Growing Up Gay in the Bible Belt
January 15, 2010
Recently I was thinking about how difficult it can be when we feel we need to hide our authentic self from others. We know deep down that the person everyone else sees is NOT who we are. We want them to see us, and love us, for who we truly are; but we dare not risk revealing the truth for fear of being rejected… of losing everything we love.
It suddenly dawned on me that my dear friend, Jamie, has lived most of his life this way, because he is gay in the Bible Belt. Being gay anywhere can be challenging; but being gay in ultra-conservative, intolerant towns can be downright dangerous.
I figured that couldn’t have been easy, and I wanted to ask him about it, but I was afraid of being too personal, or rude. I finally decided to do what kids do… when they wonder about something, they ask, and ask, and ask until they understand.
The only way we will ever learn to love and accept each other is if we first take the time to understand each other.
Jamie was kind enough to send me his story.
***
I always knew that I was gay, since I was really small. Of course, when you are small you don’t know what gay is, but looking back now, I realize it. I remember loving to watch The Dukes of Hazzard and Batman as a small kid and was very taken with Bo Duke and with Batman and Robin. I didn’t know how to explain it then, but I knew that I was attracted to them. As I got older, attraction to other guys intensified, and I realized that I was gay. I did not, however, accept it. I fought it very, very hard. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and afraid.
Growing up in the South, kids (and adults) are not exposed to a lot of diversity, and so all we know is stereotypes and what we are taught or hear from other people. I grew up in a very, very small, rural area on a mountain. The closest city was Chattanooga, 30 minutes away. I wasn’t exposed to much of anything except farmland and white people. These people are very intolerant of anything that isn’t like them. Faggot was a word I heard thrown around as casually as the word Mama. If you were different in any way, people would focus on that and ridicule you.
Thankfully, I was able to hide my identity well.
I was a popular kid in school. I was the smart one, winning every achievement award possible in junior high. But I was also on the basketball team, and I had a good group of friends. The good grades and popularity followed me to high school, where I was valedictorian. I got some minor ribbing for being ’smart’, but mostly respect. I dated girls, lots of girls. And I tried my hardest to be straight. I used to pray at night, “Please, God, let me wake up in the morning and not have these feelings about guys.”
I wanted so badly to be “normal.”
I don’t really believe in Heaven and Hell, so the fact that people would say that “faggots burn in Hell!” didn’t really have its intended effect on me. But I did think that being gay would destroy my life, that I would lose all my friends, that my family would hate me, that I would be physically abused. I couldn’t deal with any of that. So I hid. I wasn’t “nelly” or effeminate, so it wasn’t hard to hide. I had several girlfriends, had sex with girls, trying to be straight. Deep down I knew that it was all a lie that I would just have to learn to live with.
Even into college, I was still living the lie. I had gotten away from the rural area that I grew up in, but I was still in the South at The University of Alabama. And, I had gone with a good friend from high school along with many other acquaintances from the same area where I grew up. This didn’t help me feel like I could be any more of my real self.
I was still dating girls, though I definitely knew that I would never end up getting married (to a woman, anyway). Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t miserable. I have great memories of childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. The burden of carrying around a lie was heavy, but some days it was lighter than others. I just tried to focus on other things and spend as much time with friends as possible.
After college I was recruited to a small town in Georgia for a job as a software developer. Several of my friends from college were also recruited there, so it was an easy transition for me (I like an easy transition). This was another small town, though vastly more developed than the rural farm community I grew up in. I still wasn’t ready to accept that I was gay. I still hoped it would pass.
I was 22 now, and so time was starting to work against me. Soon people would start asking the dreaded questions. “When are you going to get a steady girlfriend?” “When are you going to get married?” “Why is such a great guy like you still single?” I hate those questions. They got thrown at me every year at family gatherings. But I was getting older now… people would soon put two and two together. Then what?
By the time I left that town, a year and a half later, I had accepted that I was gay, and I was just going to have to deal with things as they came. I had experienced my first “crush” and knew that I had never felt like that with a woman. It was, of course, on a straight man, but it did help me accept myself, so for that I am eternally grateful. I moved back close to where I grew up, but in the city. I took a job in Chattanooga, TN, and lived with some friends until I could pay off my student loans and afford to buy a place of my own.
My friend Marsha, with whom I was living at the time, was the first person I told. She said she already knew and was glad that I felt comfortable enough to tell her. There’s a long back-story with Marsha, but we won’t get into that. Let’s just say that she was happy for me, but devastated at the same time.
She started taking me to a gay bar in town. It was my first real exposure to gay life. It was there that I met my first boyfriend. Finally! All those hidden, pent-up feelings and emotions I had were being set free. I’d never been so happy to finally be myself and be in love! We were totally consumed with one another. He lived in Chattanooga, but worked all week in Atlanta. Eventually, we ended up in Atlanta, and I have been here ever since.
