This is my son, Hunter, sitting on a boulder in the middle of a river, in my sister’s backyard in Costa Rica. I remember seeing him that day, thinking he looked sad, lonely, and bored. I had all but convinced myself that we should have waited to take our trip when his cousins were on vacation, so he’d have someone to play with.

I basically scolded myself and felt badly that, in my rush to get down there, I’d completely neglected his needs, and planned a trip that wasn’t going well for him at all.

Bad mommy.

Selfish mommy.

I could’ve done better.

But when I went over and asked him if he was bored or sad, he assured me he wasn’t at all. In fact, he was simply observing a line of ants, trying to get across a puddle, and he was trying to figure out how to build an ant bridge!

He was the opposite of bored; he was intrigued… fascinated… entertained… fully engaged in observing nature. That whole miserable scenario I was convinced of minutes before was entirely in my head. I noticed a few “clues” and filled in the blanks myself, creating an unhappy, fictitious narrative.

Why?

Recently, this sort of thing happened again. Hunter read The Little Prince on his own (we had read it together a few years ago). I asked him if he was sad about the end, when the snake killed the prince.

He thought I was kidding, and said, “Mommy! The snake didn’t kill the prince!”

I thought he wasn’t paying attention to what he was reading, but he WAS; it’s just that I know how to read between the lines. So I got the book to show him the sad scene, and highlighted the important clues:

*

Then I looked down toward the foot of the wall, and gave a great start! There, coiled in front of the little prince, was one of those yellow snakes that can kill you in thirty seconds. As I dug into my pocket for my revolver, I stepped back, but at the noise I made, the snake flowed over the sand like a trickling fountain, and without even hurrying, slipped away between the stones with a faint metallic sound.

I reached the wall just in time to catch my little prince in my arms, his face white as snow.

“What’s going on here? You’re talking to snakes now?”

I had loosened the yellow scarf he always wore. I had moistened his temples and made him drink some water. And now I didn’t dare ask him anything more. He gazed at me with a serious expression and put his arms around my neck. I felt his heart beating like a dying bird’s, when it’s been shot. He said to me:

“I’m glad you found what was the matter with your engine. Now you’ll be able to fly again…”

“How did you know?” I was just coming to tell him that I had been successful beyond all hope!

He didn’t answer my question; all he said was, “I’m leaving today, too.” And then, sadly, “It’s much further… It’s much more difficult.”

I realized that something extraordinary was happening. I was holding him in my arms like a little child, yet it seemed to me that he was dropping headlong into an abyss, and I could do nothing to hold him back.

His expression was very serious now, lost and remote. “I have your sheep. And I have the crate for it. And the muzzle…” And he smiled sadly.

I waited a long time. I could feel he was reviving a little. “Little fellow, you were frightened…” Of course he was frightened!

But he laughed a little. “I’ll be much more frightened tonight…”

Once again I felt chilled by the sense of something irreparable. And I realized I couldn’t bear the thought of never hearing that laugh again. For me it was like a spring of fresh water in the desert.

*

Every time I read this part, I cry like a baby. Or rather, I cry like a grown woman, who has lost loved ones and knows all too well how frail life can be.

I wish I could read it as he does, with no awareness of what is really happening… just enjoying the events of the story: prince talks to dangerous snake, snake goes away, prince and his friend are saying a sad farewell because the prince is going back to his planet, where he will be reunited with his rose (and live happily ever after).

THAT is how a child reads, taking everything at face value… not looking for innuendo, back story, sarcasm, irony, or making assumptions about anything. They read the words as they are written. Nowhere does it SAY, “the snake killed the prince.”

As grownups, we have learned the skill of INFERENCE.

According to Wikipedia, “inference is the process of drawing a conclusion by applying clues (of logic, statistics etc.) to observations or hypothesis; or by interpolating the next logical step in an intuited pattern.”

This is how we read between the lines. We see one thing written, but we INFER another. The mark of a true intellectual, right?

