As many of you know, I just got back from spending 20 days in Costa Rica with my family. Hunter spent the entire time hanging out with his cousins. Jeff wasn’t able to go with us this time, and I made it a point to stay offline for the duration of the trip. For these reasons, I had a LOT of “me time”… time to think, and to get to know myself.

If I could only give you one bit of advice, it would be this:

KNOW YOURSELF.

I’ve come to realize that there are no right answers… but some feel more “right” than the rest. We each have to find what those answers are.

No matter how much time we spend with others, or how much of ourselves we share, no one else can ever fully know us. We are infinitely too complex and ever-changing to fit neatly into any pattern or profile.

Only we can know ourselves. In any circumstance, at all times, no matter what the variables, only we have full access to the secret chambers of our hearts, and enigmatic labyrinths of our minds.

There are at least ten things we should each know about ourselves, ten questions we should be able to answer with ease:

1. What matters most to me?

2. What bothers me the most (about myself, others, or the world)?

3. Who enriches my life experience?

4. Who makes my life more difficult than it needs to be?

5. What do I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt?

6. What conditions make me happy?

7. What conditions make me miserable?

8. Is there something or someone I can’t live without?

9. Is everything that is in my life necessary, and adding value?

10. Am I making progress towards a goal of my choosing?

These are but a few of the questions I pondered during my three-week sabbatical, and I found my answers for each of them.

You may recall from my post, Costa Rica is Paradise (and Why I Don’t Live There) that, contrary to all probability, I’ve never been inclined to make Costa Rica my permanent home. It is a beautiful country; I love my friends and family there; the food is great, and it’s an all-around wonderful place to be. And yet, as I confirmed again on this trip, it isn’t the place for me.

I will greatly miss my family and friends, but must get back to my life… the one I have chosen, and created… the one that feels right to me. I can do this, and feel certain about my decision, because I know myself.

While I was in Costa Rica, I realized something else about myself: I am not a blogger. I have enjoyed my blogging experiment, and I am so grateful for all the friends I’ve met online, but blogging is not for me. There’s probably no way I could ever explain this in a way that would make sense to everyone, but I know it to be true.

Every great adventure must come to an end, and so it is with this Quest for Balance. The time has come for a new beginning. I wish I could tell you I know what this new phase of my life will look like, but I don’t. I’m just excited to see what comes next.

Of course, I’ll still be “around”… reading my favorite blogs, and reachable by email. But I plan to spend most of my time offline. I don’t want to spend my time reading about life, or even writing about life. I want to be out there, Living it.

“Whatever we may think or believe, what we have done is our story.” (Fulghum)

I hope to DO a bunch of things with this beautiful Vermont Spring… go for nature hikes, grow vegetables in the community garden, dabble in art, take a dance class, visit some covered bridges, spend time with friends, frequent the farmer’s markets, enjoy local cuisine, ride bikes with my family, take lots of pictures, hang out in the library, look for shapes in the clouds… there’s no tellin’, really.

I just want Life, The Universe and Everything to know this:

I’m here… ready, willing and able to make the most of each day. I will not take this life, or the people in it, for granted. I am eternally grateful for all the blessings I’ve been given.

Thank YOU for being here for this awesome journey, and…

So Long!!

10 Things You Should Know About Yourself (aka: “So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish!”) is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Stress kills. Period. Stress, anxiety, worry, fear, panic… these sorts of things start as psychological or emotional discomforts, but end up manifesting as physical illnesses. Our bodies create symptoms as a red flag to our brains: “Whatever you are doing, STOP IT!!!”

Recently I told you I was waiting for a diagnosis, because I felt worse than I’d ever felt in my life. My blood work, chest X-rays, and EKG all came back squeaky clean. I’m fit as a fiddle (contrary to all probability, given my lifestyle). This was great news, but didn’t answer the question of why I felt like I was dying.

As it turns out, the answer seems to be… stress.

The doc and I had actually dismissed this possible diagnosis early on in the question-and-answer session because I’m about as chillaxed as a person can get. I don’t work, my kid doesn’t go to school, I don’t have complicated family relations, or any of the usual stress factors. I’m not over-scheduled, frazzled, or spreading myself too thin. I don’t exactly fit the “stress case” profile–I’m a case study in how to remain calm. So we went ahead with the testing, just to be safe.

