Stress kills. Period. Stress, anxiety, worry, fear, panic… these sorts of things start as psychological or emotional discomforts, but end up manifesting as physical illnesses. Our bodies create symptoms as a red flag to our brains: “Whatever you are doing, STOP IT!!!”

Recently I told you I was waiting for a diagnosis, because I felt worse than I’d ever felt in my life. My blood work, chest X-rays, and EKG all came back squeaky clean. I’m fit as a fiddle (contrary to all probability, given my lifestyle). This was great news, but didn’t answer the question of why I felt like I was dying.

As it turns out, the answer seems to be… stress.

The doc and I had actually dismissed this possible diagnosis early on in the question-and-answer session because I’m about as chillaxed as a person can get. I don’t work, my kid doesn’t go to school, I don’t have complicated family relations, or any of the usual stress factors. I’m not over-scheduled, frazzled, or spreading myself too thin. I don’t exactly fit the “stress case” profile–I’m a case study in how to remain calm. So we went ahead with the testing, just to be safe.

Once I passed all my tests with flying colors (I’ve always been a great test-taker, you know) we started digging deeper… below the surface. What I’m realizing is that there is such a thing as too chillaxed. I may be relaxing myself to death. Because I am so determined to keep a mellow vibe, live a simple life, remain calm and not let things bother me, what I’m doing instead is bottling up stuff inside.

I don’t freak out; I internalize. I don’t take frustrations out on others (which is nice), but I swallow them whole (projecting them onto my vital organs). Remaining calm in stressful situations is good in that it keeps the stress level from escalating into dangerous territory, but this only works if the stressful emotions are resolved in a healthy fashion.

I need to find an outlet for life’s little “bite my lip and grind my teeth” moments. These are a few tricks I use, when something stressful happens, to stay level-headed and effective:

1. DON’T PANIC – This reminds me to keep my head on straight… and makes me think of Douglas Adams, which always makes me smile.

2. TAKE THE PLACEBO – Everyone has some thing or some ritual that they firmly believe helps them relax. Whether it is scientifically proven to work or not is irrelevant. What matters is that it works for the individual… maybe it’s yoga, meditation, exercise, drinking a cup of chamomile tea, whatever. I like to do the ritual upfront, so I can breathe deeply (oxygenate my brain for optimal function).

3. GATHER INFORMATION – This is like the discovery process in a legal case, when you gather all relevant information, files, research, phone numbers, and anything else that even remotely pertains to the problem you are trying to solve. The trick is to not spend too much time in this phase, so get what you really need and move on.

4. MAKE LIST 1 – These are the variables you CAN control… it’s your to-do list, items you will need to accomplish in the next day, or week, or month, in order to solve the problem.

5. MAKE LIST 2 - These are things that worry you, but you can do nothing about. For instance, you CAN book a last minute flight. You might panic that the weather may delay your flight, but you CAN’T do anything about the weather. So this goes on List 2. You have acknowledged it as an item that worries you, but you are putting it out of your head for the time being, in order to focus on List 1.

6. TACKLE LIST 1 – Start checking items off this list. Anything you CAN do, relatively easily, should be handled right away so you can make progress towards a solution and have something to occupy your mind instead of worrying. Getting some things accomplished will help you feel relief right away.

7. REACH OUT – Share your burden with someone else. Maybe you talk to friends or family, or a therapist, or the blogosphere, but find someone to talk to about things. Sometimes just getting the thoughts out of your head makes them a little less daunting.

8. REVISIT LIST 2 – When you have completed all the items on List 1, take another look at List 2. By this point, some time has passed, and you may be calmer (better able to deal with the uncertainties). You may also notice that much of what you CAN do has been done, and there isn’t that much left to worry about. Now is the time to practice faith, trust, and patience. Sometimes we just have to wait. Breathe.

(I had items 9 and 10 on this list, but decided they didn’t add much value… and I’m not that obsessed with round numbers.)

What I’m missing now is the “What to do with toxic emotions once a crisis has been averted” part.

Two options I keep coming back to are:

9. Write – Sometimes I write in journals, or I post on the blog. Sometimes I furiously fill a page with all my rage, then rip it to pieces or set in on fire. These things tend to get the thoughts out of my head, but don’t actually solve anything. I am still left feeling… helpless.

