Mommy Wars, the Opt-Out Revolution, and the Right to Choose
February 19, 2010
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I know this won’t come as any great surprise to you, but I couldn’t agree with you more. If it’s all about having the freedom to choose, then any choice should be as valid as any other choice. Absolutely women (and everyone else for that matter) should have the freedom to work, to fight, to do anything they want to do, so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. I’m a big believer in the notion that we are all equal, and that we should always be free to live the life of our choosing.
A person can’t say that they are fighting for choice, or empowerment, and then condemn others because they exercised that power. Not only does it harm the individual, it harms the movement itself.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Daydream Believer =-.
Exactly my point! See? That last thing you said? That’s pretty much what I meant to say… I just lack your charm and grace!
And you are right, I’m certainly not surprised that you agree with me on this one.
Thanks, Jay!
Since I am lacking in charm and grace also, I just want to say, “What Jay said.” Love the skit. Love that I have a choice.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Fear Cocoons =-.
Hey, Jill! Thanks for stopping by. I really had no intention to publish this (or anything else) for a little while. I’ve been enjoying a lovely sabbatical. But today I started reading blogs again and this theme kept cropping up, the implication that stay at home wives and moms are somehow inferior… all of which I’ve heard before… repeatedly.
Anyway, had myself a little tizzy fit and, before I knew it, I’d gone and published a post about it. I’m sure it wasn’t a wise thing to do, and I probably should have waited to craft something with charm and grace, but… what can I say? I’m DONE with people implying I’m headed the wrong way on the evolutionary ladder.
Or, rather, “What Jay said.”
Hi Lisis,
Good for you for doing what you feel is right for you! You go, girl!
The whole battle between career women and the women who choose to stay at home is a very unfortunate event because all it does is create a bunch of in-fighting for no reason.
Ironically, I have been in the career woman category for a long time and I have to tell you even within that group there is disharmony between those who are single and those that are married.
When I was working as a lawyer, I used to get a lot of flack for being happily married and it worked against me because I refused to work weekends. I lost promotions because of it which was a huge blessing. Now I am doing what I love so it is all good.
Anyway…freedom means having the choice to do what is right for you. Life is what we make out of it and no one has a right to condemn another person because of it.
Personally, I like to get rid of all kinds of stereotypes because they are so limiting.
.-= Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..“Here Comes the Sun” – The Re-Invention Begins =-.
Thanks, Nadia! You know, you’ve brought up an excellent point and that is, the in-fighting among women goes way beyond the work vs. stay home argument. There’s single vs. married, with children vs. without, differences based on education, appearance, and all sorts of little things.
I remember when I was working that it was MUCH harder to work with and for other women because of the famous cat-fighting and pettiness. Why is that? Why do we turn on each other? Haven’t we realized that it is only united that we will stand for anything helpful and productive?
It just chaps my hide that often the toughest glass ceilings to crack are the ones other women try to hold us under!
But anyway, like I was telling Jill, this turned out to be a bit of an uncensored rant, when I probably should have crafted some sort of level-headed appeal instead.
“Can’t we all just get along?”
Amen, Lisis. You kick serious ass, my good friend. I personally would prefer to have a stay-at-home mom anyway, but everyone (man or woman) should go after what they desire. Goals come in all shapes and sizes – how much a goal matters is relative to you and you alone.
I want to travel the world, but some people might not think it’s a big deal. Do I care? Nope. It’s my life and nobody else’s.
P.S. Stay-at-home mom’s rule.
Thanks, John! And thank you, especially, for doing what I SHOULD have done in this post: not make it into just a woman issue. Like Nadia said, stereotypes in general should be done away with. Men and women both should feel free to choose what makes them happy… like traveling the world.
By the way, I have NOT forgotten that I owe you a guest post. I haven’t written anything (besides this impromptu rant) in over a week. Maybe now that I got the ball rolling, I’ll be able to get back to business. Bear with me!
Any noise about how any one group is hurting the overall cause concerning another group is… well, marketing; not truth. Mostly stems from insecurities and looking for validation for themselves and how they’re living their lives.
The more I’m OK with myself, the less I care who’s hurting what cause.
.-= Jared´s last blog ..Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Shift and the Realization That Everything You Need is Already Within You =-.
Jared, that was brilliant in its ambiguity! “Any one group”, “the overall cause”, “another group”, “who’s hurting what cause”. That’s the perfect way to extend this beyond my little issue and personal rant to any and all forms of stereotyping.
Thanks!!
Yep, you got it exactly. It’s supposed to be about choice, but then somehow, leaving the workforce (or at least the conventional one) started becoming portrayed as a ‘betrayal’, or even dangerous, in terms of our long-term economic prospects. And I get that single moms are the most likely to live in poverty, and that because of continuing wage gaps too many women are not able to make ends meet, etc. etc. But it is supposed to be about choice – for BOTH men and women. And I think that is part of the problem too – that men don’t really feel things have shifted much for them either, there is a lot of social stigma still for men who want to stay home with the kids. So overall, we just need an entire shift in thinking. When a couple chooses to have kids (and of course it’s not always couples, but let’s just stick with that for now), there are a whole host of options they might consider for how they want to care for and raise their kids. And ALL those options should be available and supported for them….
