LOVE

as

Outward Kindness

rests

On Strength,

Magical

and

Certain,

Mystical

and

Centered.

ETHEREAL JOY

from

CHANCES TAKEN.

Peace

Walks Slowly

On Still

Water

Between World

and

Illusion,

at times

Unaware,

Guided By

LOVE.

*

(Swans, Boats)

For the Warrior, Poet, Mystic: On Finding Love is a post from: Quest for Balance

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This was an email I received from a reader. I found it to be a beautiful tribute to her father, and know all too well the pain she is going through. I thought maybe, by sharing it here, some of you could help me find the right words to comfort her… even just a little. She told me she wrote this a few months ago, and still has his ashes.

*

My dad died on the 24^th of April, 2009, and I have thought of letting go of his ashes many times in that time but either due to co-ordination of schedules with my mum and sister or my inability to let go, I am faced with possibly letting go today. It feels like my heart, amongst other organs, is being ripped apart.

I have been asking myself, am I ready? I want to create meaning to letting go of my dad’s ashes. But no date and nothing seems enough.

I have many similar personality traits to my dad. Is anything ever enough? I have thought about all sorts of ways to remember him or be connected. Writing in a journal just for him and I. Painting, drawing etc. but have been unable to even start doing those things because it means I will never have my dad in the flesh again, to hug, even to take for granted.

I sometimes get relief when I think nothing can tear us apart because I have his blood in my veins. Maybe that is it.

I feel a little pressure letting go today, because my sister does not live in the same city and I suppose I think that there’s is no individual day.

I have been thinking I might do something today as a remembrance before I say goodbye. My dad loved food. So maybe a one and one lunch, so to speak.

My dad loved life. No matter what the odds were, he beat them. He touched so many people’s life with his humour and wit. He had willpower that was unexplainable. He lived life on his terms. And thinking of that makes me so proud. When I think of the legacy my dad left me, that is to live life to the fullest and beyond, no limits, no hesitation, be who you are.

He was a great man in the sense that he had the courage before he died to make his apologies for any hurt he caused to those closest to him, to me. I saw in my dad’s eyes the love he felt for me and how important it was to him for me to know he loved me. My heart was open to his words, after all how many parents admit that they hold their firstborn to a higher standard or that they are stricter with the child most like themselves, or share the trueness of their own lives. For me, now, there is no greater gift.

He let my mum know that he appreciated everything she did for him and that she was the only woman he loved. He told his doctor that he had done his best and knew he could not play God. He also aired his views and made peace with those that wronged him.

And he died the way he wanted to, at home. Amazingly he was not sick at the time of his death. And although he was taken early, in the autumn of his life, he did his best to hang on for as long as he could, as much I wish it was longer.

I have decided to take one-day at a time to honour my dad’s life. He is still alive to me. I still feel his presence.

As I step into a new horizon, I take with me the gifts of the man who gave me life, twice, once at my birth, now by his legacy, my dad.

I love you dad and I thank you for our time together.

*

This was my reply:

What a lovely tribute to your dad. I totally know where you are coming from on this. We hung onto my dad’s ashes for about a year before the time felt “right” to do something about them. I’m glad we did because the four of us (siblings) got to be there together.

It has not been very long at all since you lost your dad… it may not feel right for some time to fully let go of him, and right now, the ashes are what is left of his physical form. However, when you think about it in greater terms, like you alluded to, he will always exist in your blood, in your memories, in the actions he did while he was here, and in all sorts of ways we can’t even begin to understand.

For a long time after my mom died, I had to tell myself that she was just on a trip somewhere, or busy with one of the other kids, because I couldn’t deal with the finality of it. But now I feel like both my parents are with me all the time, and with my siblings all the time. Finally, they are not torn between us, since we all lived in different places, but shared among us. You will ALWAYS have your dad as a huge part of you, with or without the ashes. Releasing them is just symbolic of an internal feeling of acceptance. There’s no need to rush that.

Thank you for sharing this with me… I am honored and humbled to be allowed a glimpse into your life.

*

What about you?

Have you experienced this, or something like it? Have you lost a loved one and found closure, or a great way to honor them? Do you have any words of wisdom or comfort for a grieving soul?

Thanks!!

Letters from Readers: Remembering Lost Loved Ones is a post from: Quest for Balance

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I learned what a blog was in January of this year (2009). From my very first post until my most recent, there has been one blogger always present, always smiling, always spreading love… Lance, from The Jungle of Life. He may not even know it, because we haven’t talked at great length, but I have watched and admired him for a long time.

When I first visited his blog I did what I always do with a new blog, I went to read his earliest posts… the ones before he knew for certain what direction his blog would take. His April 30, 2008 post “Are You Having Fun?” absolutely inspired me and helped me clarify in my own mind what I believe is important. From that day forward a change has been brewing in my household, one which I’ll post about on Monday. That post, along with all of Lance’s writing, and comments, and tweets, are clear examples of what a loving and compassionate soul he is.