In fact, we do this in conversation, too. Someone tells us one thing, but we assume they mean another. We often suffer and agonize about what someone else “probably MEANT”, regardless of what they actually said, or did.

She gets upset if her guy wants to spend his weekends playing golf, or climbing mountains, because it CLEARLY means, he doesn’t love her! He gets frustrated when he asks her what’s wrong, and she says, “Nothing,” because OBVIOUSLY something is wrong… she has that pensive, sad, lonely, bored look (like Hunter had, on the river). We have mastered the skill of INFERENCE so that we can fill in the blanks in these, and other, complex situations.

We consider kids to be so simple and innocent because they are ignorant of the REAL, underlying meaning of things.

But are they?

What IS the “real” meaning of anything? How do we know what is “really” happening?

Maybe we (grownups) are over-complicating things by looking for hidden meaning in events that just ARE.

Maybe we could learn to simply enjoy our life story as a kid would, without looking for sinister sub-plots, or tragic endings. Perhaps this inference skill we worked so hard to master is actually undermining our ability to appreciate the happiness that is already present in our lives.

Without inference, the little prince (and you) could live happily ever after.

What do you think?

Do you read your life story AS IT IS WRITTEN? Or, do you fill in the blanks to your own detriment? Are you in the habit of automatically assuming the worst? Do you accept the words and actions of others at face value?

Thanks!!!

One Skill Undermines Your Quest for Happiness is a post from: Quest for Balance

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I get asked how I stay thin fairly regularly, because I make no secret of my likes (sweets) and dislikes (cardio, resistance, and endurance training), and yet I weigh less now than I did before pregnancy.

It is tempting to chock it up to genetics, but that’s not really the case. I have lots of family members who are significantly over weight. I attribute my fortuitous circumstance to Free Will (not willpower, as in denying indulgences, but freedom of choice).

Here’s the deal: this is not rocket science. It is a simple equation.

Calories Consumed must be less than or equal to Calories Burned.

I already know, as a given, I will not burn a lot of calories each day; therefore, I can’t consume very many. That’s it. That’s the whole trick to it.

So, what does this look like in real life?

* Most days, I have two meals. I eat brunch around 10 or 11, and I eat the next meal around 5 or 6. My morning starts with coffee, ’cause I’m Costa Rican, and that’s just how it goes. Since I’m not real active, my body doesn’t need much “fuel” to get through a day. When I used to exercise regularly, I was hungry all the time. The more you burn, the more you get to consume.

* If I must eat between meals, I have “fregetables,” or tea. This means fruits or vegetables, as in stuff that grows in gardens and still looks the same when it is at the grocery store as it did the day it was picked. This does not include any dressings, dipping sauces, or creams… just produce, and tea that still looks like leaves.

* “Goodies” are not on my grocery list, and don’t make it in my cart. At any given time, if you look in my fridge, you will see condiments, eggs, dairy, and produce. My pantry has rice, beans, oats, and pasta (for Hunter). If there is no “junk” in the house, most of the time (especially late at night), I won’t eat it.

* If I must buy “goodies” (when I have visitors), I store them strategically. My refrigeration habits are a bit backwards, because I keep the most perishable stuff, like fregetables, on the racks. Any “junk” (if we have it) is in the drawers at the bottom, or hidden behind things. If I was faced with the goodies every time I opened the fridge, I’d go for them first, on impulse. Hiding them is a preemptive psychological strike.

* I keep a mental calorie “budget”. If I know I will be eating pizza tonight, I consume very little during the day. If today was a “special occasion” (aka: excuse to strap on the feed trough), I’d consume less for the next three to five days. I may pass on the wine to have dessert. I usually take half the meal home (to have dessert). I have only a limited amount of calories to play with, so I “spend” them sparingly.