10. Play – Many times when I am facing stressful conditions, I step away from them and immerse myself in Hunter’s world. Kids live in the present moment, and focus only on the things they are interested in. This serves as a lovely distraction, for a while, but it isn’t a long term solution.

But the thing is, when I’ve exhausted all of my coping mechanisms, there are some “issues” that remain… that will always be there, that I can do NOTHING about, but must learn to co-exist with. Some issues are hugely painful, terribly unfair, and not at all things I’ll ever be OK with… but, so what? Who ever said life would be fair?

Sometimes the things that stress us out don’t go away, and don’t get resolved, and never get better. What then?

I’m asking, really, because I don’t have a neat and tidy answer… obviously, or I probably wouldn’t have ended up in the doctor’s office. So now I want to know:

What do YOU do when life sits you in a corner, against a wall, and says, “On this particular issue, you will get NOTHING… and like it”? I mean, after crying, pouting, kicking and screaming… then what?

Thanks!!!

(Photo Credit)

Remaining Calm in Stressful Situations is a post from: Quest for Balance

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This week I have the distinct pleasure of putting Vermont’s universal health care system to the test.

For a few weeks now, I haven’t felt exactly right. I can feel my heart beating harder than it should, my chest hurts, my cycles are all screwed up, and I feel like I’m breathing through a straw… at 10,000 feet above sea level.

For the record, I’m not usually a hypochondriac. In fact, I go to great lengths to avoid seeing anyone in the medical profession, for reasons I won’t get into right now. If anything, I have a tendency to downplay the significance of my symptoms. But I have a new theory that EVERYONE becomes a hypochondriac while waiting for a diagnosis. The degree of paranoia is directly related to the amount of time one has to wait.

I wonder if it was always like this, or if this is a relatively new phenomenon, created by easy access to too much information?

For instance, during my first appointment, the doc said it MIGHT be anemia… and we had to wait on the lab test results. Now I will say that I didn’t have to wait at all to see the doc (no hours spent in a waiting room), and the results were back in less than 24 hours. So far, so good with this Vermont system.

At this point, I have no idea what’s going on. The doc did tell me my lungs are perfectly healthy, but they are working overtime to compensate for something else that is preventing me from getting the oxygen I need delivered to… well, everywhere in my body. That “something else” is either a blood issue (hence the anemia guess), or a heart issue.

So, what ELSE am I going to do while I wait? I Googled “anemia”. Even one hour is an ETERNITY, when you have access to this kind of stuff:

Google Health * Mayo Clinic * Web MD * Wikipedia * Women’s Health

TOO much information! Knowledge may be power, but this is just sadistic. Did one of those say there are 400 types of anemia?!

The thing about having too much information is that you might as well have none at all. You can’t process it in a useful way… it is meaningless. (Kinda like when the forecast says, “50% chance of rain”… “it might rain, or it might not” is NOT helpful.) And, in the absence of useful information, we tend to make up stuff… stuff that’s probably much worse than anything reality will throw at us.

After Googling, I Tweeted and Facebooked for a while, trying to vent a little of the angst of not knowing (apologies to my Twitter and Facebook friends who had to read my rambling streams).

Then I started to worry about whether my “affairs” were in order (as in life insurance, not adultery).

Then I started to panic because I’m even thinking about my “affairs”.

And then I joined Hunter in his fort to listen to Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events, on audio.

This seemed to do the trick. Immersing myself in a child’s world removes me from the actual world, and any of its various and sundry grownup affairs.

But I can’t stay in the fort forever.

Can I?

Well, I got the lab results back and, despite the fact that I am now an expert in anemia, it turns out I am not anemic after all. So… yay for healthy lungs, and yay for healthy blood, and not-so-yay for the fact that I’m still waiting for a diagnosis.

Step Two takes place today, and will consist primarily of X-rays. Then, depending on what we learn from those, I might be visiting the EKG tech person. It sounds like I may be waiting a few more days, at least.

Not-so-yay for that.

Maybe by the end of today I’ll have a few more potential conditions to Google (probably not a good thing). By this weekend, I’ll be a full-blown hypochondriac!

Or, I may just stay in Hunter’s fort full time.

Anyway, I still don’t know… and it drives me nuts. But I thought I’d share the ups and downs of this little journey with you, so you’d know where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, and why I’m not blogging much these days. I guess you could say my heart and mind are elsewhere right now.

What about you?