In fact, this week, when I posted a letter from a reader who needed some comfort and words of wisdom, Lance was the first to jump in there and lend his support. The reader told me his comments had her in tears for all sorts of reasons, but mostly because she couldn’t get over how caring he was towards a complete, anonymous stranger.

But that’s just Lance.

And I’m not the only one who knows this. Bloggers and readers alike come out of the woodworks to show their appreciation for Lance’s writing. When he posts his Sunday Thought For The Day (which I have become completely addicted to, by the way), it may be just a tiny quote, but he has a TON of comments. Part of the reason for this is that he chooses great quotes, but mostly it’s because we all know he is a GREAT guy… who is sharing his loving and compassionate heart with the rest of us.

For example, on a recent Sunday he posted a quote by Mark Houlahan, “If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page.” This one received 60 comments from avid supporters. I rarely comment ’cause I’m more of a lurker, but I read it, and was completely inspired by it, particularly in light of our new life decisions.

Another one that spoke directly to my soul was by Steve Jobs:

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes–the ones who see things differently–they’re not fond of rules. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things–they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” (85 Comments on this one!)

Beautiful.

Anyway, for today’s Fellowship Fridays I just wanted to let Lance know how much I appreciate and admire what he does and, more importantly, who he is. I also would like to encourage you, if you haven’t already, to stop by and visit Lance’s Jungle of Life.

If you have met Lance, please take a moment to share your impressions with my readers, and help me thank him for all that he does.

Thanks!!!

Fellowship Fridays: Lance’s Jungle of Life is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Jeff and I have been married for almost ten years, and I guess you could say we’re “happily married”. I really don’t have any point of comparison because Jeff is my first husband. But I don’t even remotely want a divorce and, as far as I know, neither does he… so, for the time being, I’d say ours counts as a happy marriage.

But there was a time, in our first few years, when I nearly divorced him… because of a coloring book incident. Yup, a coloring book.

Hunter and I went to San Diego to visit Ali for a week. Jeff stayed in Georgia because he had to work. One night I called his cell phone, expecting to find him home and ready for bed, when I heard a woman’s voice in the background. “Who’s that?” I asked, as casually as I could manage.

“Oh, that’s Alyssa… you know, from work; I am at her house.”

Well… THERE was something I did not expect to hear. “Oh yeah?” I said, pretending my heart wasn’t racing.

“I was out with Joe, and he recently started dating her. So we stopped by here.”

“OH, OK… your FRIEND is dating her.” I was a little relieved to hear this, but not entirely because, a few years before meeting Jeff, I had been through something similar. Only that guy, Prince Charming, was actually sleeping with a bunch of women who he SAID were dating his friends. Or, maybe they were dating his friends, but that didn’t stop him from sleeping with them anyway. I never knew it, though. I trusted him blindly, like an idiot, and found out about it only AFTER the relationship ended.

“But,” I kept telling myself, “that was Prince Charming; he was a liar, a sociopath, a cruel and heartless jerk! Surely Jeff is different… he’s a nice guy.” I was rationalizing… or was I being naive again? This debate continued in my head during the entire San Diego trip and even after I got home, but I didn’t let Jeff know. After all, he hadn’t done anything wrong… that I could prove.

Then one day I was cleaning Hunter’s closet and found his Thomas the Tank Engine coloring book. I flipped through it, trying to decide if I should keep it or trash it, and found this note scribbled in pretty hand-writing:

“Hunter, thanks for letting me color in your book! Love, Alyssa“

My heart sank.

Oh… no… she… di’n't. This was straight out of “Fatal Attraction,” not only coming over to seduce my husband while I’m away, but leaving a note for ME to find among my son’s treasured belongings?! “How sick is SHE?” I remember thinking, “Whatever happened to trying not to be found out when you are screwing someone’s husband in their own house?” Obviously, she was trying to make a point: she was not going to be ignored.

The Confrontation

“What the (any expletive will do) is THIS?!” I demanded, showing him the note.

“I don’t know,” he said rather simply, all things considered.

“Really?! So, it’s just some weird coincidence that your friend’s girlfriend, your co-worker, was coloring in Hunter’s book here while Hunter and I were in San Diego?”

Still in an innocent, yet confused, tone he replied, “She’s never been here; I don’t know how that happened.”

This was Jeff’s response, and it was fairly convincing. But still, the evidence was in my hands! We went back and forth on the issue for WAY too long, with me refusing to believe his feeble excuses (determined not to fall for it again), and Jeff totally confused about how and, more importantly, WHY she got into our house and colored in Hunter’s book.

Tensions were running high, and time was running out. Jeff was trying to find a reasonable explanation for something that seemed completely UNreasonable. I was trying to muster the courage to pack my stuff and leave for good, with Hunter in tow.

“Wait!” Jeff broke the angst-ridden silence. “Wasn’t there a girl named Alyssa at your uncle’s house in New York, when we visited last month?”

“WHAT?!” I thought he was really stretching things to find an excuse. But he was serious when he said, “In New York… your niece was playing with another little girl and I think they were coloring!”

