“Taking charge of your own learning is a part of taking charge of your life, which is the sine qua non in becoming an integrated person. “
Warren G. Bennis

When Lisis recently wrote about her life in Nobody Trips Over Mountains, I was deeply moved to the core. Her story, and her being able to share it with the world, is simply courageous on her part. That post nudged me to become courageous too; well not as much as Lisis, but I’m trying.

Today, here, I am mustering the courage to be able to share a little of my life with you all. No, I might not be able to share every detail; I still don’t have the courage for that. But I can certainly share what I have learned on the way, in the hope that it might be of some value to you as well.

My simple learning journey, becoming the person that I am today:

1. Everyone has problems in their lives

Everyone goes through ups and downs. I like to think of every experience good or bad as a GEM. A gem is always a gem full of light and beauty, whichever way you turn it. So are our experiences, full of lessons of life. I know my life is no different from any of yours. Nor are my problems bigger than any of yours.

I know that NOW. At the time, while in the eye of the storm, everything seemed to be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anybody. But that’s far from the truth, ’cause there are people with far worse problems.

So, from a turbulent childhood, to a heart broken one too many times, to a psychologically, emotionally and physically violent ex-marriage, to a father’s death, to a younger brother’s death, to a mother’s breakdown (who is now perfectly fine), to finding myself, finding love, finding happiness, finding my true calling, and most of all having a baby, and to starting my blog… I can safely say ‘been there done that’! Phew !!

OK it doesn’t look like a pretty great picture, but it was a great journey. I learned so many valuable lessons and am still learning every single day. So it’s safe to say my journey is still going strong.

2. There’s no need to put up a brave front all the time

When I was stuck in a horrible marriage for three years, I put up a brave front. Everyone who saw me, thought I was the happiest married girl alive. I thought it beyond my dignity to admit that I was in a horrible situation and I needed help. Maybe in those three years, if I had confided in someone and been open about my problems, I wouldn’t have suffered for so long. I would have found a way out sooner.

3. It’s OK to ask for help

When the breaking point came after three years, I picked up the phone and called my mum. She welcomed me with open arms, no questions asked. All my friends, brothers, family… everyone, OK almost everyone, understood and tried to be supportive. Which in itself was a big revelation for me, ’cause I actually thought they would oppose my decision for a divorce. It’s with their support at that time that I completed my degree and got my Masters.

4. It’s OK to cry

I still have the habit in me to put up a brave front. I still refuse to show if I am hurting. But, it’s a very opaque habit now. It’s there, maybe it’s my nature; but that’s not an excuse to be Miss Brave all the time. I am human, I feel and so I cry too. The time I was dating my baby’s daddy, because of all the problems I had gone through with my previous marriage, I was like a closed vault. I refused to let him IN and I refused to drop down my guard. But he held on, he didn’t let go. He took all the crap and the negativity I threw at him, and still held on.

And then, one fine day, I broke down. I must’ve cried for hours, I think it was all night. All that was pent up was coming out. That was the turning point of our relationship. It was on that very day we decided to get married or rather I decided, ’cause he had already made up his mind to spend his life with me. Two months from that day, and after seeing each other for more than three years, we were husband and wife.

Today I proudly say I am Happily married, ’cause I can truly understand and feel in my core what Happy means. You have to drop your guard and just let go sometimes, in order for you to truly be happy and experience life.

5. Embrace Your imperfections

I have seen how I, and many others, have a fixation for being like someone. I am still very moved by a few huge personalities: Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dale Carnegie, and Deepak Chopra, to name a few. Notice how I go from the self-sacrificing kind to the more realistic kind. Well over the years that’s what’s happened. This thing about being like someone has gone away.

Today I know what my assets are, I know what my shortcomings are, and I know Me. I can’t be or try to be like someone else ’cause it will mean I will lose my own personality in the bargain. Nobody or any personality is perfect! You’re Not Perfect, so why try to be?? I prefer embracing my imperfections, ’cause that’s what makes me, and each one of us, unique.

Rather than hiding our flaws, why not look into how they can be of use to help those around you? Like my blabbery and jabbery self, which was a bad thing while I was in school; my teachers would always complain “too talkative”, but it is now a good thing when I counsel my patients and give motivational seminars. Being talkative has helped me help others.

6. Help others to help yourself

In my most unhappy hours, I have made it a point to get out there and do some kind of social work, like visiting old age homes, visiting a special needs children’s center just to play with the kids there, or just asking my domestic helper how her day is going and lending her a kind ear. These small acts of acknowledging another human being magically make me feel better.

In opening up my heart to another person’s problems, my problems fade away. This is the very reason I started my blog. To help. To be of service, not just in the geographical location where I stay, but wherever my blog may reach. I know this is my True calling: “To ease and be of service to another human being.”

