Something strange has been happening lately; the sun is falling out of the sky! Or at least, it feels that way to me. I don’t mean that metaphorically, like: I’m depressed and so the world is in perpetual darkness. I mean, it feels like the sun has lost its will to live.

Let me frame this for you, so you can understand where I’m coming from:

As many of you know, I grew up in Costa Rica, and that meant spending LOTS of time at the beach. My siblings, friends, and I would head off exploring down the beach to the estuary (where the river meets the sea), sometimes for a few hours. My mom would pack a lunch for us and say something like, “Be back by 1:00!” (Or two, or whatever.)

None of us wore a watch, of course; I’m not even sure we owned a watch, but that didn’t matter. Costa Rica is practically at the equator, and that means that at noon the sun is directly overhead. Rises in the East, sets in the West, overhead at noon. So, if the sun was on our right in the morning, when we left, we should be back when it has gone overhead and slightly to the left (West, towards the ocean).

Clockwork, right?

I could always count on the sun to let me know what time it was, within a reasonable margin of error.

Fast forward to college, when I got my pilot’s license, in California. The sun wasn’t quite as reliable as a clock, because it wasn’t directly overhead at noon… just a few degrees off; but, it made an awesome compass. If I was flying around and my compass stopped working, I would know my heading by the position of the sun. If it’s 9:00 am and the sun is to my right, over the mountains, I am heading North. If it’s 4:00 pm, and the sun is to my right (over the ocean), I am heading South.

This seems pretty obvious when we have mountains and ocean to go by, but it comes in really handy when you are flying out in the desert… say, to Vegas, or Palm Springs, where all you see for a zillion miles is sand below you and sky above.

So, as a rule, the sun has always been pretty helpful for me, in terms of my sense of direction and spatial awareness. I know where I am because of where IT is. Only now, IT isn’t there anymore!

Vermont is a FAR cry from being near the equator so, at least in the Winter, the whole East to West, Sunrise to Sunset thing happens somewhere to the South of us. It’s like, the game of life is going on “down there, somewhere” and we are on the sidelines, watching it happen.

Now, at 3:00 pm, if I am facing the sun, it feels like I am facing West, but it’s really South… or South by Southwest, or some other random combination that just makes me feel LOST. At noon, the sun is only slightly above the horizon, so I feel like it is really mid-morning. All of a sudden, 4:00 pm rolls around and the sun is setting!

“Eeek! But, I haven’t DONE anything yet! Where did the day go?”

“Where am I? And, where has my day gone?”

This is kind of what it feels like when you have a late onset of any sort of mental illness, in which your brain chemicals aren’t doing what they are supposed to do. Sometimes this happens naturally; sometimes it’s induced by meds, or trauma. The world and everything in it has been one way for your whole life, and suddenly, it isn’t. All of a sudden, nothing works the way it used to; people don’t seem to be like they used to be. The world, and your role in it, has changed.

How do you make decisions in a world you don’t recognize? Can you trust your brain to show you what is really happening? The thoughts you are having are NOTHING like the ones you used to have… which ones do you act on?

In my immediate family, I have dealt with depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. I hate all three of them, each for their own reasons. But what they all have in common, is that they make us feel lost, confused, isolated, frustrated, and a little afraid. The simplest things become very difficult when you can’t trust your own brain to show you the way… just like I can no longer count on the sun to show me the time or direction.

So, what are we to do when all the “constants” have changed?

Find something new to trust.

The very best way I have found to cope with any of our mental illnesses is to have a person (or a few people) who we trust in a major way. When our brain is confusing us, making the world seem foggy and mysterious, we turn to those people, and trust what they say… no matter what. Trust them to differentiate between the thoughts you should act on, and the thoughts you should ignore. You CAN manage this.

If you really need a reminder that you can overcome any challenge, you should see Josh Hanagarne’s video, No Excuses. It’s time to get back in the game.

As for my disorientation in Vermont, I guess I’ll buy a compass… and a watch.

Question for You:

Do you know anyone who deals with a mental illness? How do they find their way?

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Mental Illness: The Sun Also Rises… Barely is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Mrs. Jacqueline has always been a highly respected and admired woman in society. She excelled in academics, has incredible artistic talents, and is completely devoted to helping others in any way she can.