.-= Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Reading Omens, and My Moment With the Condors =-.
Very true, Lisa. I know more and more men are choosing to stay home with their kids too these days. I wonder what kind of backlash they get from “the guys”? I wonder if they are made to feel “less than” like they just couldn’t handle the responsibilities of the real world, so their wives had to step up? That’s kind of how my choice has been framed, like I gave up and now DEPEND on my husband (for survival). It’s kind of weird, really, especially when you consider that in most countries it is unusual to have both parents working. Here, it’s the other way around!
This is an issue that is near and dear to my heart! I love reading about the “mommy wars” and the “opt-out revolution” (salon.com has a lot of great material!). I love reading books about working moms and stay-at-home moms. I enjoy thinking about this, because, frankly, I find myself at a crossroads.
I was raised by a father who worked in an office, and a mother who stayed at home with us kids, but I haven’t had a role model for combining the two effectively. Perhaps not surprisingly, I can’t seem to figure out how some people do it! And so, at a time in my life when I am considering having a family, I find myself drawn from following my father’s example, to following my mother’s.
But back to Lisis’ main point — no one should disparage another person for his or her choices. …and it’s too bad that we have such a hard time understanding people who make choices different than our own! I’m all for choice, and for people deciding what makes the most sense for them. But I also enjoy a good discussion on why people make the choices they do, and the pros and cons of each.
By choosing not to earn a paycheck, anyone — male or female — limits himself or herself economically. That’s a fact. But it’s up to each person or family to decide if that is the most important thing driving their decisions.
.-= Alison | Quest for Balance´s last blog ..The She Coon of Women’s Lib vs. Momma =-.
You know, Ali, it’s bigger than the mommy issue, though. I think any woman that chooses to stay home and be supported by her husband is often seen as weak, lazy, gold-digging, submissive, or something along those lines.
I remember talking to a Costa Rican friend of mine (a guy) many years ago, before I knew which way was up. I railed on him about how they were so chauvinistic, making their women stay home (not allowing them to work). He thought I’d lost my mind because his view of it was not that his woman HAD to stay home, but that she was ABLE to stay home. He said he worships his woman, puts her on a pedestal, and endeavors every day to work hard so that he is able to provide a wonderful lifestyle for her.
It’s a whole different way of looking at the same scenario. Here we tend to think of the stay at home woman as submissive, controlled, and inferior, but there she’s more of an empress. So, I decided to adopt the title of Empress.
As a teacher of mine once said, “true freedom only comes when we no longer care what others think of us.” I applaud whatever a woman, or man, chooses to do with their life. We are the only ones that can know what brings us joy. And what brings us joy will shift depending on where we are in our lives and what our focus is. As a mother and grandmother, what I do for a living has shifted with the time of my life. What I envision is a world where we can all support each other in our choices rather than undermine each other, both male and female.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..I Am With You =-.
Very true, Julie… that’s also what Jared was saying in his comment. I’m definitely at a point where I am comfortable making my choices, no matter what friends, family, or anyone else think about it (for instance, homeschooling, which almost no one understands).
I guess it still bothers me when others are made to feel inferior for something I know they have every right to choose, and there’s nothing in the world wrong about it. I am reminded of Jr. High, when I used to get fired up because some kids would put down others simply because they wore braces or glasses (funny that now both are considered “cool”!). Kids, and apparently grownups, often LOOK for differences to magnify and make a big deal about. It just seems a little crazy to me.
I’m so perplexed by this issue that you so effectively addressed.
Does this conflict happen in real life? I read about it – the mommy wars – but I don’t experience it. I’ve done both – worked with kids, and stayed home with kids. Now I’m working from home but the kids go to daycare.
No one in my life judges me for working (for pay) or working outside/inside the home (which I would do even if I didn’t have to). I don’t judge any one in my life for being a stay-at-home parent.
(In writing this comment, I realized that the terms are so problematic: “working” – parents not part the salaried/paid labour force are still, DEFINITELY working, just not for pay. Lots of parents “work” in the paid labour force but do it at home.)
Hey, Kelly… you are very fortunate to not have felt this judgment about your character when you stayed home (not working, and depending entirely on your husband). Maybe Canada, like Costa Rica, is still more open to the idea that it’s OK for one parent to be home with the kids? In the States it is almost a given that everyone who can work, should.
This kind of extends even to our kids. In most countries, kids stay living at home until they get married. They may or may not work, but it’s not really a big issue until they have a family to support. In the States, kids are expected to work as soon as legally possible and get the heck out of the house as close to 18 as possible, otherwise, they are “moochers” and “slackers”.
I think the concept of just living and enjoying life, without earning and income, has become a bit foreign in the States… it’s almost a sin. When people first meet, they usually ask, “What do you DO?”, as if our jobs or projects defined us. When I say I stay home, I often get the pity look, “Oh, that’s nice.” When I add I homeschool my son, I get a mix of “Well, good for you!” (as if it’s cute that I have a project), or the other speech that amounts to me being criminally negligent for depriving my child of a proper education. People are weird.
But anyway, maybe it’s a U.S. thing, this whole US against THEM mentality. You are so lucky you haven’t been a part of it.