I hope at the end of this learning journey, while I lay to rest, I have no regrets. For I want to be able to open up my treasure box full of lovely gems (experiences) and say, “I’m rich, ’cause I know each and every shining gem, and I have adorned my life with each and every one of them.”

What are some of the life lessons you have learned during your journey?

(Photo Credit)

Learning and Becoming: Six Life Lessons is a post from: Quest for Balance

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I read Lisis’ list of Five Steps to Finding Fulfillment with great respect and enjoyment, too. Let’s take a quick look at what she teaches us.

Just be. Because we all do breathe, eat, and sleep. Also the ability of just being is also something highly valuable. Then, be safe. Because you don’t want to be kidnapped, and financial security is a good thing, too. Be social. We love friends, and dating is awesome, too. The list goes on, be strong. And that’s not just lifting weights. And finally – everybody knows a smile has godly healing powers: be happy.

I decided to break out of the Maslow pyramid that Lisis used to organize the steps. I treat being honest as the cloud around the pyramid, which applies to all its levels.

These are goals in our lives that most of us try to reach. I’ve been working on them, with some very delighting results in my everyday life. However, there was one thing that was complicating the process: I tried to ease my tasks. How? By lying.

When you are not used to facing and accepting the truths, hiding them and sweeping them away seems much easier. Often you invent a second reality, that seems more comfortable to live in. You lie to your parents, to your friends, and end up with lying to yourself. That’s the moment when you don’t even realize that you’re lying.

Sometimes I even lied about things (and we all had), that didn’t even make sense (exaggerating, leaving out little details). And that’s the worst, when you lie to yourself and don’t even realize, you are so used to it. I caught myself lying quite a few times to realize that I have to take another step: be honest.

Be Honest With Others

There’s an old Hungarian saying, “An untrue man is caught faster than a halting dog,” which has proven to be true so many times. By being honest to others you will see many improvements over your life. You will gain respect. People sense it when someone is untrue, and vice verse. If you will aim to be honest, you will be more respected within your community. You will be able to avoid all the hassle that is usually caused when a lie is found out (oh yeah, lies are always found out)!

We all lied now or then, we all know how it feels, right? You know the success that you feel.. “another little trouble passed by,” maybe the twinge of conscience that is produced. Lying evokes ambivalent feelings.

Let’s look at the other side. The most powerful feelings evoked by truth are usually pride (sometimes you have to be really strong to be able to speak it out,) happiness, cleanliness and balance. These are all positive values. Yes, of course, you can argue: shame! Think about it, when do you feel ashamed? When you tell the truth, or when you admit something wrong that you have done? When you admit that you lied about the very same thing before?

Most Important: Be Honest To Yourself

At an interpretation session for A Midsummer Night’s Dream, our theatre group leader said, that from time to time, you can lie to other people. You can lie to friends and family, to strangers. You can lie to everybody. One thing you must always respect: be true to yourself. (Well, that might not have been the most ethical advice he has ever given us, however, there’s some wisdom in it, I believe.)

If you lie to yourself, then you do not know yourself.

If you do not know yourself, than it doesn’t matter anymore if others know you.

Consequently, if you lie to yourself, then you don’t even give others the chance to get to really know you. Your social life directly relates to your honesty.

Last year, I stuffed up a lot of tasks at the Student’s Council in our school, while still keeping my daily activities. What I took on was impossible to accomplish. I rather drank seas of coffee, and stayed up several night until dawn, instead of admitting that I just can’t do more. I cheated on myself, regarding my strength, and that jeopardized my safety, and my being after all. And that is just one example of lying to yourself. One from many I’ve seen or experienced.

Truth is always the right choice.

I’d like to finish this article with a citation that one of my readers left on my blog as one of the first comments I ever received. I think it very nicely presents how obvious the little truths of life are:

“Telling the truth is easy and pleasant.”

What about YOU?

Do you think telling the truth is easy, pleasant, and necessary? Can we lie to ourselves or others and expect to have meaningful relationships? If you are not being true to yourself, then isn’t everything else a lie?

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The Sixth Step to Finding Fulfillment: Be Honest is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Note: This is a guest post by Paul Martin, author of Original Faith: What Your Life Is Trying to Tell You, from which this article is adapted.

There is necessary suffering and there is unnecessary suffering. For example, if I lose my job in an economic downturn, this is a source of some unavoidable pain. I’ll have to go job hunting and figure out how to pay the bills.

But if I spend lots of time worrying about losing my job months before it happens and if I resent being let go and then continue to resent it months or years later, then these are examples of unnecessary suffering. Our own trains of thought are the main source of unnecessary suffering. “Trains of thought” is a good phrase for this. They come around almost as if on schedule.