I told my mom and my sister that I was gay. Mom said she already knew, and that she was fine with it and she loved me. There was a caveat though. She didn’t want me to tell anyone else, no one else in the family. Not even my step-father. She said she didn’t want anyone treat me differently. Truth is, she didn’t want anyone to treat her differently.
She still lives in that rural community, and everybody knows everybody else’s business. She has to live in it, not me. So I respect that… I don’t agree with it, but I respect it. Even now, at 36, my step-father hasn’t been “officially” told. But my partner Tony goes home with me for Christmas, we own two houses together…believe me, he knows. And the rest of my family has just stopped asking the questions altogether.
They know.
Mike and I lived in Atlanta as a couple for 3 and half years. And while our relationship didn’t last, it was the push I needed to finally be able to live as a gay man. I was in a city that was accepting, a city where I didn’t feel like I had to hide anymore. I never have experienced any sort of physical or verbal abuse for being gay. I’ve never dealt with any kind of harassment at work, at school, anywhere. Not that it doesn’t happen, it just hasn’t happened to me.
I’ve been open about being gay, but I don’t announce it when I enter a room. If someone asks me if I’m married, or if I have a girlfriend, I tell the truth. It feels good to tell the truth and not care what the person on the other end of the conversation may think.
I assume that if I were more “obviously gay”, meaning more effeminate, that it might be a different story. People assume that I am straight. And that’s fine with me. I’m not one of those people who meets a stranger with “Hi, I’m Jamie. I’m gay.” I don’t have a rainbow flag sticker on my car. I’m just a regular guy, a normal person, who happens to like other regular guys.
*
What about YOU?
Have you felt the need to hide your authentic self? If you used to hide, and now feel free to be yourself, what is that like? Do you make it easy for others to be open with you about who they really are?
Related posts:
- Growing Up on the Road Less Traveled
- Letters from Readers: Remembering Lost Loved Ones
- Inspiration: Nobody Trips Over Mountains
- Adventure: Aim to Help, Learn to Love
- Where Do We Go When We Die?
Posted in Letters From Readers, Life, acceptance, inner peace
content rss
Why do you call yourself gay and not bisexual? You had to have some sort of response to be able to make love to women. Just curious.
Secondly, I met a German guy a couple of years ago here in China who I suspected of being gay. Rather than risking asking directly if he was gay, I asked, “So, do you like girls or guys?” He smiled and replied, “Me? I like guys.” We then had the greatest conversation how at that time we both had yellow fever where we preferred Asians. He preferred Asian males and I preferred Asian females.
You may ask, why did I feel the need to ask. Well, it was for politeness reasons really. I didn’t want to sit in the bar with him each night saying, “Wow, look at her! She’s hot?” I just had a gut feeling it was right to ask him in a neutral way.
Very interesting article. Thanks for sharing.
Gordie´s last blog ..Why Haven’t You Achieved Your Biggest Goal Yet?
Gordie, that’s a great question for Jamie… I’m so proud of you for asking in such a child-like (open), not chidlish (rude and immature) way. I hadn’t thought about the logistics of this, but it does seem as though Jamie would have had to have SOME attraction to women… maybe? If he doesn’t respond himself, I’ll ask him about this later today.
I also think it’s great the way you handled the situation with your friend. The tension that arises from wondering and assuming doesn’t help anyone, and only gets in the way of forming true bonds of friendship. I think it’s best for everyone when we can be open and honest about ourselves.
Very nice, Gordie… I’m impressed!
Thank you for the positive reinforcement.
Gordie´s last blog ..Why Haven’t You Achieved Your Biggest Goal Yet?
“So, do you like girls or guys?”
I simply love that question!
Christopher´s last blog ..Authenticity in Spontaneity: a Case of Healing from Tragedy
I know it! That Gordie has a way with words, doesn’t he?
He does.Simply Classic!!
Christopher´s last blog ..Authenticity in Spontaneity: a Case of Healing from Tragedy
Hey, Christopher… one of the reasons I got thinking about this topic, and went to Jamie in the first place, was the news of proposed legislation in Uganda that would make homosexuality punishable by death, or a life sentence:
http://www.splcenter.org/blog/2009/12/09/ugandas-harsh-anti-gay-legislation-has-american-links/
I realize Uganda is a whole separate country than Zambia, but I wondered… since it is only a couple of countries away, if you know anything in particular about this issue? It seems to me incredibly inhumane, and it’s hard to imagine how genocide could seriously be considered for legislation.
Do you know anything about it?
Oh no.. I am actually learning about it now through that link you have shared. Like you have said, there is no question that the whole legislation is inhumane. It is cruel and it is NOT right. I tend to think that there is a long way to go in so far as the “collective conscience” of humanity is concerned. This is one example that demonstrates that.
Christopher´s last blog ..Authenticity in Spontaneity: a Case of Healing from Tragedy
Well, I’m actually glad you are unfamiliar with it, because that shows that Zambia and Uganda are really WORLDS apart.