Once I passed all my tests with flying colors (I’ve always been a great test-taker, you know) we started digging deeper… below the surface. What I’m realizing is that there is such a thing as too chillaxed. I may be relaxing myself to death. Because I am so determined to keep a mellow vibe, live a simple life, remain calm and not let things bother me, what I’m doing instead is bottling up stuff inside.

I don’t freak out; I internalize. I don’t take frustrations out on others (which is nice), but I swallow them whole (projecting them onto my vital organs). Remaining calm in stressful situations is good in that it keeps the stress level from escalating into dangerous territory, but this only works if the stressful emotions are resolved in a healthy fashion.

I need to find an outlet for life’s little “bite my lip and grind my teeth” moments. These are a few tricks I use, when something stressful happens, to stay level-headed and effective:

1. DON’T PANIC – This reminds me to keep my head on straight… and makes me think of Douglas Adams, which always makes me smile.

2. TAKE THE PLACEBO – Everyone has some thing or some ritual that they firmly believe helps them relax. Whether it is scientifically proven to work or not is irrelevant. What matters is that it works for the individual… maybe it’s yoga, meditation, exercise, drinking a cup of chamomile tea, whatever. I like to do the ritual upfront, so I can breathe deeply (oxygenate my brain for optimal function).

3. GATHER INFORMATION – This is like the discovery process in a legal case, when you gather all relevant information, files, research, phone numbers, and anything else that even remotely pertains to the problem you are trying to solve. The trick is to not spend too much time in this phase, so get what you really need and move on.

4. MAKE LIST 1 – These are the variables you CAN control… it’s your to-do list, items you will need to accomplish in the next day, or week, or month, in order to solve the problem.

5. MAKE LIST 2 - These are things that worry you, but you can do nothing about. For instance, you CAN book a last minute flight. You might panic that the weather may delay your flight, but you CAN’T do anything about the weather. So this goes on List 2. You have acknowledged it as an item that worries you, but you are putting it out of your head for the time being, in order to focus on List 1.

6. TACKLE LIST 1 – Start checking items off this list. Anything you CAN do, relatively easily, should be handled right away so you can make progress towards a solution and have something to occupy your mind instead of worrying. Getting some things accomplished will help you feel relief right away.

7. REACH OUT – Share your burden with someone else. Maybe you talk to friends or family, or a therapist, or the blogosphere, but find someone to talk to about things. Sometimes just getting the thoughts out of your head makes them a little less daunting.

8. REVISIT LIST 2 – When you have completed all the items on List 1, take another look at List 2. By this point, some time has passed, and you may be calmer (better able to deal with the uncertainties). You may also notice that much of what you CAN do has been done, and there isn’t that much left to worry about. Now is the time to practice faith, trust, and patience. Sometimes we just have to wait. Breathe.

(I had items 9 and 10 on this list, but decided they didn’t add much value… and I’m not that obsessed with round numbers.)

What I’m missing now is the “What to do with toxic emotions once a crisis has been averted” part.

Two options I keep coming back to are:

9. Write – Sometimes I write in journals, or I post on the blog. Sometimes I furiously fill a page with all my rage, then rip it to pieces or set in on fire. These things tend to get the thoughts out of my head, but don’t actually solve anything. I am still left feeling… helpless.

10. Play – Many times when I am facing stressful conditions, I step away from them and immerse myself in Hunter’s world. Kids live in the present moment, and focus only on the things they are interested in. This serves as a lovely distraction, for a while, but it isn’t a long term solution.

But the thing is, when I’ve exhausted all of my coping mechanisms, there are some “issues” that remain… that will always be there, that I can do NOTHING about, but must learn to co-exist with. Some issues are hugely painful, terribly unfair, and not at all things I’ll ever be OK with… but, so what? Who ever said life would be fair?

Sometimes the things that stress us out don’t go away, and don’t get resolved, and never get better. What then?

I’m asking, really, because I don’t have a neat and tidy answer… obviously, or I probably wouldn’t have ended up in the doctor’s office. So now I want to know:

What do YOU do when life sits you in a corner, against a wall, and says, “On this particular issue, you will get NOTHING… and like it”? I mean, after crying, pouting, kicking and screaming… then what?

Thanks!!!

(Photo Credit)

Remaining Calm in Stressful Situations is a post from: Quest for Balance

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I was once a bit OCD. I don’t mean that my house was neat and tidy (though it probably was), or that I was a control freak (though I definitely was); but rather, I had obsessive thoughts that I compulsively acted on, even when I knew I shouldn’t. I would tell myself NOT to act on those thoughts… but, when they arose, it was like I was on autopilot. I absolutely, compulsively, had to follow through, no matter what.

