Learning and Becoming: Six Life Lessons
October 30, 2009
Please Note: This is a guest post by my spiritual twin, Zeenat Merchant-Syal, from Positive Provocations. Remember to subscribe (free) to her blog by Email or RSS.
“Taking charge of your own learning is a part of taking charge of your life, which is the sine qua non in becoming an integrated person. “
Warren G. Bennis
When Lisis recently wrote about her life in Nobody Trips Over Mountains, I was deeply moved to the core. Her story, and her being able to share it with the world, is simply courageous on her part. That post nudged me to become courageous too; well not as much as Lisis, but I’m trying.
Today, here, I am mustering the courage to be able to share a little of my life with you all. No, I might not be able to share every detail; I still don’t have the courage for that. But I can certainly share what I have learned on the way, in the hope that it might be of some value to you as well.
My simple learning journey, becoming the person that I am today:
1. Everyone has problems in their lives
Everyone goes through ups and downs. I like to think of every experience good or bad as a GEM. A gem is always a gem full of light and beauty, whichever way you turn it. So are our experiences, full of lessons of life. I know my life is no different from any of yours. Nor are my problems bigger than any of yours.
I know that NOW. At the time, while in the eye of the storm, everything seemed to be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anybody. But that’s far from the truth, ’cause there are people with far worse problems.
So, from a turbulent childhood, to a heart broken one too many times, to a psychologically, emotionally and physically violent ex-marriage, to a father’s death, to a younger brother’s death, to a mother’s breakdown (who is now perfectly fine), to finding myself, finding love, finding happiness, finding my true calling, and most of all having a baby, and to starting my blog… I can safely say ‘been there done that’! Phew !!
OK it doesn’t look like a pretty great picture, but it was a great journey. I learned so many valuable lessons and am still learning every single day. So it’s safe to say my journey is still going strong.
2. There’s no need to put up a brave front all the time
When I was stuck in a horrible marriage for three years, I put up a brave front. Everyone who saw me, thought I was the happiest married girl alive. I thought it beyond my dignity to admit that I was in a horrible situation and I needed help. Maybe in those three years, if I had confided in someone and been open about my problems, I wouldn’t have suffered for so long. I would have found a way out sooner.
3. It’s OK to ask for help
When the breaking point came after three years, I picked up the phone and called my mum. She welcomed me with open arms, no questions asked. All my friends, brothers, family… everyone, OK almost everyone, understood and tried to be supportive. Which in itself was a big revelation for me, ’cause I actually thought they would oppose my decision for a divorce. It’s with their support at that time that I completed my degree and got my Masters.
4. It’s OK to cry
I still have the habit in me to put up a brave front. I still refuse to show if I am hurting. But, it’s a very opaque habit now. It’s there, maybe it’s my nature; but that’s not an excuse to be Miss Brave all the time. I am human, I feel and so I cry too. The time I was dating my baby’s daddy, because of all the problems I had gone through with my previous marriage, I was like a closed vault. I refused to let him IN and I refused to drop down my guard. But he held on, he didn’t let go. He took all the crap and the negativity I threw at him, and still held on.
And then, one fine day, I broke down. I must’ve cried for hours, I think it was all night. All that was pent up was coming out. That was the turning point of our relationship. It was on that very day we decided to get married or rather I decided, ’cause he had already made up his mind to spend his life with me. Two months from that day, and after seeing each other for more than three years , we were husband and wife.
Today I proudly say I am Happily married, ’cause I can truly understand and feel in my core what Happy means. You have to drop your guard and just let go sometimes, in order for you to truly be happy and experience life.
5. Embrace Your imperfections
I have seen how I, and many others, have a fixation for being like someone. I am still very moved by a few huge personalities: Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dale Carnegie, and Deepak Chopra, to name a few. Notice how I go from the self-sacrificing kind to the more realistic kind. Well over the years that’s what’s happened. This thing about being like someone has gone away.
Today I know what my assets are, I know what my shortcomings are, and I know Me. I can’t be or try to be like someone else ’cause it will mean I will lose my own personality in the bargain. Nobody or any personality is perfect! You’re Not Perfect, so why try to be?? I prefer embracing my imperfections, ’cause that’s what makes me, and each one of us, unique.
Rather than hiding our flaws, why not look into how they can be of use to help those around you? Like my blabbery and jabbery self, which was a bad thing while I was in school; my teachers would always complain “too talkative”, but it is now a good thing when I counsel my patients and give motivational seminars. Being talkative has helped me help others.
6. Help others to help yourself
In my most unhappy hours, I have made it a point to get out there and do some kind of social work, like visiting old age homes, visiting a special needs children’s center just to play with the kids there, or just asking my domestic helper how her day is going and lending her a kind ear. These small acts of acknowledging another human being magically make me feel better.