I know quite a bit about being different in the South (Arkansas), but it wasn’t about a part of my authentic self that was hidden away. In fact, mine was on display 24/7, but that didn’t make it any easier.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a high functioning form of autism. People have always treated me different because…well I AM different! But being diagnosed with Asperger’s (at age 50) is sort of like coming to grips with being gay. You know there is something different about you and, no matter how hard you try to fit in with the everyday world, you simply can’t change your internal nature.
So, being able to tell people that I’m an Aspie has been very liberating. I can be my usual quirky self without having to explain myself all the time.
This is fascinating to me at a level you cannot even imagine. First off, I’m thrilled that you went ahead and made that bridge between “being in the closet” and feeling like we have to hide from others for any reason… because that is truly the subject I wish to address today. It’s something I feel we all have in common at least on some level.
But more importantly, the “high functioning” side of Autism, or Asperger’s, is something I’m really curious about. I read a great story about this in a book called, “Born on a Blue Day” and have often wondered if my son falls somewhere on that spectrum. He’s fine, completely, but in a very different sort of way (probably just ’cause his mom is an out of the box nutcase, but…) anyway, I wonder if you would be interested in helping me understand what it was like to be you… perhaps in the way of a guest post?
Ironically, now that you’re liberated, I’m asking you to explain yourself again!
Lisis,
While I didn’t grow up in the Bible belt south, I did grow up in a very in a very small, rural community. Being gay…in that place would have been difficult. In fact, I know of one person who was married, and yet gay – and it came out in a very public way – and was a shock to the whole community. He ended up moving away, as it was just too difficult to live there after this. That said, today I live in a place that I believe is accepting. At least, I like to think so. I’m sure there are people who don’t accept, as there are, I’m sure, everywhere.
Jamie, what I deeply appreciate about your story is how I get this real feel that it’s about just living your life at YOU are. And that’s it’s not about some big announcement of “this is who I am”. Because, everyone of us, in some way is unique (i.e. different). And it’s good to live the uniqueness out – but I believe very much that it doesn’t have to be something we constantly “bring up”. It’s just who we are. So, I’m glad you are in a place today where you feel accepted for who you are, and okay with it all. I’m sure there is something very freeing in that.
Have I hid my authentic self? I’m sure I have. In fact, I’m finding that in writing, I am opening up more to the “real me”. And that does feel very good, very freeing, and very connecting to my soul…
Lance´s last blog ..Be Remarkable!
Hi, Lance! You know, that’s one of the things I’ve always adored about Jamie, and perhaps why I felt comfortable enough to ask him about it. He’s just being himself. He just wants to be who he is, and be seen and accepted that way. We all want that.
I’m not big on crusades of any kind, that sound like “my way is better than yours.” But I do find it refreshing when we can all acknowledge that “my way is as valid as yours.” I am constantly seeking our common denominators so that we can embrace each other for our similarities, instead of focusing on our differences.
As for your story, I had a roommate once who had been married, with a few kids, and then found out her husband was gay. It was pretty much the Brokeback Mountain scenario, since the relationship was with his hunting/ fishing buddy. For a long time I kind of demonized him (“How could he purposely lie for so long?”) but later came to feel like he tried, really tried, to just be “normal” and just could not deny his true nature. In retrospect, I believe it was much tougher on him than on her.
Hiding who we are is an awful way to live. Thanks for being here, Lance.
This was really beautiful. I have a few friends who are gay, and have been gay in the rural south for the entire lives, so this story is nothing new to me, but it is still heartbreaking and beautiful as if I was experiencing it for the first time.
To shed light on the whole “being with a woman” thing, I know that a lot of gay men (just like many straight women) find women to be very attractive, and lovely. As one friend once told me, it’s like admiring a beautiful sculpture or a beautiful painting…women’s bodies are works of art.
I have another gay friend, who, while answering the same question, chose to be a bit more vulgar. He told me that he could function with “anything that has a hole” (Sorry, his words, not mine).
But the point is, being gay isn’t about a physical attraction so much as it is a deep and emotional bond. Sure, gay men can “function” with a woman, and even be attracted to them, but that loving, intimate bond that we all crave (physical + emotional)only comes with another man.
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Miracle
Jay, I can always count on you to shed light on any situation. You’ve even included both stories here, to make sure anyone can understand. Personally, I prefer the “work of art” explanation, but I can see how the second story is likely to be true. After all, I don’t guess a partner of any sort is technically necessary for the logistics to work.
You’re absolutely right that being gay (or straight) is not really about who we are having sex with, ironically, since that’s the part everyone focuses on. It is about who were form those unbreakable bonds with… who really sees us for who we are, and accepts us and makes us feel comfortable… or something like that.
I don’t guess I’ve ever thought much about WHY I married a man, instead of a woman. Perhaps a little self-analysis is long overdue for me! But I do know, I didn’t get married for the sex. It’s like Jeff Foxworthy said: “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts.”
We choose life partners for reasons far more complex than that.
Thanks for adding your awesomeness and insight to this conversation.