When Mrs. Jacqueline goes out into the world, and shares her energy and enthusiasm with everyone she meets, she is unstoppable. There is nothing Mrs. Jacqueline can not accomplish, if she sets her mind to it.

Little Miss Heidi, on the other hand, never wants to leave the safe confines of her home. She misses out on everything in life by hiding from everyone she knows. Little Miss Heidi doesn’t want to wake up to face her days. She doesn’t want to be seen, and dreads the thought of having to talk to anyone.

Although, occasionally, Little Miss Heidi has some fairly creative ideas, she has no energy whatsoever to carry them through to completion. Usually her thoughts just wander aimlessly around in her head, without coalescing into a single, useful notion.

She just sits.

Little Miss Heidi hates herself for being this way, but simply cannot change. Most days, there isn’t enough life force or ambition left in her to even try.

How these two ever got together is a mystery to all who know them. They are complete opposites in every way, yet they are inseparable.

One would think Mrs. Jacqueline would’ve had quite enough of Little Miss Heidi’s gloomy nonsense, and simply moved on to a better use of her time. Or, perhaps, Little Miss Heidi would finally just give up on trying to be more like Mrs. Jacqueline, and stop seeing her altogether.

And yet, they continue to co-exist.

When Heidi is particularly despondent, Jackie waits patiently for her to recover, whispering words of comfort:

“It’s going to be OK.”

“You’ll feel better soon, I promise.”

“Whatever you do, don’t give up!”

When Heidi recovers some of her health and hope, she throws all of her energy into being Jackie’s most ardent supporter, feeling certain that one day she, too, will have all that enthusiasm and zest for life.

As long as Heidi is striving to be more like Jackie, there is hope for them both. But, if Jackie ever gives up, leaving Heidi to fend for herself or, worse yet, becoming like her, they will both suffer greatly.

What is the best way to keep Little Miss Heidi striving, and Mrs. Jacqueline motivated to keep doing her very best? How do we keep them both from giving up?

If anyone can answer this, I shall be eternally grateful, as Jackie and Heidi are both, well… sides of me.

What about you?

Do you have Jackie and Heidi (Jekyll and Hyde) sides too?

Thanks!

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Jackie and Heidi: A Tale of Unlikely Companions is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Not too long ago I wrote a guest post for Urban Monk, in which I mentioned some of the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. Several people wrote to me asking for more information about the disease since they, or others they knew, were struggling with it. I am no expert on this subject, nor am I a medical professional of any sort… but I lost my dad and my dear friend to BD, and I’ve learned a few things about it that I can share with you.

Here are five things I think everyone should know about Bipolar Disorder:

1. Bipolar Disorder can be extremely isolating. Most people will never understand what you are going through as a patient, or as a caregiver to someone who suffers from BD. Until the symptoms get tremendously out of hand, it is easy to mistake the beginning of a manic episode for the patient just being in a really good mood.

I will never forget how frustrating it was when my siblings and I recognized the early warning signs of a manic upswing in my dad. We would try to get him to take the appropriate meds, and get help. But he, of course, refused… he was finally feeling great and didn’t want that feeling to end. Then he would tell anyone who would listen that we were conspiring against him, trying to get him “locked up” for our own selfish reasons. His friends would say, “Can’t you see he’s finally happy? Why do you want to take that away from him?” Then, inevitably, it would get out of hand and they would come running to us to do something, anything, to help him.

2. Managing Bipolar Disorder is incredibly frustrating. One the one hand, you feel isolated since most people don’t understand the disease. On the other hand, the medical professionals you turn to for help don’t understand it much better. The current system of treatment and medication for the management of this and other mental illnesses is woefully inadequate. We’ve come a long way since “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest,” but we are nowhere near a good solution.

Psychiatric hospitals are not fun to be in. The care you receive there is minimal and sometimes misguided. Billing and insurance issues are a nightmare. About the only thing these places are good for is to keep the patients from hurting themselves or others. It’s basically adult daycare, since most of us can’t spend 24 hours a day making sure our bipolar loved one isn’t getting into some kind of trouble. The system is awful, and frustrating; but it’s the best we’ve got.

3. There IS always hope. One of the best success stories I have found is the book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a psychiatrist who also suffers from bipolar disorder. What is encouraging about her story is that she has found a way to deal with the disease and still keep her career and life relatively normal.