In opening up my heart to another person’s problems, my problems fade away. This is the very reason I started my blog. To help. To be of service, not just in the geographical location where I stay, but wherever my blog may reach. I know this is my True calling: “To ease and be of service to another human being.”
I hope at the end of this learning journey, while I lay to rest, I have no regrets. For I want to be able to open up my treasure box full of lovely gems (experiences) and say, “I’m rich, ’cause I know each and every shining gem, and I have adorned my life with each and every one of them.”
What are some of the life lessons you have learned during your journey?
Related posts:
- Adventure: Lessons From Niagara Falls
- When Life Knocks You Down
- Inspiration from Kurt Vonnegut: Life Beyond Computers
- Inspiration from Osho: Three Truths About Life
- Inspiration: Nobody Trips Over Mountains
Posted in Fellowship Fridays, Life, Overcoming Challenges
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Hi, Zeenat!
Thank you for this beautiful guest post. When I first read through it, I just wanted to come over there and hug you. I know that you are in a good place now, but I hate the thought of you going through all these phases, getting around all these pebbles. The only comfort I can draw from this is that it is these difficult moments that make us who we are. Charcoal will only become a diamond under pressure. And you, my dear, have certainly become a beautiful diamond.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with us.
Huge Hugs!!!
Hi Lisis,
Thank you so much for the opportunity and the courage to be able to bare myself so openly here. It took a lot of courage on my part…but i am glad I did. I feel like a weight has been lifted…and i am in a way free.
Thank you for that.
Lots and lots of love to you my Soul Twin!!
HUGS!!!
p.s.My hubby is a little under the weather today, but i will try and pop in as and when i get a chance to reply to any comments.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Our Life’s Shelter
Hi Zeenat!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. It is really inspiring to read about all the difficulties you have faced, and the obstacles you have overcome to become the beautiful soul you are today. Like Lisis said, I’m sorry you had so many pebbles, but I am thankful that you became the person you are today, cause that person is beautiful.
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Thou Shalt Not Sell Out
Zeenat, your first two points hit home the most for me. I often wish it were easier for married couples to be open about the difficulties of marriage and to be able to ask for help without always having to pretend that everything is perfect. Thank you for being a guest blogger here today.
Daphne´s last blog ..Who Am I?
Zeenat, these are wise words. Number 5 “Embrace your Imperfections” is so very important. It’s difficult to do in a society bombarded with TV, Magazines, and Advertising that portray and encourage the perfect body. I have psoriasis (basically my skin produces too many skin cells which causes red flakey blotches on my skin.) This was difficult for me when I was a teenager, especially when the warm weather came, and I wanted to spend time shirtless at the beach. I gradually learned to just accept that as part of me, and now I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If anyone care to ask, I’ll happily explain it to them, but most people don’t seem to mind my red blotches. And, even without the perfect body, I was able to find a special lady to spend my life with.
Once again, great list, and thanks for guest posting!
Eric´s last blog ..Walking across america – 10,000 steps at a time
Hi Zeenat,
Thank you so much for being so open about your journey and sharing it with all of us. Like you, my past was a very difficult one filled lots of pain and suffering both emotionally and physically. I know how hard it can be to overcome such struggles. However, whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger. And your strength shines through.
Ironically, I was just telling someone the other day that in so many ways I am grateful for that painful past for it made me who I am now. It was all a blessing in disguise even though it hurt like hell going through it.
Based on what you wrote here, your comments at my blog and your blog post…you have learned a lot through your suffering and that is a wonderful thing to observe. You go, girl! Keep shining bright!
Love and hugs,
Nadia
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Chillin’ with the Saltwater Buddha: Being Spiritual in a Material World
Hi, guys! I’ll let Zeenat reply to each person but just wanted to mention two things:
1. Eric… you have warmed my heart with this sentence, “And, even without the perfect body, I was able to find a special lady to spend my life with.”
2. Daphne… you’ve brought up a major issue I’ve been thinking about lately, regarding marriage. Why do we always have to give the appearance of a perfect marriage? Lots of people I know who are divorced might have been able to save their marriage, or get out sooner, had they been able to talk to each other or their friends and loved ones openly about what was going on. But no one wants to admit that THEIR marriage is difficult.
I’ve got news for everyone out there: EVERY marriage is difficult at times. The only way it isn’t is if you aren’t really IN it… if you don’t have skin in the game, and just coast through it protected by indifference. But what kind of marriage would that be? We need to get over ourselves and our desire to pretend everything is perfect and start talking, REALLY talking about what is going on.