Have you ever been in the “waiting for a diagnosis” phase? If so, how did you stay sane?

(Photo Credit)

How to Stay Sane While Waiting for a Diagnosis is a post from: Quest for Balance

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It’s been a couple of weeks since my last Road to Freedom Update, so I figure we’re due for another one. I can’t say that too much has changed as a result of Jeff (my husband) quitting his job (our only income), because we’ve been in vacation mode since the first week of August. Now we’re home, back to real life… sort of.

However, there are three things I would like to mention:

1. Mortgage Status

- We ended up paying for August and September. After my conversation with the bank, I had the distinct impression that I should miss my payment since a) we have no job, and b) the bank can’t help us until we are behind on payments.

Then one of my readers commented that I could be sued if the bank considers that I was “able to pay” but chose not to. This begs the question, Who determines if I am “able to pay”? But I decided it wasn’t worth the stress of potential litigation while we were on our road trip, so I paid for August.

As it turns out, there’s some truth to what he was saying and I really need to look into it further… so I just paid September, too. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe the house will sell soon and we won’t be behind on payments or have to be foreclosed on, which would spare our credit.

Or, maybe we’ll just go broke that much faster so we won’t be “able to pay” and they will be stuck with our house fair and square. Who knows? But the mortgage is current at this point… we haven’t skipped a payment.

2. Confusing Signs

- I believe the Universe works in mysterious ways, that there is a reason for everything, and that “signs” are everywhere to show us the way. But lately these signs have seemed “Curiouser and curiouser,” to borrow a phrase from Alice in Wonderland. I see signs everywhere but I have no idea what they mean, or if they are even intended for me. Maybe I’m stumbling across someone else’s cosmic signs!

It feels a bit like a giant connect-the-dots, where I’ve connected numbers 1 through 5, out of a possible 1000. I don’t know what the finished picture is supposed to look like. I am certain that when I look back at it later, it will all make sense; but right now my signs seem to be in a foreign language.

To be perfectly honest, it’s a little frustrating.

3. To Plan, or Not to Plan?

- Several friends and family members are concerned about us because we don’t have a plan… we’re hoping to “find our way” to the next phase of our life. Jeff and I have been married ten years (tomorrow!) and have always planned our next steps. Most often, things did not turn out “as planned”.

Nadia usually reminds me that, if I want to make God laugh, I should tell him my plans. There’s really not much difference between having NO plan and having a plan that may or may not work out… is there? The only difference is the (possibly false) sense of security that comes with having a plan.

The level of uncertainty we are experiencing is not for the faint of heart, and would likely test even the strongest of marriages. We’ve had our moments of doubt, fear, worry, anxiety… call it whatever you like. But most of the time our Faith is strong and we know this will work out for the best.

Bottom Line: If we had this decision to make over again, would we do it? 100% YES.

What about YOU?

How do you handle uncertainty? Do you feel it’s better to have a plan (that may or may not work out), or simply wait and see what happens?

Thanks!!

Road to Freedom Update #3: Facing Uncertainty is a post from: Quest for Balance

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When I announced that we were leaving the rat race with no Plan B, I got basically two reactions from readers. Most are completely excited and happy for us because we’ve escaped the golden handcuffs. But a significant number are worried about the practical realities of this move… how is it actually going to work out? In essence, we have become guinea pigs for others who have considered making such a decision but aren’t sure it is safe to do so.

I hope to chronicle this latest adventure in a few different ways, so as to paint as complete a picture as possible. My first rule is to not spend ALL of my time blogging because I want to be fully present in everything we are going through, rather than buried in my laptop. So, at least during August, my posts won’t be as long, and some of them may just be photos with captions.

The posts I do write about this adventure will likely fall into one of these categories:

Spirit of Adventure: Cool stuff we’re doing throughout our journey.

Real Life Gurus: People I meet who are interesting or teach me something about life.

Road to Freedom Updates: The practical realities of our situation, including emotional and psychological effects.

I don’t think it would be fair to write only about the cool and adventurous things we’re doing because, the reality is, this is a risky decision that is not without uncomfortable consequences. If we are going to live up to our role as guinea pigs, we need to report the good, the bad, and the ugly stuff we’re going through. And if you have specific questions about something I haven’t addressed, by all means, email them to me and I’ll include my answers in the RTF Updates.