When it comes down to it, this is a story of social and peer pressure. Part of growing up is being able to see past that and be confident in ourselves. I was cheering for Jamie as he finally accepted himself!
I often go dancing at one of Raleigh’s gay clubs and know a lot of the guys who work there. When I asked one of them about his Christmas, he told me about how he’d been attacked for being gay.
He was at a friend’s house in Virginia with his boyfriend. The friend also had family over and, not knowing how their feelings lay, my friend kept things extremely low key.
After 4 people pulled the father off of him, dad justified himself by saying that my friend and his boyfriend were making out. That was why it was ok to beat him.
It is never ok. NEVER.
I’d like to think that Jamie’s presence and good nature may be changing some of those small town attitudes. God knows, we need it.
Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..Losing Weight: The Donut Diet
OMG, Hayden… that’s horrible, particularly because it happens all the time. If there’s one thing I can’t tolerate, it’s intolerance. I don’t understand why some people feel they have the right to determine what is OK for someone else.
I know just from my homeschooling/ unschooling situation that people feel entitled to tell me I’m wrong for doing it. Some have even implied I’m criminally negligent, or essentially abusing my child by keeping him out of school. As strongly as I believe I’m doing the right thing for him, and that he is better off for it, I must admit it gets to me. It’s not easy to feel judged (harshly) even for a moment. I cannot imagine feeling that way all the time.
It really needs to stop, I think. Thanks for sharing that story.
Thanks to all for your comments, and a special thanks for Lisis for sharing my story. It’s amazing how freeing it can be to write it all down and get it out there for others to see! As far as the sexual responses to women, I can see how that can be confusing. I am not at all bisexual. I’m 100% attracted to men. I think I was forcing myself to be with women and try to enjoy it because of the pressure I felt from my peers and from myself to be “normal”. Alcohol was almost always involved as well.
I do find women beautiful, and I love being around women. I’m just not sexually drawn to them. Lance, I’ve seen and heard that story of the “gay man married to a woman” all my life. I feel so sorry for these men, and especially the women, who have to deal with that situation. And some men never come out. Some men go to their graves hiding their true selves.
Hey, Jamie! I’m so glad you stopped by. I wasn’t sure if you would make an appearance, or read from the sidelines. Either way, there should be some interesting discussion throughout the day.
Thanks for addressing the question, too. I know when one person wonders something, surely there are others who wondered and didn’t think (or dare) to ask. Maybe we’ll get some more issues out in the open and de-mystified.
I have to tell you, Jamie, I can’t imagine what it was like to be you, particularly back then. Just today, when I was sharing the link to this post on facebook and twitter, I felt some anxiety about it, knowing that this post will surely offend some, or rub people the wrong way. And that is just one little post in the context of my whole life. But you (and many others) had to LIVE this story, every day, in a highly intolerant society. The worst that will happen to me is I’ll lose some subscribers, but you faced much greater dangers (even though, thankfully, none of them happened to you).
I’m just in awe of your strength and your courage, and I am SOOOO grateful about the situation you are in now. I love seeing how happy you look in all your pictures.
Thanks for sharing your story, and helping the rest of us understand another side of life.
Thanks for being an outlet for my story! I can’t imagine how it could offend anyone. I’m not promoting an agenda or anything, just sharing a story, a very real and personal story. If people are turned off by it, or choose to unsubscribe to your blog, that’s unfortunate. But I believe that sharing unique experiences enriches us all. How boring it would be if we were all alike!
Indeed! Some people will unsubscribe before they even read the post. Just the words “Gay” and “Bible Belt” will trigger a whole chain reaction of defensive thoughts. It’s OK, though. Readers filter themselves.
It takes a very open mind to be comfortable in any conversation, and to be willing to learn from anyone’s story. In the end, that’s who I want to connect with anyway… open minded, loving, compassionate people (like you!).
Thanks, Jamie, for sharing.
Nelia´s last blog ..The Reckoning.
If we each focused on living our own life to the fullest, and not worry about what other people do with their lives; the world would be a better place. There are large issues to be solved, like hunger, poverty, and oppression.
Some people are insecure in who they are and need to find fault with others. They are looking for a speck in someone else’ eye and not the plank that is in their own. But then I am a liberal Christian who thinks the Bible needs to be rescued from the fundamentalists.
There are more references there for rejoicing, (193 references), forgiveness, encouraging each other, sticking together, helping the oppressed, and loving each other than for judging or slapping each other around. Be blessed, Jamie and thanks for your story.
Erin´s last blog ..Pray for Haiti
Thank you, Erin, for being so open-minded and supportive. I’m a big fan of focusing on the positive attributes of Christianity or any other religion (love, compassion, tolerance) and not on anything that leads to violence, hatred or disagreements. We have bigger fish to fry,as you’ve pointed out… issues that affect us all, everywhere in the world.
If we could just stop the petty behavior of judging, gossiping, and meddling in each other’s lives for a moment, we might actually be able to work together on doing some good in this world. It’s one of the oldest truths: Divided we fall. As long as we are divided, squabbling over every little thing, we’ll never get where we want to be. But together, unconditionally united, we are unstoppable.