Keep in mind:

1. I do not own a scale. I gauge my weight based on how my clothes fit (and the occasional doc visit).

2. I don’t have a set number of daily or weekly calories. Count calories? See #1.

3. I eat anything I want, in moderation. My gauge for moderation? See #1.

4. I allow for emotional eating days, knowing I’ll consume extra calories at times.

5. I DON’T allow EVERY day to be an emotional eating day. When my clothes don’t fit like they should, I start to evaluate what is making me want to eat.

6. I don’t mind feeling hungry sometimes. I figure it is because I’m in a calorie deficit (aka: burning fat), and don’t feel the pressing need to immediately remedy the situation.

7. I work hard at staying thin… just not in the “no pain, no gain” sort of way.

8. I have no medical or scientific findings to support my approach, but I really don’t care. Life is too short to worry about every little thing. I’m basically healthy, and I truly despise intentional exercise. I can’t help it.

Basically, the way I stay thin is I constantly choose:

to pass on some things so I can have others;

to limit my portion sizes so I can eat anything;

to reduce temptation by shopping smart;

to fill in the gaps between meals with fregetables;

to embrace my Sedentary Nature, and make it work for me… like the sloth, in Life of Pi:

“The three-toed sloth lives a peaceful, vegetarian life in perfect harmony with its environment. ‘A good-natured smile is forever on its lips,’ reported Tirler (1966). I have seen that smile with my own eyes. I am not one given to projecting human traits and emotions onto animals, but many a time during that month in Brazil, looking up at sloths in repose, I felt I was in the presence of upside-down yogis deep in meditation or hermits deep in prayer, wise beings whose intense imaginative lives were beyond the reach of my scientific probing.” –Yann Martel

No matter what “they” say, we aren’t all created equal. Some babies have a crazy high metabolism, and are active from day one (like my hubby). Some aren’t quite so high-strung, and enjoy calm, quiet activities (like me).

I’m getting a little tired of constantly being told I NEED daily exercise by people who haven’t learned how to sit still and be at peace. Believe it or not, we don’t all NEED exactly the same things. He who speaks loudest isn’t always right.

What do YOU think?

Is it possible to live a normal, healthy life, enjoying the things we love while avoiding the things we hate… even if what we hate is the holiest of holies that NO ONE can live without, “exercise”?

Or, are you pretty certain I’m doomed to suffer the wrath of the gods for refusing to do as I’m told?

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How I Stay Thin Despite My Neurotic Aversion to Intentional Exercise, and Obsessive Love of Desserts is a post from: Quest for Balance

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I am in awe of what Lisis, Jeff, and Hunter are doing. I am really very happy and excited for them, and a little scared, but I truly believe this will be an amazing experience for them–an experience that will create lasting memories and fabulous stories for years to come.

When Lisis asked me for some simple tips on living frugally, I jumped at the chance for two reasons: First, I love the concept of frugality and the simplicity that comes with being frugal. Second, I’m thrilled to be able to contribute to their amazing, epic journey. Here are my top five frugal tips for living on less.

Making Your Money Go Further

1. Reduce non-essentials. This will vary from person to person as what is essential to one may not be to another. Lisis has given up her favorite coffee creamer and I would consider this a non-essential (well done by the way!). Consider living without:

• cell phones
• cable TV or satellite
• magazine subscriptions
• eating out at restaurants
• going to movie theatres
• pop and junk food
• going out for coffee
• buying souvenirs
• brand name anything

2. Get physical. I know Lisis HATES exercise, but you can really save a lot of money on fuel, car insurance, maintenance, and repairs by leaving the car at home as often as possible. Get some activity while spending less by walking, roller blading, or riding a bike to your next destination. If getting there requires transportation, consider public transport or car-pooling.

3. Live off the grid. I love this idea. I initially read about this on fivecentnickle.com. It’s a great idea for reducing costs around using electricity. For one day each week (or as often as you like), live off the grid. Turn the power in your home off at the breakers, with the obvious exceptions of fridges and freezers. I love this idea not only because it reduces cost, but it’s good for the environment and allows you to get out and spend time reconnecting with family and having fun.

