I know many people are blessed enough to not have a clue what I’m talking about, and others just aren’t ready to talk about it. But I would love to get to the point where the words depression, bipolar and schizophrenia are as common and well understood as diabetes. Time to shed some light (from Vermont… the darkest place I’ve ever lived!).
Hi Lisis,
On my mother’s side of the family, there is a lot of mental illness. My mother struggled with depression and bipolar disorder for her entire life. I spent most of my life taking care of her because of it. We were more like sisters than mother and daughter because of her condition. It was not always easy to be the caregiver when the biopolar aspect was in full swing because you just never knew what was going to come next but I am happy that I was able to be there for her. I know it was hard for her and it was a great teacher for me.
I think my mom always took comfort that no matter how bad things got with her (and they did get bad), I always was there for her. Yesterday was the anniversary of her passing and I spent the day with my dad. We talked about my mother and it felt really good to have a clear conscience about my time with her.
Many people do not want to talk or deal with mental illness. But I think it is really important that society really understand it without judgment. We all have had bouts with depression. Some people just struggle with it more. We should create a safe space for it. Because those who deal with it, struggle in silence and there is no need for that. At least, that is my opinion.
Good for you for being so open and apologies on my rant…this is something that is close to my heart.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Vampires, Investments and Love
Lisis,
I think it’s really admirable for you write about any sort of disorders and put things out there that many people are scared to put out there. While I’m not sure ADHD is a mental illness per se, I battle it pretty consistently and even medicated during bschool. That being said, one of the things I realized is that I have a power of focus when it comes to things I enjoy that trumps the average person significantly. For example, writing for me is one of the most effortless things I do. I don’t think about it at all. I come up with an idea and put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) and posts just come out.
ONe thing I have began to do is solicit my readers/blogging friends for trusted advice on what my greatest strengths are. I’ve even started to ask my parents. My mom yesterday suggested a career in journalism. I hadn’t thought much about it in the past, but I guess it might be a calling.
You lived in Costa Rica? I really want to go there since it’s world famous for surfing
.
Srinivas Rao´s last blog ..Sooner is better, but it’s never too late
Hi, Nadia! Thank you for your “rant”… I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this issue. People who haven’t dealt with it (yet) don’t fully understand how difficult it is to deal with any mental illness in ourselves or loved ones. I, like your mom, suffer from depression. It makes things fairly difficult at times because I have to learn to override my brain when it runs a constant propaganda campaign of: “You are useless and the world would be better off without you.” And still, I’m the lucky one in my family. Bipolar and schizophrenia are infinitely tougher to manage (but not impossible). All of them, as well as others I’m less familiar with, just need to become part of our regular dialogue so we can learn to deal with them.
On a personal note: I’m glad you have a clear conscience about your time with your mom and everything you were able to do for her, but I’m sure yesterday was still very difficult for you and your dad. I’m sending you a huge virtual hug!!
Srinivas, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t understand too much about ADHD, since I haven’t had to deal with it first hand. I will say, however, that my son’s best friend in Georgia was on meds for that (in second grade), and we got to see her behavior change significantly based on her med status. Sometimes she was super hyper and couldn’t focus on anything. Other times she was zoned out, like a zombie. Most of the time they got it just right, and she was somewhere in the middle. It was a struggle for her and those around her.
I don’t know if it technically qualifies as a mental illness, but I also don’t give a sh*t. If changes in your brain chemicals are affecting your personality in ways you can’t control, it’s a big deal and a major thing to manage. I’m so glad that you were able to work around it to get through school and, especially, that it has made you the writer you are today. The world is certainly better for that!
As for Costa Rica, I’m from there. My family is still there. I lived there until 6th grade, and then moved back for a year in 2004 so my hubby and son could get to know my roots. I’ve never surfed, but did have some really good friends in college that were surfers… they LOVED Costa Rica. Let me know when you are going; maybe I’ll be there too!
Lisis,
When I was at a bottom (God willing my last) I had locked myself in a loft for about a month drinking. I ran out of food and liquor eventually and well, nothing really stayed down anyway. I was sleeping in the closet lest someone knock and try to enter. The police came by a few times to check on my well being, but eventually people stopped coming. I literally was loosing my mind. I remember not being able to even dial the phone, it was just to complicated of a task. All I wanted to do was die really, I couldn’t tell what was or wasn’t real. I would just count the bricks along one of the walls or walk in circles for hours and days at a time to keep my mind doing something besides thinking of how screwed I was. Thank God for speed dial, I finally called my sister and knew getting well may or may not work. I turned my will and life over to people I met in recovery, a sponsor, and a group of people who had been where I had been and got better. I learned to trust as my life depended on it, because it did. They tell me the truth, what is best regardless of if I want to do it or not. I now have that some relationship with my wife and I know she’ll be there if I ever need her for anything.