When I was dealing with this issue, I learned that OCD people live in an imaginary world that is Beyond Reasonable Doubt. Some doubts, of course, are reasonable and prudent.

For instance:

I just cut raw chicken on the counter, so I should disinfect it. (Reasonable)

I need to disinfect the counter every 30 minutes because there MIGHT be germs on it. (OCD)

Or:

I wonder if I locked the door (or turned off the oven) before I left? (Reasonable)

I can’t leave my house without checking the lock (or oven) 17 times, because I MIGHT forget one of those times. (OCD)

Reasonable doubt keeps us alive and well.

Then there is the paralyzing world of doubts that are WAY beyond reason… “what if this or that (highly unlikely scenario) happens? I need to go to great lengths to avoid that catastrophe.” When this is your thought process, you end up not living at all, because fear and compulsive behaviors keep you from enjoying ANYTHING.

But at the other end of the spectrum, the pendulum swings to the OPPOSITE of OCD, careless risk-taking.

When this happens, people are not even concerned with reasonable doubts, because they get so caught up in their pleasure seeking, and narcissistic goals, they start to believe the rules of mere mortals don’t apply to them. They imagine things like, “I’m special, extraordinary, smarter, stronger, better, richer… and therefore, these things (that happen on a fairly regular basis to other people) will NOT happen to me.”

Recently I watched Everest: Beyond the Limits, and was struck by how many times I heard people say, “If I had only known THIS would be the price I had to pay (losing fingers, or toes, or friends), I never would have come.”

Really?!

Because I’m not even a climber, I’ve just watched a few Everest specials on TV, and even I know that every climbing season people on Everest lose fingers and toes to frostbite, get pulmonary or cerebral edema, suffer snow blindness, and any number of other things… and these are the (lucky) ones who survive their summit attempts.

Everest is, for all intents and purposes, the world’s highest graveyard; it is covered in bodies of climbers that cannot be recovered. This is not a big secret… it’s pretty well documented.

You didn’t KNOW? Or you didn’t think it would happen to YOU?

Those are two very different things.

This week I watched Tiger Woods deliver his staged press conference on the issue of his affairs. He admitted that he had come to believe he didn’t have to play by the same rules that apply to everyone else. He thought he could just act on selfish impulse, without worrying about consequences.

I guess if he had KNOWN his affairs would destroy his family, and the professional image he worked so hard to achieve, he might’ve kept it in his pants.

Really?! A smart guy, like Tiger, didn’t do the simple “what if” scenario, following his actions through to their logical conclusions? Or maybe he did, and just didn’t care enough about the outcome… but that’s not likely. He thought, “OTHERS get caught, but not me. I’m Tiger Woods.”

But he did get caught, and shattered a bunch of hearts in the process.

Why in the world would he do that?

Granted, some risks beyond “normal” tolerance must be taken for progress to be made in all sorts of fields. But, it seems to me, total carelessness and disregard for others, in the pursuit of one’s own pleasure or glory, is a recipe for disaster and regret.

What do you think?

How do we know what “reasonable” doubts are? Have you ever felt trapped by worries or concerns that were WAY beyond what others considered reasonable?

How much risk-taking is healthy and normal? Do you engage in behaviors you KNOW could cost you dearly, thinking you probably won’t get caught? (I don’t actually expect you to confess them here, by the way.)

How do we find the balance between too much risk, and not enough?

How do we know when we’ve gone too far?

Are some obsessions better than others?

(Photo Credit)

OCD: The Pendulum of Caution, Risk, and Reasonable Doubt is a post from: Quest for Balance

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We all have insecurities at one time or another… as parents, as professionals, as people. Most of us are in a constant search for the perfect work/ life balance that allows us to feel good about who we are, and the choices we make.

Recently I did something a little unusual with my insecurities, I exposed them to someone I’d only just met. Christopher Kabamba is a new blogger I stumbled upon a short while ago. I could tell from my first few exchanges with him that he is someone I deeply respect. He has a stillness about him, and an aura of peace and understanding.

In one of his comments he shared this James Allen quote:

“Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of a ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought.”

This triggered something I’d been thinking about for a while. So, although I didn’t know him well at all, I took a chance and laid it on him. What follows is most of our email exchange from that day, in the hopes that it will help other balance-seekers.