4. Avoid pre-packaged or fast food. Nowadays we pay for convenience, plain and simple. Anyone who buys a fast-food cheeseburger likely isn’t doing it because it tastes better than what they can make at home. They do it because it’s quicker and easier but it’s also more expensive. Making meals from scratch is one of my frugal faves. Food tastes better when you make it from scratch and you can alter any recipe to suit your tastes. My all time favorite recipe site is allrecipes.com. Take tacos for example, surely you have to buy the package of taco seasoning to add to the ground beef? Nope! There’s a recipe for that and it tastes amazing! Whatever you want to make check allrecipes first it’s bound to be there.

5. Plan your meals. This goes hand in hand with point 4. Meal planning isn’t rocket science but it can save you a lot of time and a lot of money. Planning meals makes shopping a lot quicker, reduces (if not eliminates) impulse purchases and gets rid of the age old question “what’s for dinner?”

Other Frugal Tips to Get You Thinking

• use cloth napkins not paper
• line dry clothing
• drink water… lots of water
• use coupons and take advantage of sales for items you use anyway
• use kitchen towels to clean up messes instead of paper towels
• pack lunches, snacks and drinks for day trips out
• make coffee at home and take it in a travel mug
• dig deep into your pantry and freezer and use up what you have…all of it
• reconsider buying physical gifts for people and opt for creating experiences instead
• downsize your home and/or car - easier said than done I realize but definitely worth looking into
• if you truly need to buy “stuff” buy as much as you can second hand
• get a friend to cut your hair or do it yourself
• use only cash not credit credit cards when making any purchase
• buy in bulk, cook in bulk and freeze meals
• grow your own fruits and vegetables and can or freeze the excess
• make your own cleaning solutions using vinegar, baking soda or lemon juice
• downgrade your Internet package from uber-fast to fast

Frugality to me is not the same as being cheap. For me being frugal is being smart and purposeful with my spending. I choose to spend money on on things that matter to me and that add value. Keeping in mind that there is a difference between a need and a want, is crucial to smarter spending. I’m always looking for frugal tips and ways to reduce waste so please share in the comments if you have more to add, I’d love to hear them!

Lisis, Jeff, and Hunter, I hope this helps a bit and you’re able to take away a thing or two that may just stretch your savings a little bit further. I wish you the best of luck and much happiness on your journey. You’re quite the inspirational family!

Photo courtesy of: Steve Wampler

Frugal Tips: How to Make Your Money Go Further is a post from: Quest for Balance

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Earlier this week I headed down to the town square for lunch with Jeff at a groovy little place, called The Corner Cafe. On my way there I ran into this artist, Alan Kuykendall, who was working on a mural to cover up the graffitti some kids had scribbled all over the beautiful brick wall.

I have seen his work around town, and heard his name for years, but never had the chance to meet him. So I went over and rudely interrupted his work… which he didn’t seem to mind. I asked him how long it takes him to finish a mural like the one he was working on. He said he’d started the day before and was halfway done.

“Really?!” I gasped, sounding like an idiotic groupie, I’m sure.

“You know,” he said, “People tend to assume an artist is a genius because he can finish a painting in a day or two. What they don’t take into account is all the time that was spent in advance, planning and preparing for the finished product.”

And that makes sense… doesn’t it?

He didn’t just come along one day and paint a beautiful mural in two days. He’s been preparing for this his whole life, especially the past few weeks, when he designed and mapped out this particular piece. He said, by the time he’s working on the wall, it’s like a paint-by-numbers drawing, and he knows which colors go with each number.

That’s not to say he isn’t an amazing artist, because he certainly IS that. But it wasn’t just a stroke of genius that got him to this point. It was a zillion strokes of practice, hard work, and determination, fueled by a passion for creative expression and a curiosity about life.