That would be totally hard to have the SUN off having a party just out of sight!! My wife and I are headed to Cozumel next week for relaxation, diving, and a lot of napping and reading!!! I’ll pass along your regards to the sun!
Jared´s last blog ..Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time
Hey, Jared… thank you SO MUCH for describing so well what it feels like when your brain won’t “play nice”. It’s like you said, even the simplest tasks (like making a phone call) seem to be ginormous feats of strength, impossible to achieve. I’m so glad you were finally able to reach out, and that your sister (and others) were there to help you carry the load.
I’m especially glad that your wife is able to be that rock for you. Sometimes depression can be just as hard on the spouse because that person feels so helpless, and hates to see you suffer. She must be one heck of a woman! I know you two are going to have a great time in Cozumel (one of your many rewards for making it through the tough times), and, can I just say that I am SO jealous?! Bring me back a little sunshine! The kind that actually warms my bones!
Oh my GOD, I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I’m from Miami (which isn’t as equatorial as Costa Rica but close enough!) and I never had issues with being able to tell directions. In fact, I thought it was weird that anyone might have a problem.
THEN we moved to North Carolina.
The sun doesn’t even go all the way up!! Now, most of the time I have NO IDEA what direction I’m going because I can’t depend on the sun and the none of the roads in Raleigh are even close to being straight.
A compass is a spectacular idea.
As for the mental health challenges, I just found out that my father is bipolar and we’ve long suspected that my mother has borderline personality disorder. It’s scary to think that either of those could happen to me.
Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..The Power of Negativity
what kind of depression is that when you get way to tired?
I had that kind of depression 3 years ago. Also dealing with a lot of anxiety. The mind is so simple(in some why) because it is based on the past(memories and feelings from the past). The mind never sees things as they are Now. You have to get comfortable with that idea Lisis. Admit that you don’t see the world as it is now, you see it based on the past. You could try to do this 2-3 minutes a day, look around and admit what I have just said.
and one more thing, when you feel upset,angry…etc about something, say like this: “I am never upset for the reason I think”. It helps a lot
@ Hayden: I know what you mean about the hereditary factor. I’m always a little afraid to take on too much, for fear that the stress would make my already finicky brain even more cumbersome. I also worry, since it runs in my family, about what might happen to Hunter… will he have one of these illnesses, or end up taking care of me?
It’s so difficult to take care of a parent who you just can’t reason with, because they fight you every step of the way. Dealing with my dad’s bipolar disorder was one of the toughest things my siblings and I have ever been through. So, if you ever want to vent about it, or ask anything at all about it, email me. I’m all too familiar. You’re gonna need a lot of strength and patience and faith.
@ Florin: Do you mean like a chronic fatigue syndrome, or something? I wonder what that was you had three years ago? I’m just glad it’s in the past for you!
You are right that the best treatment for these sorts of issues is to stay focused in the present. Regret and disappointment about the past makes it worse. Worry, anxiety and stress about the future makes it worse. The key to sanity is to focus on THIS moment, which is not so bad. It helps to have others remind us of it on those days when we forget ourselves.
Hi Lisis
I know about mental illness through work but not at a personal level.
I experienced losing compass and the sun orientation when I moved from the Northern hemisphere to the Southern one, so I can relate a little bit to where you are coming from.
I also lost compass by moving to a totally new country with a different culture and different language. I lost who I was in my old country and had to find the me again in the new.
That was very interesting and really ungrounding and unsettling. Very uncomfortable and daily tasks like cleaning and cooking kept my feet on the ground.
I am in an unknow path right now as you know, again the same, really grounded activities like cleaning and cooking and weeding, spinning and making jerseys are the ones I turn to when I feel lost.
I think when you move and you do let go of old, there is no way you can avoid unsettling.
It is very uncomfortable but like a snake I see it as shaking off the skin.
However when you are in it, it is not much fun, so lots of love to you, Wilma
Hi Lisis,
I really loved how you framed your post with your experience of living in Costa Rica and being a pilot.
Those two thing alone give me great respect for you (and I love reading your posts!!). The added complexity of metal illness makes you that much more of a hero to me. I have a history mental illness in my family, plus the medication I take for my MS also plays tricks on my mind, too. I agree with Hayden, it’s scary to think where I might be in the future.
