Reading Body Language: The Pure and Simple Truth
January 28, 2010
Please Note: This is a guest post by Tim Brownson, life coach extraordinaire, and author of The Discomfort Zone.
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” (Oscar Wilde)
If you do a quick Google search for ‘reading body language’ you’ll get somewhere in the region of 42 million results. I wouldn’t advise you to do it though because about 41 million of them will be crap and you’ll spend the rest of your life developing paranoia and thinking your family is plotting to kill you. And who knows? Maybe they are.
The reason why you’ll probably struggle to separate the good advice from that which is bad and often downright ugly is that a lot of the nonsense has taken on a life on its own like a zombie on Red Bull.
Reading body language is incredibly difficult and even experts regularly get it wrong and you could probably fit the genuine world-class experts on the topic onto the front page of Google.
So if you ever see a blog post entitled ’10 Ways To Tell If Somebody Is Lying’, smile knowingly and keep on moving unless you want some comedic value or to dive into the comments to tell the writer he’s an asshat (not recommended by the way).
Unfortunately though, a lot of people have a little knowledge about the subject and we know what happens to people with a little knowledge. Yes indeed, they start a blog! Not you Lisis 
If you ever hear anybody make any of the following statements you have my permission to laugh in their face and mock them heartily. However, if they then punch you, it was your own fault and you need to grow up a bit and stop taking stupid advice from childish life coaches.
1. If somebody touches their nose when they are talking, they’re lying.
Actually it’s more likely they have an itch. Although they could be lying because fibbing can trigger a change in skin temperature leading to itching.
2. If somebody breaks eye contact, they’re lying.
It’s quite often just the opposite as people try to look sincere by staring at you when they are spinning a whopper of a lie.
3. If somebody folds their arms, they are being defensive.
That’s possible, but it could be that they have always done that (think academic types) or even that they are mirroring or matching your body language, so check you aren’t doing it.
4. If somebody can’t hold your gaze, they are insincere.
They may be shy, they may be autistic, they may be highly kinesthetic, and yes indeed, they may be also insincere.
5. If somebody walks around with a ferret down their pants, they’re a pervert.
They may just like the lovely feeling of a warm furry mammal scurrying around in their underwear on a cold winters day. Nothing wrong with that.
*
The point is, you can’t know any of the above unless you have calibrated the person to start with. By that, I mean formed a baseline of how they normally react in any given situation and that takes skill and time.
Let’s take the example of somebody that can’t hold your gaze. Can they normally hold your gaze? Can they hold other peoples gaze under normal circumstances? If the answer to those is yes, then that probably rules out shyness, Autism/Aspergers and being kinesthetic.
“A-ha! So they are insincere, I knew it all the time†I hear you declare as you thrust a fork into the lying bastards eye.
Well maybe and maybe not.
You now have to take context and content into consideration. What is the conversation about? Are they embarrassed? Have they felt slighted and gone into their shell? Have they spotted a shiny new penny on the floor behind you? Are you boring their arse off? Have you got a big poached egg of a zit on your nose that they’re trying to avoid staring at?
Now can you see how easy it is to make mistakes and jump to inaccurate conclusions? Taking all that information on board simultaneously as well as holding a conversation is tricky at best and almost impossible for a novice.
And don’t at this point quote the TV program ‘Lie To Me’ at me. Yes it’s very accurate in some respects and based on the work of the world’s foremost expert in Paul Eckman. BUT, and it’s a huge BUT, nobody can do it with that speed and accuracy, not even Eckman himself.
I’ve told you how difficult it can be to read body language, so I suppose I tell you what you can do to give you a better idea of what to look for to have a clearer idea of what people are thinking.
The fact is, all of the reasons I listed originally (except maybe the ferret one) could very well be correct and are useful to watch out for. You’re probably already very good at reading people you know. The reason for that is you know their baseline and their usual ways of reacting to given situations.