Just to humor him, since he was so adamant (and I really wanted a valid reason NOT to leave) I called my sister and asked her the name of the girl my niece had played with. When she responded, “Alyssa,” I heard a choir of angels sing, and all the tension was instantly lifted. “Hallelujah,” I thought, “he was telling the truth!”

Needless to say, I felt like an idiot. But more importantly, I couldn’t believe that my marriage almost ended over a misunderstanding about a coloring book! Granted, there was some left-over paranoia about being cheated on, but still… the whole incident happened because I jumped to conclusions.

We’ve never had another big fight since then, and I’ve never considered packing my bags since that night. I don’t jump to conclusions anymore. I don’t worry about being vulnerable anymore. I don’t expect the worst from him… I trust him.

As I was remembering this story the other day, I got to thinking… I wonder how many good relationships have ended over misunderstandings, jumping to conclusions, failed communications, and strange coincidences? Or how many long and drawn out arguments between couples or families are based entirely on false assumptions, when maybe there isn’t any REAL issue to argue about?

In our desperate desire to be right and to never get hurt again, I wonder how many of us make these stupid and careless mistakes that can cost us what we value most?

*

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Tuesdays through Thursdays, comments are closed on Quest for Balance (here’s why). Feel free to contact me directly at:

MyQuestForBalance (at) gmail (dot) com.

Thanks!!!

The Danger of Jumping to Conclusions is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Recently I received this letter from a reader:

I moved away from home when I was in my late teens. I don’t visit much now–at most maybe once a year, sometimes every other year–but I know I will fall apart when my parents die.

My mom and I fight and don’t get along (I don’t know what to do about it… I’ve tried everything), but my dad and I are very close. It makes visiting home nearly impossible as my mom is always upset at me, and my dad gets upset with my mom for her crazy ways.

About five years ago, a friend of my parents’ told me that my mom and dad fought like dogs over how to raise me. I was a bit of a handful when I was a teenager, and I think I drove a wedge between the two of them back then. Ugh… I hate to think about that.

I can imagine what you’re thinking: that you wished very badly that you still had your parents; what the heck am I complaining about (are you rolling your eyes?)? But what does one do when one parent, basically, doesn’t like me (I truly believe this) and we can’t communicate, and the other makes up for her deficiencies?

Do you happen to know of any good books that address healing the relationships of children and parents, or moms and daughters, specifically? I’d really love to work on this aspect of my life. I’m not proud of it, and it causes me a lot of sadness. Thanks for your help.

*

This was my reply to her:

Here’s the deal with any toxic relationship… You have two choices: avoid the person completely (to avoid poisoning your life), OR accept and love them as they are. The one choice you don’t have is changing the other person… in this case, your mom.

It is quite possible that back in the day, maybe when they first added children to their family, resentments between your parents started building. It is not easy adding babies to a romantic relationship. There’s a lot at stake and tensions run high. Where do those tensions go?

Sometimes couples take them out on each other, which often ends in divorce. Sometimes one or the other, or both, take them out on the kids. But when one parent takes it out on the children through abuse or neglect, and the other is protective of the kids, things can get really difficult. The closer the protective parent gets, the more alienated and resentful the other one becomes.

What’s my point?

The issues your mom has had about you and your family most likely run deep, and have little or nothing to do with you personally. You just happened to be a “convenient” place to dump those feelings. I know too many people who do this same thing with step-kids because they are so frustrated with the ex-spouse, and there is nowhere else for those feelings to go. The couples fight, and the kids get yelled at, even though they don’t have anything to do with it.

A friend of mine recently divorced, in part because her husband felt that he had lost his wife the day they had their first child. He never fully bonded with the children because he saw them as an intrusion on his life. But, as I’m sure you’ll agree, this is not the kids’ fault in any way, and the way he handled things is his own doing.

I say this because, if you can come to a point of feeling that the resentments in the past weren’t really ABOUT you, then you can start a new relationship with your mom, from this day forward.

In this relationship, you are a loving, patient, forgiving, understanding grown up. You feel for your mother because she is in a bad situation that she created (and most likely regrets), but you don’t take it personally when she says mean things. You respond only with love. Not the sarcastic kind, that says, “It’s OK mom, I forgive you for being so mean,” but the non-judgmental love that says nothing instead.

Acceptance.

She is how she is.

When my dad was manic, he said awful, horrible, often obscene and malicious things to us. At first we took them personally, but later we just felt sorry for him and looked forward to the good moments sure to come. When they did, we soaked them up and reveled in them, knowing they probably wouldn’t last. But we stopped adding fuel to the toxic fire.

Does this make any sense? My point is that you get to choose what you want out of any relationship, so long as you understand that the other person most likely never will change. Take the good, leave the bad.

*

Ordinarily comments are closed Tuesdays through Thursdays, but today I’d like to make an exception. I know I have lots of readers who are caring and compassionate, and who may have just the right words to help this young lady heal. If you are one of them, perhaps you could take a moment to share your thoughts on this subject. You never know what pearl of wisdom will make all the difference in someone else’s life.

Thanks!!!

(Photo Credit)

Letters From Readers: Healing Toxic Family Relationships is a post from: Quest for Balance

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