Whether we say them to ourselves or to family members and friends, these trains of thought are stagnant and repetitive. It’s as though we’re compelled to give pretty much the same speech every time the subject comes to mind. We aren’t really processing anything, just spinning our wheels.

Prominent among the trains of thought that bring unnecessary suffering are the worry train, the unfairness train, the envy train, the “if only” train (if only such and such would happen then I’d be happy), the past regrets train, trains of personal resentment, political, social, and cultural rant trains, and the despairing “life is meaningless” train.

We may say to ourselves: “But how can I possibly not hate the fact that X, Y, or Z is so wrong or unfair? How can I not recognize or see how horrible or ugly the truth is?” Well, sure, it can be a good thing to recognize negatives as negatives–when we first encounter them. But no matter how true or valid the thought, if you are unwilling or unable to do anything about it, then thinking about it over and over again has no real-world effect other than making you miserable and increasing the unhappiness of family members who may be getting regular doses of your compelled speeches. This is to say that compelled speech is not only worse-than-useless; it’s worse-than-useless no matter how well justified.

Dispersal Technique

When a worse-than-useless thought arises, notice that you’ve begun to have one of these thought-trains as soon as possible after onset so that you can stop giving it your attention. No more cabooses! Here are some sample techniques. One of these may work well for you or you may wish to get creative.

• Shift modes of locomotion. Picture a kind of Star Wars scene where a hunk of destructive worse-than-uselessness is floating toward your spacecraft. Shoot it down with laser precision and watch it explode.

• Imagine that thinking of a worse than useless thought is like touching a hot stove–withdraw your attention the moment you notice one.

• Quietly think “let it go” and imagine a fist unclenching.

• Consider the worse-than-useless thought with an attitude of “There, there now…” as if it were a child having a tantrum.

What to Expect

At first it’s not so easy to disperse our worse-than-useless trains of thought; it’s easy to get caught up in them again without noticing. The level of watchfulness required on our early attempts is like that of a sentry on guard duty. Despite the simplicity of the technique, executing it is initially so difficult that I’d recommend that you wait to make your first try when you can be alone for a few days, free of distractions.

Early on, you’ll often find that you won’t notice your compelled speech until you are well into repeating some long, familiar grievance. Within only a few days, however, you begin to catch yourself at or near the start of your monologues to nip them in the bud. Although the level of conscious effort required remains high, a shift begins to take place.

Your practice of dispersal begins to change from being something that you need to repeatedly thrust into the foreground of your consciousness into more of a background alertness or attentiveness. Now it becomes possible to engage in other mental activities with concentration, yet still notice worse-than-useless thoughts when they start to form. Gradually you develop a personal rhythm, an efficient pattern of checking up on yourself no more often than necessary.

If you take a few days for intensive practice of dispersal you will begin to see an important truth: that you are the number one cause of your own suffering. You begin to see that for years, you’ve been making your way through life as if you were out for a walk in the park, except that every time you happened to spot dog poop on the ground, you’d get right down and stick your nose in it. “What a mess things are!” you would exclaim each time, and, very often: “I certainly am not enjoying my walk!”

You can now see that this manner of proceeding is sheer lunacy. Give yourself a few days off from it and you’ll never want to go back.

What about you?

Are there certain trains of thought that bring you unnecessary suffering? How do you get rid of your worse-than-useless thoughts?

(Photo Credit)

How to Lose Your Worse-than-Useless Thoughts: Dispersal is a post from: Quest for Balance

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This year John was determined to dedicate OUR December holiday on an ocean voyage to further MY education about sailing and boats for our lifestyle-sailing project.

No problemo I thought, I have seen pictures of beautiful manicured women sipping from wine glasses. They lounged comfortably on the back deck in full sunshine on a boat brimming with the latest technology. I also found out where they did it:  the tropical Virgin Islands. Just short of having my hair and nails done, I was ready!

But it all turned out a bit different, and having safely returned from an astounding voyage, I am dying to share my learnings.

I should have renegotiated or at least wised up when John showed me a picture of the boat. I think our maritime museum would have been jealous to own such an antique. All ropes, sails, and a terribly exposed but cute steering wheel. The whole scene looked picturesque at first glance, even if I didn’t detect deck chairs or shining chrome technology.

First learning: When it comes to boats, don’t fall for picturesque antiques. BIG mistake.

The next clue was the mad shopping dash we did on the day before we flew out! He went for safety harnesses, woollen hats, heavy wet-weather sailing coats, rubber boots with non-slip soles, heavy plastic trousers?! I must have been in lala land not to stop this educational trip at once! My shopping list had none of John’s items; it had suntan lotion, swimming togs, shorts, skimpy tops, and after-sun lotions.

Second learning: Start smelling a rat if your shopping list is vastly different from his!

Third and fourth learning: Check the geographic details of where you are going to sail and the crew you are going to sail with.

