We all have insecurities at one time or another… as parents, as professionals, as people. Most of us are in a constant search for the perfect work/ life balance that allows us to feel good about who we are, and the choices we make.

Recently I did something a little unusual with my insecurities, I exposed them to someone I’d only just met. Christopher Kabamba is a new blogger I stumbled upon a short while ago. I could tell from my first few exchanges with him that he is someone I deeply respect. He has a stillness about him, and an aura of peace and understanding.

In one of his comments he shared this James Allen quote:

“Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of a ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought.”

This triggered something I’d been thinking about for a while. So, although I didn’t know him well at all, I took a chance and laid it on him. What follows is most of our email exchange from that day, in the hopes that it will help other balance-seekers.

*

Lisis to Christopher:

When I started blogging, I felt 100% serene and balanced. I had overcome tragedies, worked through a lot of stuff in my journals, and read lots of philosophy and psychology. I worked HARD at letting go of stress, anxiety, and the internal distractions that keep us from inner peace.

My days consisted of being fully present, playing with Hunter, homeschooling him (and finding ways to make it fun for both of us), wandering around the garden barefooted, making wishes on dandelions, blowing bubbles in the rain… that sort of thing.

It was bliss in our little universe.

I knew that others want that inner peace, simplicity, serenity, and happiness. So I started a blog about my approach to life, hoping I could inspire a few people. As I mentioned in my anniversary post, the journey has had its ups and downs. Fast forward to what life looks like today:

Some days (when the blog is doing well) I feel very excited about it. I can see how it helps others, I love that it has a life of its own, I want to see just how far I can take it. Other days (when it is not doing as well, or my mood is a bit darker) I wish I had never started it. I long for those simpler days when only my son had any claims to my time.

Now, morning, day and night, my mind is on blog stuff… either posts I want to write, or things I need to do, or people I’ve met and want to check in with. Even when I’m playing with my son, I KNOW I am not fully present… I can feel it. It’s as if I had a second baby and IT is taking up most of my time, at Hunter’s expense.

I chose to have only ONE child so that he would have my attention all the time. I chose to leave my post-MBA career so that I could be fully present in his childhood. I chose to homeschool him, so we could have unique, interesting experiences and adventures, while developing a love of learning.

What I want most is to be here with him, fully present and available, creating an awesome childhood experience. And yet… I find myself doing things that are pulling me away from that goal.

What are your initial thoughts about my situation?

Have I forgotten what matters most?

Have I taken on a great project too soon?

*

Christopher’s response:

My first thoughts are that it is not unusual for you to feel that way. You may not see yourself this way, but you are now a leader of many people, and therefore there is demand on your time. You are doing something you feel passionate about so it is not unusual for you to go after it with all your might.

You cannot help but feel that the people you care about most pay the price for your passion. Obviously, that is something you don’t want, hence the incongruent feeling.

The long term solution, as I see it, would be for you to find a “new” balance in the midst of what you have become now. You can’t possibly go back to the Lisis who was 100% balanced before she started blogging without feeling a sense that you are under-utilizing the part of you that can help many people who desperately need help. Plus, as you help others and add value to them you also grow as a conscious being. As you teach, you become the student and you grow from that experience.

You are now a very different Lisis.

You are like elastic that has stretched beyond a certain point and it cannot go back to its former size. I think that going back to the Lisis who was centered before the blog came into life cannot be achieved by abandoning the blog. It will be like you have lost a child. The long term solution is to find balance with this second “child” you now have. This second child came so you could experience growth.

In the short term however, you will have to deal with that negative feeling, the feeling that Hunter has to pay for your blogging pursuits. First, I am glad that you feel that way. It is a sign that you are alive. And my answer to this is: do whatever it takes to deal with that feeling. Whether the feeling is justified or not is not the issue; the issue is that it is there, YOU FEEL IT and it is not a congruent feeling.

The most immediate and practical solution, therefore, may mean that you look at ways of scheduling your blogging pursuits such that you leave enough time to allow you to feel that you are not neglecting Hunter. At the end of the day, you can only do so much based on what the prevailing circumstances are, and you must not feel guilty as long as you have taken care of what you care about most.