I agree with you that“liberated woman†has the right to choose whatever she wants… Being liberated is having the freedom to do whatever you like/want. It wouldn’t hurt at all as long as it is the woman’s will to stay at home and take care of her family.
.-= Travel Purses´s last blog ..Travel Purses: 6 Great Styles =-.
Exactly, that’s what I’m thinking. Obviously, I’m against the idea of women being FORCED to stay home by controlling or abusive husbands. Really, I’m against anyone being forced to do anything. But if we choose it, and are happy with our choice, not only should it not be looked down upon, it should be respected.
Hi Lisis, to be honest I never saw anything online that in any shape or form indicated that there is anything wrong with those women who choose to stay at home with their families.
When I did experience this issue in my reality was when I decided to start a business from home to be able to stay at home with my son. Each time I saw my in-laws they kept asking me when I was going to finally go into real world, meaning get a real job. That question always puzzled me as I think my world is as real as it can get. Other than that I never experienced anyone judging me for my decision.
.-= Lana – DreamFollowers Blog´s last blog ..you won’t love THERE if you don’t love HERE first =-.
Hey, Lana! Often times you’ll find the snide remarks in the comments sections, more so than in the posts themselves. For instance, when my 10 Reasons Doug Adams Might as Well be a Guru post got stumbled, most people gave it pleasant, lovely reviews. One person said this:
Because stay-at-home wives are surely qualified to state people as “Gurus.” I mean I love HHGTG but uh… Suuure.
This was many months ago, but I cannot tell you how much it bothered me at the time. As if stay-at-home wives aren’t really “qualified” to do anything, but cook, clean, and change diapers. Since then, I’ve seen TONS of comments to that effect.
But the other issue you’ve raised is also one of these stereotypes, the “real job” vs. being self employed. In that battle I see the daggers headed in both directions. Often our parents want us in a “real job” for what they perceive as security, and the younger generations avoid “the rat race” at all costs, knowing it is a false security and craving more freedom. Then they stereotypes begin about each… and it’s all kind of silly because, either one can be the right choice, depending on the individual.
I wonder what makes us (people) think we know what is best for everyone else?
Hi Lisis, How weird it is when people who rally against prejudice turn around and pull the same garbage on those who don’t follow their lead. I am into human liberation, male and female. And one of the first things people need to be liberated from is the narrow mindset that looks down on those who make different choices.
I think part of the unspoken issue here is insecurity. When someone makes a different choice, insecure people often feel threatened. I experienced this many times when I was a vegetarian. Someone would find out that I didn’t eat meat and they would say: “Well, I don’t eat meat very often.” As if my choice required them to make a rebuttal.
Personally, I applaud your decision and the stand you took in this article.
.-= Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..How Enthusiasm Was Secretly Sabotaging My Results =-.
Very true, Jonathan. I find that insecurity and jealousy both play a part in the derisive comments. For instance, if I make the decision to stay home, or you make the decision to be a vegetarian, and we are happy for it, I guess it leaves the other person wondering if they made the wrong decision, or are being attacked for theirs (needing to defend it), or jealous that what they thought was the wrong choice worked out so well for someone else… the possibilities are endless.
But I think when someone attacks another person’s choice it says more about the attacker than the one who made the choice. Kind of like when a bully is mean to a kid, it is about the bully not being well-adjusted, rather than the victim having done anything wrong.
Thanks for being here, Jonathan.
Lisis, you said that perfectly. In fact, jealousy, aggressiveness, and fault finding are all expressions of insecurity for the exact reasons you mentioned. Much of the insecurity in this world is rooted in a need for approval. When someone lacks internal approval (they don’t approve of themselves) they seek it from external sources. If you aren’t doing the same thing they are it gets interpreted as disapproval and so they react.
.-= Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..How Enthusiasm Was Secretly Sabotaging My Results =-.
I understand your point totally, but believe that you are TOTALLY mistaken! Women’s rights and feminism are based on the right to choose. ALL choices. My mom and two of my sisters were and are stay at home moms. I’m a university professor who has always been the primary breadwinner in my family. I have two children and while I couldn’t/didn’t want to stay at home with them full time, my schedule was very flexible and I spent a LOT of time at home with them. I’ve also been able to take them to countries throughout the world to learn about different cultures as I traveled to teach judges. Third wave and post third wave feminisms embrace ALL choices and in fact, women (and men) flat our choosing their own paths. I wonder if the stress you are feeling is less about what actual feminists feel and more about what feminists are said to believe by Rush Limbaugh types. As a feminist, I want every woman (and man) to make her(and his)own choices. Those who tell you that we (feminists) believe otherwise are uninformed and working on their own agenda – which includes separating women from one another.
Hey, Deborah! I definitely think the movement itself, in its ideal form, is about liberating all women and giving them the right to choose. The problem, like with religion and politics, is that the implementation of these ideals often gets bastardized along the way to suit individual agendas.
I would say even MOST people believe we all have the freedom to choose what is best for us. Unfortunately, often the ones who don’t believe that tend to be more vocal and obnoxious (aka: Rush Limbaugh!). Those squeaky wheels, though they may be fewer in number, are the ones chapping my hide right now. Most of the time, though, I’m pretty good about ignoring them.