So, having established that whole preamble, here’s my first Road to Freedom Update:

1.”Frienemies”

- One of the first things we noticed after Jeff quit his job was a change in the way our friends treat us. I guess it’s because they can’t commiserate with us about how tough and unfair life is, or how screwed we all are by this recession. Maybe they feel we have abandoned them, or they simply can’t relate to us.

For the most part, they find it baffling that Jeff doesn’t know when or where he will start work again, or how much money he will make… it seems like an irresponsible risk to take.

2. Mortgage

- As soon as it was official, I called the bank to talk about my mortgage situation. I wanted to keep them “in the loop” rather than simply stop paying. I was hoping they might let me skip a payment or two and tack it on at the end, to give the house time to sell. They do offer several programs to help owners avoid foreclosure, but I have to be behind on payments first.

So… for the first time in my life, I’m not making my next mortgage payment. It feels really weird because I have astronomically fantastic credit, and used to be an accountant (obsessive about paying bills on time), but… the reality is, we may need that money just to survive so I can’t part with it now.

3. Bill Reduction

- As of August 1, we will have no cable t.v. or land line (will keep the cell phone, and internet). In addition, I will try to put our student loans in deferment. Just these changes will save us about $300 per month. We also need to cut back on electricity (air conditioning in the summer), water consumption, and anything else we can think of. I know at some point we may have to give up internet as well, and use the library or Wi-Fi hotspots, instead.

4. Groceries

- My shopping list changed drastically right away. Now I’m buying more pasta, potatoes, rice, and onions. I know it’s an Atkins diet nightmare, but it’s cheap and will fill us up. I’m also using corn flour and water to make tortillas, then adding beans and produce to make a fairly nutritious and affordable meal.

Basically, I’m shopping and cooking like a Costa Rican now. I even gave up my favorite coffee creamer, and will stick with milk and sugar, instead. Truthfully, I should’ve been doing this all along.

5. Insurance

- A few days after Jeff turned in his notice, he had a bike wreck on the road. He got scuffed up a good bit and slammed his head into the pavement hard enough to crack his helmet. He had a mild concussion, but basically is fine. Mostly what this did was remind us that it could have been much worse. He could’ve suffered a traumatic head injury, or been hit by a car!

Aside from the emotional and psychological “life is fragile” effect this had, it added to our fear of being without medical insurance. For as long as we can, we will keep Hunter on COBRA coverage because of his prior surgeries; but Jeff and I won’t be covered at all. This is a big deal… at least in the States.

6. Sunday Syndrome

- This is what I had started to call that black cloud that appeared in our house every Sunday, as Jeff began to think about going back to work the following day. It is no exaggeration when I tell you that what happened on Sundays was one of the main reasons I wanted him to quit. ANYTHING would be better than repeatedly feeling the weight of that misery in our home.

It wasn’t good for our marriage, our health, or our son. That cloud has completely vanished. Now we are a little nervous, but decidedly NOT miserable anymore. We have some moments of anxiety… thinking, “What if the savings run out before we find another source of income?” But, by and large, we mostly feel relieved, and happy to be alive.

Bottom Line: If we had this decision to make over again, would we do it? 100% YES

If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments, or email me:

MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com

Thanks!!!

(Photo Credit)

Road To Freedom Update #1: First Impressions is a post from: Quest for Balance

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When I was in college I did something my father had expressly forbidden: I jumped out of an airplane. Since it was forbidden, I couldn’t very well go to skydiving classes and learn the process a little at a time. So, instead, I did a tandem jump with an instructor, from 15,000 feet.

I remember calling my friend, Melissa, that day and saying, “Don’t tell my parents, but I’m about to go skydiving at Perris airfield… I just wanted someone to know, in case I don’t come back.” In other words, I was well aware of the risk I was taking, but I had to do it anyway. Why? Because the thought of it scared me to death! It was something I felt I needed to conquer, even if it meant breaking the rules.

There are several things I’ll never forget about that day. When I was falling, I didn’t feel like I was falling… I felt like I was flying, just like a bird. The free fall wasn’t as quick or scary as I expected it to be; I really got to enjoy the journey. The moment the chute opened, I thought my arms and legs had been ripped off of my body, because of that stupid harness. I ended up with suspicious looking bruises for a week after that.