I think that we can’t run away from the fact that, at some point, we have to set our priorities anew. That is the short term solution. Getting to a place where you feel Hunter is not paying the price anymore. I want to believe that place exists somewhere, and it doesn’t involve abandoning the blog.

Take it as a personal challenge to find balance within the confines of what your life has become now. Things have changed; you are now a whole different person. That is the reason you had to overcome all those personal tragedies and achieve that initial balance. It was to bring you HERE. From here you will have to achieve the next balance.

One more thing which is sure to be a source of inner conflict has to do with attachment to the success of the blog; it’s because you care and you want it to succeed. Everyone does that. What is important is for you to realize that you have limitations on whether the readers get it or don’t get it. After you hit the publish button, you can do something, but only so much. The blog must have a life of its own, but not but not by taking the life out of you.

It is a delicate balance.

The most important thing is to GLADLY TAKE IT AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE. That is the whole reason we are all around. It’s to take such situations on as personal challenges which we must work through.

*

My answer:

Wow, Christopher… When I sent you the email yesterday, I was thinking, “What am I doing? He barely knows me… he’s gonna think this or that.” But I felt I really needed to send it to YOU, and now I know why. You nailed it 100%.

If only it were as simple as giving up the blog and going back to the way things were. As if I could throw away my computer, never look back, and just settle into LEGOs and dandelions again… but that is not possible now. It’s like you said, this rubber band has been stretched beyond a certain point and will never be the same.

I suppose it IS what moms feel when a second child comes along, especially if the first was an only child for several years. I love them both, and they both matter in different ways, and it now becomes my new challenge to figure out how to live with the two of them without losing myself in the process, or cheating either one of the attention they deserve.

Is it easy? No, but neither is anything else worth doing, and there is no other option. Like you said, if I tried to go back to that simpler life now, part of me would be missing. I wrote a post once about Old Self vs New Self that I just went back and re-read. There is only THIS self, and where I go from here.

That’s the thing about finding balance. Some people think it is a destination, like you find it and stop seeking. But I know, whether we’re walking a tightrope, riding a bike, or trying a yoga pose, staying balanced is a continuous process of tiny adjustments… being in tune with what we feel and correcting accordingly.

Your advice, by the way, is very practical. Since Hunter is what matters most, I need to first carve out HIS time, and determine just how much of me he needs so that neither of us feels he’s paying the price. Then, whatever I can do around that (without losing or exhausting myself) can be devoted to my Q4B baby. If that isn’t enough to grow the blog into all it could be, oh well. There will be time for that sort of thing later.

There is a time for everything, and at this time, I’m caring for a child, and a blossoming new me.

*

What about you?

Are you finding that balance between all the things you want to do, and all the things you have to do? Are you finding time for yourself, as well?

(dandelion)

Exposing Our Insecurities to Find a New Balance is a post from: Quest for Balance

No related posts.

I get asked how I stay thin fairly regularly, because I make no secret of my likes (sweets) and dislikes (cardio, resistance, and endurance training), and yet I weigh less now than I did before pregnancy.

It is tempting to chock it up to genetics, but that’s not really the case. I have lots of family members who are significantly over weight. I attribute my fortuitous circumstance to Free Will (not willpower, as in denying indulgences, but freedom of choice).

Here’s the deal: this is not rocket science. It is a simple equation.

Calories Consumed must be less than or equal to Calories Burned.

I already know, as a given, I will not burn a lot of calories each day; therefore, I can’t consume very many. That’s it. That’s the whole trick to it.

So, what does this look like in real life?

* Most days, I have two meals. I eat brunch around 10 or 11, and I eat the next meal around 5 or 6. My morning starts with coffee, ’cause I’m Costa Rican, and that’s just how it goes. Since I’m not real active, my body doesn’t need much “fuel” to get through a day. When I used to exercise regularly, I was hungry all the time. The more you burn, the more you get to consume.

* If I must eat between meals, I have “fregetables,” or tea. This means fruits or vegetables, as in stuff that grows in gardens and still looks the same when it is at the grocery store as it did the day it was picked. This does not include any dressings, dipping sauces, or creams… just produce, and tea that still looks like leaves.