Thank you for being here today!
Hi Jamie and Lisis,
I want to give you two my sincere thank you and all my support. Also, I want to acknowledge how healing writing about our experiences can be. I’m a huge proponent of sharing our stories with others, in exactly the way you did here. Thank you for letting me see through your eyes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
A brief story of mine: I served along side a man and a woman in the military, who had each told me in secrecy that he and she were gay. The lives they had to lead in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” environment of the military must have been very hard on them. But, I trusted them with my life – and served along side them during a war on foreign soil. I loved them like a sister and brother. All of us in our unit (who knew) didn’t give two cents about their sexual preference. I mean, geez, we were getting bombed! We didn’t have time to think about such things! I find it ludicrous that the US hasn’t eradicated the don’t ask, don’t tell policy. (Sorry for the borderline rant, there, I kind of got off topic.)
Now we’ve reached the year 2010 – it pains me to know that homosexuality is still seen as a problem in certain minds and social policies. I’m glad you’ve found your way, Jamie; your writing shows me that you’ve come to the other side and accepted who you are. Bravo!
Lori´s last blog ..Guest Post by Jason Ulsrud: Hold On, How I’m Surviving
Hey, Lori! Thank you so much for your support and for adding your story. I love a well-intentioned rant, particularly on an overcast Friday… which this happens to be (at least here).
I can’t help but be reminded of the Daily Show skit on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in which he says the US is desperate to recruit more soldiers, now lowering standards to unprecedented levels… but you still can’t be gay. Have you seen it?
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-july-28-2008/don-t-ask–don-t-tell-hearing
One of these days, SURELY we’ll finally grow up. Wouldn’t you think?
As for Jamie… he’s the best!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by LisisMB and Jill Lenzmeier, Jay Schryer. Jay Schryer said: Beautiful, heartbreaking. RT @Serene_Balance: Growing Up Gay in the Bible Belt (A story about hiding our true selves.) http://bit.ly/7KxQk2 [...]
Lisis and Jamie – This was great. I really appreciate you telling your story. What comes to me from it is you’re just a regular guy, like you said, who happens to like regular guys. So what’s the big deal? I’m appalled by how many people can’t simply accept this as truth. I mean, sexuality is a continuum anyway. We’re all on it somewhere, probably less at either end than we would like to believe.
I live in California, have many gay friends, and there has been so much upheaval here about the gay marriage initiative, or should I say the initiative to ban gay marriage. I know there are those who believe that the term marriage, by its definition, applies only to a man and a woman. But what they don’t understand is how hurt, how pained gay couples are that they don’t have the same rights as other couples. And the fears that were played upon in the campaign were more than ugly: “if you allow gays to marry they will try to convert your children.” Uh, it makes me shudder.
I know you didn’t expect a rant on gay marriage, but it’s what came out. Personally, I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older it’s been easier for me to be my authentic self, and I suppose this is a reflection of that. But I’ve never faced the same kinds of challenges as Jamie or my gay friends.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..In the Hallway of Transition
Patty, my dear, this is why I adore you. And, like I told Lori… I’m always up for a good rant.
The whole same sex marriage thing blows me away. If two consenting adults love each other and want to be joined together legally for any reason whatsoever, I don’t see what the problem is. It’s a legal partnership, like any other. And those who would cite “moral” reasons why this cannot be? Puh-leeze! Now we have polygamists arguing in favor of “traditional marriage”!
I saw an interesting little map the other day, showing the States that currently allow same-sex marriage vs. the ones that allow marriage between first cousins. Want to guess which one has considerably more? Here’s the map:
http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/graphic-states-that-allow-same-sex-marriage-vs-states-that-allow-marriage-between-first-cousins/news/2009/12/26/6464
Sometimes I really can’t understand this world we live in. We find the craziest things to get obsessed over (like which adults choose to love each other) and then completely overlook the BIG stuff: child abuse, domestic violence, violent crimes, homelessness, disease, starvation…
(Sorry, just adding my own little rant.)
Oh my, that map is something. I had no idea. Wow. I’m speechless (sort of). Yep, I’m with you. It is mind-boggling, what gets focus and what gets overlooked. But I adore your rants and you too.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..In the Hallway of Transition
While I have never had the experience of being gay in the Bible Belt, I have had the experience of having to hide what, for me, was a very deep part of myself — I had to hide my religion/sprituality.
While it is different in that I probably COULD have chosen to be Atheist or Agnostic, I just didn’t connect to Christianity (in any of its forms) and not being Christian was simply UNACCEPTABLE to my former father-in-law. It wasn’t a part of my genetic makeup, it was just my spiritual connection.