What works for her may not necessarily work for someone else… but at least it means that some semblance of recovery is possible. I believe anyone can effectively manage this disease if they first admit they have it, and are willing to do whatever it takes to get well. Usually this means trusting someone else more than you trust your own brain, thoughts, or feelings. It isn’t easy, but it can be done.

4. Recognizing the fulcrum is vital. The key to managing bipolar disorder is learning to recognize the fulcrum, or tipping point, from one extreme to the other. When my dad was so depressed he needed to be institutionalized and given electroshock therapy, he was released from the hospital with a prescription for anti-depressants. As he started to feel better, we were all happy that his medications were having the desired effect. But at some point, not-depressed became a little too happy.

Eventually my siblings and I got quite skilled at recognizing that transition point, at which he needed to stop taking the anti-depressants. If he continued on them, he soon became manic and got himself in a world of trouble. The problem with my dad was, he never trusted anyone or anything but his own thoughts. So when we tried to adjust his medications, he thought we were purposely trying to keep him depressed, and he fought us all the way. You simply cannot help someone who refuses to be helped.

5. Recovery requires a tradeoff. One of the things that makes it difficult to manage this disease is that the patient must be willing to give up the highs to avoid the lows. The manic highs and delusions of grandeur can be so incredibly addictive that sometimes the patient doesn’t want to give them up. It’s a little like a toxic relationship — an emotional roller coaster between horrible abuse, and incredibly amazing “good times”. Many people are unwilling to walk away from abusive relationships because the good times are so very wonderful. It’s kinda like this with Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses… at least in the early stages.

You may recall the movie A Beautiful Mind, in which John Nash KNEW he had a problem (in his case, Paranoid Schizophrenia) but hated to take the medications because they dulled his thoughts. He was incapable of his amazing mathematical insights when he was medicated with anti-psychotic drugs. It isn’t an easy decision to make, giving up the thrills of the high; but it’s one I fear is necessary in order to avoid the very real dangers of the lows.

If you, or someone you know, suffers from Bipolar Disorder, I strongly encourage you to pick up a copy of An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness. It is a great starting point on the journey to recovery. It’s a long road, but the chances are good that things can get better along the way.

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Thanks!!!

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Bipolar Disorder: 5 Things Everyone Should Know is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Today is a very exciting day for me because I have a guest post at Urban Monk! I would LOVE for you to follow me over there so you can read a story I haven’t shared here, on Quest for Balance. It’s called Love and Compassion Can Defeat Suffering and Depression. Don’t be shy; it’s really easy… just CLICK HERE TO GO TO URBAN MONK. I’ll be responding to comments over there.

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Tuesdays through Thursdays, comments are closed on Quest for Balance (here’s why). Feel free to contact me directly at:

MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com.

Or, if you prefer, you can tweet me @Serene_Balance.

Thanks!

Follow Me Over to Urban Monk is a post from: Quest for Balance

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“It seemed like this was one big Prozac nation, one big mess of malaise. Perhaps the next time half a million people gather for a protest march on the White House green it will not be for abortion rights or gay liberation, but because we’re all so bummed out.” –Elizabeth Wurtzel

(Photo by Flynn Wynn) These days everyone throws around the word depression like we’re talking about the common cold. We all know someone (or are someone) on antidepressants; that’s the cure for everything now. The doctors just lump all of our issues together into one common enemy: depression, with one common cure… which never seems to quite do the trick.

Gertrude Stein coined the phrase “A rose is a rose is a rose,” but the same is not true of depression. In fact, there are so many degrees and sources of depression, it would be impossible (and boring) for me to list them all. But it’s important to understand that all depressions are not created equal. They all feel terrible, but stem from different places. If you know which type you are dealing with, you can find the best way to address it. Just to give you an idea, here are five distinct depressions I have experienced personally, and how I overcame them:

1. Grief and Loss - I lost my mom, my dad, and a very dear friend. I have felt the unfillable void… the one that reminds me every day that life will never be the same. There are no words that make this sadness go away. There is no pill that brings my loved ones back. The only way I got through this depression was to allow myself to feel the pain, accept that my life was going to look different from that point forward (though not necessarily worse), and try to live the best life possible in order to honor their memory. The last thing any of them would have wanted is for me to live my life with sorrow, despair and emptiness. I miss them. I love them. I’m blessed that I knew them. I am a better person because of them.