*

Lisis to Christopher:

When I started blogging, I felt 100% serene and balanced. I had overcome tragedies, worked through a lot of stuff in my journals, and read lots of philosophy and psychology. I worked HARD at letting go of stress, anxiety, and the internal distractions that keep us from inner peace.

My days consisted of being fully present, playing with Hunter, homeschooling him (and finding ways to make it fun for both of us), wandering around the garden barefooted, making wishes on dandelions, blowing bubbles in the rain… that sort of thing.

It was bliss in our little universe.

I knew that others want that inner peace, simplicity, serenity, and happiness. So I started a blog about my approach to life, hoping I could inspire a few people. As I mentioned in my anniversary post, the journey has had its ups and downs. Fast forward to what life looks like today:

Some days (when the blog is doing well) I feel very excited about it. I can see how it helps others, I love that it has a life of its own, I want to see just how far I can take it. Other days (when it is not doing as well, or my mood is a bit darker) I wish I had never started it. I long for those simpler days when only my son had any claims to my time.

Now, morning, day and night, my mind is on blog stuff… either posts I want to write, or things I need to do, or people I’ve met and want to check in with. Even when I’m playing with my son, I KNOW I am not fully present… I can feel it. It’s as if I had a second baby and IT is taking up most of my time, at Hunter’s expense.

I chose to have only ONE child so that he would have my attention all the time. I chose to leave my post-MBA career so that I could be fully present in his childhood. I chose to homeschool him, so we could have unique, interesting experiences and adventures, while developing a love of learning.

What I want most is to be here with him, fully present and available, creating an awesome childhood experience. And yet… I find myself doing things that are pulling me away from that goal.

What are your initial thoughts about my situation?

Have I forgotten what matters most?

Have I taken on a great project too soon?

*

Christopher’s response:

My first thoughts are that it is not unusual for you to feel that way. You may not see yourself this way, but you are now a leader of many people, and therefore there is demand on your time. You are doing something you feel passionate about so it is not unusual for you to go after it with all your might.

You cannot help but feel that the people you care about most pay the price for your passion. Obviously, that is something you don’t want, hence the incongruent feeling.

The long term solution, as I see it, would be for you to find a “new” balance in the midst of what you have become now. You can’t possibly go back to the Lisis who was 100% balanced before she started blogging without feeling a sense that you are under-utilizing the part of you that can help many people who desperately need help. Plus, as you help others and add value to them you also grow as a conscious being. As you teach, you become the student and you grow from that experience.

You are now a very different Lisis.

You are like elastic that has stretched beyond a certain point and it cannot go back to its former size. I think that going back to the Lisis who was centered before the blog came into life cannot be achieved by abandoning the blog. It will be like you have lost a child. The long term solution is to find balance with this second “child” you now have. This second child came so you could experience growth.

In the short term however, you will have to deal with that negative feeling, the feeling that Hunter has to pay for your blogging pursuits. First, I am glad that you feel that way. It is a sign that you are alive. And my answer to this is: do whatever it takes to deal with that feeling. Whether the feeling is justified or not is not the issue; the issue is that it is there, YOU FEEL IT and it is not a congruent feeling.

The most immediate and practical solution, therefore, may mean that you look at ways of scheduling your blogging pursuits such that you leave enough time to allow you to feel that you are not neglecting Hunter. At the end of the day, you can only do so much based on what the prevailing circumstances are, and you must not feel guilty as long as you have taken care of what you care about most.

I think that we can’t run away from the fact that, at some point, we have to set our priorities anew. That is the short term solution. Getting to a place where you feel Hunter is not paying the price anymore. I want to believe that place exists somewhere, and it doesn’t involve abandoning the blog.

Take it as a personal challenge to find balance within the confines of what your life has become now. Things have changed; you are now a whole different person. That is the reason you had to overcome all those personal tragedies and achieve that initial balance. It was to bring you HERE. From here you will have to achieve the next balance.

One more thing which is sure to be a source of inner conflict has to do with attachment to the success of the blog; it’s because you care and you want it to succeed. Everyone does that. What is important is for you to realize that you have limitations on whether the readers get it or don’t get it. After you hit the publish button, you can do something, but only so much. The blog must have a life of its own, but not but not by taking the life out of you.

It is a delicate balance.