I totally see your point here! Although I don’t have children (yet!), I left the mainstream workforce about 2 years ago and started working from home. I am currently self-employed in the entertainment and events industry, and I am just as busy as I was when I worked a 9-5 job, except I set my own hours. However, I am constantly asked by people what my plans are, what I want to do with my life, what I think my next job will be – it seems that no one understands that this *is* my plan, this *is* what I want to do with my life and although I am self-employed, I *do* have a job! Anyways, just my little rant
Eran, I know exactly what you mean. As I was saying to Kelly and Lana, there is definitely a weird division between those working “real jobs” and those who are self-employed, as well as those who are currently not working at all (because they are fortunate enough to exercise that option).
We lived in Costa Rica for a year, during which neither my husband nor I worked. He got the question most often (What do you do?), and when he answered that he didn’t do anything, people did NOT know how to process that information. They needed us to have a plan, to be on track for something, to be working towards a specific goal… and we didn’t. Maybe it was just too foreign a concept for them to understand.
Thanks for your rant… I LOVE good rant (so therapeutic, don’t you find?)
Lisis,
One thing i LOVE about you is that you really know how to after “them” … a “trait” (for lack of a better term) i want to distinguish from i have also come to know about you: your ability to bring us in
Thanks, this is a compelling post.
The bigger problem as i see it is one of STEREOTYPING and the sad thing is that you will also find this problem in Personal Development and Lifestyle Design
I have come to realize that, not everyone wants to travel the road, not everyone wants to have an online business where they can sell advertising; not everyone is frustrated with their 9-5 job. It is very hard for the “enlightened” people to believe this.
I think that there is more to life than we know and the best we can do is to RESPECT PERSONAL CHOICE. People are INDIVIDUALS. Maybe we need to be reminded of that a little often.
Thanks.
.-= Christopher Kabamba´s last blog ..A Guide to my idea of Conscious Parenting =-.
Haha! Isn’t that weird, Christopher? By and large, my goal is always to bring us closer together. And yet, often I start that process by identifying the us vs. them. These are two opposite sides of an argument (prickes and goo), now let’s come together and discuss our similarities.
I’m glad you brought up the PD/LD issue because it’s something I noticed as well. Personal Development blogging, books, seminars, whatever, tends to focus on highlighted differences in order to pitch to an audience. One of the big trends right now is focusing on those who are sick of the rat race, often to the point that it makes the others (arguably the majority) feel bad that they are content with their choice.
I think there is more money to be made in us vs. them than in bringing us all together. It bothers me, though. I tend to believe it takes all kinds, and all choices are equally valid, and everyone is at a different phase in life (with unique circumstances) and should be respected for their decisions. It troubles me that PD/LD seems to be headed in the opposite direction (I’m OK, You are not OK).
BTW, I have not forgotten your guest post. I’ve been a bit absent lately, but hope to have it up in the next week or so.
Dear Lisis,
I am all with you. I have been a go getter for so long. Degrees credentials…Lived on my own terms…had financial freedom …did all those things those so called “empowered women” think they need to feel empowered. But seriously, I dont think I have ever in my life ever felt as “empowered” as i do right now.
Today, I, much like you, have chosen to stay more at home. Slow down my career…and spend time with my daughter and my loving hubby. And I am still happy. Really really happy.
I have felt those women’s weird stares..and my own close acquaintance tell me..”what r u doing wasting all your telents…go start your practice…blah blah and blah…” And these are the very women who are unhappy with themselves…meaning they feel guilty cause they cant spend as much time with their kids and dont have enough strength at the end of the day for their families. They are constantly second guessing themselves when it comes to matters of the home.
I am not saying women who have full time jobs cant handle it! Oh but they most certainly can! But my problem is…why belittle someone elses decision to slow down the career to focus on another Lifetime Career(Home&Family).
See both groups of women can be happy for each others decision..and live in harmony by encouraging each other..rather than belittling and negating.
LIfe is full of choices. And choices are based on each and every circumstance. If at one point the career was important and at another point the home and family..thats FINE!
Learning to prioritize based on these circumstances..is what will eventually make each and every one of us happy and fulfilled. Atleast thats what I feel and have personally experienced.
ok…comment going toooo long
But it just goes to show youve touched on something very close to my heart
Much Love,
Z~
.-= Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Learning To Flow With The Universal Plan =-.
That’s exactly what I get all the time, Z., “what are you doing WASTING all your talents… there is so much you could DO!” What the heck does that mean?! Why is it a waste for me to not work, and simply enjoy life?
Furthermore, since I’m doing the mommy thing, I am totally DOING something… I’m getting a kid from childhood to adulthood, shaping a character, planting seeds of positive values, contributing to a future society… all of which you know. I am using all the things I learned throughout my life NOW more than I ever did when I was working. Everything is relevant while my son is discovering the world. Every skill I ever learned is coming in handy.
Weird that we are made to feel like we are WASTING our degrees, training, and professional opportunities, huh?
Thanks for your beautiful comment, Z.