For me, I chose to marry a man who came from a Christian family (self proclaimed “HOLY ROLLERS” and “CRUSADERS FOR CHRIST”) and who’s father was a minister. I knew when I agreed to marry him that my religion (I’m Wiccan) would be a HUGE problem. I don’t think I considered exactly HOW MUCH of a problem it would turn out to be. In order for my (now ex) husband to go through with marrying me I had to become outwardly acceptable — no Pagan jewelry, no piercings, no tattoos (don’t have any), no books about anything his father decided was “evil”, no outward signs IN MY OWN HOME (including the privacy of the bedroom) that might indicate I wasn’t Christian, I had to attend their church, our children could not be given names that might sound “too Pagan” (my son was given a biblical name PURELY to please my FIL even though I don’t believe in the Bible)… and on and on and on. My friends were scrutinized, my hobbies, my attire, anythign I said… I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and I was TERRIFIED that any slip up would result in my FIL taking my children and hiding them from me (it is the kind of thing he would do)… as the kids got older I was more and more uncomfortable around THEM, as their grandfather could (and would) pump them for any information he could to create issues.
After 10 years of putting up with this torture, I left my marriage and I am still trying to see that they were WRONG, that I am lovable for who I am because I am a good person even though they might think that only people like THEM are good, loving, caring, people.
Pam´s last blog ..I want to change my approach to Spirituality
OMG, Pam… I cannot imagine. I felt just a bit of this when I lived in Georgia (the Bible Belt) because I’m spiritual but not religious. I’ve studied all the major religions, found the common denominators (love, compassion, tolerance) and built my life around those. Still, I often had strangers approach me when I was at the playground with my son, asking me if I’d been “Saved”, if I’d found a Church to join, etc. I would thank them for their time and concern, but tried to let them know I’m doing OK on my own. That never went over well.
I always felt so different in that environment, I can’t fathom what you were put through on a daily basis for 10 years! How is it for your kids, being caught between your reality and your FIL’s? Is your ex totally on their side on the issue (aka: also brainwashing the kids)? Are you doing OK now that you’ve made it safely to the other side? I hope you know that you are, indeed, worthy of love… lots and lots of love, no matter what they made you think.
Whenever I hear about “gay marriage” i have to remember that it isn’t legal in the US (it is in the part of Canada I live in and has been for almost 3 years now). The nasty comments that come out when people start talking about marriage and who has the right to marry who, is just disgusting.
Love is love.
I know it… Love is Love. I’m living in Vermont right now, which is one of the few States where it is legal (and that has Universal Health Care). Philosophically this place is my Nirvana, though I’m struggling to adapt to the frigid conditions!
One thing I’ve never understood is homophobia. It literally flies over my head how people can hate them based on their sexual orientation when they’re just acting on their desires. It just so happens that they’re attracted to members of the same sex.
Men fear most what they don’t understand, I suppose. And it’s sad that it has to be that way… I mean – do gay people really hurt anyone? No. In fact, all the straight men who belittle gay guys should take it back immediately and look at it this way: the more gay guys there are, the bigger their dating pool is for women, right?
Jamie, thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to put yourself out here like you have, and for that I give you a lot of credit.
Only, I wish it wouldn’t take so much courage for you to share your story… It requires courage because of the incredibly intolerant society we live in today.
Brett – DareToExpress.com´s last blog ..The Inner Chump Strikes Back
Hey, Brett! I like your logic there… the more gay men in the pool, the better your chances with the gals, huh? Can’t blame a guy for looking to improve his odds!
It IS sad that it requires courage and strength in this day and age for someone to be able to say, “I’m gay.” That someone could hate another because of who they choose to love is ridiculous.
Thanks for being here, Sweets!
Increase the pool of women… that’s what I’m sayin’!
San Fran is a dating paradise for straight men. I’m so bad… I’m loving life out here.
Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Lurkers, Saboteurs & Gauntlets… it’s Two Weeks in Review!
I knew there was a good reason you chose to live there! Cali has lots of beautiful places, but that city also improves your odds. Very clever, indeed!
I was just talking about this very subject – constructing a post about it in my head as I went….then opened my mail and find this. I loved it. Excellent stuff.
The weirdest beliefs I hear about gay people usually come from people who don’t know any gay people on a personal level. The same can be said about any group, religious, race or other based. The one thing you learn when you get to mix with a whole lot of different people with different backgrounds is that they’re all……we’re all…..just ….people.
Oooogh – just read your question to Christopher and the reason I was going to write a post was similar to your own. There were some ignorant comments from people in my own extended family, which stem from hardened religious and cultural beliefs. (Nigh on impossible to break esp. once religion is involved).
Another great topic with some really interesting stories, particularly Pams and The Rambling Taoist’s.
Exactly, Rosie… I figured, if anyone can hate someone like Jamie, then they must not really KNOW him. They hate the idea, or are threatened by what they don’t understand, or assume all sorts of crazy things, but have never taken the time to really, truly, try to understand him (or anyone who is different from them).
I thought, maybe, if they could get to know him, even just a little, they would see that he is just like you and me. You’re right that it does get very complicated when religious beliefs are used to control what people accept as right and wrong (not much different from Nazi propaganda). Any time we are putting a whole group of people in a category to be hated, despised, and eradicated (gasp!) red flags need to fly like crazy! Seriously?! Are we still going to fall for this stupid crap?