The main thing I look for with clients, when trying to ascertain whether they’ll follow through on something and how committed they are, is congruence.
A lack of congruity between words and body, or even words and their tonality, is a dead giveaway that they’re telling me one thing and thinking another. The latter is fairly easy to spot for anybody that has an ounce of sensory acuity.
Have you ever you asked a miserable looking partner what was wrong, only to have “Nothing†snapped back at you?
That was a lack of congruity. The tonality and maybe even the body language didn’t correspond to the words that were coming out of his mouth. The best advice I can give you here is to say ‘Okey Dokey’ and head to the nearest bar for a cocktail with your friends and a great night out.
That will usually ease the situation, if not dump the loser, you can do better anyway.
If on the other hand he said “Nothing†in a cheerful voice it would be natural to assume they were being honest, although even then it’s not necessarily so.
Here’s where it can get even trickier. It’s possible that at a conscious level he genuinely believes nothing is wrong but his unconscious is sending all sorts of contradictory signals trying to warn him that you’re off out on the pull with the girls.
I get similar behavior regularly with clients. They agree to something, their voice tonality is compliant too, but they still don’t follow through. This used to bug the hell out of me when I first started coaching. Now though I’m half expecting it and looking for visual clues that may indicate incongruence so I can give them a damn good thrashing or words of encouragement depending on the circumstances.
For your delectation, here is a far from exhaustive list of potential ‘tells’, but please remember to calibrate first and be aware that cultural differences can come into play too. And don’t try and sue me when you get it wrong.
* Slight slump of the shoulders when agreeing with something
* Reddening of the face or neck
* Perspiring
* Tensing of muscles in neck/head area or even the arms or hands
* Defocusing of eyes
* Excessive fidgeting or possibly just the opposite (that’s helpful, eh?)
We all do every one of those from time to time, so as I say, the trick is looking for changes of behavior, rather than what a book or a blog tells you are the giveaway signs.
So, what a let down, huh? I have effectively told you what you probably can’t do, unless you practice by looking at photos and live footage of people for 8 hours a day, 6 days per week for the next 20 years.
There is value in knowing this, though.
It may stop you jumping to conclusions and presuming people are lying when they’re not. It may allow you to take a step back from time to time, rather than diving head long into an argument because your other half has an itchy nose.
What do you think?
Is it possible to accurately interpret another person’s body language? Do you know any “tells”?
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Breaking eye contacts or not making any contacts at all could be for cultural reasons also. Here in Indonesia some traditional people still consider it impolite to stare directly into older people’s eyes.
You bring up a very valid point… cultural context. There are so many subtle nuances in different cultures that it would be impossible to know them all in order to factor them in to the deciphering of body language.
I really enjoyed this post Tim. As a life coach too, this is a subject that I am really interested in, but as you say – there is a lot of conflicting advice out there! Context is so important and we all have funny little nuances… throw into the mix cultural differences as mentioned … and it’s never going to be an exact science is it? I like your list of potential tells … I think if you are present and really listening to someone gut instinct helps sense if something is off in someones response.
(btw particulary like No. 5!)
And whoever said that when a woman plays with her hair that she fancies you…they lied! Trust I can tell you that from experience, in my case she was signalling the bouncers!
But in all seriousness I 100% agree with you Tim. So much of body language is contextual and doesn’t always have anything to do with subconcious messages, although, in first encounters, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they behave, there are certain things which are a given, like shuffling around does indicate nervousness.
As one of the other commenters pointed out culture plays a very big part. I was watching some Russell Peters comedy last night and he was talking about how Indian men, in India, hold hands. Does that make them gay? No! it’s just something that they’ve always done!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..Honouring People And Cultures With Language Skills
Amit,
I had to comment on this playing with the hair thing just because it made me laugh. I really would love to hear how this whole signaling the bouncers thing happened
A slight exageration, but hey all I can do is learn!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..7 Enlightened Thoughts For A Kick-Ass Day
Hi Tim,
The sweating one is a hard one for me. I’m a real sweater. I sweat when I’m angry, upset, worried, excited, laughing, nervous, etc and easily go red. I’m sure have thought me a liar many a time when I’m just an excessive sweater.