It is a tangled web we weave, let alone not being able to tell where our nest is located.
I hope I can be a beacon for you, too, Lisis. I agree with what you said here, it helps to surround me with trusted pillars of strength, too. Without them, I think I’d be pretty lost.
Lovely post, Lisis!
~xo
Lori´s last blog ..Proof: Extraterrestrial Life Exists
At the risk of sounding too pessimistic, even our friends can let us down. If we are looking for a constant source of happiness it needs to be generated from inside. The breath is constant, focus on that.
Steven Handel´s last blog ..33 Questions from Dragos Roua
Hey, Wilma! Oh, I am SO glad you have not had to deal with mental illnesses of any sort. That is a tremendous blessing! Thank you for mentioning the “grounded activities” because those can be lifesavers. Right now, when everything feels different, the regular stuff (laundry, dishes, homeschool) becomes my constant… something tangible I can focus on. That really helps to get from one moment to another.
@ Lori: You, my dear, are SUCH a beacon for me. Case in point: I hadn’t replied to comments in a day or so, wasn’t tweeting, or emailing much, and you noticed. When you called me today I was in such a fog; I could not turn off the endless loop that was playing in my head. You are definitely one of my pillars of strength, and I don’t know what I would do without you!
@ Steve: I do think happiness comes from within, and I can tell you I am definitely a happy person (weird as that sounds in this post). The depression thing comes and goes these days, and is more like an overcast layer. Once you get above it, there’s clear blue sky for a million miles, but it’s hard to see that when you are on the ground. With mental illness, or any disorienting factor, it helps to have something that grounds you in reality. If that can be a friend, family or partner, it’s all the better since it’s wonderful to have someone you can count on.
Mini Update about Vermont and the sun:
I just got back from the doctor (had to get my meds refilled and a checkup for Hunter’s homeschool forms). Both of us are super healthy, but the doc said we need to make sure we are taking Vitamin D because of the lack of sun up here! He said everywhere North of Atlanta they are finding serious Vitamin D deficiencies, which lead to all sorts of problems… like depression. Anyway, it was an interesting coincidence because of this post.
But the cool part is, I got to test the Vermont universal health care system! Two office visits with an awesome, super thorough doctor (Hunter’s and mine), ZERO copay. He typed my prescription into his little laptop and, voila! It was at the pharmacy down the street. Went to pick it up and, again, ZERO copay!
Incredible!
Hi Sweetie,
I have on a personal and professional(with patients) level seen this illness.
See what i told you….write from your heart…and everything else will be fine
This post just goes to prove sharing is indeed a greater level of caring..for yourself and for others who read this.
Your strength and ability to deal with this is helpful for others. ME too
Personally for me..the only thing that works is crying it out and comfort food…ice cream and chocolates and pizza
I admire your courage sweetie…it take guts to write about this …and youre my gutsy gal
Lots of love nad big hugs to you.
p.s. I have been going through the same weird moods cause of my new shift….sometimes the newness can get to you..but then i have hubby baby and chocolates
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Human Explosion-The Stick Man Has Taken Over My Blog!
Hang in there!
Lots of great suggestions upthread! Remember that there are people who would help if asked, even if they don’t exactly understand. I think eventually you will get a handle on your sense of spatial/temporal dislocation by doing your best to keep aware of your environment, and trust in your own abilities of discernment-which we get to benefit from in the form of this great blog.
Would instrument flying be an appropriate and/or helpful metaphor? In Tai Chi, my teacher has remarked on how the five senses are the five thieves, and we have neglected the sixth sense of inner awareness. So that needs exercise of a kind, as well as patience and trust.
In a more general sense, realizing something isn’t right is the best place to start. You can’t work on it if you don’t acknowledge it. You may need to re-assess your mental ecology to better hear your inner resourcefulness (reduce how much media are you exposed to, or other interruptions, and other external environmental assaults-strong nighttime streetlights, visual cacophony in the home, etc). It may be helpful to ask yourself what you do that you can trust and focus on that as a lifeline. That could be skills, beliefs, values or innate talents. You may explore a similar process with the people in your life. Gently excuse yourself from the presence of those that bring too much chaos to your life, if at all possible. Define any newly constructed needs to family and friends, and ask them for help while explaining as much as you are comfortable.