2. Post Partum - I had my son the year after I lost my mom. He was a big baby, and I had an epidural. Some people say these may be contributing factors to Post Partum Depression. But who cares, really? Because when you get home from the hospital, and everyone is congratulating you, and you look at your perfect little baby and your loving husband, but your only thought is, “I don’t love this baby… I am a terrible mom,” it doesn’t really matter WHY you are having those thoughts.

All that matters is that you are… and you don’t dare tell anyone about them, and you won’t take antidepressants because you want to breastfeed your baby, and you know you’re not a bad mom and that you’ll grow to love this little stranger, but you feel awful because other mommies look so damn happy with their babies right from the start! All you want is to feel like a good mommy!!! I finally talked to others about it, and took the stupid meds (Zoloft), and was able to appreciate the joys of motherhood at long last.

3. Clinical - Once the Post Partum Depression went away, I was able to love my baby, and I loved him a whole lot. I was so thankful to have a healthy son and a wonderful husband. We were fortunate in that I was able to quit work and stay home with Hunter, playing, gardening, reading… generally enjoying life. And yet, I wasn’t. My life looked great by all rational standards, but felt awful. I had a perpetual dark cloud hanging over me, no matter what I did. Life was always out of focus, since I was looking at the world through tear-colored glasses.

My husband thought I wasn’t happy with him, or with the life we had created together. But it wasn’t that. I had everything I ever wanted. I had everything but the right amount of dopamine in my brain. No matter what reality looked like, my brain saw a faded version of it… one that was lacking some indefinable thing. But what was actually lacking was one puny brain chemical. Kinda like Parkinson’s Disease, only the lack of dopamine affected my feelings instead of my motor skills. So the docs put me on Wellbutrin this time… a “dopamine reuptake inhibitor” (fancy phrase for: lets you experience pleasure again).

4. Search for Meaning - So I’m trucking along, I have a loving family, the meds keep me from crying all the time, and life is basically fine. But that’s just it… life is just fine. It’s not great. I’m not doing anything wonderful, or helpful, or even terribly productive. I am unfulfilled. “Life has no purpose,” I think; “Why am I here?” This is the eternal question, right?… the very reason for art and literature throughout the ages. What is my raison d’etre (reason for being)?

This is when I entered my journaling cocoon. I started reading everything I could find on philosophy, spirituality, and every major religion in a desperate search for answers. One of the best books I found was Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. I wrote down all my thoughts and feelings, trying to discover some common threads and the little things about me that make me unique. I discovered that, among other things, I am insanely empathetic. I have suffered enough that now I recognize the same suffering in others, and I feel it with them.

“Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your vocation.” (Aristotle)

5. Stress and Fear - Lately, there’s been a new kind of depression lurking, threatening to commandeer my thoughts, if I let it. The stress and fear associated with these difficult economic times sometimes makes me feel like we have no options, no way out, no hope of finding a good solution to our everyday issues. In the past, we were fearless. When we went to Costa Rica in 2004 Jeff just quit his job and we sold our house, without even a second thought. No worries. Now, we would like to make a move back to Austin but… can we sell our house? Can he get a job? Should he leave a sure thing, even if he is unhappy there, in order to follow his dreams? What if he gets a job, but we can’t sell the house? Which to do first?

These thoughts, and others like them, are a vicious cycle of fear that feeds itself. If you allow them to take over, they gladly will, paralyzing any hope you may have of chasing your dreams. All we can do is face each issue as it comes, and deal with it pragmatically. We’ll try to sell the house. If it sells, we’ll rent somewhere and look for his job in Austin. If he gets one, we move there and figure out the next part. Baby steps. Breathe… things will work out.

They always do.

The thing to remember about the different types of depression is that they are all illusions. They do not accurately represent reality. The internal voice that says, “Life is no good,” is no different from the delusional voice that tells the schizophrenic, “People can read your mind, and are trying to come after you.” They are false, imaginary voices even though they feel very real. We need to learn to recognize these voices and choose not to believe them.

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Tuesdays through Thursdays, comments are closed on Quest for Balance (here’s why). Feel free to contact me directly at:

MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com.

Or, if you prefer, you can tweet me @Serene_Balance.

Thanks!

Depression: So Many Shades of Blue is a post from: Quest for Balance

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