As one who was in the trenches from the beginning of the feminist battles I have stood back and watched women become slaves to the system “out there in the world” just as men have always been. Yippee! we won the right to get black lung disease in the coal mines along side men – and the right to fight and die in whatever damned war comes along – and the right to knock ourselves out climbing the corporate ladder along with men. In fact women do the lions share of work “out there in the world” because it is hardwired into our brains that work is important (raising children alive and well is important and it’s in our DNA to take the job seriously) so in the workforce we are way to conscientious and most men are happy to sit back and enjoy while women take everything out there way too seriously. And by the way there is still no equal pay for equal work. So now women get two jobs in place of one because they still get the lions share of the housework/cooking/shopping/childcare/laundry etc. even if they do still manage to stay married. Children are running amok everywhere you look because they need the attention.
Don’t get me started!!!
It’s good to have choice though. Many of us felt/were enslaved staying home with the kids. No car, no friends, no life, no daycare (even then I knew I couldn’t trust someone else to care for my kids – I was fairly temped to murder them myself). I think that had I felt able to choose I could have been far happier doing what I did. Lisis, you made a great choice.
Hey, Trish!
It’s kind of weird, when you look at it from this end of things, that “we” fought so hard for the right to work at those jobs so many of us hate, fight and die along side male soldiers, and other crazy things like that. It’s a bit like begging to be allowed to paint Tom Sawyer’s fence! Remember this part:
“Like it? Well, I don’t see why I oughtn’t to like it. does a boy get a chance to whitewash a fence every day?”
That put the thing in a new light. Ben stopped nibbling his apple. Tom swept his brush daintily back and forth – stepped back to note the effect – added a touch here and there – criticized the effect again – Ben watching every move and getting more and more interested, more and more absorbed. Presently he said:
“Say, Tom, let me whitewash a little.”
(Tom actually made him BEG for a while!)
Seems weird that we fought to be allowed to do these things, but it IS great to have the option to choose. I know there was a time when a divorced or widowed woman would be seriously up a creek, since she was not allowed to work, or earn enough to pay her bills. We’ve certainly come a LONG way, and I’m thankful for every bit of that. I love having options.
Ha! Tom Sawyer. Exactly! Yup. That’s how it is. Mark Twain always had his finger right there on the pulse of humanity then worked it! His insights just keep coming up FRESH!
.-= Trish Scott´s last blog ..About Wildlife Direct =-.
Lisis,
So, I’m married, three kids. And when we started having those three kiddos, my wife CHOSE to stay home. And you know what – that was a choice that she made, and I fully stood beside her. And it has meant that our kids are cared for by someone we know (my wife), there has been someone to get them on the bus, help out in the classrooms, and just generally create a pretty wonderful family life. I am lucky that I have a wife who is a liberated woman. Today, she has chosen to work part time, during the school year – and when the kids are in school. Summer comes, and she will be home.
So, Lisis, what you are choosing to do – you…choosing…is you being the woman you desire to be. And if that is staying home (and I know it is), then that is a beautiful choice you are making.
So, just so you know…I happen to think you are all sorts of awesome…and that shines through in the person you are…
.-= Lance´s last blog ..The Energy Of Our Being =-.
Thank you, Lance! I think it’s great that your wife was willing (and able) to stay home with the little ones. I also think it’s awesome that she’s making the transition back into doing her own thing, ’cause these little ones don’t stay little for long, do they? All of a sudden they’ll outgrow us one day, and we’ll head back to the drawing board to find something new to pour ourselves into… like, say, blogging!
Being as I just happen know Mary Shelley’s middle name, and actually *own* a Jerry Clower tape (cassette), your coolness just racheted up another notch.
Remember: “It coulda been a LOT worse…The Devil coulda made poor ol’ Uncle Versy tote HIM!”
.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Botnet Losing Steam (Under Attack! 2/17/2010) =-.
That’s awesome, Dave. I figured most people wouldn’t have a clue who Jerry Clower was, much less own a sure ’nuff cassette tape of the man. Sweet Lord, you’re now officially the coolest guy I know!
Oh, I can’t get enough of Uncle Versie, Marcel Ledbetter, and the whole crew. Now that man KNEW, good and well, how to tell a story.
Some people prefer to work and pay a nanny to raise their kids. I wouldn’t take that route but it does appeal at times as I wade through more laundry and wipe up a mess off the floor for the 3rd time in a day. You’ve got to respect and appreciate that everyone has a different way of doing things.
It would be nice to think that people appreciated mums who stay at home with their kids as much as those who return to the workforce fulltime. Heck it would be great if governments would pay women to stay at home so they didn’t have to return to work when they weren’t ready because they needed the money. But now I really am starting to dream…
I’m trying to balance my kids and running a business by working only during school hours. But even though I have time to spend with my kids when they’re home life is more rushed and lovely things like mummy’s homemade baking are becoming a thing of the past. Shame really, I like making a nice cake and they’re so much better than the shop bought ones.
You know, I’m not sure if it’s still this way but, in Costa Rica it used to be the norm that women were guaranteed maternity leave that started a month before their due date, and lasted a year after the birth. Not sure about the details of pay and whatnot, but the idea was to encourage moms to be home with their newborns, breastfeed (if possible), and do all that good stuff Nature designed mammals to do. Presumably, that would lead to healthier babies and mommas, and less strain on the Universal health care system. I don’t know… but I like it!