The eye contact one is is very culturally sensitive. Another one I’ve heard is that they swallow when they lie.
Gordie´s last blog ..How Passionate Speaking Can Be Deceiving.
Hi Tim!
I love your style! I was laughing the whole way through reading this post.
Personally, I am a moron at reading honesty – at least I think I am?
It sounds like we all just need to stick to our unconscious reactions (intuition) as they are probably the best lie detector that we have with those who we don’t know well.
Since lying can be a habit, perhaps a person’s reputation is the key factor in deciding whether we had better keep our lie-detector antenna up? For those rare lies, I guess that’s just the price we must pay for choosing to trust our fellow humans.
Thanks!
Hugh
Hi Tim and Lisis,
One of the best things I ever learned from law school was that each person acts in a manner that is based on their perception of the events and their version of truth. No two people will look at a situation in the same way. Therefore, to come up with rules as to how to determine what someone is feeling strikes me as a joke.
So I totally agree with you that there is no way to really know what someone is feeling or thinking unless you talk to them and pay attention to all that they are saying and doing. People do give themselves away but there are no set rules as to how to decipher an action.
As one person said above, cultural influences are important too. In some parts of the world, eye contact is not a good thing while here in America it is viewed as a sign of confidence.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..The Human Body: The Coolest Machine in the World
Thanks a lot for your replies everybody, and of course it is true there are subtle nuances across cultures especially with smiling and making eye contact.
What research has shown though and it’s kinda weird to me, is that there is hardly any differences with micro-expressions. In other words people in Bali will have the same expression for disgust as those in, Saudi Arabia, the US and Iceland.
@ Amit – That really did make me LOL!
Tim Brownson´s last blog ..Death of the Self Help Seminar
Anytime!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..7 Enlightened Thoughts For A Kick-Ass Day
Ah geez… I could go super deep on this, but I have stuff to do today.
In my opinion (not totally uninformed, either), congruency is the key to the whole twisted mess. And you have to know someone for a while to get a pattern for their behavior, such that you can notice incongruent behavior.
For example, one of my closest friends is an inveterate “white lie” teller. It took me years to figure out when she was avoiding socially awkward situations with a little fib. Because telling little fibs to avoid social awkwardness is totally congruent with her personality. We’re close enough now that she’s more comfortable around me in potentially socially awkward situations. But it took a while.
I’ll stop here for now.
Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Practical WordPress Tip #19 Link to other comments
I’m glad you’re considering a different point of view on this. I make eye contact but I also look away certain times and often Americans inteprete that as being evasive when it’s really just cultural–it’s a way of giving privacy. I cross my legs and sometimes fold my arms because I’m comfortable that way–it’s not a sign of being closed. People do have tells but they are very individual and we can just learn to listen inwardly.
I’ll try the ferret thing. Sounds a little dangerous!
Kaushik´s last blog ..Why we don’t do the things that are good for us
Haha! Kaushik, if you try the ferret thing, make sure to share a video post about it.
Hi Tim and Lisis – Fun post! All the talk of congruence reminds of something I was taught in grad school: to not just notice incongruousness in clients, but also to work to be congruent with them. In other words, to sometimes mirror their body language, tone, etc. I find it to be a way into their world, a moment of walking in their shoes. And the strange thing is, when I’m in that place of empathy, I am much more likely to pick up on a client’s incongruousness. So for me it’s both an inner intuitive and outer observant thing. It’s helpful, because sometimes I have trouble picking up visual clues. If my husband and I watch a movie, he will notice things I don’t; but I will pick up on emotions he won’t.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Why Self-Help Bores Me
Hi, Patty! That’s a GREAT point… the whole intuition thing. I wonder how Tim feels about that part? I tend to really trust my intuition, the vibes I get around others, rather than try to decipher their inadvertent body language.