Ask yourself what really matters, pointedly and often. Doing so may challenge your assumptions, judgements and opinions, so it is good to remain flexible in order to compare and contrast new and old perceptions, but at a pace that is a fine balance of stretching yourself without creating instability. You are drawing your energy inward into a sort of gestation period. Keep telling yourself “I’m going to get through this” even if not sure how-but be sure to pay particular attention to the journey (explore any pain or joy as much as possible to discover what you can learn from it). If you must feel a certain emotion, then go for it. Take notes.
Make notes to yourself reminding you to observe healthy behaviors that are especially relevant to mental health: eat healthy food, get physical activity (a little everyday is better than a lot 1 or 2 days a week) ideally something that makes you sweat (vigorous), engage in mind/body work (yoga/tai chi/somatics/feldenkrais etc.), and get good sleep at a predictable time. If you can, check with a physician to eliminate any physical illnesses or conditions that may be having an impact (like the Vitamin D recommendation!).
Try unusual things: can you set up a make-shift sundial outside of where you live (or indoors even) to help you see and learn the patterns of time/light/geography? Engage in a downsized version of Geocaching? Any local meditation groups? Free nutrition classes at a local healthfood store? What small successes can you celebrate? What things are you beating yourself up for that you can let go of? Remember that you can observe your thoughts and let them pass without incident or reaction. This is the beginning of disconnecting from the “endless loop.” Keep telling yourself “this, too, shall pass”, and look at everything as a surprise (I guess that means delighting in a narrow focus of awareness).
Ultimately one’s compass may very well be one’s integrity, and one has to figure out how to honor that.
Hi Lisis, this was a great post, and the sun in the sky and trusting your sense of direction really made sense and put things in a very interesting, understandable way. There’s a history of depression in my family, and it’s a tough thing to deal with sometimes. Like Jay, I get depressed “episodes”, and the more I’ve dealt with this the easier it has become to see them coming. I loved his file idea, that’s great!
Thanks for sharing this. And btw, I’m longing for more sun right now. It’s sunny today, but I know there are only a few hours left!
Miche´s last blog ..3 Keys to Emotional Serenity
@ Zeenat: Funny you should say that… there’s been a good bit of pizza and ice cream floating around here these days! I guess we share a similar coping mechanism!
You’re right; changes take getting used to. At first it’s all very exciting, but just when you think you’re going to settle back into normalcy, you realize, it no longer exists. Time to create a new “normal”.
@ John: Wow! I don’t even know how to reply to that comment, John, because it was so thoughtful and thorough and full of useful, practical things for me to try. I am so thankful that you took the time to put this together, and I will definitely be trying several of your suggestions. I already started the Vitamin D, and went out for a walk in the non-warming sun today.
You know, I thought about the instrument flying reference myself because that’s exactly how I feel… like I’m in the clouds, following misleading horizons, and need to just focus on the instruments for a while. Our senses can be quite unreliable at times… the Five Thieves!
I really appreciate your amazing comment, John. THANK YOU!
@ Miche: Thanks! I’m trying to find ways to help people understand what mental illness feels like. I realize it’s an uphill battle since most people don’t even consider them to be real illnesses… they think they are just moods we can choose to snap out of. The other misconception is that we are just lazy because we can get paralyzed by our thought patterns, much like Jared described above. I never realized how hard it is to describe what happens in our own brain!
Anyway, I like Jay’s file idea too… that seems like a keeper for everyone!
Thanks for your kind words. This is a tough time for so many people, but we’re going to get through it together somehow.
I know it’s cold, but I’m back from a long walk while wearing t-shirt and a (very warm) cold weather vest and hat-because while cold it is very sunny here today, so I figured good opportunity to absorb that sunshine.
Many people find mental health difficulties hard to understand. I dealt with a lot of this on my own until I realized this was more than I could handle, and that it was more than just “I’m different/weird” or whatever. Yes, it needs to be de-stigmatized and taken out of the shadows. It isn’t easy getting good advice if one suffers, and society in general has a hard time accepting it (let alone family and friends), and especially giving us space to heal. We are definitely the square peg in the round hole, and in an impatient society no less.
One thing that I continually enjoy about your blog are your metaphors. They really often are accurate. What I like about this post is that you frankly open a dialogue about mental illness. Most of us have been touched by this issue, either suffering ourselves or having relatives that have suffered. There is a lot of shame about it and so many people suffer in silence. I think the more of us who bring it up in this nonjudgemental way, the more we can help those that suffer it.
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Hi, Lena: Thank you for noticing. I really do try to find metaphors or simple lessons that everyone can relate to in order to express stuff that is hard to explain. Having a mental illness, or caring for someone who does, is like an out of this world experience. There is just nothing that prepares us for it.