* “Goodies” are not on my grocery list, and don’t make it in my cart. At any given time, if you look in my fridge, you will see condiments, eggs, dairy, and produce. My pantry has rice, beans, oats, and pasta (for Hunter). If there is no “junk” in the house, most of the time (especially late at night), I won’t eat it.

* If I must buy “goodies” (when I have visitors), I store them strategically. My refrigeration habits are a bit backwards, because I keep the most perishable stuff, like fregetables, on the racks. Any “junk” (if we have it) is in the drawers at the bottom, or hidden behind things. If I was faced with the goodies every time I opened the fridge, I’d go for them first, on impulse. Hiding them is a preemptive psychological strike.

* I keep a mental calorie “budget”. If I know I will be eating pizza tonight, I consume very little during the day. If today was a “special occasion” (aka: excuse to strap on the feed trough), I’d consume less for the next three to five days. I may pass on the wine to have dessert. I usually take half the meal home (to have dessert). I have only a limited amount of calories to play with, so I “spend” them sparingly.

Keep in mind:

1. I do not own a scale. I gauge my weight based on how my clothes fit (and the occasional doc visit).

2. I don’t have a set number of daily or weekly calories. Count calories? See #1.

3. I eat anything I want, in moderation. My gauge for moderation? See #1.

4. I allow for emotional eating days, knowing I’ll consume extra calories at times.

5. I DON’T allow EVERY day to be an emotional eating day. When my clothes don’t fit like they should, I start to evaluate what is making me want to eat.

6. I don’t mind feeling hungry sometimes. I figure it is because I’m in a calorie deficit (aka: burning fat), and don’t feel the pressing need to immediately remedy the situation.

7. I work hard at staying thin… just not in the “no pain, no gain” sort of way.

8. I have no medical or scientific findings to support my approach, but I really don’t care. Life is too short to worry about every little thing. I’m basically healthy, and I truly despise intentional exercise. I can’t help it.

Basically, the way I stay thin is I constantly choose:

to pass on some things so I can have others;

to limit my portion sizes so I can eat anything;

to reduce temptation by shopping smart;

to fill in the gaps between meals with fregetables;

to embrace my Sedentary Nature, and make it work for me… like the sloth, in Life of Pi:

“The three-toed sloth lives a peaceful, vegetarian life in perfect harmony with its environment. ‘A good-natured smile is forever on its lips,’ reported Tirler (1966). I have seen that smile with my own eyes. I am not one given to projecting human traits and emotions onto animals, but many a time during that month in Brazil, looking up at sloths in repose, I felt I was in the presence of upside-down yogis deep in meditation or hermits deep in prayer, wise beings whose intense imaginative lives were beyond the reach of my scientific probing.” –Yann Martel

No matter what “they” say, we aren’t all created equal. Some babies have a crazy high metabolism, and are active from day one (like my hubby). Some aren’t quite so high-strung, and enjoy calm, quiet activities (like me).

I’m getting a little tired of constantly being told I NEED daily exercise by people who haven’t learned how to sit still and be at peace. Believe it or not, we don’t all NEED exactly the same things. He who speaks loudest isn’t always right.

What do YOU think?

Is it possible to live a normal, healthy life, enjoying the things we love while avoiding the things we hate… even if what we hate is the holiest of holies that NO ONE can live without, “exercise”?

Or, are you pretty certain I’m doomed to suffer the wrath of the gods for refusing to do as I’m told?

(Photo Credit)

How I Stay Thin Despite My Neurotic Aversion to Intentional Exercise, and Obsessive Love of Desserts is a post from: Quest for Balance

No related posts.

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.” –John Ruskin

Well, it is now officially snowing in Vermont. I believe the first day we got a foot of snow, which, in Georgia would’ve qualified as enough to shut down the entire State. The second day we got a bunch more and, after that, I stopped keeping track.

There is a LOT of snow, and the snowflakes are so huge that they don’t all fall DOWN. Some of them just float around, defying gravity, prolonging their joyful dance until they are so exhausted, they flop down on top of the others to help erase all the little differences on the surface of the world.