Anyway, thanks for mentioning that… I need someone (hint, hint) to write a hellacious guest post about that subject.
Hi Zeenat!
Many hugs to you for the courage it takes to share the “gems”! I love that use of the word gem. What a perfect choice, Zeenat. And by turning each gem, the sparkles of light hit — I’m all excited at this! There are times our language fails us – this was NOT one of those times! What a gift you are for using this beautiful word to describe our pains and joys – our education really.
My jewelry box has quite a few gems too! I polish them off from time to time, looking at the light and bright side of each “rock” that has been transformed over time. Hard to believe we actually chose some of these to begin with, but alas, lessons!!! I know I would not be the person I am now were it not for those! And life will bring more but I would hope that I have the attitude of “this too shall pass” and the faith and confidence that the light will sparkle on these gems too!
Your light shines brightly, Zeenat! It’s a blessing to all! Thank you!
@ Jay- You’re the one i should be thanking. I get so much courage from reading your journey. We all in our own ways have gone through so much, but coming together and being able to share and get all this awesome support….now that in my eyes is a true Miracle. I feel like I am getting this massive positive energy HUg
Thank you Jay always, for being such a wonderful person and always being so so supportive.
@Daphne- I know, marriage can be very hard at times, and very sweet like candy at times too. I know I say I am happy NOW in my marriage, but, its safe to say, that we are both making it work. It doesnt happen one way. Both have to work hard to keep the relationship alive and kicking. And in times of crisis if one is down, the other should be able to support. As its said, you can only clap with both hands! I do wish people had a more open approach to partnerships. As lisis rightly pointed out..its hard work…and it aint always a piece of cake…but if youre in it for the long run and know that this is my soulmate. for better or for worse, then you have to make that extra effort and talk about it and resolve these issues. Cause if these issues are left to simmer in the heart, they become irrepairable wounds..and we might never find a healing cure for them. Thank you fro your thoughtful comment Daphne
Lots of love to you.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Our Life’s Shelter
Thank you, beautiful Zeenat, for sharing your heart and soul here. I am hugging the “you” who was and the”you” that is. The journey to where you are now may be full of pain, but without that pain, you may not have emerged to where you are. Kudos to you for being brave and sharing. Just knowing all the you have conquered is helpful to me in facing my life struggles. Thank you, thank you.
Jill´s last blog ..Knowing when to stay down
Wow, Zeenat, your post is beautiful!
I can definitely relate to what you’re saying here and you offered awesome advice.
Like Nadia mentioned, because you’ve safely passed through some very rough water, it has made you the person you are today.
And, Zeenat, you are BEAUTIFUL!
I know that describing experiences that are painful or personal can be very difficult, as I also recently discussed some very personal issues over at my blog, but know that it helps others so very much by sharing who you are with us.
Your going out on a limb offers others a life line in certain respects. And I respect you for offering a part of you to us today. It helps me get to know you, and I love who I see.
I completely enjoyed your parting thought, “I’m rich, ’cause I know each and every shining gem, and I have adorned my life with each and every one of them.â€
Thank you, Zeenat, for being here today, and thank you Lisis, for hosting her at your blog.
Lori´s last blog ..Jane Makes Me Feel Warm and Loving
I really really really love the gem analogy.
Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..Make A Difference Today
Hi Zeenat.
I have snippets seen pop up in your comments here and there about your journey and how you gathered your gems but it is great to hear you so gracefully fuly share it here.
Yes, who is to say what parts of our story are of value and which ones are not. As long as we can forgive the past and move on, we can become richer because of any experience and wiser.
You certainly have and now we all benefit.
Not letting on that all is not well sounds familiar to me and how that isolate one from support. Isn’t it great that when you need help, people are there for you, mostly non judgmental and so loving.
And now you can pass that on.
Thanks for sharing with us how you have become the gem that you are, Love Wilma
wilma ham´s last blog ..Ann-Marie on saying NO to requests.
PS, are you making chicken soup for hubby? I wish he will be well soon.
wilma ham´s last blog ..Ann-Marie on saying NO to requests.
Hi, Zeenat. Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, love the analogy of the gems. What a beautiful thought.
Alison | Quest for Balance´s last blog ..Learning and Becoming: Six Life Lessons
Great post, Zeenat. I’m not as experienced as a lot of the people who’ve commented here, but I can safely say that (through 19 years) I’ve learned much. I’ve learned that there are kind souls out there (like you). I’ve learned that there are people with cruel intentions. I’ve learned that I don’t have to live the way everyone else wants to. I’ve learned that I can take control of my destiny and work towards my utmost desires.