No person or group (religious, political, whatever) has the right to determine that another group does not have the right to exist on this planet. Period. And when the group that is being targeted just wants the right to “Love One Another” we’ve really gone off the deep end.
Thanks for being here, Rosie!
Hi Lisis,
Thanks for sharing Jamie’s story. One of the reasons why I created my website was because I wanted to create a space where it was okay to be gay. I feel that literature on the LGBT community is either political or sexual in nature. However, there is nothing out there that inspires and empowers those who feel that they must hide themselves. Being a quadruple minority (black, female, overweight, and a lesbian), life can be quite difficult because of how society view minorities. I agree with one of your above responders who stated that if everyone worried about themselves then the world would be a much better place. I agree so much with that because those within the LGBT community tend to care too much about what people think of them, and those who are not worry about the morals and ethics, and sometimes religion involved in homosexuality; when really, it is not about morals, ethics, and religion. We simply love who we love, and it should be known that it is okay. THAT is was “LeadTheWayOut” is all about.
Thanks again for being open-minded and sharing a touching and courageous story.
You are so right… it seems like the current conversations about this subject tend to be political, religious, or sexual in nature. What it really needs to be about is people, and every person’s right to choose who they love. It should be about emotions, and acceptance, and being free to be ourselves. The conversation itself takes a perverse turn whenever an agenda is introduced.
I’m so glad you have created LeadTheWayOut as a safe and non-judgmental place.
Bravo Jamie! The courage you’ve shown to be yourself is beyond measure. The fact the gay community is yet to be accepted in some parts of the world totally blows my mind.
I have a couple of people close to me who are gay. One came out after 40 years and is now openly gay – we all knew he was but could completely understand his hesitance to be open about it. The other tried to come out but it was not accepted at all by her parents. It saddens me greatly she can’t be herself in front of those who, out of anyone, should love and accept her unconditionally. The rest of us love her and her partner for who they are – amazing, generous, kind people.
You know what, Sami? You just reminded me of another situation, in which the whole family always suspected this one particular guy (brother, uncle, whatever) was gay, but no one would ever talk about it.
After like 20 years his partner died, and no one in his circle of family or friends would even acknowledge it as anything other than the passing of an acquaintance! If it had been his wife that died, there would’ve been a HUGE outpouring of love and support. But because it was his unacknowledged gay partner, it was treated like a non-event! Can you believe it? His own family and friends… I just don’t get it.
I haven’t much to add to this conversation. It’s pretty damn good as it stands.
But I’ll answer your questions :
1 – 2. I don’t often feel compelled to hide my authentic self, but I have felt and continue to feel compelled to prove my authentic self.
3. Discussing the gay “issue,” my Papa told me at a very early age that if I ever had any questions as to the legitimacy of gay rights, substitute African-American for gay. E.g. Should gays have the right to marry? = Should African-Americans have the right to marry? I find this equation works well across a variety of platforms and has been most serviceable as a recipe for openness.
Nelia´s last blog ..The Reckoning.
Hey, Nelia! That’s an interesting angle you’ve brought up… hiding yourself vs proving yourself. Both sound like exhausting uphill battles, as they both imply someone else doesn’t accept you as you are. (I don’t mean YOU, I mean, anyone.) Either way, it seems the best is if we can just BE and know that for us and everyone around us, that’s enough.
Your dad’s point reminds me of the fact that we, as a society, still categorize people into groups: black, white, hispanic, asian, gay, straight, conservative, liberal, christian, jewish, muslim, buddhist… as if people were defined by these little tags they wear. We are all an amalgam now, and certainly more than the sum of our parts. When will we accept we are all ONE?
Re proving. It can be exhausting. It’s certainly debilitating.
Re Papa’s point. Buying into the amalgam may very well be an elevated paradigm. And you already know, I’m far from elevated. But personally, I don’t find value in the ultimate blend. I like our differences. The question is whether I approach those differences with respect or with fear.
You call it tagging. I call it recognizing and appreciating wondrous variety.
Nelia´s last blog ..Cruel and Avoidable Punishment
Ooh. And I forgot to ask. What about Lisis? And you, Alison? Have you hidden your authentic selves?
Nelia´s last blog ..The Reckoning.
I can tell you I have ALWAYS had to hide some aspect or another. I wrote a guest post at Porsidan once (The Perfectionism Myth) that was all about hiding my “broken” self from my parents and other adults.
Then there was the whole dating thing. I have always been relatively smart, capable, and independent (hence the flying), but felt I had to downplay that side in order for guys to be interested. I hung out with pilots all day, as “one of the guys”, then put on some lipstick and heels to go out as “just a girl” (I used to love that song, by Gwen Stefani!)
Then I lived in the ultra-Christian South, but didn’t go to church… and all sorts of little things. I have rarely felt 100% accepted AS IS.
If you have a link handy, I’d love to check out that post!