It is a sight to behold.

“The snow itself is lonely or, if you prefer, self-sufficient. There is no other time when the whole world seems composed of one thing and one thing only.” –Joseph Wood

Many of you have been wondering (as I have) how I would feel about the snow, since I am a girl from the tropics. I absolutely LOVED autumn in Vermont, but who doesn’t? Stick season, to be honest, got kind of boring because it was cold and gray and, well… just plain cold. Snow season, on the other hand, isn’t just cold… it’s beautifully breathtaking. Magical, even.

I love it.

Consider however, that I stay at home, and Hunter is homeschooled. So, the only time we have to be out in it, is when we feel like playing, or having an adventure (as seen in these pictures). I’m sure that makes all the difference in the world. Jeff, on the other hand, has to go to work most days.

So, for people who are new to the snow AND actually have to be out in it, whether they want to or not, I thought I’d put together a list of ten tips I’ve learned in the past three days… some of them the hard way.

*

1. When you park, keep your windshield wipers UP.

I’m not entirely sure what happens if you don’t, but I’m guessing it has something to do with freezing them in an unusable position because of the cold and weight of the snow. Hunter and I discovered this as we walked around town and saw 90% of the parked cars had their wipers pointing straight up. The other 10% are probably tourists, or noobs.

2. Remove the snow above the driver door BEFORE you open it.

Jeff learned this lesson on his first snowy work day, when he ended up with a pile of snow in the driver’s seat. Snow has a wonderful way of making us aware of the effects of gravity… which brings us to #3.

3. Don’t stand or park directly under awnings, or close to buildings.

It is mind-boggling how MUCH snow accumulates on the roof of each house and, when it warms up, how heavy the snow that will suddenly fall can be. Not only that, but icicles! I don’t mean cute little icicles like the ones dangling on the bushes. I mean four-foot, lethal weapons threatening to let go of their second-story perch! Most tall buildings have signs that say, “Watch for falling ice and snow.” I say, “Yeah… What they said.”

4. Walking in snow is like walking in water.

Whenever I am at the beach, I like to walk as far as I can go in about a foot of water, kicking up spray as I go along. It’s fun and misty and magical, and it makes me feel like a kid. (Plus, it makes for a nicer tan, fyi.) I noticed that the same thing happens in a foot of powdery snow… it kicks up beautifully, and hangs in the wind.

The flip side of that is, like water, snow provides a bunch of resistance. So, when you are deciding how far you are going to trek through the snow, consider in your calculations that your feet will sink INTO the snow, and it is infinitely more tiring (and a better workout) than walking on a hard surface.

5. When you see a beautiful mound of fluffy snow, don’t throw yourself on top of it.

Odds are, there is probably something UNDER it. This is one Hunter discovered (with his knee,) and probably applies more to kids, who find it absolutely necessary to jump on, or kick, any mound of snow they see. Nine out of ten times, the mound is there because something solid (and painful) lurks beneath.

6. Waterproof yourself from head to toe.

The first day I went out in it, I had waterproof boots, gloves, and jacket… but my pants and hat were not waterproof. Since it was snowing, my hat was soon soaked (no longer warm) and, when I knelt or sat, my pants were soaked (no longer warm). Noobs have a tendency to forget that snow = water, and when it gets on non-waterproof articles of clothing, it will mercilessly soak you to the bone. Fortunately, Hunter was completely waterproof, because he BURIED himself in snow!

7. That horrible noise you hear at three or four in the morning, that sounds like the SWAT Team is rolling in to ambush you, is probably just the city snow plow.

Unless, of course, you are a fugitive, in which case it may BE the SWAT Team coming to get you (and I don’t have any good advice for what to do in that scenario.) As awful as it is to hear that sound, it really is pretty handy to have them out there getting the roads ready to be driven on for the morning commute. It makes the snow brown and yucky, but greatly increases the odds of you safely getting to where you are going.