But the main thing I won’t forget is that moment, just before taking the step out of the plane. I remember looking over at the pilot and asking him if he wanted to switch places with me. He said, “The only way I’m jumping out of this airplane is if it’s on fire.” No luck. I had to do it. Those last few minutes on the plane felt ETERNAL.

I looked around the cabin of the Cessna 172, thinking about how safe I felt in there. Then I looked at the tiny roads far below me, thinking that if the jump didn’t kill me, it would certainly make me stronger. I heard the countdown… three, two, one, GO!!!

And suddenly…

the fear was gone.

The journey had begun.

I made it past the toughest part, and was simply enjoying the ride.

Last week, for several days, I felt like I did those last few minutes in the plane. We had a BIG decision to make: should Jeff stay in his unfulfilling corporate job for the safety and security of having an income and benefits, or should we leave it behind in search of a more authentic life?

We had been here before. In 2004, he left his job and we went to Costa Rica for a year. But at that time we had a decent amount of money saved up, we sold our house, and we weren’t in a recession… we fully expected to find a job when we came back. Now we have very little in savings, a mortgage on a house we probably can’t sell, and aren’t terribly optimistic about the job market. These variables make it a MUCH scarier decision this time.

But you know what? We’re sick and tired of living on autopilot, just waiting for something to change before things get exciting… waiting to sell the house, or find a job, or waiting for every last duck to be in a row before we start fully living. What if those ducks never get in a row and we are stuck in The Waiting Place forever? We’ve decided to reverse the process: we are going to DO some exciting things, and MAKE change happen.

It’s time to take a leap of faith… to walk away from something known and certain, and towards whatever life has in store for us. We’re stepping onto “the invisible path”. The thing about doing this is you have to have FAITH… you have to BELIEVE everything will turn out fine, even with no concrete proof. You have to be OK with just letting go and letting life happen.

Jeff quit his job!!! This was not easy, particularly since he was  the only source of income and insurance for our family. Shortly after Jeff called me to say it was official, I got to thinking about just how tough that decision had to be for him. I called him back to tell him I was so proud of him for not taking the easy way out. I’m proud of him for daring to take a chance, and wanting to make the most of his life. I’m proud of him because he values life more than money.

I don’t know if you watched the movie (or read the book) Revolutionary Road, but there was a point in that story where the couple was finally so excited about everything because they were walking away from the boring, traditional life they had. They were going to travel, and find themselves. They were renewed as a couple and as individuals… until he was offered more money, and he started to look at things in a more “rational” way. He chose to stay, and she couldn’t take it.

Well, we decided ahead of time that if they offered him more money to stay, he should still walk away. If they tried to entice him with the bonus, he should still walk away. No amount of money is worth wasting your precious few days on this earth just passing the time… wishing the days away, living for weekends and vacations. Now that the decision has been made, the fear is gone. The journey has begun.

So, what now?

Well, that’s just the thing, isn’t it? I read about so many people who leave the rat race to pursue their passion, or focus on their own business… but we have neither a passion, nor a business. We just want to live without an itinerary for a while; see where life takes us.

We are taking a road trip in August. My mom’s family is in upstate New York, near the Adirondacks, so we’ll start in that direction. We want to see the sights along the way, enjoy the detours, and not be in a hurry to reach our destination. From there, we will branch out to Canada, Vermont (home of Ben & Jerry’s!), and anything else that looks interesting.

It’s time to re-invent ourselves and find out what we are made of. Life is too short; we won’t hesitate any more!

I don’t know yet what I want to do about my posting schedule in August… I’m torn between pre-writing posts to keep with my regular schedule, or writing while I’m on my trip, which means I’d post less frequently since I’ll be on the road having adventures. That’s still up for debate, so feel free to voice your opinion on the subject. I thought maybe a Monday (Adventure), Wednesday (Random Topic), Friday (Fellowship) thing might be nice… Thoughts?

Have YOU ever done this? Have you ever taken a huge leap of faith and walked away from a “sure thing”? If so, how did that work out for you? If you haven’t, maybe it’s time you did.

What would YOU choose… your money, or your life?

Thanks!!!

UPDATE (12/5/09): I just wrote a post about The Passion Paradox, and I can no longer advocate quitting a sure thing just to pursue your passion. It isn’t that we regret quitting, but that I don’t believe it is responsible to encourage others to do so.

(Photo Credit)

Adventure: Taking a Giant Leap of Faith is a post from: Quest for Balance

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