I asked him if I could take his picture for my blog about finding a balance between the things we have to do and the things we want to do. He agreed, and said that he and his friend (who makes banjos for a living) were recently talking about this very thing. I’ll paraphrase what he said:

Most people spend their weekends dreading the coming work week, and their days commuting, working, and wishing they were somewhere else. We wake up every morning… stretch… and say, “What do I want to do today?”

It isn’t that these two have nothing to do… in fact, they both have full schedules. But the tasks are projects they choose and enjoy. Their schedules are somewhat flexible, and they aren’t entirely slaves to them, like most people are. This reminded me of my favorite Victor Frankl quote:

“What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task… the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.”

One of the things that allows this sort of freedom to be possible is eliminating non-essentials. Mr. Kuykendall hasn’t watched T.V. in ten years. He no longer desires the fancy things money can buy. He values his free time, creative endeavors, and relationships far more than the acquisition and accumulation of “stuff”. He needs little, so he always has plenty. He views life as an ongoing adventure.

(My kind of guy!)

I could’ve stayed there all day, but he had work to do, and I had a lunch date waiting next door. I ordered this insanely awesome sandwich, called “Rosemary’s Baby’s Daddy,” and sat there thinking about how happy I was finally to have met him, and how nice it is to know others who have found a way to balance what life requires with the pursuit of passion, fulfillment, and joy.

It IS possible. There is ALWAYS a way. Don’t settle for wishing your life away, dreaming of a day when things can be different. Every day is that day. In every moment you have the opportunity to choose to make the most of your life. Life is too short to be wasted, and too long to be spent being miserable.

Find the balance that works for YOU.

*

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Thanks!!!

A Living Example of Balance and Passion is a post from: Quest for Balance

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When I was in college I read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy novels by Doulgas Adams, or as they are often referred to, “a trilogy in five parts”. I didn’t realize it at the time, but everything I needed to know about life, the universe, and everything was somewhere in those books. Granted, I had to sift through a considerable amount of nonsense to get to the good stuff, but then, isn’t that exactly how life works?

Here are ten passages from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that I think make particularly useful life lessons. I hope you’ll find a lot of good stuff here as well.

1. “There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

It has always baffled me that so many people are fanatically devoted to finding THE Truth… the one and only answer to everything that should apply to everyone at all times. I just don’t think it works that way… there are too many variables, and not enough absolutes. Even if we could find the answer today, I believe it would no longer apply tomorrow.

Everything is constantly changing. Nothing lasts. Maybe if we weren’t so worried about finding the right answers, we could focus on enjoying the questions, the uncertainties, the endless options and opportunities. Believe it or not, there is a liberating joy in NOT knowing.

2. “Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”

What is it with people these days? We barely communicate at all unless it is to spread bad news, or gossip, or fear. Is it the fact that misery loves company? If I’m unhappy, do I want to hear about everyone else who is more unhappy so I can feel better? Or maybe it’s that bad news helps us appreciate what we have for a brief moment in time… until we start taking it for granted again.

If we could figure out what those “special laws” are that make bad news spread so quickly, maybe we could apply them to good news, positivity, and stories of compassion and kindness. What if those spread like wild fire and were covered in the media around the clock? We might actually start feeling pretty good about ourselves and the world we live in. I try not to pay attention to the bad stuff, since it doesn’t seem to make anything better.

3. “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”

On many occasions I have had the opportunity to play armchair psychologist for family and friends… and a few random strangers I’ve met in the ladies room of restaurants, clubs, and bars, because that’s where women always end up crying when their dates are less than stellar. But my point is, when these people seek my advice and counsel, they do so in a determined and convincing way.

And yet, when I’m done sharing my experiences and life lessons, they usually ignore everything I tell them and go back to doing exactly what they were doing before (and hoping for different results). At first I took this personally, and got very frustrated, not wanting to help anyone. Then I realized it isn’t really about the advice since they won’t learn from MY experiences anyway. What helps is the listening, sharing, and caring, regardless of the results.

4. “Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word ‘safe’ that I wasn’t previously aware of.”