As for baking less often, the good thing about that is when you do, it’s an even greater treat for everyone. Just don’t forget to do it once in a while.
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Nice post Lisis. I totally agree with you that women should have decision to choose what makes them happy. I think some women take it too far when it comes to women liberation moments. If women want to stay at home, that’s their choice. I don’t think it has anything to do with demeaning a woman’s status or saying that men are superior.
.-= Hulbert´s last blog ..My Brother Got Pulled Over by the Police – Part I Interview =-.
Exactly, Hulbert… not everything we do has to be some big political statement. Sometimes we just want to follow our hearts and do what feels right… which is different for everyone. That’s the beauty of freedom.
Hey Lisis – I think it is interesting that anyone would classify stay-at-home moms in a negative light. The reasons that you listed above about why you are currently at home are certainly worthy and deserving of the utmost respect – sacrificing your solo pursuits in order to spend more time with your child and husband! The difference here is that YOU are making the decision, nobody else. And that is clearly the sign of a liberated woman.
At a time when families are falling apart all over the place, if a woman chooses to stay at home and be a bigger part of their child’s life than what seems to be normal these days, well, I’m a bit confused as to how anyone could see that as something negative.
.-= Earl´s last blog ..Slovakia: Mud, Salt and Nudity at the Piestany Spa =-.
Earl, I’m with you, hon. I honestly can’t figure out why we aren’t finding ways to make it easier for women who want to stay home to do so. That’s the saddest part of this whole deal for me, when women go back to work because they have to, but wish with every fiber of their being that they could be home with their little ones.
Those who choose to work, or love their careers, have it pretty good. Those of us who choose to stay home, and are able to, can’t really complain. But those who are forced either to stay home or work against their wishes… that’s the real tragedy here. I don’t guess we are a totally free society until we really CAN choose our own path.
Dear Lisis,
I love the way that you lead your readers to give their honest opinion and keep an intelligent conversation!
My comment today is not about the topic of “liberated women” versus “stay-at-home wives”. It is about the process that you described:
“I really had no intention to publish this (or anything else) for a little while. I’ve been enjoying a lovely sabbatical. But today I started reading blogs again and this theme kept cropping up, the implication that stay at home wives and moms are somehow inferior… all of which I’ve heard before… repeatedly.”
Very interesting, this fact made you to post this…
Why did it bother you too much?
There is something inside of you that tell you, Lisis, maybe you are wasting your potential?
There is freedom of choice and you have the right to choose what you did! It is not necessary any comment supporting you on this!
There is freedom of expression and people use this right and say terrible things about all kind of people who are making the right decisions for themselves!
What I can tell from my personal experience is that if some criticism really bothers me is because it is touching some issue that I do not accept of myself.
Just food for thought…
.-= Boris´s last blog ..Be average! =-.
Hmmm… I thought about this long and hard after I read your comment, to see if my defensiveness has to do with insecurity about my own choice… but I don’t think it does.
The best way I can explain this is to compare it to the medical industry. Our medical system is so broken (particularly the mental health side) that it requires the patient (who sometimes is barely functional) to navigate a complicated, inefficient process which leads to endless paperwork and countless wrong turns.
Fortunately, I’m fairly capable and resourceful. So, before I even get to a medical appointment, I google my symptoms, possible causes, and various medications the doc might mention, so that I can test his/her competence and make sure I’m not being railroaded into some new trial medication the pharmaceutical company is pushing on the docs (because it has a higher profit margin). Then I get totally organized about the paperwork, insurance companies, bills, etc.
But I always wonder, as I go through this nightmare how others, who are less capable, or incapacitated, navigate these waters. And it bothers me to no end that the patient is responsible for their own treatment… even though my situation is pretty well in-hand.
Same thing applies here. I’m comfortable with my choice. I’ve always known that what I wanted to be when I grow up is a stay at home mom, just like mine was. When I was offered a job to fly for the airlines, I purposely turned it down because that lifestyle would keep me away from my (future) kids. But some moms maybe aren’t as certain, or have their doubts about staying home being a wise choice, and I hate for them to be railroaded into thinking they are weak for making it.
So I guess I felt I should stick up for all of us, since we are rarely as vocal about our choice.
Thanks for your comment, though… you really got me thinking on this one!
I also wondered if this was touched off by the schooling issues you’ve encountered in your new state. Glad you expressed yourself and that we were here to add to the support of staying true to yourself. Not everyone does feel secure enough to say “I do not agree.”
Some things you might enjoy reading:
From http://www.alreadypretty.com/2010/01/blame-and-patriarchy.html:
I believe that someone who is both complicit and complaining is contributing. And that internalizing anger at the patriarchy – becoming bitter and unhappy in the thickness of silence – is exactly what the patriarchy wants women to do. A quietly furious but essentially unmoving woman is as much a minion of the patriarchy as an complicit man: Neither is doing anything to enact change or better the situation.
So bravo, Lisis, bravo for using your blog to say I do not agree!