Nelia´s last blog ..Cruel and Avoidable Punishment
Sure thing: http://porsidan.com/the-perfectionism-myth/
HI Lisis,
This is such a wonderfully touching story of SELF. On so many level i can understand what Jamie mustve gone through….but then I know i didnt face that problem. My problem was being ME in the crowd. The Me that was outgoing, outspoken, and so freakishly affectionate/loving about everyone and everything. I dont know why…but at the time when i was young in college high school…those things made me seem like I was maybe a “hippie”. Not that it was a bad thing..but for a teenager who tries to fit in the crowd….well its safe to say i never fit in any crowd. Thankfully I had good freinds and I was my teachers pet always….so that helped…
But, Love is love…however whoever whenever….its love and its pure. Just that simple.
I remember when only recently the supreme court here passed the law on legalizing gay unions….I was very very proud at the maturity of the government. Atleast they recognize that its genuine love thats bringing these people together…sexual preference or not…I believe anyone who is in love has the right to Unite! Cause int e soul sense they are already so so united
Much Love to you both-
Z~
p.s. could i please request Ali to come and sprinkle a bit of her fairyblog dust on my blog..and give me an honest review….?? I would be eternally grateful…..:)
Aww, Z! You’re too special to be part of a crowd! It’s weird how in school almost everyone feels a little left out. But now you have a whole tribe of your own, and will never feel left out again!
I didn’t realize that in India gay unions are legal. Is that the same as marriage? Same rights and all that stuff? Either way, it is great that they are recognizing a person’s right to choose whom to love.
As for your blog, I just saw it last night and LOVED several specific things about it. I’ll email you with my feedback. I’m not sure when we’ll catch Ali because she is in the process of moving, but she just might surprise you.
Yes, apparently many gay couples from other countries are coming here to adopt children. The law on adoption was passed long ago for the gay community…but the official marriage and unions law passed just last year. The open minded liberal folk had a party..and the orthodox mourned…well thats the way its goes… You cant make everyone happy na!
and if i’m lucky some fairyblog mother dust too 
And will wait for your email
Much Love…
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Do More…
Hi, Zeenat. I’m happy to help. Please let me know what kind of feedback you’re looking for, and I’ll see what I can dream up for you!
You can email us at MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks!
Alison | Quest for Balance´s last blog ..Growing Up Gay in the Bible Belt
Will email you Ali…
Much Love,
Z~
It’s hard to accept the fact the most of us are judgmental. Instead of being understanding, we put on labels and are proud of our ignorance and folly. I believe that it’s our right to express our true self, it is our birth right. I think we should look upon ourselves and contradict the misapplications of our human nature.
Walter, you are so right. I am sick and tired of the labels and categories. Partly, I guess, it is a natural human tendency. You can see even toddlers making an effort to put everything into categories to make life easier to understand. The problem is, humans are a bit more complex than that. As I mentioned to Nelia, above, we are each more than the sum of our parts.
Hi Lisis and Jamie,
Very cool post and I am happy that Jamie was accepted for who he is by his family. I have known of families who disowned their kids because they were gay. To be candid, I have never understood why some people get so hung up on race, ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation. Those things do not mean anything. We are all equal and we all deserve to be treated the same.
As for your question, there was a time when I was a teenager and in my early twenties where I did hide my true self. Eventually, I realized that I needed to get over it and I did. As a result, it made me more loving and tolerant.
There is a lot of pain out there and a lot of people are hiding who do not know that that is what they are doing.
Great point, Nadia! I suppose that would be the hardest of all… not even realizing that we are hiding our true selves (often FROM ourselves!).
When is it that we build all these false layers of identity? Is it when we start wanting others to accept us? So sad, really, because then we don’t really get to be happy until we tear down those “walls”.
Beautiful post and beautiful blog!!
You’ve found a new reader in me!
Hi, Annie! Welcome to Quest for Balance… I think you’ll find it a cozy place to kick off your shoes, get comfy, and be yourself. I have grown to truly love this community, and I hope you will too.
wow, this story could have been written by a high school friend of mine in minnesota (who was actually my senior homecoming date, lol) thanks for sharing…the more people that do, the more open we will all (hopefully) become…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Meditation: How Often and How Long?
Maybe it WAS your homecoming date!
I was always hiding but did not realize it. I had no idea I was hiding my true self for fear of not being loved. It’s so clear now.
Every intimate relationship would get to a certain point, then it would just dissolve. I was unable to open up completely… I knew that, especially because everyone women I was with would tell me that. I finally spent several years working on myself and have since discovered had never truly loved or accepted myself.
Today I no longer hide my authentic self. I’m good enough for God and me so I’m good enough for anyone.
Jared´s last blog ..Pain or Pleasure, What’s Your Payoff?
Aww… Jared, I hate that you felt that way then. But I’m so glad you have come to love and accept yourself now. It really is the only way we can be in a loving relationship with someone else. Good for you, for doing the work you had to do to get to this point!