Many times I have found myself dealing with someone who seems perfectly nice and loving and patient and all that good stuff, but deep down, my gut tells me something isn’t right. I can never put my finger on it, but almost always I will find out later that my intuition was correct.
I also think I’m pretty good at spotting a liar, but maybe that’s just from being lied to so many times!
Intuition is something I’m always banging on about to anybody prepared to listen because it’s so important.
There is no thing per se as intuition, it’s simply a name we give to rapid cognition done at an unconscious level. IOW Lisis, you think it’s intuition when in reality your unconscious (the amygdala if danger is involved) is analyzing a load of information on your behalf and sending you a signal.
Everybody gets such signals it’s just that most people ignore them or fail to realize what they are because they are working at a conscious level and it just doesn’t make analytical sense.
@ Dave – On the whole I agree, although some experts can baseline very quickly (I can’t btw) and there are a lot of things to look for that most people will right off as being insignificant.
@ Patty – You’re gonna hate me for this, but I’m going to disagree with you somewhat!
To me what your describing is rapport building (mirroring and matching and maybe pacing and leading) and not necessarily being congruent. Being congruent to my mind is when we are true to ourselves in voice, thoughts and actions.
Can we be congruent building rapport? I’d have to give that some more thought to be honest.
Tim Brownson´s last blog ..Death of the Self Help Seminar
Oh, I never hate people who disagree with me, Tim. Perhaps we’re just interpreting the word differently. So I looked it up. Congruent: agreement, harmony, conformity, or correspondence. When I talk about being congruent with a client, I’m referring to a kind of harmony or correspondence with them. And that does indeed help me pick up on their own incongruousness, the kind you’re talking about in your post. Of course, my version of congruence certainly could also be considered part of rapport building, but to my mind rapport building involves lots more than just congruence. That’s probably true for you too, but I don’t want to assume. Anyway, bottom line for me: congruence and rapport building are two different, albeit somewhat related, animals. Cousins, maybe. But by all means feel free to disagree as much as you’d like!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Why Self-Help Bores Me
I love the idea of congruence. I’m not usually concerned about people lying to me (though perhaps I should be!). What’s more common for me to pay attention to is people’s general behavior in conversation. It’s easy to tell if someone isn’t interested in what you have to say if they are checking their mobile device while talking with you. Another issue is looking people in the eye when you’re speaking with them (context: I’m American). If I’m having a conversation with someone, I expect they’ll look up sometimes, meeting my gaze somewhat regularly during a conversation. If not, I get the signal that there’s something wrong, they’re thinking about something else, or they just aren’t interested… and I adjust accordingly. Interactions with people are give-and-take. The amount of information being exchanged — not just with words, but with actions — is fascinating to consider. Thanks for this post, Tim.
Alison | Quest for Balance´s last blog ..Reading Body Language: The Pure and Simple Truth
Thank you for debunking the assumptions! You may be able to tell over time whether someone is lying and eventually they may mess up for you to figure it out, but it’s not easy. Funny enough, I find that for inexplicable reasons, I know what people are thinking or feeling and can sometimes predict their actions. These are mostly people I know as acquaintance or come into contact with. I think observing and trusting your gut and the show of sincerity are some ways to know whether you are in good hands or in the presence of big fat lies. Thank you.
I agree that body language cannot be determined from first glances. Not everybody works the same way and fits “the body language” stereotype.
What I liked about your way of telling how “someone is off” however is your concept incongruency. When one of three – context, tone of voice, and body language – does not match the other two, there is usually something wrong. Perhaps they’re not being honest.
I’m glad you shared this article. Body language is somewhat over analyzed to the point where their are certain “rules” nowadays. I think that’s ridiculous. Thanks Tim.