The most important thing is to GLADLY TAKE IT AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE. That is the whole reason we are all around. It’s to take such situations on as personal challenges which we must work through.

*

My answer:

Wow, Christopher… When I sent you the email yesterday, I was thinking, “What am I doing? He barely knows me… he’s gonna think this or that.” But I felt I really needed to send it to YOU, and now I know why. You nailed it 100%.

If only it were as simple as giving up the blog and going back to the way things were. As if I could throw away my computer, never look back, and just settle into LEGOs and dandelions again… but that is not possible now. It’s like you said, this rubber band has been stretched beyond a certain point and will never be the same.

I suppose it IS what moms feel when a second child comes along, especially if the first was an only child for several years. I love them both, and they both matter in different ways, and it now becomes my new challenge to figure out how to live with the two of them without losing myself in the process, or cheating either one of the attention they deserve.

Is it easy? No, but neither is anything else worth doing, and there is no other option. Like you said, if I tried to go back to that simpler life now, part of me would be missing. I wrote a post once about Old Self vs New Self that I just went back and re-read. There is only THIS self, and where I go from here.

That’s the thing about finding balance. Some people think it is a destination, like you find it and stop seeking. But I know, whether we’re walking a tightrope, riding a bike, or trying a yoga pose, staying balanced is a continuous process of tiny adjustments… being in tune with what we feel and correcting accordingly.

Your advice, by the way, is very practical. Since Hunter is what matters most, I need to first carve out HIS time, and determine just how much of me he needs so that neither of us feels he’s paying the price. Then, whatever I can do around that (without losing or exhausting myself) can be devoted to my Q4B baby. If that isn’t enough to grow the blog into all it could be, oh well. There will be time for that sort of thing later.

There is a time for everything, and at this time, I’m caring for a child, and a blossoming new me.

*

What about you?

Are you finding that balance between all the things you want to do, and all the things you have to do? Are you finding time for yourself, as well?

(dandelion)

Exposing Our Insecurities to Find a New Balance is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Emergency Guide? Yes, Please!

I was picturing something along the lines of Hermione’s magic wand, but as it turns out, this is entirely different. My first clue should’ve been that it was written by Mia Lundin, Founder and Director of the Center for Hormonal and Nutritional Balance. Her approach to this issue is more scientific than what I was looking for.

My kind of insanity seeks simple answers like: doing less, relaxing, meditating, yoga, chocolate ice cream, and sharing a bottle of wine with my best friends in Paris.

Female Brain Gone Insane is about brain chemical imbalances and the use of Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy as a carefully regulated treatment. Oddly enough, the author herself contends that one of the main causal factors affecting our brain chemicals and the feeling of insanity is stress or anxiety from our fast-paced lifestyles. I don’t see how anything short of a drastic change in lifestyle could possibly resolve that problem. Even a solution like bioidentical hormones, without a lifestyle change, is just treating the symptoms, not the cause.

“Interestingly, bioidentical hormones are made in the laboratory. Yes, they are derived from plant sources, meaning the plant hormone is extracted from the plant and then synthesized or tweaked in lab to look exactly like the hormones made by your ovaries. Analogously, these hormones are the right key for the right lock. Your body says, ‘Hello. I recognize you.’ Then the bioidentical hormone key finds the receptor, unlocks it, and voila! Once the hormones are in place, your body can stop screaming for what it needs and can shift back into balance.” (p.49)

THAT is too complex for my insane brain to wrap itself around.

I think I may not be the right target market for this book. I’m all for finding balance, but I can’t quite process what it means to do it this way. Perhaps if I were older, menopausal, at my wit’s end, or if I had tried everything else, I would consider using something like this… maybe. It’s hard to say at this point.

I don’t mean to imply that the book isn’t fantastic; for me it was overwhelming, but it may well offer a solution that can help some people. Perhaps it’s the nature of my personality, or the fact that I’m not quite “there” yet, but it didn’t seem like a solution I’d be comfortable with. I felt that it made things more complicated, rather than simpler.

What about you?

When you are struggling to keep it together do you seek a scientific/medical solution? If so, this is probably the perfect book for you.

Or, do you find that something more simple and ambiguous works best? Maybe something spiritual?

Even if you are not a female, and even if your brain has not gone insane lately, I hope you will still join this conversation. I’m sure the feeling of “falling apart” is not just a female issue… is it?

Book Review: Female Brain Gone Insane is a post from: Quest for Balance

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