*

8. To make a snowman, you need the right kind of snow.

The first day, I tried to teach Hunter how to make a snowman with powdery snow. That’s like trying to make one out of flour… none too effective. By the second day, it had melted enough to stick together and pack tightly. This is precisely the kind of snow needed for making snowmen and, coincidentally, for having snowball fights. If it’s too melty, though, you might be having an ice-ball fight… which has “E.R. Visit” written all over it.

(As a side note, having wind chimes around when you are playing in the snow, creates the illusion that you are actually in Narnia, and may keep you on the lookout for magical, dancing fawns. Or, maybe that’s just me.)

9. Certain things don’t work as well in the cold and snow.

For instance, brakes. I have learned that it is best to use lower gears to slow down, instead of applying the brakes. Also, regular tires are not so great. You really should get snow tires put on sometime in the Fall. Oh, and cameras get a little finicky if the temperature drops too low. Ours won’t even turn on when it gets cold enough. So, if you are going on a snowy adventure, make sure your camera works in the cold.

10. Safety tip: A thick layer of snow can completely cover just about anything.

When Hunter and I were walking around the corn field today, we noticed that what is left of the stalks was just below the surface. If you tripped and fell on one of those, you would seriously put an eye out… or worse. Beyond that was a slight indentation in the field… which turned out to be an almost frozen creek. It was just frozen enough for snow to pile up on top of it and camouflage the potential danger below. So, before you go traipsing off in the endless fields of snow, make sure you KNOW what lies beneath.

That’s it. That is all I’ve learned in my first three days of snow.

What about YOU?

Do you have any useful tips for snow noobs, like me?

“The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.” –Doug Larson

Thanks!!!

Ten Useful Tips for Snow Noobs, Like Me is a post from: Quest for Balance

No related posts.

This is me, in my current cocoon… isn’t it lovely? If I’ve got to curl up and wait for my next phase to begin, I might as well do it in style, right?

I didn’t want to spin my cocoon right now; I tried to fight it off. But the cold, the darkness, and a few other factors all conspired against me, held me down, and whispered in my ear, “It is time to turn inward and begin the metamorphosis.”

I protest, “What metamorphosis? I like where I am now! What’s coming next?”

The answer, “You’ll see…”

That’s all I know.

It’s been almost a year since I started this blog. At the time I had no idea what blogging even was; I wrote only in my journals. Today I looked back at the last page of my journal at the end of 2008, and this is what I found:

So this is it, the last page of this journal. Time to get a new one. Time to start something else. Perhaps, in my next journal, I can embrace the solitude, the isolation, the sorrow… feel it, experience it, write about it. I could write short stories, essays, poems and regular journal entries. Maybe I can commit to writing every single day. It’ll give me something to do. I can keep myself company.

I wonder if I should write about specific topics, or just let my mind wander untethered? I wonder if anything I write will be useful to anyone other than me? I wonder if I will produce only useless, depressing drivel?

It’s always a little emotional for me when I complete one journal… one collection of ideas from a certain phase in my life. I’m not sure how to begin the next one… the next journal, the next phase.

I guess my next journal ended up being this blog. I would like to think at least some of it was not useless drivel, and that along the way one or two people were helped by it.

I really don’t know where I’m headed next, or what direction this blog will take. I’ve been spending my days doing random things, like hanging out with Hunter, watching Star Trek repeatedly (I love that movie!), reading, thinking, feeling, writing in my journals, and spinning my lovely cocoon.

Maybe this counts as my new adventure? In any case, it is necessary and, as Spock’s daddy so eloquently said, “What is necessary is never unwise.”

One of these days my metamorphosis will be complete, and I will have my new direction and, hopefully, something worth sharing with the world.

Thank You!!!

PS: Even in my pink cocoon, I still have email. It’s a Wi-Fi hot spot.

(Photo Credit)

Adventure? Feeling Trapped in My Lovely Cocoon is a post from: Quest for Balance

No related posts.

Curious?

Join me on the Front Porch over at Jane Be Nimble for a totally random story about my coolest job ever. What was your coolest job? Don’t forget to share it in the comments so we can do some good, old fashioned story swapping.

Thanks!!

(Photo Credit)

The Coolest Job I Never Had is a post from: Quest for Balance

No related posts.