Hulbert´s last blog ..Trust Your Intuition – How I Almost Joined a Pyramid Scheme
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Hey Tim,
I love this post..cause it has some valuable advice….really valuable..with a twist of humor..which i personally love
Coincidentally..just yesterday i was counseling someone on body language…cause they were going in for an interview and wanted to know exactly how to handle the HR guy who was gonna be conducting the interview….
I love how much your automatic body language can tell….YAY behavioral Sciences…:)
We cant be predictors…but we can surely try
It can surely make life more interesting…:)
Lisis, Thanks for this weeks guest post..i did really really enjoy it..
@ Patty – Sure that makes much more sense. I think being trained in NLP, rapport building and congruence are kept very separate and for good reasons I think.
I hope I’m not over-stepping the self promotional mark by saying you may like this article on rapport building I wrote last year http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/how-to-influence/
@ Alison – Seriously, stay how you are. Obviously I deal with people for a living and I’m constantly trying to see past the obvious, but I NEVER think somebody is lying to me without overwhelming (to me anyway) proof.
Stick with the approach that people are honest and good unless they show you otherwise. There are enough cynics in this world that trust nobody.
@ Farnoosh – Your predicting is a complicated process where you are in tune with your body. IOW you don’t block out unconscious signals like most people do. It’s not magic, it’s not ESP, but it is a real and underrated skill.
Tim Brownson´s last blog ..Death of the Self Help Seminar
I love you turned things around like that Tim. I had heard of a few of these beforehand, but I think it’s a good idea to evaluate these in context like you mentioned.
I personally try to avoid “breaking eye contact” if I’m in an interview situation. Though I’ve found that if I’m talking in front of a camera I have a hard time keeping my eyes on the camera. It’s just not “eye contact” when it’s “camera contact”.
Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..Natural Remedies for Constipation: Help is On The Way!
Thanks for this Tim. As I read this it occurred to me that the way I usually tell whether someone is really behind what they’re saying to me is to check in with my own body and how I’m feeling — I can actually notice myself subtly tensing up if the other person doesn’t fully buy into what they’re saying.
Tim,
I think you make some great points here. People have a tendency to over-analyze the hell out of body language. For example the folded arms thing is an interesting one. I fold my arms sometimes when I’m cold. Context really is key. The rest I think stems from an internal state. For example if you are mentally in a certain state, your body matches up and that’s really the key. There was a point where I believe you could convey qualities through body language. But I realized that if you work on your mind first, the body matches up accordingly.
its hard but pretty much as long as u know y they are doing it or if u know or have sene it a million times like me u can learn and get the reasons. flded arms means defensive or trying to hold ba sumthing. for sure alot of body languages can be for alot of reasons. more often then not a mix of being defensive or cold. lookng away can be lyong or shame. guilt… sumone email me. so bored.. alan42286@yahoo.com.. im pretty wise and know how it is….
I’m guilty of crossing my arms. When I’m with a group of people or a person I’m not feeling safe with I immediately cross my arms. I catch myself and put them down and ask myself, “what’s going on here?”
Works every time it’s usually that I don’t trust the people or person I’m with.
Awesome stuff, Tim!
I resonate with everything you said, mostly because of my poker background. You can’t use general tells. You have to get to know someone and find their unique patterns AND learn what they mean.
Using this in coaching must be amazingly efficient. I never even thought of that possibility!
Henri @ Wake Up Cloud´s last blog ..My Journey to Making Money Online
“Have you ever you asked a miserable looking partner what was wrong, only to have “Nothing” snapped back at you?”
Yep.. Have had that happen
I have read somewhere that 50% of how we convey is through body language, and most of the rest is through tone, and something in the neighborhood of 10% is through the actual words we use. If that were true, it’s possible most of us actually do “read” body language reasonably correctly as well, albeit unconsciously.
I do agree that the “the trick is looking for changes of behavior”, as opposed to looking for a specific defined motion, like scratching the nose. Great post.. Thanks!
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