I take thoughtful action to alleviate it….And my personal steps may seem inconsequential or ineffective or feeble to some. But while I know that the actions I take will NOT undo hundreds of years of patriarchal oppression, I also know that the actions I take will reconfigure how I personally feel about and deal with the patriarchy. In my experience dealing with conflict, attempts to change my opponent may fail, but changing how I deal with my opponent can transform my situation for the better. The more engaged I become, the less inclined I feel to complain. The more level-headed and active I am, the less oppressed I feel.
From http://sciencefictionstyle.blogspot.com/2010/01/thoughts-on-patriarchy-from-social.html:
The hallmark of patriarchy is that it is an -archy: it is the ruling system of our country, the status quo, and people have strong biases toward preserving the status quo. It is embedded in every element of our lives, from hiring to engagement rings to marketing bath products to physical safety (did you know they sell pink tasers, for women?) to the sheets we sleep on (what’s your thread count? are your sheets “sage” or “dusty rose”? why are these things supposed to be things women, but not men, care about?). The political is the personal. The personal is the political. Every time you run up against a situation in your life with gendered overtones–every time someone says, “Aren’t you glad you have a man around to fix things?” or “So, when are you two going to have children?” or “Do you need me to get that for you?”, you have the option to say: No. I will not conform to your expectations. To avoid saying that out of fear of conflict is understandable, eminently understandable, but that cannot be our excuse every time–sometimes we must have conflict in order for our society to grow.
From http://sciencefictionstyle.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-patriarchy-feminism-and.html:
But do I think a woman has to do all of them to be a feminist? Hell no. Feminism is a big movement. I’d have to be an idiot to think I had the only line on the One Twoo Way. I think I’m right, but I also know that there are a lot of women out there, and that they may or may not agree with me–particularly about the details. That’s one of the most critical elements of the discussion about any social movement: we have to respect each other. I may think I’m right, but I don’t know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that my way is the right way, or the only way. To respect those of you who share my goal, a society in which women’s rights are truly equal to men’s rights, is utterly imperative.
…
It breaks my heart when I see people of all stripes who want the same thing–equality–sabotage each other. It’s part of identity politics. Who gets to be a “real” anything? Who gets to decide who a “real” feminist is?
…
I’m certainly not going to take up the mantle of Supreme High Poohbear (I’m told it’s actually “poobah” or something like that, but that’s the way I’ve always said it) and dole out “authenticity” to the feminists of the world. Your decisions, your beliefs, your values and morals, are your own. It is not my place to grant you a label. It is not anyone’s place to do that. You define yourself; you decide, for yourself, whether you want to be whatever you think a “feminist” is. You may never call yourself a feminist, and you may lead a life of power, dignity, and strength that helps level the playing field.
.-= Suzanne´s last blog ..Choose to Think Positive =-.
You know, you may be right, Suzanne. I have been quite put off by the Department of Education’s assumption that I am failing to adequately prepare my child for life. I’m all up in arms over that issue and, when this one fell in my lap, it must’ve been the proverbial straw.
I love these links you have added here… fabulous reading material. My favorite parts from the texts you highlighted are:
1. “In my experience dealing with conflict, attempts to change my opponent may fail, but changing how I deal with my opponent can transform my situation for the better.”
2. …sometimes we must have conflict in order for our society to grow.”
3. “You may never call yourself a feminist, and you may lead a life of power, dignity, and strength that helps level the playing field.”
Awesomeness! I’m headed over to read the full texts now.
THANKS!!
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Hi Lisis – I’m a feminist and I love this topic. Here’s my take: we live in an extremely polarized society right now, at least in America, and the media and political climate have puffed the “Mommy Wars” up into something that’s pretty far from the actual beliefs of the majority of women. I think most women support one another’s choices, and this is the modern day equivalent of the classic female stereotypes: at each other’s throats, a good old cat fight! Maybe you’ve seen the old movie, “The Women,” or read the book by Clare Booth Luce? Entertaining to be sure, but not real life for most of us.
That said, I do think whatever else feeds the Mommy Wars resides deep below the surface where there is unspoken, unrecognized guilt. Moms working outside the home worry they’re not doing enough for their kids, and lash out. Moms working inside the home worry they’re not living up to their potential, and lash out. (And all find the perfect climate in which to do so, btw). To me, it’s classic shadow stuff. All perception is projection. (I’m not saying this is you, I’m just talking generalities here.)
Adding fuel to the fire is a truth: we hang a tremendous amount of identity in this country on what a person does for a living. And a woman’s work inside the home has never been particularly valued, but rather expected, as a duty and obligation. But certainly one that pales in comparison to the chief breadwinner’s role. That belief goes back about, oh, a couple of millenia. Long before the women’s movement.
On a different but similar note, there have been some worrisome statistics around of late that show women who are out of the traditional workforce for protracted lengths of time face much higher poverty rates down the road than their working sisters, especially if they are divorced. Anecdotally, I’ve worked with quite a few midlife, divorced women trying to return to work, and it is tough for them. They never expected their lives to turn out that way. Usually, they can’t find work again without additional training. And I worry about the future too, since there are predictions that many of the jobs that were lost with this recession will never come back. Although women in general have fared better than men in this recession, women 45 and older have not.