Life is hard, but we’re not alone. We have shoulders to lean on (even if those shoulders aren’t always tangible).
You’ve been a great shoulder to lean on, Zeenat. Your spirituality will carry you onwards to greatness.
John´s last blog ..What I’ve Been Reading This Week – Issue 2
@ Eric- Youre so lucky to have found your inner strength and your soulmate
All our trials and tribulations somehow have a way of making us stronger and wiser isnt it..
So psorasis or no..whats on the outside is just not as important as what on the inside! Whats inside is beautiful..and outward physicality is something thats going to fade anyway, so why are we so hell bent on being young and beautiful and perfect forever??? I agree with you..Tv and media have a way of bombarding our brains with these perfect images. Somehow they are the root cause of so many physically torturous conditions which spring forth from our psychological issues eg bulimia, anorexia…Eric I am so glad you took the time to read a little bit about my life. Thank you so much for your lovely comment
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Wonders Of Carrot Juice- Natural Cures
@Nadia- Hey you-I was thinking of the same thing while i was writing the post…that somehow, my past pains have taught me and brought me to where I am today. But, there is one thing i have seen in my counseling sessions with others…there are lots and lots of people who would rather have a blind eye for all those lessons..and go ahead living in misery. I think the choice to keep your heart and mind open is one of the biggest and sometimes the most difficult choices to make. I hope all of us with our blogs and our writing and our conduct can somehow make those people realize the true beauty in opening up and experiencing the wonders of this life.
I am humbled that YOU yes YOU…someone i truly admire think I have learned a lot…believe me…I think its not even a minuscule of what is the grand plan. BUt i do so love to learn…and I love compliments too, especially from you
Lots of love and hugs
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Wonders Of Carrot Juice- Natural Cures
@Suzen- Big hugs to you for such a wonderful comment. Me feeling all warm and fuzzy
Thank You.
I look forward to reading about all your gems at Erasing the Bored!!
I know..isnt the Gem one of the best things that can pop up in your head while you write..the brain works in mysterious ways…While writing this post..it just popped in my head..and gave such perfect vibes to the post..that i just went with it. So glad it did its job of explaining….what it is that i was truly feeling.
Each and every one of our lives have these awesome gems…and we are all lucky that we have found a way of sharing these gems with the world through our blogs. I am so thankful to Lisis and all of you for making me feel so special..and giving me the support to keep blogging and sharing. Being part of such a wonderful community is such a blessing.
Big big fuzzy warm hugs to you too
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Wonders Of Carrot Juice- Natural Cures
@Jill- I love all the hugs you are sending my way. I know what you mean…if it wasnt for this glorious journey..i wouldn’t be the person i am today. I am so thankful to God for pointing me in the right direction. I am glad that my journey might be of some source of solace to you and to others. Even when i read about your journey at your blog, I feel like i have some connection to it. I remember your de cluttering time….and it helped me so much during my packing and unpacking while I was relocating. I kept thinking about how you kept reducing the boxes..and i was going through the exact same thing
HUgs to you too. I am so glad we met and have connected on such a deep level. Thank you for all you share and thank you for being YOU 
Lots of love
@Lori- What a lovely comment! Am blushing and happy all at the same time
Experiences have a way of maturing us. whether good or bad..they come to teach and then go away. I am glad I learned form them..and today Because of Lisis I have had the courage to share it. I feel like i am in a huge group counseling session 
All the comments and support from you guys is making me heal. I know what you have been going through..and read about it at your blog. All I can say, is it will heal and make us stronger…and then few years from today you will just think about it and smile at the gems in you lifes jewellery box 
Thank you for your lovely lovely comment. Big HUg.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Wonders Of Carrot Juice- Natural Cures
@Hayden- Hi…I am so glad you loved the Gem analogy. It just popped up in my head..and then well…it stuck on enough to write about it. It does fit so perfectly with our life and its experiences isnt it …
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Wonders Of Carrot Juice- Natural Cures
@ Zeenat: I was just looking at your comment to Lori, thinking, “That’s exactly what I want Q4B to become… one big, happy, FREE, loving and supportive group counseling session, where everyone can let themselves be a little vulnerable and open up the doors to hope and healing for themselves and others.” (Phew! Now THAT is a run-on sentence!)
@ John: About the kind souls vs. people with cruel intentions… I have learned that some souls are already kind (they were either born kind, or became kind through life’s twists and turns), while others are still on their way to becoming kind. We are all on that same path, and those who still act out of a place of cruelty or indifference just haven’t learned the right lessons yet… but they will. Be patient, and hopeful, and loving… and set a good example; they will come around.