Blinded by my vision of Virgin Islands sailing, combined with my Northern hemisphere connotation with the word Southern being warm, I assumed Australia’s Southern Ocean to be tropical waters. Besides, it never occurred to me that anyone would go sailing in non-tropical waters by choice. BIG mistake again, MEN do!

We did not go sailing in tropical waters; Southern Ocean is close to the Antarctic! Of course men like to sail on a museum piece that requires you to steer exposed in cold weather. Men enjoy pulling on impossible ropes to move gigantic heavy sails on an out-of-control moving deck.They don’t want 21^st century technology, winches, or push-buttons in a cosy central heated pilot house. They are MEN, conquering the elements and the ropes that always got tangled up in their tackle and blocks and wanting to risk their lives on a bucking boat with slippery decks.

Fifth learning: Leave feminism at home. You cannot do everything a man does on an antique boat; don’t even try, and be okay about that.

I was frightened to death on that wobbly ship with no handholds to allow elegant strides on the deck. Most of the time you flew all over the place; I the have bruises to prove it. I have been seen to crawl on all fours to get from the wheel to the hatch of the sleeping quarters after my watch to prevent being flung overboard. So I stayed put in my bunk as much as I could and let the boys perform acts of bravery. That I was seasick didn’t help my level of performance either. I thought reaching the deck and the railing on time was brave enough.

Sixth learning: Keep smiling and your sense of humor; it will all pass and then you will have stories to tell in which you are the hero.

So for 17 days I was marooned on that replica of a 100 year old pilot cutter and learning fast how to apply all that spiritual stuff I have learned over the years. What a special but totally unexpected learning by experience that was! Boy, did I apply living in the now, coming from love, aand loving your choices as if my life depended on it.

Because I was on that boat and nowhere else and I had better make the most of it. And without making it a drama in my head, it didn’t become a drama in reality either. I learned that wisdom worked! I wasn’t forced onto that boat; I chose to do this. No blaming the boat, John, or myself. I chose this adventure and my mindset was to love it as it happened, whatever happened. Ha, I did get peace of mind. I could actually relax in my bunk, riding out my seasickness and accepting things rather than feeling sorry for myself or that something was wrong.

Seventh learning: Despite all of the above, I have learned that saying yes to adventures is the best thing you can do with your life; otherwise you miss out on having great experiences.

I am a hardened ocean sailor now, having had a unique and unparalleled 17 days, and I can claim being wise to boot.

Have you had an “experience of a lifetime” that you learned a lot from? What lessons can you share?

Extreme Sailing: The Joys of Learning by Experience is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Happy Friday, fellow travelers!

Today promises to be a spectacular day, as I’ll be visiting New York City for the very first time ever! I’m a fairly well-traveled person, having been to Brazil, Hong Kong, and several countries in Europe… but I’ve never been to “the big apple,” and today I get to go with the most wonderful guide, Nadia!

I don’t really know what to expect. I guess we will visit some of the must-see spots in town, maybe ride a subway, and eat a giant slice of pizza while watching a mugging or two. Who knows? Anything can happen in NYC.

One thing I know for SURE I want to see is the Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty symbolizes so much history, opportunity, feeling, nostalgia, risks taken, fears overcome, and dreams pursued. Her torch stands for enlightenment, available to all who seek it.

To me, she doesn’t just represent America, she is an international beacon of hope and inspiration. People have come from all over the world in search of everything she stands for. Some have found what they were looking for. Others weren’t as successful, but are stronger for having tried.

I want to try.

I want to look up at Lady Liberty and know that so many others have stood there before me, thankful to be in her presence. I want to feel connected to everyone who ever truly, deeply wished for freedom and enlightenment… as I wish for it today.

Plus, as anyone who’s ever seen an end-of-the-world movie knows, the Statue of Liberty is the first thing to get struck by lighting, giant tidal waves, asteroids, and alien attacks. So I might as well see Lady Liberty while she still stands. Right?

Nadia and I will each post about our “meeting of the minds” some time next week, so you can get both perspectives about the day and a half we are spending together. I wonder which one of us will have more fun? Here’s a picture from last night, when Nadia and Jacob took us to their favorite Thai place for dinner…. yu-um!!!

If you haven’t had a chance to meet Nadia, please stop over to Happy Lotus and check out her beautiful, soulful blog. This will give you an idea of just how lucky I am to be spending this time with such a spiritual and unique guide. Lady Kindness is taking me to see Lady Liberty!

What about YOU?

Have you been to New York City? What are your favorite things to do there? Do you ever find yourself wishing for freedom, enlightenment, or the sense of being connected to those who have come before you?

(Photo Credit)

Fellowship Fridays: Liberty Enlightening the World is a post from: Quest for Balance

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