Bottom line, I think everyone, men and women alike, should be supported to live their lives the way they want to. And as a woman who chose not to have kids, I have the greatest respect for those who do, because that’s a job that lasts a lifetime. But I have to tell you, I’ve gotten a lot of strange reactions about my choice too. People often don’t get it, and think you’re weird if you don’t have kids by choice. Second only to the party question, “What do you do for a living?” is, “Do you have kids?”
.-= Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Does the Truth Hurt? =-.
Hey, Patty! So true… all of this. Why is it that we expect people of a certain age to have a career AND children? We still haven’t embraced the option of CHOOSING not to have kids as being as valid as procreation. We, as a society, just assume every woman wants to have babies. But many times the “babies” are our productive endeavors, the joy and magic we create and put out into the world. And there is not a thing wrong with that. Good for you for knowing what you want, and making the right choice for your life.
The other issue you mentioned here is one I’ve been tempted to write about… “just in case”. I know many women who ended up divorced after 10, 15, 20 years of staying at home. Going back into the workforce is a huge challenge for them psychologically (since they aren’t accustomed to working) and professionally (no resume or recent experience to speak of). Of course, none of them ever EXPECTED to find themselves in that situation when they chose to stay home in the first place.
I have been tempted on a few occasions by the “just in case” mentality to keep working, at least part time… to keep some skin in the game in case one day I need to return to it. But then I realized, I’d be forfeiting time in my present life (the one with my husband and young son) for the possibility that I MIGHT need to work later on down the road. It’s almost like I expect the marriage to end, and I wonder if that would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Anyway, I decided to be 100% in this present moment, and 100% trusting in this marriage (and life). If 5 or 10 years from now it turns out I have to do something different, well… then I guess I’ll have to get real creative. But in the meantime, that’s 5 or 10 years of fully enjoying every day with my guys… and that’s priceless.
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I was just having this conversation last week with my husband. I never understood why women would tear other women down for choosing not to work outside of the home. I’ve done both and have been fortunate to have great employers where my children were always welcome. Personally, I never planned to be a stay at home mom, it just happened several times along the way.
I do believe the contention stems from guilt in some regards. Not that anyone should feel guilty for their choice, but society puts pressures on us to behave in a certain manner. I have taught my children that peer pressure is just someone else’s insecurity trying to get you to do what they are doing. Doesn’t seem much different from any other of society’s pressures. We need to do what feels right to us and not let others dictate what that is.
And I played the video loud enough for my husband to hear. He recognized the voice right away. I recognized the name, but probably from hearing the hubby speak of him – being as he’s a country boy at heart.
Haha! I learned about Jerry Clower through my hubby, since he’s from Alabama, and listening to his stories is not much different than listening to stories told at Jeff’s family reunions! The age-old tradition of story-telling still runs deep in the hearts of most country folk (and thank God for that!).
Lisis, I couldn’t agree with you more! Whilst I am completely grateful for the work, sacrifice and courage women before me did, made and had to bring women to a mostly level footing, I believe true feminism is having the right to choose. Surely this is something the true feminists would be advocating?
Women judging and putting other women down is a pet hate of mine. It’s one thing we could really learn from the guys – when did you last hear a male bitch about another male?
Great post Lisis. Thank God for your tizzy fits!
.-= Sami – Life, Laughs & Lemmings´s last blog ..Kick Arse Question – Which City are You? =-.
Hey, Sami! First of all, I love that sexy accent. Every time you use the word “whilst” I am reminded that I am talking to an exotic foreigner, and get all giddy inside.
You know, it’s true… guys don’t put each other down quite as much as we do. I mean, they jokingly thrash each other about, and they engage in a good bit of competition (knowing it makes all of them better). But there’s a sort of unspoken brotherhood, a male code rule book they seem to play by.
Maybe we need a girl code, so that when we find ourselves pinned against each other, we actually work together for a win-win, instead of undermining each other’s progress. We could have our own little “Fight Club” for women, to cement our bonding and common purpose.
[...] Mitch’s post on It Takes Guts to Have an Opinion [and voice it] and Lisis’ post on Mommy Wars, the Opt-Out Revolution, and the Right to Choose I gave [...]
Some great quality responses on here! I enjoyed them just as much as the post! I don’t really have anything to add that wasn’t. So thanks for the post!
James´s last [type] ..Signing Up For PrizeRebel
Indeed, as a woman, of course, she needs her own career to fulfill her values, I don’t pro those women who just stay at home and put all their heart on her families,they need to go as their feeling
I have to say, thank God perspective can change. After staying home 11 months with my daughter, I had a new appreciation for the SAHM (or Dad). It is no peice of cake. Not at all. And it is also had to work, as I have done that too.
I think it is a fact that there are no “easy” choices. And it seems as if the grass is always greener. I have many things that tug at my mind- work (I have 16 years towards a gov’t retirement), a PhD – and my heartstrings – a beautiful daughter. And there a great benifits to either choice of a daily career, be it in the home or the workplace. I think we will all learn from one another and benifit from one another if we stop judging one another choices. Yes, I agree Lisis!!!
Hey, Mika! Cool to see you here. I haven’t posted on this blog in about 5 months… so it’s always nice to revisit these from time to time. There definitely are no easy choices once we become parents. It seems like sacrifices have to be made regardless of which path we choose (or need to be on). It’s a constant juggle, really, and it helps when we feel supported by others.