It’s kind of like when we first become parents; everything changes in an instant and we have no idea what to do. But the difference is, the world welcomes new parents with open arms, and offers help, and hugs and smiles, and mommy groups, and a zillion blogs to help you figure out which diapers to buy, how to get your kid to eat disgusting green stuff, and how to clean drool off of your silk business suits. Life changes, but you have a ton of support.
With mental illness, the opposite is true. You are thrown into a new world and NOBODY wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to help, or even admit they know what you are going through. Health insurance often doesn’t cover mental health issues, so you go without treatment. Meds are prohibitively expensive, so you can’t afford them. Parents won’t admit they have these issues because they don’t want their kids taken away from them. It becomes a big, shameful, awful family secret… but it’s just a disease like any other. Those who suffer need support, not isolation.
Anyway, thanks for “getting” what I was trying to do.
We have mental illness in our family too and I may be looking down the barrel of mild depression myself (seeing someone about it this week actually). The irony of it is that my Dad is a psychiatrist!
Through Dad’s patients (and a couple of family members), I’ve seen a lot of different types of mental illness. I know what people with a mental illness go through and it saddens me to think how judged and stereotyped they are. Dad’s patients absolutely love him. I really believe it’s that way because so few people understand them, understand what they are coping with and treat them with respect. For them I guess Dad is their compass and someone who gets it.
Lisis, thanks for making a taboo subject less taboo. A great article.
Hey, Sami! I really hope you won’t have to deal with depression as a life-long companion. Although, if it turns out that you did inherit this particular family jewel, just know that it is very manageable. Like I said, in my family, I’m the lucky one. Other mental illnesses are a much tougher challenge.
I wonder if your dad got into psychiatry BECAUSE of the family history? I’ve often heard that mental health professionals get into that field because they struggle with those issues themselves (or in their lives). I have definitely thought about pursuing something along those lines when my homeschooling gig is up because, like your dad, I believe I could treat the mentally ill as people, without judging them for the actions they often cannot control.
I think it’s awesome that he is able to do that for them now. Feel free to e me any time if you want to throw around the old depression convo (myquestforbalance at gmail dot com). Sometimes it helps just to get it out of your head.
Then I guess you wouldn’t like living in the DC area, where it’s almost always overcast and you can’t see any shadows or where the sun is. I had to buy a compass, myself.
“In my immediate family, I have dealt with depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia…” Me, too! My Dad, brother and uncle – bipolar, my sister – schizophrenic, myself – severe depression, my mother – never diagnosed. I’ve written about it on my blog under the category “My Story.”
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Hey, Dot! Well, it looks like we’ve got ourselves an unusual bond, huh? Particularly with schizophrenia. I find that most people have heard of depression and bipolar enough, but schizophrenia is still pretty much misunderstood… and hard to explain. I wish you didn’t have to deal with it, but it’s neat to know someone else understands.
I’m heading over to read your story now…
Trust was the biggest lesson I learned when I went through a horrific bout of depression 5 years ago. 30+ medications in 16 months, and four hospitalizations, all while trying to single parent. The only way I made it through? My friends, and their judgment. Their judgment calls might have been different from my own, but their decisions were sound and made with much love and intelligence.
As I’ve gone forward, working to keep depression at bay, my friends are my barometer and my compass, letting me know where I am and when I’m slipping. I trusted them with my life, and more importantly, my children.
I never knew how deep love ran until I hit bottom.
Katie, that is exactly what I’m talking about. There is a time, when we hit rock bottom, and all our thoughts conspire against us, and even the most irrational decisions seem sound when we are trapped inside our own head. At THAT moment, we simply cannot rely on ourselves to get through. It’s not about being strong enough, or smart enough, or independent, or capable, or anything. It is just the time when we must trust in someone else. And if we don’t have one of those wonderful people around, then we must trust in something deeper and greater than ourselves.
I can’t tell you how many potentially awful mistakes were avoided because I deferred to a friend’s judgment instead of my own. And, you are right, it wasn’t just my life at stake, it was my son’s too! Good for you, for trusting in others, and I am SO glad you have those friends to rely on when you need them.
Thanks for sharing your story!!
Whenever I feel lost, I just ask somebody from the close people around me, like my parents, siblings, relatives and friends. Since I’m a type of person who usually asks about things around me, that can really help me feel that I could trust people around me. I’m pretty sure that they know more than I know cause they are more older than me. Their experiences are such a great help for me to move on and totally handle the current situation.
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