This lesson is currently being drilled into our heads from all around us. Remember the days when corporate jobs, retirement accounts, medical insurance, and investing in a home were all considered “safe”? The “safe” route to happiness was to get good grades, go to college, find a prestigious career, make a lot of money, get married, and have a few kids. This was what they all but promised us when we were growing up… if you do these things, you will be playing it safe.

“Safe”? Really?! Because that “safe” path has led numerous people into situations of complete misery: unfulfilling work, depleted life savings, complicated divorces, denied medical claims… these have been the result of staying on the “safe” path. You know what? I think I’ll take my chances on the other one. Call it what you want, at least there I have a real chance at happiness.

5. “The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.”

We are constantly planning and scheming, trying to avoid all the little things that might go wrong. There’s insurance, emergency funds, and all the other things we have and do “just in case” something unexpected happens. But the truth is, those are hardly ever a problem. What really happens, and knocks the wind out of us, is what we never expect and can’t do anything about, like the loss of a loved one, divorce, recession…

When THOSE things happen, we simply are not prepared… how could we be? How could I have been prepared for my mom to die when I was 25? That was one of those things that are just NOT supposed to happen. But the important thing is that even after those huge, unexpected things happen, life goes on. We worry ourselves to death over dumb little things that could be easily dealt with if they actually came to pass, and they rarely do.

6. “Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

This is true for just about any job or role in life: if they can talk the talk, they often can’t walk the walk. Campaigning is vastly different from managing or leading a country. Sweet talking Casanovas who have all the right moves and know just what to say are not usually marriage material. Often what it takes to GET the job is totally different from what it takes to DO the job.

We need to learn to look past appearances, past the deliberate attempt at seeming perfect, to see the REAL person inside. REAL people are not perfect; they are rough around the edges, make mistakes, learn from them, and keep going… and that’s exactly what it takes to get the job done.

7. “Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.”

What is needed is a shift in perspective. Does any of this really matter in the long run? All the little things that stress us out and make us suffer… are they worth all that? Sometimes I sit and watch an anthill after my son has poked it with a stick (because what kid can walk past an anthill and NOT disturb it?) and try to imagine what each little ant is thinking.

They are running around, stressed out about the fiasco, worried about how they will get it fixed in time for night, or rain, or winter. Maybe they are cursing the fates because everything they worked so hard to achieve is now completely destroyed. For all I know, an ant or two had a heart attack from the stress and anxiety!

Then I think of the human colony as just another little tribe on a tiny patch of earth in an enormous universe. How are we any different? Why do WE stress out about our “little crises”? Things will work themselves out… they always do.

8. “He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

People always like to attribute success to genius… or to some rare quality that one individual possesses that the rest of us don’t, because that excuses us from achieving anything great. But the fact is, most successful people did not start out as super-gifted prodigies. They were ordinary people, maybe even naive and incompetent people, who just didn’t give up.

They practiced, asked questions, tried things, made mistakes, took chances,and kept at it until… eventually, they succeeded. At least, this is what I’d like to believe, because I’m in that second category… my strategy is asking questions, trial and error, and perseverance.

9. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

Society’s rules and rigidity are a little laughable to me. For most of us, if we miss a deadline or fail to deliver, nothing major happens. Yet everyone likes to act like if we don’t cross our t’s and dot our i’s, the world will fall apart. I think it’s great to have goals, to aim for something in life, to make plans and set “soft” deadlines. But we should recognize that they are merely suggestions, only valid if every variable works out as we expected… which is hardly ever the case.

Expecting everything to work out as planned is a sure recipe for disappointment. Instead, head in a certain direction, and make the necessary adjustments along the way.

10. “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

(Really? You want me to elaborate on this?)

*

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Tuesdays through Thursdays, comments are closed on Quest for Balance (here’s why). Feel free to contact me directly at:

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10 Reasons Why Douglas Adams Might as Well Be a Guru is a post from: Quest for Balance

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