What an uplifting post! Thank you, Lisis, for having Zeenat as your guest blogger. I loved reading her experience-filled words.
You really do inspire and lead by example, Zeenat. I look at you – how open and loving you are – and get such a strong sense for how wonderful the world truly is. How could I think anything else? I cannot even imagine that you ever went through anything as traumatic in life as you had, based on how you show up for all of us now. Thank you for sharing these incredible lessons – and really pointers – for living a fulfilled life.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Love Leaves Again
I agree with Lori that the telling of our stories to each other is like a “life-line”. It really does connect us and help us on our different journies. I think that one of the keys to happiness is how we process loss. Loss is one of the most painful things we face as humans. Being able to see even painful experiences as “gems” is really amazing and makes a lot of sense!
lena´s last blog ..Using "The Peaceful Scene"
@Wilma- Thank you for your kind words
INfact all the time i was writing about asking for help…I kept thinking of what you wrote in your blog posts. I kept relating to it..and my past..and it if indeed a wonderful feeling to just let everyone in and learn to let go. The whole theory of forgiveness and release. Thank you Wilma for all you write about..it makes so much of a difference to me. I am glad that maybe somepart of my journey can be of value to others. Lots of love to you.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Possibilites&Individualities {Inspirational Quote}
@ Alison- Hi Alison, am so glad you liked the post and the analogy. I like it that you popped up to comment on this very special post. Thank you
@John- Youre such a sweetheart. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I kept thinking how can this boy be so insightful at such A young age. See I have said this before..you remind me of my little brother…he is just like you..full of fun and insight…you never know which will pop up when
Thank you for the lovely and touching comment.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Possibilites&Individualities {Inspirational Quote}
[...] Today I guest post a little about ME at Quest For Balance, one of my favorite blogs. Do go and have a [...]
I have been reading several blogs today and I do not know why this stuck with me (except that I watched the movie “Constatine” yesterday) but the portayed andgel Gabrielle says a line about that “it is only in the face of horror that we show our most noble selves”.
Isn’t that so true – it is the trial and tribulations of life that forge us into who we are and only in the face of adversity are we forced to dig deep and search for our true selves in an effort to survive or cope and if we manage that, then we learn to thrive.
Sharing ourselves is a gamble, but I think it is safe to say, we are ALL the better for those who are brave enough to show us their scars. Then we are moved to show our own and together we form a community where no one expects perfection, or a brave front, just a chance to be ourselves.
Stephanie Smith´s last blog ..Domain name, revisions and an apology
Hi Lisis and Zeenat
Both of you never cease to amaze me! I don’t know how I chanced upon you, Lisis, but through you I ‘met’ Zeenat and feel so connected to both of you.
Zeenat, thank you for sharing this – now I can see where our beautiful polished ‘diamond’ came from. Hugggggggs…
Came across this quote today :
We can throw stones,
complain about them,
stumble on them,
climb over them,
or build with them.
~ William Arthur Ward
How true – and how blessed we are to enjoy the grace to become ‘builders’!
Love you both……
Corinne
Corinne Rodrigues´s last blog ..Love Is…
I want to thank all of you for the warmth and compassion you have shared in your comments. And, Corinne, that quote is INSANELY AWESOME!!!! Thanks for sharing it!
I’m gonna BUILD something with my stones.
@ Megan My Joyful Angel- Thank you fro such lovely words yourself sweetie. I cant imagine being anywhere but where I am today. I so love helping and spreading the love…I think one person trying to spread love, will bring together a lot and then a lot and then a lot….a wave of love..and the world would indeed be truly truly beautiful. Your courage and your writing have helped me so much too….more than you know
Lots and lots of love to you.
@Lena- Its so true…Loss somehow tests your true inner strengths. If in the face of adversity we are able to handle ourselves with grace and dignity, we have truly accomplished a lot. But believe me…it took a lot of loss to get to that point for me. But after the realization…those experiences are truly gems we can learn from. Thank you fro such a beautiful comment
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Yippee!!!8 Point Plan-Update
This is a wonderful guest post, I am subscribed to Quest for balance for sometime now but haven’t had the time to spend on my reader lately.
I had to read both articles and loved them and the quotes. Great job girls!
I want to thank you Zeenat, for sharing you difficult married and congratulate you on your courage.
I believe when bad things happen, there is a reason and lesson to be learned. You have to get past the shock and disappointment before it comes to you. This I think is a problem for many of us. We over think it instead of accepting we cant change disappointments or failures only turn them around as life lessons.
That is sometimes hard to do but it can be done and over time that regret becomes an experience that has helped you to become the person you are.
BunnygotBlog´s last blog ..The Answer Lies Within The Question